Searching my soul for answers

[meteoroid]

and the Internet. I was getting that "craving" and was getting frightened, but angry at the same time. I am into my third month of sobriety, and I found this site while searching for answers to why my craving was being so stubborn. Then it came to me, because I am allowing it. You are only treated as you allow yourself to be. That's what I thought. I tortured myself and especially loved ones with my alcoholism for years and years, why not torture myself and eveyone without drinking? Wrong. That's where I realized my pattern of thinking has to change. I am simply switching it off - out of my head. Thanks for listening and helping me.

[utopia]

im sitting in an internet cafe, not knowing why im here, i was looking at porn, at pictures of sunsets, at my msn, nothing was working, substances arent working, nothing is working, i just feel ****** up, angry, trapped and in a state of abandoned disarray. fearful and angry together. im just really angsty right now but glad i can share that.

[meteoroid]

I hear you Utopia. As I had posted yesterday, that's exactly how I felt and it happened again today. I hope you are feeling better today.

Today, I actually was walking around looking for my lighter, which turned out to have been in my hand the entire time I walked in circles, which pissed me off. I found myself sitting in the kitchen, no tv on, radio or anything, just staring and thinking. Enemy number 1 for me.

Then comes the thoughts of family and everything I think is x10. Nothing seems to be a small problem or "incident." No, I have to turn it into a volcanic erruption. It's wierd, it's like I am having withdrawals again or something. I am simply trying so hard to find that "happy" part of the day that I am ruining the fun in the process. GEEZE. Depressing post huh? Sorry.

[BBQBOY]

Have you ever heard of "PAWS" it stands for Post Acute Withdrawl Syndrome. The symptoms appear between 3 & 6 months after you stop using. It is almost like going through the initial withdrawl, a little less severe. You have to be on your guard during this period it has been known to cause relapse. I know, had an extended relapse 5 months into sober-ville, it really sneaks up on you. I'm sure someone here has more info.

Work Hard and Enjoy Life..NED

[meteoroid]

Actually, someone else posted PAWS info too. I checked it and it seems to apply somewhat. I am still feeling that way all day today and tonight. Yes, I can see how it can cause a relapse. There is no peace from it. It's actually worse to me than withdrawals because it's been several days of this now. I am doind something about it.
Wish you the best!

[StagebearNJ]

Originally Posted by utopia

im sitting in an internet cafe, not knowing why im here, i was looking at porn, at pictures of sunsets, at my msn, nothing was working, substances arent working, nothing is working, i just feel ****** up, angry, trapped and in a state of abandoned disarray. fearful and angry together. im just really angsty right now but glad i can share that.

What an amazing amount of honesty in a relatively short post. Thank you, more than you can imagine, for trusting us with all of that. You're my hero today.
Da Bear