I first came here in severe withdrawal...looking for a way to help with it...I was desperate to feel better.
While I was rocking, throwing up, hot and cold...I also started to read other threads. So many of you sounded great. At that moment, I didn't believe NOT be sick. Nor did I know if I didn't just want to feel better, and then go back to "life as normal". Even though I dont get high..." It's sooo much work" I thought. I have to rip off so many layers...I have ENOUGH problems as it is, Im an Adult Child, Co-Dependent...I've been reading "Melody Beattie" for years. even before I was a pill addict. I'm reading the CoDependent's 12 steps right now...I've read it many times...I like to keep it in the house to refer to...
I felt like a loser.
Someone, I can't remember whom it was...I was WAY TOO sick to remember, was talking about me. I wanted to be all of you. I also felt pissed off, everyone waschirpy"....I was sooooooo ill. I wanted someone to commiserate with. WHERE were they????? WHERE were they????????????? Obviously right in front of my face.
Someone posted about allowing your Dr. to take complete control. I immediately went to my Dr....more out of desperation, and praying he'd give me a Rx to feel better. He was none too happy to see me, I might add. That advice changed my life....I so wish I remembered who posted it, so I could thank them. Whomever you are, kind stranger, "Thank You".
However, I came clean with him...I TOLD THE TRUTH. Laid it all out...how much I take, the repeated problems, as if he didin't know...why he kept me as a a patient...I really don't know, other than Divine Intervention.
I am struggling with identity issues and self esteem..I was so afraid none of you would accept me.
This wasn't supposed to happen to me...I'd never been "addicted". It only happened to "other" people.
Yeah...right. I know what a jacka&& I sound like saying that....and the audacity I had thinking it.
It's no small miracle that this changed my life. I am so grateful. Now, my issue is detoxing...but having chronic pain. One thing at a time.
Thanks for listening to me...it means more than you know...whomever you are.
06-06-2008, 10:49 AM
I Have To be "True to Myself" 
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