Support Systems

[Don W]

Lately I've been up and down. There are alot of things happening in my life. There has been good but, sort of like the Patriots, it's been win one lose one. All of a sudden I've noticed a dangerous pattern in my thoughts. I'm fighting them but, maybe I should expose them. I've been thinking of isolating but, I now believe it's something else. I've been wanting to sever my support systems. Have you ever thought of this. I want to tell the VA I'm OK now, drop meetings, fade away from SR etc. The problem is I think it's my alcoholism driving these thoughts. If I look hard, it is all the things that watch over me. Things that help keep me sober. I've taken reading back up to help divert my brain from destructive thoughts. Hey, maybe I'm over reacting to some difficult times. My 92 year old mother is sick, some family members not talking to others, my wife and daughter not speaking after argument on vacation. My wife might be out of a job. One of the lawyers is moving south. My manager at work is getting unreasonable at work. My former employer has offered me a good job to come back. The Holidays are here and my family is fragmented. For the first time in along time I need to keep repeating, " I will not drink no matter what." The crazy part is I feel good in a way. Strange but, being in control and not on alcohol is a relief. So I can't understand why I'd want to stop what got me here. I feel a little silly even saying it, I mean I have almost 3 years. You'd think these thoughts wouldn't return. Do you ever feel like you need a pep talk? Should I need one at this stage? I'm just a little lost, and don't want to choose the wrong path.

[Ann]

Don, you've been peeking in my window haven't you?

Sometimes, when things get overwhelming, I think "what's the use?" "why bother?" or "it's not working". It's like hitting a wall in my recovery and when that happens, I sometimes need to "freshen up" my program, maybe reading something new in recovery, or try a different group, or do something different to meditate, but that doesn't mean I have to give up my support system that is already in place.

It may also mean that I am taking ownership of that which is not mine...other people. Ann is responsible for Ann and her behaviour and thoughts. Don is responsible for his. On good days the combination is like a symphony, and on a bad day maybe oil and water. Those are the days to take some space just for yourself.

I have drawn so much inspiration from you and your recovery, Don, and that is a gift you give to many many people. There are many gifts out there for you too, all free for the taking. Sometimes you have to look around to see them, but I promise you they are there.

Sending hugs and prayers that your light shines a little brighter for you soon.

Hugs
Ann

[Don W]

Thanks Ann, I was thinking on the way home. Maybe, I'm being taught a lesson. Most of the things I mentioned I have no control over. Yet for years I tried. About the only items I control is my decision to not drink and the decision about the job offer. The reason for the offer was my sobriety. I was a good worker but, had the alcohol problem. I quit before being fired. They heard I'd turned things around. Oh, and I have control over being the best son I can be. This past weekend I helped the nurses by feeding my mother. Maybe, my gift you speak of is being able to give the gift of just plain love. I just have learned from my past. And although only thoughts, past behavior unchecked led to drinking for escape from LIFE. Really, maybe that's all that is happening Life. Hugs back to you. By the way. If you're still up check the Pandas out. They look like a couple of cats laying on their back. Go to Mental Health, Panda Alert, if you don't already have the site. I forgot, you might be on to something. I have problems when I get close to mile stones. I'm getting close to 3 years. I'm going to try your suggestion about adding to my program. I have resumed reading which helped, and then I stopped.

[historyteach]

Yea, there are times I want to isolate and stay away from my support systems. And I too, sometimes feel like, this is all BS! Nothing works. I'm probably there right now, as a matter of fact. I've not told anyone, except people here on SR that I'm out of work. Although I'll be going to my old counselor Monday, that's because my doctor wanted me to.
I'm wondering, though, Don. Doesn't PAWS raise it's ugly head around anniversaries? If so, perhaps some of the issues raised in those links could be helpful?
I hope you feel better soon. Keep us posted -- you KNOW we care...

Shalom!

[Hopefloats]

(((Don))) First, thank you for coming here and sharing your feelings. I am going to add some things..and maybe just "one" thing will help

When I was faced with a terminal illness, I remember my doctor asking me if I was depressed.
I told him yes. TO my surprise, he said "good, because I would be worried about you if you were not" I had to absorb what he was telling me. It was normal to feel depressed, and I did not need to deny my fears or worries.

Often times we are just so overwhelmed with our own things, and with things that surround us. For me,leaving my codependency aside...I have a genuine love and concern for my loved ones. No, I cannot fix them, but I am not void of feelings. My mom is dying as you probably know, my daughter is in prison, and there are my own health issues and my recovery also. I am not comparing..only sharing And I am doing so with compassion.

What works for me, is to say it outloud. Sometimes to other people, and sometimes just to myself. Sometimes I have to set everything serious aside, and feed that playful side to me that can get buried underneath all the serious things in life. I have to allow myself to come out to play. Knowing in the back of my mind, that I am not running "from", I am just taking a much needed break. Sometimes I get fun movies, or I get comical and I even laugh about it all. NOT in a bad way, but just at the absurdity of it all. That is a release for me. I always find that I can get right back on track. I know my other option..and if I give into the darkness and let it get it's grips on me, I have added yet another problem to what I am already dealing with.

We are not supposed to have all the answers. And we can only allow others to work through their own pain, and troubles and allow them follow their paths in life.
We can share our light, and borrow some from others when we need it. I have had to surrender to many things. Surrendering releases many feelings for me.

There is much consolation is knowing we are not alone. Even when we feel that we are. Hold onto all that you have accomplished and feel very proud of where you are. When we are in the midst of difficult times, it can be hard to remember all the good. BUT, the good is still there.

Be gentle on Don. Be accepting and loving to yourself, because you deserve it. This too shall pass...And remember for those times that we struggle and for those times that we are hurting, we are still being given a gift. It may be a test of our strength, but if we hold on, we come out..and we come out better and better each time...
God Bless!
Hopefloats

[Don W]

Thank you all for the wonderful response. I've taken alot of it along with my couselors advice. Ann Had a great post by Dr Wayne Dyer. I hate admitting it but, being all I mentioned is a choice I make sometimes. However, if recovery has given me only one thing it is the power, the power to change. Not others, not places and not things. The power to change how life events affect me. Thinking things out instead of trying to drink things out is the key today. I'm not going to allow these events or other to draw me back. Like you said hope, to feel feelings like sad, hurt etc is normal. to wallow in them isn't. That, now that I think of it, was alcoholic behavior. Wallowing in all that went wrong. Do you guys ever feel like me. Strange but, I feel like I'm bringing myself up. I mean my wife once said' All you kids brought yourselves up. However, in many cases wrong. Today, I'm raising a child within me. I'm learning thing I should have learned as a child. Right from wrong etc. In fact I'm going to start a new thread and see if thers can identify. History, not just anniversaries but, in my case events. Mostly events that I have to learn are out of my control.

[Ann]

Today, I'm raising a child within me. I'm learning thing I should have learned as a child.

Me too, Don, and unlearning things that have never served me well.

As we learn and become wiser and mature in our thinking, Don, I still harbour a little hope that we never really grow up.

Hugs
Ann

P.S. I did watch the pandas last night, I just love those little cuties.

[Don W]

Ann, When ever I'm concerned with being "too" grown up I head for DisneyWorld.
Something about a 57 year old man with a "Goofy Hat" prevents me from taking myself too serious. And you are correct about unlearning poor behavior. I atribute some of it on poor paradigms( models) we were supplied with, even sometimees not supplied with.
Today I saw them playing outside on the rocks. He's starting to get around more. I also noticed Mom running in the direction that he'd have to take a difficult route to follow.

[Ann]

Originally Posted by Don W

Ann, When ever I'm concerned with being "too" grown up I head for DisneyWorld.
Something about a 57 year old man with a "Goofy Hat" prevents me from taking myself too serious.

You can't look any sillier than I do as "the world's oldest elf" at the Santa party each year at the Women's Home. I'm the only one who fits the costume...a lovely green velvet ensemble with faux fur trim and green leotards and funny pointy elf shoes. I did this last year too and really got a kick out of the kids, so silly or not, it's fun and rewarding.

Hugs
Ann

[Don W]

I'll have to hold that picture in my mind, so I can laugh all day.

[FitnessBuff]

This forum has really helped me. Don, I really do beleive that all things heal with love. That's my higher power. I also look at all those I love around me and think of how lucky I am. You mentioned that your mother is sick. To be sad about that is a very normal response. That is what compassion is all about. We hate to see our loved ones suffer, and of course, we hate to lose them. Don't think about what could be, but cherish the time you have with her. You can't control the fighting between your wife and daughter. All you can do is take care of yourself and be a form of support for your family.

When I get down, I turn to my kitties and my hubby. I also will choose to pull myself out of it and go running or pour my energy into art. It also helps to vocalize what is bothering you. It "gets it off your chest" so to speak.

All the best to you...

[Don W]

Thanks Fitness, Couldn't help but notice the Pepperell, Mass location. My brother lived in Dunstable for years. He was a Volunteer Fireman for years and I worked with him on the musters, which included Pepperill. I don't have to tell you the time we spent at the Pepperill VFW. And the time, believe it or not, they had me incharge of the Budwiser Beer Truck. I thought I'd died and went to heavan. A truck full of beer and taps all around it. Anyway, i grew up in Westford next door. He passed away about 5 years ago. sadly, he never found the program. For those that think things will change? He died a lonely old man. Had MS but, continued to drink. Spent his last days riding back and forth to that VFW on his scooter. We had to remove all furiture with sharp edges due to his falls. He turned so nasty that nobody wanted anything to do with him. Like i said he had MS and never took care of it. Never accepted why. He chased everyone who loved or tried to love him away. At his wake everyone spoke how they tried and had to give up. Anyway, You've helped remind me how much I have going for me. I'm there for my mother. When drinking that wasn't the case. This is why although I feel bad, the brothers and sisters that aren't there is due to alcohol. The best gift of all she still tells me is hearing my sobriety date is on her birthday. I write this also as a reminder to newcomers and those that are considering going back out and of course myself. I can't see your future but, I've seen what it holds in others. Don't ever think that what I said won't happen. Tommoro, when I'm feeding my Mom her lunch, I'll remember, Fitness, how lucky I am thanks to you.

[Ann]

Originally Posted by Don W

I'm there for my mother. When drinking that wasn't the case. This is why although I feel bad, the brothers and sisters that aren't there is due to alcohol. The best gift of all she still tells me is hearing my sobriety date is on her birthday. ... Tommoro, when I'm feeding my Mom her lunch, I'll remember,

Don, that is so sweet, and indeed the best gift you ever gave her was your sobriety, the fact it was on her birthday was just a bonus.

[Alera]

When I want to isolate I know I'm heading for a relapse. It is one of my personal big red flags. I make myself post here and go out with others. Otherwise I'm "cruising for a bruising".

As for DisneyWorld, I know exactly what you mean, but then again I've been known to drive down to Disneyland simply to study in front of the Haunted Mansion

[Don W]

Would you believe it? I was so out of tune, I'd didn't realize it until about 6 monthjs sober. My sistwer asked me the date of my sobriety. When I told her May 14th, she said, Don, that's Mom's birthday. I'd like to claim it was planned but, only a coincidence. Or was it? I guess only God knows. Come to think of it, that's fine also.