not looking for guidance, but needing some help.

[Kenster]

I've been on before and I've said the the usual stuff about "this time I mean it, I really wont have another drink" and yet everytime I have. I now feel as though this addiction completely controls my life. I'm only young - 35 actually and yet I now live like a recluse. I have / had loads of good friends who always tried to get me to do things but for the past 2 years I've made up every excuse I could so that I could sit in my flat on my own and get drunkpretty much every night.I've broken my heart over drinking so many times but now I feel like drinking has actually broken my spirit. I dont know if I have the strength of character to stop and I often feel as though I don't care if I wake up the next day or not because I know whats coming and I hate myself for it. I know theres no miracle cure, no magic wand to wave but at the moment I really don't like myself and I'm losing imterest in being here so I need to change something. I just dont know how?

[Justme57]

Hi there Kenster

Oh! how I relate to what you have posted. I drank for 37 years, the last 5-6 being in just the manner you describe . Waking to the thought " I wont drink today" then the battle for a couple of hours until my disease won, " well I will just have 1" Yeah right !!!! I hated myself for losing the battle, so I drank to cope with the self hate, then i hated myself more COS I drank. A vicious circle!

I used to finish work, and think OK I wont drink tonight, BUT I just might drop by the bottle shop and get some beer , IN CASE ! In case of what ?

It IS a vicious circle Kenster, and we have no control over it , UNTIL we recognise that fact , and adress it .

For me, that involved ringing AA and getting to a meeting. I was scared witless, had no idea what AA was, but knew I had to do SOMETHING! I was so desperate and beaten, I was willing to do ANYTHING that was suggested. And I did ! I now have 26 months of sobriety, and cannot believe how my life and my thinking has changed

i wish you the best luck with your decision

HUGX
Lee

[Kenster]

Not sure if it's right to say that i'm thankfull to see that someone else has lived exactly the same way as me, but I do feel as though i'm the only one to ever live like this. Can relate to you so much, I even make justify my last few drinks every night because there going to be the last one's ever have so I should really enjoy them.

Thanks for getting in touch, not sure if I'm ready for AA, but then again not sure about anything at the moment. thanks again.

K

[Justme57]

Hi again Kenster

I was SO glad to hear that there were others who had lived and felt like me. I heard that in the sharing at my first AA meeting, and was blown away . I was SURE I was the only one EVER to feel like me LOL

hey , you know what I did once ? I rang in sick to work while i was in a blackout, and of course did not remember in the am,and I went to work ! Bit embarrassing that was lol

keep posting and let us know how you are going

HUGX
Lee

[Five]

Sounds as if you starting to realise that you have a problem. I was the same as you: solitary drinking. I used to sit in my flat, thinking I was a great writer, not actually writing, but just fantasising and ruminating. It felt good, so the temptation was so strong. What I had to do was WAKE up from the illusion that alcohol was a source of GOOD in my life, that it was okay just to have a few. I guess the day I got sober my mind noticed really quickly the facts about my life: I was addicted to booze and was in a hopeless state. Although I am not into AA is that last sentence I wrote is pretty much the substance of step one. Mate, at the end of the day, if you drink you will drink – but you would be mad to expect it to change and suddenly for it not to become a problem. What do adults try and do with a problem? They try to fix it. I am not saying your being childish, I am sure your not, but it really should be a final and mature discion to stop putting yourself through the nightmare of addiction. Good luck, keeps us posted, and PM me if you like. Many roads, one journey.