When you feel....Disappointed

[Hopefloats]

"The emotion we are working through today is DISAPPOINTMENT. It is failure to realize a desired or expected outcome. Thoughts grounded in the fear of losing control"

Taken from the book, One Day My Soul Just Opened Up.

"It is a fantasy to believe that people can disappoint you. The only thing people can do is what they can do. They may say they can do something else. They may want to do something else, particularly if that something else will please someone they hold in high regard. We go merrily along with people, believing they will do what they say, even when their track record, demonstrated inability, or exhibited lack of interests tells us otherwise. In the end, we say they disappointed us. No. We are disappointed that we put our faith in this person despite our better judgement. People always show you who they are. It does not matter what they promise you; if you check the record of your relationship with most people, you have definite evidence of who the person is. You know whether or not they keep their word. You know whether or not they show up on time. You know if they will pay you back or not. We know because we always know, and still act like we do not know when we retreat to the fallback position of being disappointed.

Another sure road to disappointment is to do something you know is not quite right with the hope of getting something out of it. I think the term is ill-gotten gain. In most of these situations, you will be disappointed. The spiritual principle is that you cannot get something for nothing. You cannot gain something good if someone else will be harmed in the process. The laws of the universe will not permit it. You cannot buy a twenty-three-inch color tv in the supermarket parking lot for $75. You cannot have a lasting, peaceful, and totally fulfilling relationship with a person who is married to someone else. We can twist and turn the circumstances, telling ourselves anything we need to hear to justify our actions, but our good can never grow from someone's harm. When we are not in alignment with the law, when we do not tell the absolute truth to ourselves and the other people involved, we will find ourselves in a sea of disappointment.

Just part of another chapter in this book that I took alot from
Hopefloats

[Gabe]

Here is a complimentary quote from my daily reading to go along with Hope's.
I think part of the reason we become disappointed and/or disillusioned is because we are not investing our energy (our spirit, our power) where we should. I think the road to a healthier emotional state begins when we develop...
"Our capacity to pull our energy back from places it shouldn't be and to invest it in places it should be."
~Caroline Myss

[Hopefloats]

And a fantastic quote that was.....
That fit really well, did it not?
Thanks Ms. Gabe
Hopefloats

[Ann]

People always show you who they are. It does not matter what they promise you; if you check the record of your relationship with most people, you have definite evidence of who the person is. You know whether or not they keep their word. You know whether or not they show up on time. You know if they will pay you back or not. We know because we always know, and still act like we do not know when we retreat to the fallback position of being disappointed.

I always try to see the best in people, which is not entirely a bad thing...but when it blurs my vision so that I don't see the dark side, the side that will disappoint me every time, I question my ability to trust.

I know this is true, because the people I trust most are often the people I really should trust least. A hard lesson I have learned.

Good post, Hope.

Hugs
Ann

[Gabe]

Originally Posted by Ann

the people I trust most are often the people I really should trust least. A hard lesson I have learned.

This is interesting, and I can relate.
I'll go out on a limb here and say that perhaps this is another one of those codependent characteristics.
As usual, I want to know why.
Why do we trust people that we shouldn't?
Why do we invest something as important and precious as trust in those who don't deserve it?
I don't have any answers at the moment, my wheels are still turning and probably need another dose of coffee.

[splendra]

Originally Posted by Gabe

Why do we invest something as important and precious as trust in those who don't deserve it?

That is a very good question...I wonder if I can drink enough coffe to come up with the answer that is true....

The only answer that keeps popping up is that trusting untrust worthy people is a lesson in self-deception. It is like the magic thinking of a child if we believe it is so we can make it so. My will will be done kinda of thing...self will run a muck because we like the looks, talent,or intelect of a person or because they are our child,spouse, or parent and for now I am either unwilling or unable to see that trusting this individual is to my detrimate and theirs in that I help them create more ways to decieve me and others. I must learn to love myself enough to love the truth even if it is a truth I do not like...

[Hopefloats]

When you feel....Doubt

"Doubt is the state of conflict regarding the acceptance of truth. The onset of mental, emotional, and spiritual weakness. The absence of trust."

It is a proven scientific fact that no two things can occupy the same space at the same time. This theory applies to the hearts and minds of human beings. Where there is trust, there can be no doubt. The moment doubt enters, trust has disappeared. You cannot believe and doubt. To believe is to know, understand and accept the immutable truth. The truth does not change. The truth cannot be altered. Where there is total, unquestioning reliance on the truth, there can be no doubt. Doubt enters our consciousness and invades the mind when we forget the truth, and when we do not trust in the omnipresence of the divine law.

Doubt is bred in the mental state of attachment or emotional investment in the outcome. When we have a fixed idea of how things should be and how we want them to look, we become doubtful that we will get what we want. The doubt stems from our beliefs, many of which hinge on our thoughts and feelings of unworthiness. When we believe we are not worthy of having what we want, we doubt that we can or will receive it. Doubt is also the mental and emotional response to our need to be in control. To be in control we must know everything about everything. We fix our sights on a particular outcome and a method of achieving that outcome. When it appears that our plans are going awry, the natural response is fear, which is the primary ingredient of doubt. Control-base doubt is what we call worry. Worry is the direct descendant of the need to be in control.

(So I am thinking at this point that I need to look more at me, and what have I been thinking regarding my desired outcome pertaining to certain situations in life....hmmmmmm As much as I would like to blame my mistrust on another person, or me being constantly let down...I went on to read more.....)

We attract into our lives that which we focus upon with the strongest intent. Unfortunately, most of us do not monitor our thoughts, and therefore have no idea of what we are thinking about most of the time. Even on those occasions when we do focus, do plan, do concentrate on our intended desire, we evaluate our progress toward achievement by the appearance of physical evidence. We evaluate and judge what we see as the determining factor of our progress toward a desired end. When one predetermined element fails to appear as we have determined it should, we doubt ourselves and our progress. The moment a seed of doubt becomes inbedded in our thoughts, we can become so preoccupied with fixing what has apparently gone wrong that our thoughts shift from the desired outcome. We are now focused intently on ensuring that nothing goes wrong. Forestalling wrong, rather than desired intent, becomes the focus. That focus will ultimately grow into the very thing we fear, the failure to obtain the desired outcome.

QUOTE:"We attract into our lives that which we focus upon with the strongest intent"

This was taken from the same book.

Hope

[Gabe]

Originally Posted by splendra

trusting untrust worthy people is a lesson in self-deception. It is like the magic thinking of a child if we believe it is so we can make it so.

Oh...GREAT point Splen.
I think there is a hellofa lot of magical thinking that goes on in the codependent mind.
And don't get me wrong.
Magic, imagination and dreams are beautiful things.
As long as they don't go overboard into the deep end of delusion.
(Delusion...y'all know where that is don't you? About a mile down the road from Denial. )

[bluekarl12]

hello, everyone...

first of all, i apologize if my thread doesn't quite mesh with the
previous posts, i want to try to get back into this online stuff,
and i'm not quite sure where to start.

i haven't had a drink now for over a year and half, and i'm happy about
that, but i'm worried that i'm drying up a little bit. or a lot. i used to
attend meetings frequently when i lived in the states, but i now live in
japan teaching english and i've only been to one meeting in the last six
months. i do think that in the states, i was far too dependent on meetings,
and i don't think it's good to be absolutely paralyzed if i can't make a meeting,
but lets just say i've gone a bit to the opposite extreme.

i'm getting scared of myself again, moreso than i can remember being in a long time. i'm afraid i'm going to screw everything up, especially my relationship with my girlfriend, which i value very much. i've been inside
my head soooo much lately that i feel completely dependant on whatever
mood i happen to be in, and i end up overlooking everything else around me.
when i come up with "gratitude lists" in my head, they are extensive but
not heartfelt. as i'm writing this, i feel completely unnatural and, to be honest, a bit cynical. but it's pride pride pride and i know it but i can't feel
it yet. i just talked to my sponsor's wife (she is also my therapist and in AA),
and she basically told me i'm trying everything but what works, that i've been
trying to do everything on my own and refusing to see things another way.
and that i need to be doing what i'm doing now, and that it will feel unnatural.

i was on a plane recently and somehow got bumped up to first class, and i was terrified because i, for the first time in a while, felt a noticeable pull towards
the wine cart that was going up and down the aisle. i didn't drink, but i feel like the resistance was much more learned than sincere. i am resting on my
laurels and know that the now-memorized "no" response to booze can only hold up for so long if i don't make any effort to back it up with something substantial.

gahh, i'm sorry i'm rambling but i just want to be sober again, not dry. just because i haven't had a drink doesn't mean much, because i didn't stop drinking to be miserable. i might as well be drunk, because when i make decisions and say things nowadays, i am under the influence of my raging thoughts and emotions just as much as i used to be under the influence of whatever substance i had filled my body with. i have to be honest, i am very skeptical about the online thing, but i'm sure at least some of you are
a bit better off than me (i hope so, at least). and i guess i'm doing fine right
now in this moment, but that could change in about ten seconds and i don't like that thought. i don't want to be content, i don't want to comfortable, i
don't want to be complacent-- i want to be soberrrrr.

i know i'm being selfish, but this self of mine only wants to admit that up to a certain point, it will admit it just as long as it means i don't have to do anything or listen to anyone, as long as i can ride alone on the sick thrill ride
of my mind and feelings. blah! and here i am saying this to a bunch of people i don't know, but that's how it all started over a year and half ago.
i have to start over.

i'm really sorry for such a long and rambling post, and i hope all of you are doing well in recovery. i hope to get to know some of you in the future. and
i promise i won't always be this grumpy...

alrighty,

peace, love, and all that good stuff...

karl

[Grimnar]

Hi Karl. I can relate. Keep posting and working steps.

Originally Posted by Ann

I always try to see the best in people, which is not entirely a bad thing...but when it blurs my vision so that I don't see the dark side, the side that will disappoint me every time, I question my ability to trust.

I know this is true, because the people I trust most are often the people I really should trust least. A hard lesson I have learned.

Yup, I have been there. Somedays I am still there.

Recently someone didn't follow up on something they promised to do for me. When I found out that they did do it for a 3rd person (and probably more) I was real hurt and disappointed. And mad.

So I need to work on that.

But now I know, by the actions not words, what to expect. So it's not my problem nor is it a shortcoming on my part.