The Stranger Within

[Don W]

I let my staff go home eary tonight and had some time to think while I worked. I've done some of my best while working. Ilove doing house cleaning when stressed out. Strange HuH? Anyway, Have you ever got to the point that you've been so good, and become so dependable. All the things I used to envy but, hate in others. I've been having trouble off and on the last few months. I was tracing back to when it began. When my mother became ill was it. My sister and mother started treating me like I was dependable. All the people here keep giving me compliments about how I've helped them. Of course, they've helped me but, there is a stranger in me recieving these compliments. I understand all the things people say about accepting compliments because you've earned them. However, I must post how I feel. The confusion I have been feeling is like the confusion when I was drinking. I was 2 people then. And worked real hard hiding one from the other and other people included. Today I feel like 2 people. Somethings that are going wrong I can identify with. Example, my mother spoke to me last week of one of my brothers that she hadn't seen in 3 years. We both talked about it but, I remembered using alcohol and going a long time without seeing her. I could see in her eyes, even thought she is blind, how I must have once hurt her. I think it's the forgiveness she has given me that hurts most today. I don't know if that makes sense. But, the forgiveness and love that people give me makes me uncomfortable. The stranger within me is the new dependable thoughtful Don, and right now I love it but, want it to go away. When does being nice begin to feel normal? When does it feel like me? When will I see what you and others see on a constant basis. I feel crazy for saying this but, scared not to. I feel about as close to sabotageing this as I've felt in a long time. I won't because drinking again in the past was a thoughtless event. I just did it and talked after. I've made mistakes but, don't have time to edit. I just had to post before I didn't, if that makes sense. These Holidays don't help either. Don W

[minnie]

When you feel you deserve it, Don.

[historyteach]

(((Don)))
I understand that feeling. I've always had a difficult time accepting any compliments at all. I guess I always felt I didn't deserve it. Actually cried more than once when given a compliment. Whatever.

Minnie,
How does one begin to feel they deserve it?
Cuz, you've just echoed something my doctor and Best recently told me. And I don't get it.

Shalom!

[Dan]

Don,
I want to share something a longtimer in AA told me very early on.
He said the biggest gift he found in sobering up, and after much internal work, was that when someone paid him a compliment now, or showed him genuine love and affection, he no longer automatically thought of ten different reasons why he wasn't deserving of such good deeds.
It's an inside job, as minnie suggests.

[historyteach]

Yea, I hear that.
And I've learned to accept a compliment now, graciously. I've had to for professional reasons. But, that's the role; not me....

Shalom!

[Ann]

Originally Posted by Don W

I could see in her eyes, even thought she is blind, how I must have once hurt her. I think it's the forgiveness she has given me that hurts most today. I don't know if that makes sense. But, the forgiveness and love that people give me makes me uncomfortable. The stranger within me is the new dependable thoughtful Don, and right now I love it but, want it to go away. When does being nice begin to feel normal? When does it feel like me? When will I see what you and others see on a constant basis. I feel crazy for saying this but, scared not to.

Well Don, since I am one of those people who admire the person you are, and also the mother of an addict, I'm going to give this my best shot, and I have no idea if I am even close.

Could it be that you haven't quite forgiven yourself yet? And...if that is the case, I don't think you can really love yourself until you do. Therefore, perhaps you feel unworthy of the admiration or even feel like a fraud? Do you sometimes think "if they really KNEW me, and knew the person I used to be, they wouldn't think so highly of me"?

Now, as the mother of an addict who is very close with other mothers of addicts, I'm going to tell you how it is with us. No matter what our sons did, no matter how bad it got, we never lost sight of the good person we know as our son, because he was alway still in there somewhere buried under the devastation of addiction.

I have no idea where my son is today or how bad his life might be, but I am telling you straight from my heart that I have forgiven him every single thing he has ever done and every ounce of pain I have felt. I don't hold him responsible for my pain. I hold the disease responsible because it is only through this disease that any of this has taken place. And "responsible" isn't even the right word, a disease cannot be held responsible. But what I mean is that for whatever reason my son is an addict, and I believe that genetics played a role just as much as his own bad choices. His birth family is a group of people who are all addicted to something, and I don't hold them responsible either. It just is what it is.

Don, you have been where you have been because of addiction and you are what you are today because you fought your way through all of that and beat it, and continue to beat it one day at a time. Because it is possible that you could relapse and once again become the person of the disease, doesn't invalidate the person you are today.

We each have many personnas within ourselves (and no I'm not Sybil, LOL), but you know what I mean. We have the serious responsible person, and the inner child, and the frightened adult, and all sorts of characteristics all rolled into one body and mind. We are the sum of these personnas, with even the dark ones bringing us an appreciation for the light. We are the sum of our experience and we use that to become a better person each day.

The sort version of what I just said is that I believe God made each of us exactly as we are, for a purpose and I believe we are each different so that we can each bring our own unique gifts from our experiences to each other, and learn and grow and become a better civilization. We are each a child of God and a family of the universe, and that is called "life". Our interaction with each other is called "love". When I hear "God is Love", to me that means the interaction is working and all is as it is supposed to be.

I'm giving myself a headache, so I'll take the cold pack and think about what just flowed out of my mind into my fingers here. I hope it made a little bit of sense and in some way connects with your question. Pheww. Love you, Don, just as you are.

Hugs
Ann

[Don W]

Thank you all. I went back on line hoping I'd logged off. I didn't want to read what I knew would be here. All the things I needed to hear. I just want to share that I'm going to be OK. I've changed my past behavior by talking to you all. I've already made arrangements to get home from work safe. I'm calling Debby, my wife, when I leave. She knows how long it takes me to get home. I've also left a message with my friends at Occupational Health, I've requsted a urine test on Monday. They've been testing me for almost 3 years now. We've become friends and I feel comfortable request a test. I'm on the program now on a volunteer basis. Might sound crazy to some but, I need to set up roadblocks in my recovery. This way even if I want to, I can't make a error in judgement. i know myself and my past patterns. I don't know if this is possible but, I've had a cold and bought and took some CVS Daytime Cold/Flu relief medication.
It is over the counter but, I've felt myself mentally go downhill since taking it. Could this have a affect like this? I feel jumpy and like I'd been drinking. I'll check the ingredients and post them. Maybe you guys can tell me. i won't take more, I'll just live with the runny nose. I do have to say that I feel good about myself having exposed my thoughts. Gone unchecked in the past well, you know. Thank God I have all of you at my fingertips and thank God I've got fingertips.

[minnie]

(((Don)))

Keep safe, hon.

[Dan]

Originally Posted by Don W

I do have to say that I feel good about myself having exposed my thoughts. Gone unchecked in the past well, you know.

Yep.
Well done, Don. Big recovery in action.

[Don W]

Home, Safe,sound and sober. I had some help. Along with you guys, everything went wrong, or right depending how you look at it. The 3rd shift people didn't arrive until their normal 11pm time. So I could leave early. I'd forgotten my ATM card at home. No money to drink. WhenI got off bus near my home, a cab driver I'm a regular with saw me and dropped me home on way to another fare no charge. Waked in the door, wife waited up. Wanted a hug and kiss, checking I'm sure. Passed I did.