betrayed,violated

[SaTiT]

I shared my 5th step with a person I thought I can trust, In person.
Not my other half....but she manages too twist and squezz it
out of him.

I shared something here with a person I thought I can trust.
I pray everytime before I take such steps or actions.
mmmm....I guess she gets the same here to.

My journal gets rip & torn by my GF. Journal of journal
Violations after violations. My journaling or inventory
is not ment for her to use against me as an abussive badgering mechanism.

I need a little F***ken help here.
Are there any other alternative recovering program, that
dosen't require me to freanken search my heart and soul
or take inventory of myself.

Is there a fr**ken cure yet ???
Can i just get a shot in the arm, now ?
Becuase this 12 step stuff is making me SICKER !!

Who, what can I trust or belive ?

Someone please tell me....

Btw...if you're going to help her...
Maybe you can ask her to return a couple of my journals.
I would greatly aprriciate it.

[equus]

There are alternatives to AA, there's an alternatives thread somewhere - I'll go find it and pass the link on. I know the CBT based and REBT based stuff has good research behind it and has been shown to be effective with addiction treatment.

To have your trust violated like that is appalling - unfortunately I don't think you'll have much comeback on the person responsible. I've shared things with proffessional counsellors and it's their proffesional ethics that I trust first and foremost, largely because if they're broken without redress then they can be reported.

There are things here I've shared privately but away from home, my trust has never been broken and I would feel utterly betrayed if it was but it still isn't a face to face world where the impact would be far worse.

I feel deeply for you and if it's any help MANY years ago I felt a similar betrayal - from my Mum!! I found my trust in people returned better and stronger over time, but now it's a process, I don't trust anyone with everything but know who I can trust with what. My faith in human nature has returned and I look at it more as an event than a global reason not to be close to people.

Take care and I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner - I was flitting in and out of here at work!

[equus]

Here's the link to alternatives:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nfo-76726.html

[rose petals]

satit
im laura--alkie--i went thru the twelve steps last year and someone in aa was spouting off to me about something--to this day i dont know what whis prob was--but in the middle of his ranting he told me my sponsor had told him things about me, and im never gonna make it--etc.--i was shocked--i will not do the steps again--anything i need to share will be done with my husband or if i still need someone i can speak to a therapist--i feel , for me that aa messed me up--this is only my experience tho--i think some people like that program and thats great--i take antabuse and go to meetings --but i just go to meetings to remind myself why i dont drink--thats it--i also go to recovery websites like here and few other things--i went into aa very trusting and there are a few good friends there i think are great--once i saw what was really going on there --i worked out a different program for myself--i feel good--might i say happy?
Laura

[Ann]

Satit, it's not the program that's the problem here, it's the girlfriend, loud and clear. And you are absolutely right, this is a violation of your privacy. of your life and of your recovery.

The only way to avoid this chaos, is to detach completely, don't talk to her, don't go where she is, avoid her even if you have to move half way across the country. Your life depends on your recovery, so with love in my heart I am telling you "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE".

Don't let her sick behaviour make you sick too.

Hugs,

[Cap3]

Yes,its happened to me to.Another,in program tried to use my past,as a weapon over my head.Thing is though,even though this surprised me and upset me at first because of my own expections of her,that,i assumed that she would follow,program,and keep things to herself.I soon took her weapons away,and it didnt work out for her the way she planned.We do not wish to shut the door on our past.We use our past as a tool to help out others.This is what i kept in my mind,no longer angry with her.People are people wherever you go.With flaws,there are no saints.Today i dont care who knows what,But it was a process to come to this decision.In the meantime,before this decision,my motto is to get to know,who im talking to,and to take my time.My problem was that i automatically trusted another---because--they are in program.Forgetting the truth,that some are sicker than others.That just like me,bottles were only a symbol to other issues in our lives.People will show me who they are,just like me to,by our,actions.Actions dont lie.Not everyone can hold,a, trust.Get with the folks you know who are showing you by their actions,on a day to day basis,that yes they can be trusted.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things that i cannot change,courage to change the things that we can,and the wisdom to know the difference.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and take care!!!!

[SaTiT]

I don't have a problem with not shuting the door of my past.
That's why I journal and do inventory in greater depths.
So I can go back and see/identify what hell went wrong and
how I can make corrections. Not to blame anyone or beat up
on myself. I don't dewell in it...Thats the whole piont isn't it ??
So I don't have to carry all that crap inside of me.

I made a list of defects hundreds and hundreds of them.
it was hard enough as it was to be honest to myself and admitt
those traits or defects and put it on paper. it's so I can see them,
so I can recognize them, so I can be reminded of them, so I can
work on not reacting or act in old habits. Not for her or whomever to
piont those things out to me in a pissing contest or
tell other peaple how much of a ***** I can be or how wierd i can get.
The piont is I don't act like that anymore or try not to.

I also write what I write or allow the pen to just flow.
My thoughts my feeling, my insanities. Anything and everything.
I do the same with these insanities....hell I don't even understand
my insanities . i write them down so I don't have to re-act to them.
or at least be more awear of them.

But ya know... i feel like I've been rape.

My 5th been spelt and smeared, by fellowship members.
So I'm suppose to go to meetings and share from the heart?
I don't even share a lot of stuff in my journals at meetings.
No, it's not the program..it's the peaple in it.
And I can't trust freaken nobody in it. So whats the piont!

Whatever the hell that's coming out of her lips
is fragmented, twisted with her damn spin on it.
I don't have any one of my journals anymore.
They've been torn, ripped, or taken.
I pour out my heart and soul in some those pages.
There's damn tear stains on there.

[equus]

I made a list of defects hundreds and hundreds of them.
it was hard enough as it was to be honest to myself and admitt
those traits or defects and put it on paper.

I personally feel this is something that shouldn't be asked and has potential to be very damaging. I'm not saying that to have a go at AA, I'm saying it because I think it's ok for you to feel hurt and that it's ok for you to seek alternatives.

You're not alone, it doesn't mean you don't care about what happens next. It's OK to choose AA but it's also OK not to.

Satit - do you feel as though that's the only path for you or do you really want to seek something else? If you do feel it's the only path that'll work for you I reckon there's plenty of people who'll help you get through this and still use 12 steps. BUT if you want to look elsewhere there are also people here that will help and support you doing that.

You ARE worth it!!

Worth buckets and buckets to all of us!!!

[Cap3]

Hi Satit,how are you today?If its of any help,my friend know that youre not alone.I had a similar situation.In fact,people are still talking about me.,from years gone by.I trusted also,another member that took everything i shared with them,used it against me,as i have shared upbove.yes it hurts.Its a pain thats deep,that folks can take my personal,hurtful thoughts and feeling and use them,anyway they wish,as if im a big nothing.This situation of my played on my mind.I cant really describe my thoughts and feelings about my own situation.I got down on my knees and prayed for serenity/help.It was this situation,[as well as others in my life]that i boned up my relationship with God.For i was at the point,that no human could help me,that acking in my soul,only God could and would if and when He was sought.IPeople can be helpful,but they cannot cure another.I had every 'right' if you will to feel the way i was at the time.But lets face it,i was hurting myself more,by staying in the negitive thoughts/feeling about this person.Obessing over this situation,was making me more ill,of mind and heart.I was into that dark place in my soul.,and i needed to be shown some kind of light,to it all.I also have every right to be happy,and learn how to live a new way too.,through recovery programs...I gave others the power to hurt me.So i took it back from them that power.When folks talk about me,that are showing others folks who--they--are not who i am.The folks who hurt me,never hurt me as much as i hurt myself by my own thoughts/feelings about what they have done.I needed to change.I cant control what others say/do,but i can learn to change my own thoughts/feelings about it all.
Only the people who have experience,in doing their 4-5th step can tell you how liberating it is.And i am,only one of the many,many.Looking into my defects,the root and causes to my issues,is freeing.Gives me insights into self.Its ok to feel sad,mad.However if youre anything like me,i dont do these things lightly and have obbessed,and damaged myself by staying stuck into it,not moving forwards.Its these kinds of thinking/feelings that lead me back to drinking.Its ok for folks to validate me,but im with the folks who help me through my stuff,and help me to change.these are the good folks who i seek.
What i came to realize is although ive been hurt by others.I have also hurt others to,big time.My feelings about how they hurt me,some folks also have felt,about me,because i hurt them.Forgiveness is the key.Forgive those who hurt me,they know not what they do.I ask forgivenss of others.
Pray even if you dont believe.pray anyways.Keep doing the do things in recovery.Let go and Let God,with others.Accept that folks have their ways about them.Although we may not like it,perhaps they too are spiritually sick.Pray for them.
No matter what recovery program you go to,there are people there.You will run into the same ole same ole.Those who can be trusted,and those who cant be.This IS,life on lifes terms.
My prayers are with you,
travell in peace,
God Bless,and take care!!!!

[SaTiT]

Thanks for sharing your ESH everyone.

I'm reading but I can't focus. havn't been able to sleep or rest.
I'm somewhere of being obsessive and trust or don't trust.

My guitar student is also majoring in psychology...he came over for lessons
or rather gave me tutoring instead. I didn't know he was studying that too.

Thought about getting drunk...I was 50ft away. Got a sick/hung over
feeling....so I didn't get drunk.

Saw someone in a relapse...didn't look too healthy.

wierd !

[equus]

You know through this you should give yourself some credit that you are surviving it and on your terms. It may sometimes be a close thing - just don't forget the 'well done' part!!

The other thing is whether it feels this way right now or not it is the person who has behaved dishonourabley that has lost a part of themself - not you! Who you are is reflected in your values not the lack of values in others.

[SaTiT]

I think I did something tonight that i'm not proud of.
I didn't really had to go out of my way.
I could had kept my mouth shut.
I ponder it.....
What good could had came out of that ?
Just pain, regrets, termiol, anger , madness
But its was the truth, and the truth hurst sometimes.
What rights did I have to share that? Somethings are better left un said.
It's the damn dirty secret That I'v carried around..that's not even my fualt.
What comes round goes around , I guess.
Karma..do we not have chioces or have opportunities to break the karmas.
But...hey, I'm ain't perfect....progress not perfection....right ?????

On spiritual level ....that person called forward the lessons ...yes?
It was that person's chioce to face these issues or lessons, now...yes?
Or did I loose somethings....such as compassion??
Nothing absolutely nothing happens in GOD's world be mistakes ?
Everything happens for a reason....even the withheld tears
in that person's eyes.

I can see the same pain i feel in that person's eyes. and that's just the
person's begin of the roller coster ride. No one should have to go through this.
A victem of circumstances...what else is new ?
it's a F##k up world with a lot of F##k up peaple.
So there you go, I'm defferently not alone in this.
And I'm not so different.

She and I have a lot in common becuase of our partner's actions wiht one
another. I know her pain.

[leviathon]

I don't see the 12 steps as your issue, rather I see your girlfriend as the issue. You ever consider leaving her? That, by the sounds of it, may be your first step in a true recovery.