Is there room for compassion?

[splendra]

Last night I was very angry at my H for getting high again...I am not very nice to him when he is high he complained that I have no compassion.

I do all the work that brings in the money, if the house gets clean it is because I do it or, because I pay my house keeper to do it.

He has a buddy that lives across the street that likes to do his DOC they have several schems working to keep their supply coming...They are making big money but, their children did not recieve any christmas from them which made me feel really sad for the kids....

Can someone help me find some compassion for this situation? I am trying to just do what I do and keep the focus on my work but the mess and trash that is all around my house just makes me feel like it is not my home. I feel like a ghoust...

[Ann]

(((Splendra)))

I'd be hard pressed to find much compassion also, but maybe just feel it for all the joy he is missing with his children. That can never be reclaimed later. How sad is that.

Huge hugs to you for handling so much.

Hugs and Love
Ann

[bikewench]

Hey gurl..

hmmm...
he's accusing you of no compassion....

lolol...
laughing my butt off here...



sounds more like a diversional tactic...
get Splendra on the defensive... ;o)


I know for myself today .. that....
I have compassion for Stormy.. yeah...
but.. I have compassion for me first...
and things are much fairer here now...
cause I believe I'm much more honest about my motives than he is.. ;o)

yeah...
I'm learning to take as many steps back as I need to .. to avoid being caught up in the addictive BS that exists in my world...

and it's not even tied to the person so much anymore...

I jsut look at them as an addict.. doing their addict dance.. dangling in the addict breeze...
and I have found that lets me love the person underneath...
and be clearer about them... and what is happening between us.

I'm engaging the person.. and ignoring the addict...
or trying anyway.. ;o)

so...
my suggestion to you is that you keep focusing on the real...
and tell your honey that your into compassion for yourself first...
and don't you ever need to ... being connected to his sorry a$$... lolol....

[splendra]

Originally Posted by bikewench

dangling in the addict breeze...

This visualization makes me laugh I have seen "him" on the clothes line dangling before once when I hung out his clothes on the line.....ooops that doesn't sound very compassionate does it....

Thanks ((((Ann))) and ((((BikeWench))) I love you both ...

[nocellphone]

I was never willing or able to find compassion for my addict stepfather because I couldn't see past his behaviors to notice the wounded person inside. Then I heard a bit of his history, specifically the traumatic abuses he suffered at the hands of his violent alcoholic father (daily beatings until the six-pack was finished, God forbid the man bring home a 12-pack...). I slowly began to understand the reasons he became who he was. They're not excuses, only reasons. As the Al-Anon literature so eloquently puts it, "Hurt people hurt people"...

I have seen a picture of my stepfather as a young boy, bald-headed and smiling from ear to ear. My guess is that this was taken before the disease of alcoholism actively descended onto his family and grabbed them all by the throat.

When I think of him today, slowly slipping from this world as another disease (cancer) progresses, I picture that happy little boy... and my window of compassion opens a little wider.

Thanks, Splendra! You helped me today.

[splendra]

I know my H has a past that was full of abuse. Me too ya know....but, I can't let my past abuse keep me from taking resposibility for my life. That is just me not him. He has told me all about his past I agree that it was terrible. I am so sorry that he had the things happen to him when he was so young and defencless. But, I could also see that somehow him telling me about it seemed to give him more reason to continue using crack and others things too that I won't get into here...compassion I cried all night last night for my compassion where did it go...

I used to be a very heavy drinker. At that time in my life I lived alone I did not take another person down into my abyss and I did not want to either. Why can't he just leave me and go do his thing. I know I cannot make him quit and I do feel that I do get somewhat verbally abusive when he comes around me high especially if he has taken off in my car to get dope... I get so angry over that. I love him but, I do not know how to respond to his addiction in a compassionate way. I want to not be angry anymore. I want my son to be able to come over to my house and not see him high on crack. Everytime one of the kids comes around he goes on the worst binge. I feel embarrased and ashamed for him..ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I have kicked him out before that was even more awful than living with him....the pitiful phone calls from random numbers me begging him to get help...him crying...me crying....I know his ex-wife is going to come after him because he has not paid his child support in several months...I guess all i really have to do is sit back and wait for that....

[nocellphone]

Originally Posted by splendra

I can't let my past abuse keep me from taking resposibility for my life.

That's what I meant when I said "reasons, not excuses". My stepfather's behaviors toward our family are inexcusable, but I can at least understand where they were coming from, especially since he had never been exposed to recovery. Hell, we never knew it was called alcoholism. We just thought it was a$$holism...

Originally Posted by splendra

I want to not be angry anymore.

I had to work hard to stop living an angry life. I finally became aware that anger, for me, is always a fear reaction. Anger is just the public face of my private fears. In Al-Anon, I found a Higher Power that is bigger than my fear. Today I choose not to let fear be my Higher Power.

Originally Posted by splendra

Everytime one of the kids comes around he goes on the worst binge.

My guess, from what you've described, is that seeing the kids is a trigger his shame. Next comes the anesthesia...

If you can get your hands on some Al-Anon literature (daily readers especially), there's quite a bit available on anger, compassion, acceptance and the like. It's always a source of comfort to me when I'm suffering from too much of one or a lack of another.

I wish you peace...

[BigSis]

Splendra - I think my problem is not a lack of compassion... after all, it is my compassion that allows me to ENABLE their addiction.

Where I need to work my program is believing that *I* deserve good treatment... if that can happen while others are using, so be it. If not... well that is a boundary only I can determine.

I believe I can love an addict and leave them, if that is what I need to do.

PS - If the pitiful phone calls are part of what holds you back... I had to learn that I can choose to not answer that damned phone. And it wasn't easy - but now that I do that with my mom (the original addict in my life), I've found I can set that same boundaries fairly easily with others.


Peace....

[splendra]

(((Big Sis)))

I have to answer my phone for my work. Although answering devises were invented to help us know who has called not everyone will leave a message even if it is very important. I know that I have gotten voice mail many times and get another call and I opt to answer it rather than leave a message. Anyway I know I will not throw him out again...if he leaves on his own so be it but, I do not have the energy to throw him out....he knows his drug use is causing both of us lot's of pain...yes I am definatly powerless....and unmanagable...

[BigSis]

Originally Posted by splendra

....I am trying to just do what I do and keep the focus on my work but the mess and trash that is all around my house just makes me feel like it is not my home. I feel like a ghost...

(((Splendra)))

[Five]

first off its entirely natural to feel the way you do - who wouldnt in your situation?

What you do about it is up to you. Make yourself feel happy and good about yourself by doing what needs to be done.

[ASH]

Originally Posted by splendra

I know his ex-wife is going to come after him because he has not paid his child support in several months...I guess all i really have to do is sit back and wait for that....

Hi Splendra,
Situation sound just horrible to me, if you cant get any peace in your own home...not to mention the clean!
Everyone has said it well, have compassion for yourself, your suffering.
As for the child support, well where I live husband/wife money is all the same and that means....you could be sued to pay the child support if you lived here.
I hope that is not the case in your area, but you may want to check that out privately with a lawyer, its too scary to think about, sorry to bring it up, but I have a friend that got nailed for child support a few years ago and she didnt have any kids! Yep, and she waited long enough that she got to pay alimony as well, just when she thought it was over and she was finally safe.
Please take care of yourself, your deserve better, and dont be too worried about showing compassion for someone who is high, thats just not in ANY rule book!

[splendra]

Yesterday after putting myself thru codie h#ll one more time I decided that I needed to have a prayer for myself to detach and accept things the way they are. Just the act of praying did something good for me I have been on my 11th step all year and I think it was very appropiate for me to have a prayer just for me from me, I meditated on God's will for me and could clearly see that it is not my HPs will for me to stress over what my H does. I was given some insight about my work that I have not ever considered as well something I can do to flow better plus the oppertunity to try it out and see once again that my work is all about my HPs will for me. I felt such warmth and love while in this meditative state.

To top things off something happened with my H that I think has given him some insight into what he is doing. Today he is kinda crabby I think because he has had a pretty rude awaking but, his actions towards me are are coming from a place of respect and love like I know he has for me. I have always objected to him being crabby with me....

[splendra]

urhh uhhhh... Hp also showed me that I need to take responsibility for my own thoughts and what I am allow me to do to me....I am the worst abuser to me in my life...

[equus]

As a young adult I believed in my right to be angry, I believed in other's right to be angry and it seemed important. I've a typical celtic temper and seemed to see lots of worth in being angry as long as it was fair or justifiable.

For whatever reason I don't know, but I began to be aware of what comes out from anger and how much is done under the banner of being justified. I suppose they were the seeds of questioning.

Very recently a book challenged me to look at where anger has taken me, what has been the result to my happiness, my behaviour, my way of reasoning, my peace. In contrast where has compassion taken me in happiness, behaviour, reasoning and peace? Where do I want to be?

I may or may not have a right to anger, I don't really care anymore - I do my best to chose compassion because I prefere the results. I'm not perfect at it (not by a long way), but compassion does seem to help me defeat anger and other feelings which in the end made ME unhappy.

To my understanding compassion is just to see a person as whole, their whole history and whole behaviour rather than focusing in on what's creating my anger; remembering negative things in my own behaviour so that I don't forget we have a tendency to be very equal; not forgetting the other person NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO remains a feeling human being.

It's been an incredible journey for me in the last few months, and it continues!! My rights aside I making my choice to keep compassion and help it to grow at every opportunity. Even through times that got harder and harder a couple of months back I found it helped me think more clearly and be happier. I also found that as I tried to dispute anger my self respect grew - because I behaved more in a way I believe in, I found it easier to respect my own feeling about behaviour in my actions.

In the midst of all this for one day I got angry at the effort I put in - I wanted the opposite, I wanted rage and to really cause harm, get my own back, retaliate, punish, just anything as long as I didn't have to try and could let go. The next day I was beyond sad, regret doesn't cover it, I lost my self respect that night, while I dehumanised I experience it was ME not THEM who lost humanity.

I'm going to get it wrong so many times but I don't think anything could make me chose anger again - as to my rights to it, I couldn't care less. I want to be happy.

[splendra]

certainly I too would rather be happy than right and/or angry....much better benifits

[equus]

Splendra have you ever read:
Ethics for the New Millennium: His Holiness the Dalai Lama?

I love it's socks off!! And when he says you don't need a religion to get it - he's flippin' telling the truth! I don't believe any book could have got me through the last few months the way that one did. It wasn't a bending of where I wanted to go, just a torch so I got a better handle on how to get there!! It profoundly changed my attitude.

[splendra]

(((equus)))

Thanx for the book title I will check it out. I got to meet the Dalai Lama several years ago at a college I was taking a course at. He is a human for sure and if he is holy so are you...

[DesertEyes]

Hey there Splendra,

I'm terribly sorry that you are going thru this. Holidays seem to always make things worse. Have a big ((((( hug )))))) just cuz.

As far as "compassion", the way I understand it means that I should have compassion for the _person_. I have compassion for my biological parents, who were brutaly abusive alkies, and for my wife who is suffering the ravages of addiction. I do _not_ have compassion for their behavior. What I have for their behavior is "boundaries", and based on those "boundaries" I have "consequences" that I will use to protect myself from any further harm.

When my biological parents were alive I had a very limited relationship with them. I made it clear that if they ever got into any kind of recovery I would gladly consider increasing contact with them. I also told them that they were not ever allowed anywhere near my kid, as they were pedophiles. By explaining to them my boundaries I was showing compassion for the _person_ without endangering myself or my kids.

My wife is just a generic addict. My kid is now an adult and quite capable of protecting herself. I have the same limited relationship with my wife, if she gets some kind of recovery I will consider increasing contact. We are still in the process of getting divorced, so it's not as "limited" as my boundaries would like, but I'm making progress :-)

However bad you may feel today, know that there's alanoids all over the world holding meetings right now, and we're all praying just for you. You can improve your life, you can resolve all the challenges before you just like all us other alanoids are doing. We're all here for you, and I am saying extra prayers for you.

Mike :-)

[nocellphone]

Originally Posted by DesertEyes

My wife is just a generic addict.

Huh. I'd never heard of anyone addicted to generics before. Guess it's cheaper...?