Wounds Of Our Childhood

[Gabe]

I read the phrase
“driven by the emotional wounds of our childhood” earlier today.
It gave me some good food for thought.
I think we have a choice as to what we are driven by
when we react to a situation.
However, we have to be mindful of what choice we are making.
As a child, I was often told that I was stupid.
This can still drive me today, if I let it.
I did the other day.
I was attempting to use our digital camera and it wasn’t working.
Instead of taking that as a learning experience, I
immediately launched into a negative thought process
that went like this...
“great, this is just another gadget that I will never learn to use
correctly. I might as well give up now.”
Whoa, hold it, and back up the Soul Train.
Thank goodness my better self jumped right into the middle of that.
We only learn through trial and error.
Sometimes it takes a few trials, and a few errors in
order for us to understand how something works.
Be it a gadget, or a life experience.
That is the nature of our humanity and it works better
for me if I embrace it instead of shutting it down.

[cwohio]

good reminder gabe - i have some of those old tapes that start playing sometimes myself. time to throw them out and go digital (no pun intended!)

[elizabeth1979]

Exactly.
So intersting that you posted this, I was about to
start one that was similar.
I have the Im stupid dance in my hand alot.
When we allow these thoughts to run around in
our head, its like poison to our
soul and self esteem.

[equus]

You know just this past week or so I realised my childhood had the answer I needed. As a kid I got love from lodgers, people who weren't mine, people who came and went but how I grieved for love that was mine, from my family, how I cried - not like with the lodgers when mostly I laughed.

As friends paired off in adulthood I still grieved the lack of 'mine' - sure they would miss me but that's not the same? Marriage brought with it 'mine' and on SR I remember posting that a handful of hope is a p!ss poor swap for expectation - but what does expectation bring? In my experience tears, tears from fear of losing what's there, tears of frustration about what's not, anger that something of 'mine' can be taken.

Pennies began to drop, lightbulbs went on, I decided to fuel the love that wasn't possessive and to consciously ignore 'mine'.

Then a poster here (you know who you are) reminded me of my name, and in turn reminded me of a choice I made almost 30 years ago not to mind what was mine as much as enjoy what was there.

For years I missed the cafe and the lodgers - finally I know why and it's time to go home to the love that made me happy without anger fear and pain.

I think only in these last weeks have I really decided my childhood was exceptional and priceless and even worth the tears.

That makes me smile because I don't like viewing anyone as damaged (it has associations of being of less value) - it's nice to feel the way I do now for me.

[Hopefloats]

Good for you Gabe...keep going with those positive thoughts. And recognizing where the negative jumps on us, it really important. Then we can take that and turn it right around like you did...
((hugs))
Hopefloats

[nutz]

It's taken a long time for me to even get to this piont.
Over 11 years of being clean and sober
I have 1 1/2 year again.
I needed to get well enough so I can go back in deeper to remove
the deep scars/wound that was heal over.
Kind of like having a pieces of glass that wasn't remove
during injury, but was healed over. One continues to live
in discomfort. These emotional and mental scars affects
my life in ways that I don't even relize.
Some hehavoirs are done conciousely others are subconciousely.

Leave no stones unturn.
I did inventory before, but It wasn't in details on certain
events or subjects. It was too painful. It didn't want to live
it again of course. But never the less it's still inside of me.
Nothing absolutely nothing on the outside can heal the inside.
Doing and outside job is that of a banage job, it's leak again and again.
It dosen't fix the real problem. So..lets get to the bottom of it.lol
Will..our body has a natural mechanism. It pushes out pioson
or splinters when it's ready. When it's time, it's time.
Conscious or subconsciouly, we set up our lives or situations.
Chaso, crisis, sabatage, triggers...etc.
There's opportunity in a crisis. A broken heart is also an open heart.
These crisis force us to ask the questions...WTF is really going on ?

I've done inventory enough times to know, it's not a judgement
damnations or go totally bongers. It is a very, very painful
experince to have almost relive or process it again.
Everything That I did or happened to me in my life/recovery
all the lessons/teaching had prepair me just to do this.
Just recently, I started do inventory of my childhood in details.
Not just..yeah, I was abandant, abuss.
It was in great details, it was a very painful process.
But It was very healing.
THE TRUTH HURTS, THE TRUTH WILL ALSO SET YOU FREE.

Here some of it.

There once was a young boy at the age of 6.
He was sent away to live with total strangers.
He cried for days to weeks for his mommy and daddi.
He came to know a very special as he aunty.
His aunty was he father's older sister.
The first image the boy gets everytime he thinks
of his father,even as an adult.
Is a boy in mid flieght then hitting a wall.
He can't bare to remember the other many,many incidents.
The boy's father was always drunk, but the boy was too young
to know what that was, It was what adults do.
When boy grows older, he will be able to do that too.
The boy loves his father every much, still.

Oneday the boy's mom came to the aunty's home.
The boy had been behaving, doing good in school.
He was even the smartest kid in his class.
The boy woke up one morning, He felt something
in his heart. He felt something but did'nt quit underestand.
The boy rushes to his mother..."please take me with you"
His mother told the boy, be a good little boy and go to
school. Upon returing from school that very day.
The boy's heart sunk and it felt like something heavy
had hitted him. He search everywhere for his mother
ans sister. He notice, his sister's belonging was gone
also. He still didn't want to belive it. He serched everywhere
all around the house, all around the niehborhood for his
mother and sister. It started to get dark.
Darkeness was upon the boy every way.
He felt he could no longer take a step, he couldn't even breath.
He didn't even know what he was feeling, it a bad, unwanted
feeling. He felt alone. He wanted to die.
He was too young to even know how to take a life.
He thought of setting himself on fire, but he didn't have the resourse.

As time pass,
The boy grasp on to his anuty tighter, and tigher as he falls to sleep.
One day, The boy went to play with his friend. They were truspassing
on privite porperty. The boys were playing in mud, deep mud holds.
Adults showed up. Told all the kids to get out of the mud.
All of his friend got out of the mud except for the boy.
His aunty pleade with him. please get out "you're not in trouble"
The boy refussed, not even knowing why he was disobaying his
aunty. He always listen to his aunty, She was very loving to him.
His aunty plead with the boy even more, I'll take to get a new toy.
The Boy FROOZE. He became still, didn't say a word.
But he was saying so much.
"if you love me, If I'm worth anything, just come get me"
His aunty sent someone else to retrieve him.
The boy kick, scream all the way home.
He cried, scream all the rest of the day.
His aunty try to comfort the boy, later
He pushed her away.

Time pasted.
On a river bank on a visit to grandmother's funeral.
Standing on the river bank, the boy slip and felt into the
river. It was a big river with strong current.
The boy didn't know how to swim.
His aunty franticly jump into the river to save the drowning boy.
She struggle to swim them both ashore.
His aunty wept and grasp to the young boy tighty.
Shivering from the clodness of the water and incident.
She told the boy "don't you know that I love you"
It was a leap of faith.

Later the day. A visit to see the boy's father.
His father was drunk as always. The boy was told
He couldn't go with his father. That was the first
the boy didn't cry becuase he couldn't go with his father.

[Gabe]

There is a great Disney movie called "The Kid".
Very clever story about how the character Bruce Willis portrays actually meets up with his 8-year-old self.
Very cute, some good laughs and a powerful message about how we should stay in touch with all aspects of ourself.
Especially that fun loving, light hearted kid in us.

[Justme57]

Thanks for the post Gabe

It was only when I was several months sober, that I realised that I even HAD a tape playing. I remember how relieved and surprised I was to find that there were others who had the same thing !!!!! When I was drinking, and I drank alone at home, I used to talk out loud to myself, and say , "you are just stupid ", and to think I was offended to see the word "insanity in the steps " LOL All this stemmed from my childhood, and I used to drink on the resentments from then

Like you Gabe, now I can actually be aware when the old tape starts running, and I can decide , as you did , to change it . I am still practising , and am always surprised at the results when I am sucessful in changing the "tape"

HUGX
Lee