emotions

[chip]

I'm feeling a bit low today. I've been looking back on my life, and realizing how often I've been "shunned" or "outed" in various stages. I'm thankful I fit in in AA, and on SR...but for the most part, I've always felt like an outsider.

Being clean and sober, my emotions are much more real to me. Feelings I've been supressing are welling up from time to time. I know I will need get going on the 4th step work sometime this year. I have to give it to God. Being clean and sober, I can clearly see the relationship between being teased as a child...and my struggle to "fit in" or be better than everyone. I know I've surpressed many feeling of inadaquacy through my self-medicating behaviours.

In my adult life, I became a callous, mean a$$hole. I'm changing. I'm near the point of tears, and I havn't cried much as a grown man. This might sound confusing to those who read it, but I must write it down. I want to be human. I want to become a part of humanity. I don't want to be alone, and I don't want to be an outsider. I want God to make with me what God will, otherwise I'm doomed to wallow in an alcoholic hell.

I need to deal with the terms and conditions of my disease, or go back to my old ways. Otherwise, I fear the emotions could be too great. I must have faith that God won't let me feel anything which is too rough for me to bear. I've got to find the strengh to live my day as a useful and grateful member of society.

One day at a time. I've gotta keep on task, and get through another night at work. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, but I feel better after *saying* it.
chip

[kpdaddy]

Hang in there chip, better days are coming. Not my promise, God's. Speaking for myself, the day I gave it to God, the day the burden of alcohol addiction was lifted from me. That was 10 years ago, and I haven't the urge to drink today. On the other hand, I didn't give my any of my other vices at that time. In March , 2005, I gave him my cigarette addiction. Today I struggle with marijuana addiction. I know that God will take these urges from me, I just have to be willing to give them up. I ask God for that willingness, for all of us suffering from addiction. Any addiction, because an addict is an addict is an addict. I have a feeling, Chip, that you might fit in a little more than you think.
Ken

[laurie6781]

Chip it does get better. I understand totally what you are saying.

When I finally got to AA I was an ANIMAL. There was not one shred of human decency left in me. It was the fellowship, not the 12 steps of AA, the fellowship, that started to recivilize me. I learned from the others how to live once again in a civilized society from the people who had gotten there before. Some only a few months and some with years and years.

That is why it was so important for this alkie to hit hit at least 1 meeting a day for the first 3 years I was sober. The celebration for my first year anniversay was held at 12 different meetings that were all regular meetings in a week for me that first year.

Now the steps made me moldable so that I did become civilized.

As to fitting in..................................well I still don't fit in. I walk to the beat of my own drummer. The difference today almost 25 years later is real simple.......IT DOESN'T MATTER, roflmao. It's okay to be different in the way I do things, the way I perceive life. jAnd even though I don't fit, I do fit. I hope you can understand what I mean.

As to the emotions, they too over time will become more bearable. Its rough in the first year or so. I know for me, I had buried all feelsings of all kinds for many many years under booze and drugs. Then all of a sudden I was suppose to "feel" the feelings. YUK but, there again the "fellowship" those wonderful wonderful people who were staying sober One Day At A Time, like I wanted to, helped me WALK THROUGH the emotions. I didn't have to run from them or go around them .

Keep working with a sponsor, keep reading the BB and go to meetings Chip. It does get better and better!!!!!!

They (people in the meetings) told me when I got here "hang onto your azz because you are in for one h**l of a ride." They sure weren't kidding. It has been the most fantastic ride I could have ever dreamed of!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JMHO

Love and (((((to all))))),

[Sugasnaps]

Hey Chip,

I know that I will never forget you.

It wasn't that long ago when I was new here and you said something that helped me to want to save my life. It was my first post here on SR. You said...

Originally Posted by chip

Hey Suga-
You are not alone. There are many of us who can relate. I'm constantly fighting off voices...a committee if you will. It's a challenge to control thoughts, but we can control our behaviour. Keep coming back, and stay sober! Eventually that voice will go away, and be replaced by something better.....but you have to work on that. I've found that AA has helped me with that voice...and guess what? More nurturing thoughts are starting to replace it. There's always hope.
welcome to SR!
chip

You were right then... and you still are. ~hugs~

Hang in there - you are so worth it.

Suga

[chip]

You folks are so sweet. Thank you for your genuine concern, kindness and encouragment. Just knowing that there are people out there who can relate makes me feel better. Sometimes, I just don't have the words when I'm in a meeting. Sometimes it's helpful for me to write stuff down online here....and wait for others to respond. I'm so thankful you have responded to me....I feel blessed.

I realize I'm having a bit of a pity party by posting this thread, but I need to get stuff out of my head. As a child I was teased for being from a "weird" religious background. I was bullied and ostracized. Later, in my teens, my family moved to another part of the country. Again, I didn't fit in because of other reasons. I found the way to be "cool" was to be a "party animal". It's so stereotypical, but I wasn't good at sports or academics...but I strove to be the "cool" guy with the guitar, the weed and the booze. This worked for me, but it lead me into hell. Eventually all my "friends" were gone, my band was broken up, my music career ended, and I was alone drinking in my garage...full of pain which I so desparatly wanted to numb. I built my adult life around a LIE.

Suga- You have really picked me up here. I will never forget what you wrote. Thank you so much; you have really helped me. I will hang in. I need to get back to welcoming newcomers.... It made me feel really good to respond to your post, and you've made me feel good again.

Laurie- You have helped me along here before, and I thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope with me. I'm hitting a meeting a day now. When I first started this trip, I was only doing 4 a week. The meetings are keeping me going. I too hope the 12 steps will make me moldable. I desparatly want to be re-molded into a decent, sober, clean person. I find for the first time, I can relate to others.....others who have the same struggles as I. Others who march to the beat of their own drums. Alkies like us have to stick together.

ken- Thanks for sharing here. I suffer from a Marijuanna addiction. I just quit pot 1 week ago. It's been really interesting. I picked up smoking a tobacco pipe... I know this isn't good, but it is helping me deal with the loss of my "fire ritual" of choice. I havn't had a drink since Sept 24, 2005....and I give God the credit for that. It's a miracle that we are sober today. Thank you again for picking me up with your words.

On the up side of things....

I am so glad that I am REALLY feeling things now. I've been en-shrouded, and the veils are being lifted. I hope the vision proves to be a gift.
peace out,
chip

[Justme57]

Hi Chip and congratulations on your sobriety.

I know exactly what you mean about the emotions. I had supressed all my feelings, opinions, and emotions ever since i was a child, and once I got sober, and especially after I started sharing with my AA friends, up they came. you know, they were so unfamiliar to me , that i couldn't even verbalise them. my Sponser suggested that when I "felt" an emotion, to name it ,write it down, and then just sit with it, and get to "feel" it, and be in it. it has been an amazing experience for me , and has also developed in me a new way of looking at others.

It has been and is a huge learning curve for me .

Go with the flow chip, enjoy

HUGX
lee

[Five]

Originally Posted by chip

I'm feeling a bit low today. I've been looking back on my life, and realizing how often I've been "shunned" or "outed" in various stages. I'm thankful I fit in in AA, and on SR...but for the most part, I've always felt like an outsider.

Being clean and sober, my emotions are much more real to me. Feelings I've been supressing are welling up from time to time. I know I will need get going on the 4th step work sometime this year. I have to give it to God. Being clean and sober, I can clearly see the relationship between being teased as a child...and my struggle to "fit in" or be better than everyone. I know I've surpressed many feeling of inadaquacy through my self-medicating behaviours.

In my adult life, I became a callous, mean a$$hole. I'm changing. I'm near the point of tears, and I havn't cried much as a grown man. This might sound confusing to those who read it, but I must write it down. I want to be human. I want to become a part of humanity. I don't want to be alone, and I don't want to be an outsider. I want God to make with me what God will, otherwise I'm doomed to wallow in an alcoholic hell.

I need to deal with the terms and conditions of my disease, or go back to my old ways. Otherwise, I fear the emotions could be too great. I must have faith that God won't let me feel anything which is too rough for me to bear. I've got to find the strengh to live my day as a useful and grateful member of society.

One day at a time. I've gotta keep on task, and get through another night at work. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, but I feel better after *saying* it.
chip

Chip, this was fantastic stuff for me to read. Its a real relief to know that others have the same "funny" periods that I do.

Your strength is mine to, i hope you dont mind me saying: by you fighting your corner, it helps me fight mine (I cant think of anything more human).

I feel better for reading what your wrote. Keep going friend.

[chip]

Guess what? I'm feeling good today!

This is where I need to reach out to help others who are feeling the way I felt yesterday.

Today at my AA meeting, I met a fellow who is struggling with a pot addiction (just like I am). He hasn't quit yet, but we helped each other by talking about it.

I have never experienced the fellowship and comradarie which I get from other addicts. I'm so thankful for AA and SR for providing a venue for this kind of sharing.

Justme- Great advice your sponsor gave you. I'm going to try that. I guess I'm re-learning how to live my life....and dealing with my emotions is a big part of that.

Five- We are fighting the same battles. I get a tremendous amount of strength knowing that you feel better after reading what I wrote. I wrote that stuff for me, and I can identify with what you say.....because it makes me feel better to read what others wrote for themselves. The cool thing about recovery is that we can find hope in each other's battles. You have helped me just by being here.

I wish everyone here 24 hours of QUALITY sobriety. I wish everybody here real peace.
chip