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|06-30-2006, 10:14 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2002
Blog Entries: 2
by James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D.
What is manipulation?
Manipulation is a set of behaviors whose goal is to:
Directions: If you currently use any of the following behaviors in your relationships with people in your life, mark yes.
___ yes ___ no ( 1) Play the victim
___ yes ___ no ( 2) Play the martyr
___ yes ___ no ( 3) Act helpless
___ yes ___ no ( 4) Play stupid
___ yes ___ no ( 5) Act incompetent
___ yes ___ no ( 6) Act angry
___ yes ___ no ( 7) Throw temper tantrums
___ yes ___ no ( 8) Say "anything you want'' when you don't mean it
___ yes ___ no ( 9) Act compliant when you don't want to
___ yes ___ no (10) Lie about how you feel
___ yes ___ no (11) Act lost
___ yes ___ no (12) Act suicidal
___ yes ___ no (13) Act hopeless and pathetic
___ yes ___ no (14) Act depressed
___ yes ___ no (15) Act befuddled or confused
___ yes ___ no (16) Tell stories or fabrications
___ yes ___ no (17) Use hyperbole or exaggeration to build up problems
___ yes ___ no (18) Act as a "wedge'' between people keeping them divided against one another
___ yes ___ no (19) Act judgmental or shame people
___ yes ___ no (20) Use guilt trips
___ yes ___ no (21) Use ridicule
___ yes ___ no (22) "Cry wolf''
___ yes ___ no (23) "Looking good'' for the other
___ yes ___ no (24) People pleasing
___ yes ___ no (25) Passive aggressiveness
___ yes ___ no (26) Act hurt or wounded
___ yes ___ no (27) Act ignored or forgotten
___ yes ___ no (28) Act unloved or uncared for
___ yes ___ no (29) Blame others for your problems
___ yes ___ no (30) Kiss up
___ yes ___ no (31) Act overly solicitous
___ yes ___ no (32) Ingratiate yourself with others
___ yes ___ no (33) Exaggerated sincerity
___ yes ___ no (34) Overly charming
___ yes ___ no (35) Act "out of it''
___ yes ___ no (36) Act "sorry'' for your bad behaviors
___ yes ___ no (37) Insincere promising of change or reformation of behaviors
___ yes ___ no (38) Act as if you don't have value or worth
___ yes ___ no (39) Keep everybody upset to keep focus off you
___ yes ___ no (40) Keep people around you in competitive relationships
What are the negative effects of manipulation?
The negative effects of continued use of manipulation to control others are that:
Manipulation is a control issue because:
In order to cease using manipulation in your relationships with others, you can try these steps:
First: Identify what behaviors you are using in your relationships with others in order to manipulate them into doing what you want them to do for you.
Second: Identify what issues in your life you are not wanting to accept personal responsibility for and which lead you to manipulate others to ignore or take care of for you.
Third: Identify your feelings about the issues in your life that you manipulate others to address or ignore.
Fourth: Identify what irrational beliefs underlie your need to manipulate others to take over the responsibility for the issues in your life.
Fifth: Identify what new beliefs about these issues would make you more personally responsible and a more "authentic'' or "real'' person.
Sixth: Identify what fears block your taking personal responsibility for these issues in your life and thus lead you to manipulate others to ignore or take care of them for you.
Seventh: Identify new feelings about these issues which would help you to be more realistic and more responsible as you face these issues.
Eighth: Identify new healthy, more productive coping behaviors which you can put into practice which will help you to become more personally responsible and less manipulative.
Ninth: Inform those people you have been manipulating to take care of you that you are now going to take the full responsibility for these issues on your own.
Tenth: Seek support from people in your life to assist you not to fall back into manipulating others to ignore or to take care of these issues for you.
Eleventh: Give permission to the people in your life to "call you on it'' when you are falling back into the manipulative behaviors by which you try to control them to take responsibility for the issues in your life.
Twelfth: When you find yourself falling back into use of manipulation, return to the first step and start over again.
Steps to eliminating manipulation in your life
Step 1: In order to eliminate the use of manipulation in your life, you first need to identify the behaviors you use to manipulate others to ignore or take over responsibility for your care and your problem life issues. To identify your manipulative behaviors, use the Manipulative Behavior Inventory in the beginning of this chapter.
Step 2: Once you've identified the manipulative behaviors you use to get people to do things for you to ignore your problems or to keep them off guard, you then need to identify who are the people you manipulate. In your journal, identify the people you manipulate.
Step 3: Why do you manipulate others? Identify in your journal the issues present in your life which you manipulate others to address or ignore.
Answer the following questions about these issues.
A. How do you feel about each of these issues?
B. Why do you feel a need to manipulate others concerning these issues?
C. Which issues do you want others to ignore or overlook?
D. Which issues do you want others to fix or change for you?
E. Which issues do you want others to feel responsible for?
F. Which issues overwhelm you? Which issues overwhelm others?
G. Which issues depress you? Anger you?
H. Which issues do you want to run away from?
I. Which issues do you feel helpless to deal with? Hopeless to cope with?
Step 4: In your journal now identify:
A. What irrational beliefs keep you from successfully coping with each issue identified in Step 3?
B. What new, healthy, more rational beliefs do you need in order to cope with and handle these issues?
C. What thinking keeps you from accepting personal responsibility for your problems and issues?
D. What new thinking do you need in order to accept personal responsibility for your own problems and issues?
Step 5: In your journal now identify what new, healthier, more productive behaviors you need to develop to address your problems and issues.
Step 6: Implement these new behaviors.
Step 7: Inform people of your old manipulative behaviors and give them permission to "call you on it'' if you fall back into old manipulative ways.
Step 8: If you find yourself relapsing back into manipulative behaviors to get people to ignore or take care of you, then return to Step 1 and begin over again.
|The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to Morning Glory For This Useful Post:|
|07-01-2006, 01:03 AM||#2 (permalink)|
Trying to do the right thing.
Join Date: May 2006
Just For Today, i will try not to manipulate my b/f. intresting
Thanks Morning Glory
Weve come along way and were Changing day by day
We DO Recover.
We can Recover...!
|The Following User Says Thank You to Arura For This Useful Post:|
|07-01-2006, 09:01 AM||#3 (permalink)|
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Blog Entries: 3
Being a codie I have been advised by others that I need to let go of my own manipulation tactics.
It seems all my manipulative tactics center around trying to make others stop their addictive and/or abusive behaviors. I definately need to keep the solution in mind for that....
nice has a hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
|The Following User Says Thank You to splendra For This Useful Post:|| |
|07-01-2006, 04:01 PM||#4 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Great Post, MG. It's strange to see some old behaviours that I owned before I found recovery, and stranger still that I ever thought they could stop my son from using drugs.
I still see a few behaviours that may need some attention, and I better give some thought to why they seem useful to me in any way. I'm sure they are all about my own insecurity.
Thanks for getting my brain going on this one.
Faith is the bird that sings when the dawn is still dark...Rabindranath Tagore
|03-29-2014, 07:30 AM||#5 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: BC, Canada
Am working on this behavior...did not know what it was or understand it. I read another site this morning that said it was the ego again, so it is a spiritual disease, and now I know they are right. It is about getting our needs met that comes from ourself and not from God or God's will. It is really awful behavior based on selfishness, not love, so will be very glad to change it. I think only lots of prayer and learning to give, rather than take, are the only answers to this problem...it is so horrible. That was in my family of origin background and it was very hurtful..but the thing is I don't want to do that to someone else. It is not love.
|04-09-2014, 02:42 AM||#7 (permalink)|
Recovered from Hopeless State
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey, USA
Great post Morning Glory. I'd love to post a hard copy up on my home office wall along with: "The unexamined life is not worth living -Socrates", "To thine own self be true -Shakespeare", etc. but I wouldn't have any room left for other great nuggets :-) I guess I'll have to settle for an e-bookmark; I plan to come back to it often.
My mind is what it eats. I am what I do. My life is what I make it, one day at a time.
|The Following User Says Thank You to dSober For This Useful Post:|
|04-11-2014, 03:08 AM||#8 (permalink)|
Join Date: Apr 2013
Wow. I spent an hour this morning reviewing this post. Manipulation is HUGE in my family and of course I learned more subtle ways to do it to get by! I guess one good thing is I know it and I name it. However, I need to be a little more thoughtful to continue to stop some of this manipulation before I even start.
Very helpful post. Thank you.
Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth. - Buddha
|The Following User Says Thank You to CodeJob For This Useful Post:|
|Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)|
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