Where do you go to find out about the stuff you cannot ask anyone?
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Where do you go to find out about the stuff you cannot ask anyone?
I am coming up to a cluster of issues that I want input on but it is not stuff I am comfortable about asking here. And it is stuff that a non-addict is not likely to understand. And it is stuff that you are not supposed to discuss with people in 12-step recovery.
I am not in therapy at this time, so I really do not know where to go with this.
I am not in therapy at this time, so I really do not know where to go with this.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
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Tough due to vagueness, I get why, but I'll try to help anyway.
I'm kinda ignoring the statement about 'not supposed to discuss with' because I don't catch your meaning well...
Google. There are other forums with focuses on various types of mental and physical health issues. You can use a different forum name in each if you like to help preserve being anonymously 'clustered'.
Search here - while you are not comfortable, others may have been...
Ask other trusted members here that are not 12-steppers via PM, perhaps.
Best I can do right now...
I'm kinda ignoring the statement about 'not supposed to discuss with' because I don't catch your meaning well...
Google. There are other forums with focuses on various types of mental and physical health issues. You can use a different forum name in each if you like to help preserve being anonymously 'clustered'.
Search here - while you are not comfortable, others may have been...
Ask other trusted members here that are not 12-steppers via PM, perhaps.
Best I can do right now...
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Its just some personal recovery related stuff. But it deals with some negative feelings that came up in recovery, which is what I mean about the stuff you are not supposed to share/
I think this is the first time in years I had something I really did not feel I had any one to talk about. It is not really "information", I need as much as hearing about personal experience and getting personal advice.
I need to get back into therapy as soon as I can afford it!
I think this is the first time in years I had something I really did not feel I had any one to talk about. It is not really "information", I need as much as hearing about personal experience and getting personal advice.
I need to get back into therapy as soon as I can afford it!
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
"...Its just some personal recovery related stuff. But it deals with some feelings that came up in recovery, which is what I mean about the stuff you are not supposed to share..."
You've mentioned, on more than one occasion, 'stuff you are not supposed to share,' and all I can say is..................find some other meetings; some recovered folks who'll listen and help you out....I've never heard of anything that one is not supposed to share, except perhaps outside issues. What you're talking about doesn't seem to fit that mold.
(o:
NoelleR
You've mentioned, on more than one occasion, 'stuff you are not supposed to share,' and all I can say is..................find some other meetings; some recovered folks who'll listen and help you out....I've never heard of anything that one is not supposed to share, except perhaps outside issues. What you're talking about doesn't seem to fit that mold.
(o:
NoelleR
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
I have shared some of the grossest, most vile things. And funny enough, no one seemed like they judged me. They too needed the answers to the tough questions and didn't know how to ask them either.
My opinion ? Go for it. You may help a slew of people because of your truth and honesty.
My opinion ? Go for it. You may help a slew of people because of your truth and honesty.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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I am a specialist in negative feelings, if there is one that exists that I have not had, or been the subject of, I am sure that it will occur shortly. If you are that embarrassed to post it surely you could PM Dee and he might have some thoughts.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
MiamiFella, if you wish to discuss something that is only understood by those who have lived with addiction, and is also not comfortably discussed with those in the fellowship of AA, there are other options. I think you can see them clearly, they are speaking with either trained therapists or counsellors, or talking with those who have used one of the many alternatives to the 12 step model.
Maybe some of each is what you are looking for. If this is troubling you, do you think you should make a plan and try it out?
Maybe some of each is what you are looking for. If this is troubling you, do you think you should make a plan and try it out?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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I have found the anonymity of this forum a great way to share some of the most intimate things. Some judge but most genuinely care...work your way up though, perhaps chat with someone you relate to?
I am in therapy but I have shared the same stuff here. The key is just keeping from giving away anything that could tie back.
I am in therapy but I have shared the same stuff here. The key is just keeping from giving away anything that could tie back.
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Hello miamifella,
Been there, done that. What worked for me, like others suggested, was a combination of things. I went shopping for meetings... 2 hours away by freeway, so that nobody would recognize me. Found a couple really good meetings, asked around for a temporary sponsor. He turned out to be minister, so that worked out really well.
I also went to the local college, they had a "sliding fee" arrangement for therapy. I could afford it and not only got a good therapist, I got the whole faculty of the department supervising and giving suggestions. Very good deal, in my opinion.
Mike
Been there, done that. What worked for me, like others suggested, was a combination of things. I went shopping for meetings... 2 hours away by freeway, so that nobody would recognize me. Found a couple really good meetings, asked around for a temporary sponsor. He turned out to be minister, so that worked out really well.
I also went to the local college, they had a "sliding fee" arrangement for therapy. I could afford it and not only got a good therapist, I got the whole faculty of the department supervising and giving suggestions. Very good deal, in my opinion.
Mike
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NoelleR--They say around here that one should only share experience, strength and hope and live in the solution. So I was always told that one should not dwell on difficulties or problems within the fellowship. When I tried such discussions with members, they usually shut me down. I went to a few dozen different groups and that was consistent.
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Thank you everyone for your suggestions.
In the past few months I have had unexpected expenses that have made it impossible for me to do therapy. I should be able to get back soon.
Unfortunately the alternate groups in South Florida do not have meetings that I can attend due to work conflicts.
But as I said, I will probably be posting here after I think a little on my own.
In the past few months I have had unexpected expenses that have made it impossible for me to do therapy. I should be able to get back soon.
Unfortunately the alternate groups in South Florida do not have meetings that I can attend due to work conflicts.
But as I said, I will probably be posting here after I think a little on my own.
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I read your last post, but still want to suggest... get a therapist. Hate to sound cliche, but where there is a will, there is a way. If it's priority enough, it can be done. I went to therapy when I had no insurance and no money. There are lots of therapists who work on a sliding scale, and some that even take on clients pro bono. If it's something that may lead you to a drink, I think it would be worth the effort (and whatever $$) of finding one that would be affordable. Sounds like it would only be short term anyhow.
If not, actually my first thought was if you have any kind of faith in a HP to sincerely pray about it and ask for guidance. With faith, that works, but if your issues have to do with this kind of stuff then, well... the next is all I've got left....
Try again. And maybe reword what it is you're putting out there. Sounds like you might be presenting it with your tail between your legs, when there's no reason to. I am in complete disagreement with the idea that meetings are where we share experience, strength and hope, and not difficulties or problems. I found one of my most helpful sponsors by sharing stuff that some people may have been annoyed with.
I had relationship issues with one of the few women I went out with from the rooms. I traveled to a meeting where I knew nobody knew either of us, and spilled my guts. I was approached after the meeting by a guy who taught me tons and tons of relationship stuff I'm certain I wouldn't have learned anywhere else. He literally coached me through some phone conversations. He was like an angel who had been put in my path. And if I hadn't opened up in the room, I'd have never met this guy. If I had only shared my problem one on one with my sponsor or someone else, I'd have gotten only their limited opinion. By putting the stuff out into a room full of recoveringed people I'm open to tons of experience and feedback from people who learned to think past the drink to healthier ways of living. I don't care who has a problem with what I need to share, I'm sharing what's necessary.
I'll add that I think there's a difference between sharing our problems and pain in order to get help, and ranting endlessly while doing nothing. I don't do that. All it takes is a little sensitivity, and the ability to state what we need to state in under 3 minutes . And while I put a smilety there, I think that's a really REALLY important part of it.
If not, actually my first thought was if you have any kind of faith in a HP to sincerely pray about it and ask for guidance. With faith, that works, but if your issues have to do with this kind of stuff then, well... the next is all I've got left
....
Originally Posted by miamifella 
NoelleR--They say around here that one should only share experience, strength and hope and live in the solution. So I was always told that one should not dwell on difficulties or problems within the fellowship. When I tried such discussions with members, they usually shut me down. I went to a few dozen different groups and that was consistent.
I had relationship issues with one of the few women I went out with from the rooms. I traveled to a meeting where I knew nobody knew either of us, and spilled my guts. I was approached after the meeting by a guy who taught me tons and tons of relationship stuff I'm certain I wouldn't have learned anywhere else. He literally coached me through some phone conversations. He was like an angel who had been put in my path. And if I hadn't opened up in the room, I'd have never met this guy. If I had only shared my problem one on one with my sponsor or someone else, I'd have gotten only their limited opinion. By putting the stuff out into a room full of recoveringed people I'm open to tons of experience and feedback from people who learned to think past the drink to healthier ways of living. I don't care who has a problem with what I need to share, I'm sharing what's necessary.
I'll add that I think there's a difference between sharing our problems and pain in order to get help, and ranting endlessly while doing nothing. I don't do that. All it takes is a little sensitivity, and the ability to state what we need to state in under 3 minutes
. And while I put a smilety there, I think that's a really REALLY important part of it.
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JoeNerv--
I spent 7 or 8 years in 12-step programs. For most of that time, I went to listen (not to speak) and in that time I observed a lot.
I saw people in pain seeking help, in pain seeking attention, not in pain seeking attention, people sharing with a point, without a point, speaking in meetings and one-on-one. None of it changed the philosophy of the program as practiced in the cities in which I attendied meetings, which is to share experience strength and hope, live in the solution, and not drag anyone down. I know this is not how it is everywhere and not how everyone experiences it, but it is what I experienced and observed. )And this philosophy is expressed in the program literature in these very words!)
I have a therapist already with a sliding scale. And as I said earlier in the thread I will be going back when I can afford it. (Unexpected expenses have made it impossible these last few months--should be better in January.)
I spent 7 or 8 years in 12-step programs. For most of that time, I went to listen (not to speak) and in that time I observed a lot.
I saw people in pain seeking help, in pain seeking attention, not in pain seeking attention, people sharing with a point, without a point, speaking in meetings and one-on-one. None of it changed the philosophy of the program as practiced in the cities in which I attendied meetings, which is to share experience strength and hope, live in the solution, and not drag anyone down. I know this is not how it is everywhere and not how everyone experiences it, but it is what I experienced and observed. )And this philosophy is expressed in the program literature in these very words!)
I have a therapist already with a sliding scale. And as I said earlier in the thread I will be going back when I can afford it. (Unexpected expenses have made it impossible these last few months--should be better in January.)
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Originally Posted by miamifella
And it is stuff that you are not supposed to discuss with people in 12-step recovery.
or
a Preacher, Elder or Priest
Mountainman
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The program focuses on living in the solution. This is true. It also puts emphasis on uncovering all of our truths and lies and sharing it all with atleast one other human being.
Closed mouths don't get fed.
I've asked people about how to get a job, how to manage finances, how to maintain a relationship, how to be better at sex, how to work on masturbation, what to do when thoughts come up regarding suicide and painful emotions.... the list goes on. By asking the right people I got the answer that worked for me.
It doesn't matter how bad it may seem to you, someone out there can relate and help in one way or another.
Without risk there is no reward. Without making yourself vulnerable you will not grow.
Just what I've learned so far.
Closed mouths don't get fed.
I've asked people about how to get a job, how to manage finances, how to maintain a relationship, how to be better at sex, how to work on masturbation, what to do when thoughts come up regarding suicide and painful emotions.... the list goes on. By asking the right people I got the answer that worked for me.
It doesn't matter how bad it may seem to you, someone out there can relate and help in one way or another.
Without risk there is no reward. Without making yourself vulnerable you will not grow.
Just what I've learned so far.
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StevenT--
I have not been part of 12-step recovery for a few years, but I think the groups I was part of were a lot more strict and old-fashioned than the ones you know. Living in the solution was a big thing here, so maybe you could talk about car problems or relationship issues, but when it was related to addiction sharing problems without solutions was definitely met with strong disapproval.
It is one of the reasons I eventually sought recovery elsewhere. But that's another story...
I have not been part of 12-step recovery for a few years, but I think the groups I was part of were a lot more strict and old-fashioned than the ones you know. Living in the solution was a big thing here, so maybe you could talk about car problems or relationship issues, but when it was related to addiction sharing problems without solutions was definitely met with strong disapproval.
It is one of the reasons I eventually sought recovery elsewhere. But that's another story...
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
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Couple thoughts...
Some of my best friends I met online, in forums..PMing over things we didn't feel were appropriate for the public area, were uncomfortable putting out there, or were just wonderfully off topic.
So if you've noticed anyone on SR that seems to "get" you, or has hinted at issues like the one's you are thinking of, maybe give them a PM.
My best friend lives on the other side of the planet and we've never seen one another or even spoken on the phone, but we can truly talk about anything, no one in our lives knows each other, it's totally safe, we can be fully and completely candid on a level we're not able to even with very very good friends in our real lives.
On the subject of "shares"...I've noticed on every forum or group I've belonged to (no matter the subject or objective) people seem to quickly sort into roles. Some people get taken care of. They can rant, cry, complain, walk out in a huff, come back, etc etc and are always "taken care" of and given attention. Others are parental types, then there are the "wild child" types, the intellectuals, the cool as a cucumber types etc.
And if the wild child shows a soft side...others don't know how to react. If the cool as a cucumber comes in with a tale of confusion and pain, they are greeted with silence, or worse told to buck up or that their behavior is unacceptable, while in the same venue the "take care of me types" are comforted and assisted when they have the same issue.
What I am getting as is that a person's experience of a meeting, club, forum or even family is NOT the same as that of the person sitting next to them. It just isn't. Dynamics are that sensitive and volatile that a meeting or group that seems the warmest and friendliest place to one seems impenatrable and intollerant to another.
My sister and I marvel at how we grew up with different families, in the same house, because of our roles and the dynamics.
Take 5 people on SR, have them post the same OP, and due to people's previous interactions and ideas about them they will get very different responses.
This is totally normal, natural and fine, but it's worth remembering.
Some of my best friends I met online, in forums..PMing over things we didn't feel were appropriate for the public area, were uncomfortable putting out there, or were just wonderfully off topic.
So if you've noticed anyone on SR that seems to "get" you, or has hinted at issues like the one's you are thinking of, maybe give them a PM.
My best friend lives on the other side of the planet and we've never seen one another or even spoken on the phone, but we can truly talk about anything, no one in our lives knows each other, it's totally safe, we can be fully and completely candid on a level we're not able to even with very very good friends in our real lives.
On the subject of "shares"...I've noticed on every forum or group I've belonged to (no matter the subject or objective) people seem to quickly sort into roles. Some people get taken care of. They can rant, cry, complain, walk out in a huff, come back, etc etc and are always "taken care" of and given attention. Others are parental types, then there are the "wild child" types, the intellectuals, the cool as a cucumber types etc.
And if the wild child shows a soft side...others don't know how to react. If the cool as a cucumber comes in with a tale of confusion and pain, they are greeted with silence, or worse told to buck up or that their behavior is unacceptable, while in the same venue the "take care of me types" are comforted and assisted when they have the same issue.
What I am getting as is that a person's experience of a meeting, club, forum or even family is NOT the same as that of the person sitting next to them. It just isn't. Dynamics are that sensitive and volatile that a meeting or group that seems the warmest and friendliest place to one seems impenatrable and intollerant to another.
My sister and I marvel at how we grew up with different families, in the same house, because of our roles and the dynamics.
Take 5 people on SR, have them post the same OP, and due to people's previous interactions and ideas about them they will get very different responses.
This is totally normal, natural and fine, but it's worth remembering.
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