Cold, Callous, or Content

[Rusty Zipper]

hiya my SR friends, am looking for some feedback.

well into my third year of recovery, wow, who woud'a?...
this morn'n standing outside on a deck in the woods of the house i'm dog'y sit'n for...owners had to take off in a hurry, yes, another death from drinking!... {all channel news from Pompano Beach if like to know details}
i was watching their two li'l pooch's and looking at them in a way that blasted me into a space i have been before, just never took it any further.
feelings, and feelings of sometimes coldness, kinda of being hardend, almost emotionless. i do know when i was active, and many, many years of it, i would take my emotions to the limit, way over the top... at times, even searching out drama.
i came to feeling this way after the death of my loved one. oh how i miss her.
am i realy being cold with my feelings towards life, situations, death. or is this the growing up, the maturity we hear about... its all real new to me, at times scary... but scary in a good way. is this freedom from fear?

any of your experiances with this if any will be welcomed.



all good wishes, and give only love..................... xxoo, Zip

[Ann]

Pattee, I know what you have been through, and sometimes I think our emotions get stuck, which can be a safety valve sometimes too. Sometimes the pain is too much to bear all at once, so little spells of grief and sadness slip out, and the rest remains for another time.

Perhaps the fact that these people are leaving to attend the funeral of someone else who has died from the disease, has triggered something that is telling your emotions to shut down or numb out for now, until you can handle the sadness that comes each time an addict dies.

It's good that you recognize that something seems off, that you feel the coldness and know there is a reason.

I don't know you well enough to suggest anything to help relieve it, except to maybe keep your support around you and allow yourself to grieve a little more and let some of the pain flow.

My prayers go out for you, and lots of hugs and love.

[historyteach]

(((Patrick)))

I agree, the funeral may have triggered this response, which very well may be a safty response. Have you thought of counseling? You've been through a tough time, and would probably benefit from an objective outside source.

It may help too to post to Mark Sichel, our resident expert. He's a social worker and a wonderful person to boot. Just a thought...

In any case, know that you have my thoughts and prayers for your well being.

Shalom!

[nocellphone]

I appreciate your post, Rusty...

Often when I'm faced yet again with the harsh realities of where the disease of alcoholism/addiction takes people, it's almost as if my emotions go into shut-down mode. It always turns out that my denial mechanisms have been triggered, which for me is ok, so long as I don't remain in that denial to the point where my life again becomes unmanageable.

Denial is the shock absorber for the soul, a protective tool that has its place and its use. It tends to lift when I'm ready to experience what I need to experience in a healthy way. As a friend in the rooms once put it, "The difference today is that, while I may still go there from time to time, now I only visit. I no longer LIVE there..."

[cmc]

Hi,
I have experienced something that may be similar to what you asked about. I think it has to do with the grieving process.
Typically, I am a very warm and compassionate person- in fact that is a HUGE understatement seeing as I am a codependent person!
A few times after the death of a loved one, I noticed that I would unexpectedly react to a situation in a cold manner. The best example I can give you occured a few months after the death of my dad. He had died of lung cancer and I was with him during the last days of his life. One day I was in the grocery store and saw an old man who I guess reminded me of my dad. My immediate thought was...'gee, I bet he doesn't have long to live.' I was quite shocked by it, thinking 'how awful!' and, 'where did that come from?'
In time those types of things happened less and less- but in my experience grief can pop up in ways and at times not expected.
I also had some odd dreams where the person who had died- was actually still alive and I had been 'fooled' or mistaken about their death.
Like Ann said:

Sometimes the pain is too much to bear all at once, so little spells of grief and sadness slip out, and the rest remains for another time.

Overall, I feel that grieving is much more complex and endures longer than we may want to admit- we being the present culture we live in.
I compare it to a physical wound- it heals when it heals and if it doesn't or it gets infected, then it's time for some medical attention or at least a change in our behavior that will promote or allow healing.
IMO
cmc

[deedee]

(((Patrick)))

I too think it may be part of the grieving process. I went thru a why me/no tolerance phase. There's one woman in our office in particular, who's somewhat of a drama queen and whines about everything ... her kids, hubs, life in general. I would think to myself, what do you have to complain about? Your kids are alive, your problems so trivial. I was afraid I was turning into a bitter old woman. Luckily, I didn't flip out on her and this phase has passed for the most part. There are still things that can trigger me ... especially the loss of someone else to this disease.

Give yourself time Patrick, and see where your emotions take you. This may just be a pit-stop on the road to acceptance.

love and prayers ~

deedee

[Rusty Zipper]

thank you all so much as i write this, i'm at the house of the brother...E-Gads!. .. i do have an appointment with a theropist... we see... i stil have compassion, and plenty of it.. tg

and miss deedee... Pitstop.. Hmmm!, i could use one...


agw & gol, .................... pattee

[carolm]

Dear Patrick,

The others have already given you my suggestions, but I felt I had to respond. I have found it very difficult to be "a regular person" since I got clean and that was 14 years ago. I do have clinical depression, but I don't think that's the whole answer.

Although I wouldn't want to be using (unless of course they made cocaine that was not harmful to you and not addictive, etc.,etc., etc.), I sometimes feel myself removed from the people around me. I don't know why that is, but I like some insight into it.

I'm glad you see a therapist. I did for years, and he was very helpful.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Carol

[Rusty Zipper]

well here's one for ya... as i have mentioned, i'm out of town... have not been going to meetings as i do regular... someone sugested this drug and alky rehab center nearby... they have a monday night open speaker meeting. i as wonder'd in, all of a sudden those old feelings of aloneness started to creep in, feeling out of place, and sorts... i composed my self, and said, "What the hell is wrong with you" your among all the people of recovery... seconds later i went to introduce myself to a few peeps... then this biker guy comes over, then the surfs-up fella... i felt one among many again.

also tonight, before i left, i called my sponser,{Big Foot, and man, this boy is big} i told him i would not be around for awhile, and will check in... 5 days later, i called arg! we talked, i mentioned this thread here... he said to me Patrick, we both have had a women we love lost do to addiction and many more people. he said, now your sponsee is one of us also. BF said you can pave the way for him, like i you... BF said what you are experiencing is just growing up, handleing things in a adult way... BF told me i'm not cold, just not taking it over the top.. he asked me, can you cry, i said yes. he asked, can you get choked up watching a movie, yep. do you get a happy feeling when you take care of your friends dogs, yep... do you get angry, yep... then he asked, can you let it go and not hang on it, a yep to that too... well my friends, BF said pattee, no worries, your growing up... being restored to sanity as you will learn to know it. he also mentioned, grief, and said it will come in many forms to you in your sobriety and recovery... its all new to you...you drank and druged 85% of your life. BF said go see the theropist if you wish, it could only benefit... just keep on doing what works, and work on what doesn't.. and pattte he said, never stop asking questions...

all good wishes, and give only love............................. xxoo, pattee

[Ann]

Your sponsor sounds like his heart is as big as his feet, and full of good stuff.

Many here get counselling as well as attending meetings, Pattee, I know I did early in recovery because I was having a hard time sorting out the pieces of what was left of me. I only went to a few sessions but it helped me get back on my feet.

Grief is very painful and surrounding yourself with support and help is a good thing. So is finding meetings when you are on the road Well done.

Hugs