A Journey to Self Love

[Phinneas]

I give up! I really, really do. No, not recovery - I am proud to be at a year clean and sober (Oct. 17th!!). It’s this self love thing. Ya know? I give up… I give up sitting back and wringing my hands in despair waiting for a bolt of self love to come down from above and strike me. I am struggling and I have been for months... well, my whole life, actually. I realized recently that self love is an action. Wow! Imagine that!

As long as I can remember, I have felt "less than." I have felt unworthy all of my life. My disease, I think, just magnifies the self loathing inside of me.

So, back to self love being an action… No one can love me enough for me to magically start loving myself. No one is going to take care of me. So, in a way I feel like I woke up to this realization - that no one is going to take care of me and love me and heal me, but me. So, it’s time to get busy. It’s time to stop sitting in the problem and start living the solution.

So, does anyone want to walk this jouney to self love, self esteem and self confidence with me? I commit to posting here regularly about my journey - the thoughts and actions I will take each day to be kinder, more gentle and loving with myself. Your thoughts and comments about what you struggle with or what works for you would be very much appreciated. Fellow addicts and alcoholics and friends from the Anon side are welcome. Male or female, I suspect we all share this issue to one degree or another.



phinny

[Dan]

I'm in.

[Millwallj]

count me in.

I started loving myself when I realised that there was nothing i needed changing.

[splendra]

I like to change my "I am" statements if they needed it. I listen to what I say about myself to myself and to others about myself too.

No more affirming statements that say: I am...stupid, awful, terrible, ugly, dumb, idiotic, ect..ect...anytime I hear these kinds of "I am" statments in my mind or coming out of my mouth I hit the delete button. I have found whole programs in my mind that needed deleting. It doesn't really matter how they got there so much as that it is taking me from me keeping me from have the kinds of relationships I want and need. If I treat myself badly then others will think it is also ok to look down at me too and treat me like I do. The moment I decided that I felt good about me was very enlightening and changed so many things in my life...

This is a turn around of the "golden rule" that I worked out in my head.....

Others will do unto me as I do unto myself....

[unspun]

My sponser told me to stand in front of the mirror EVERY day and say, "I Love You"
This has been part of my routine for some years now.

So here I go. There's the mirror, I'm looking at myself, "I LOVE YOU"

after doing this for a while, I started to believe, and now I do

[Gabe]

Two words...
positive affirmations.
It's a great way to reverse all of those negative tapes that play in our heads.
And if we taught ourselves to think negative thoughts, we can teach ourselves to think positive ones.
Keep in mind that this takes some work, as it falls under the "old dog, new tricks" heading.
And you can't just say positive things about yourself, you have to believe them.
There is a beautiful, loveable, being of light in all of us.
That being shines when we start believing in it's power.
Good post Phinneas.

[Hopefloats]

I will share too. I was blessed with feeling good about who I am. I really thank my parents for that. But during relationships and verbal abuse and my daughter's addiction, some things came forth. I questioned "me" so often, and I know the feeling of feeling very, very lost. No matter how we lost our sense of self, or self-esteem, we can regain it back. I call that an "inside job" too.

Each and every day I do the positive affirmations and with that I take something, be it one thing and I put that into action. I have to behave as I think.

I will be back to post more on this...this is an awesome thread.
Thank you!
Hopefloats

[Phinneas]

Originally Posted by splendra

No more affirming statements that say: I am...stupid, awful, terrible, ugly, dumb, idiotic, ect..ect...anytime I hear these kinds of "I am" statments in my mind or coming out of my mouth I hit the delete button.

Precisely! These are exactly the things I am talking about in terms of changing the ways I think about myself and the actions I take. Splendra and Gabe mention affirmations. These are hugely important. I find that when I interrupt the spiraling negative chatter in my mind with positive, I am and I can statements, my whole attitude and outlook on life changes. (couldn't resist that reference!)

And, unspun, I agree that mirror work makes a big difference. I resisted it for years, but now am willing to do it. I like the Louise Hay phrase - "I love you, (insert name). I really, really love you." I do this every time I am in the bathroom when I wash my hands. But this is something that must be done daily over time in order to really take effect in terms of core beliefs.

Thanks Dan and Mill and Hope. Self love may be an individual thing, but like recovery, it is a road that we can walk together.

hugs,

phinny

[Phinneas]

I decided to brainstorm on small ways I can think and act more loving toward myself. Here's what I came up with for starters:

Get plenty of rest
Hot tea and a good book
Give it to god – my worries, stresses, fears, the hows, etc.
Mirror work – I love you, phinny. I really, really love you.
Do not put sugar or unhealthy foods or drugs into my body
Turn my judge into a cheerleader
Stand up for myself – treat myself with respect
Accept myself NOW – who and what I am, how I look
Pray for myself
Get honest – with myself, god and others
Buy myself presents, just because – perfume, bath salts, Oprah mag
Be gentle and patient with myself
Make friends with my body – listen and honor it
Don’t wait – tanning, massage, nails, toes, fabulous shoes
Read loving, spiritual books before bed
Take walks with the moon
Talk to the trees
Do not withhold approval or affection – lavish it on myself now
Do the healing work – I am worth it
Have nurture time before bed – hot bath, soft music, candles, soup
Get a massage
Play!
Ask, “What is the most loving thing I can do for myself now?”

Anyone else want to add their ideas?

hugs,

phinny

[Chance]

((((((Phinneas))))))))

You guys have loved me when I couldn't love me or anyone else, so today I love me and I can love you until you can love yourself.

Love Vic

[Gabe]

Originally Posted by Phinneas

Do not put sugar or unhealthy foods or drugs into my body

Whoa, hold it.
No can do.
No sugar would mean no chocolate.
I'm cool with the rest of the list, especially talking to the trees.

[Anna]

Ha ha, I have to agree with Gabe. There can be no life without chocolate!!

Phinny, this is a great idea and I'd love to join in. Self-love is so hard sometimes and I often fall short. This thread will inspire me.

[In memory of miracle]

I am not crazy about myself all the time ,but I have come a long way. It started with doing esteemable things #1 was getting clean and working on that a day at a time. I learned how to be alone and even like it. I don't haveto base my worth on a relationship, and I have learned to make better choice's for myself,when it's time to have one.I have a relationship with HP and nature and I know HP loves me.What else do I need? I have good friends who love me,I have my children back and I have the 12 steps,it's been a remarkable journey,back to love. When I fill the void with spirit,I cant go wrong.Bless, Trish

( Of course this is on a good day)

[Gabe]

Trish, I love that phrase..."esteemable things".
The world could do with a whole lot more of those.

[hopealwayz]

I am definitely along for the journey.

[Ann]

Save me a seat because I'm in. I was surprised to read what you wrote, Phinny, because to me you are one of the most lovable people I have met here. But I know that doesn't cut it until you feel it for yourself.

It took me until my mid 40's before I even knew who I was, let alone that I was indeed lovable. I was no longer a reflection of all the people in my life...my mother's daughter, my husband's wife, my employer's employee...I was that stranger I called me. I kind of grew on me over time, and am still working on being kind to myself, that's the hard part, not beating myself up.

Hugs
Ann

[nutz]

Kinda like U made a full circle, but it's in upward or growth.

Amazing things happens when you give up figthing sometimes.
%%$@ it...I give up !!!.lol (serenity preyer....short form version.lol)
Take my will and my life and show me how to live...u remember?
Answers , brain fart, rude awaken..kinda just lands on your lap..don't it?

Oh you know me...I write music for JZ all the time.
Music comes from the pureness of one's soul...some say.
I belive, most if not of my music is inspired by JZ in form or another.
One of them it call JOY.....J for just becuase.lol
It's an expersion of what JZ is to me...an angle of JOY, I feel it everytime
I think of JZ. Sometimes I feel it just becuase...I guess.
Plenty of love, that much I know.
I guess it needs re directing sometimes.

It's been a Journey.
I remember the first time I draged Micheal out bed after spending
a couple of weeks in bed. I basically had given up on everything.
For some stupid reason it just happened that way.
I remember bathing Michael with the gentelness and care like he
was my child and not like I was in a rush to get somewhere.
I also remember micheal was sad from all the years of neglect.
I remember micheal was cring from being nailed to the wall all the time.
I remember micheal being scared from all the critisims,judgements, punishments. I promised micheal from that day forward, that no mattter
what happened, I would always love him. I tried to stop beating up on him
and I deffernently took him off the wall. As days and weeks went by,
I got to know micheal. I didn't know who he was or had totally forgetten
about him. Micheal loves music, loves aviations, love Ice cream, loves
nature, loves god, loves friend,loves to luagh, love mechanical things,
loves to read books, loves to play. Michael is a happy go luckie kid.
He also has a thing about number of 5s.
I told michael as long as live, I would do everything in my power to make
his dreams come true. It's an amend that might take an entire life time.

[Phinneas]

Originally Posted by miraclen2003

It started with doing esteemable things....

Yup, Gabe. I like that, too. I read somewhere once that the way to build self-esteem was to perform "esteemable acts." Like self-esteem, self love isn't going to just happen. I need to act with kindness and integrity toward myself and others.

Oh... and, ah... er... Gabe? Gee, I thought she'd zero in on the part of my list about fabulous shoes! But, nooooo... what does she do? She goes for the CHOCOLATE!

Originally Posted by Ann

Save me a seat because I'm in. I was surprised to read what you wrote, Phinny, because to me you are one of the most lovable people I have met here. But I know that doesn't cut it until you feel it for yourself.

Bless you, dear. That made me feel good.

Originally Posted by Nutz

It's an amend that might take an entire life time.

Long time no see, my friend. You bring up a profound point for me. In recovery we talk a lot about making amends to all those whom we have harmed (and for good reason, too). But there is another amend that I think will bring some healing - making a living amend to myself for all of the harm I did to my body, my mind, my spirit, my life. For all of the judgement, the self loathing and the relentless criticism of who I am and what I did. Maybe, just maybe, I can move closer to love and acceptance by being a little kinder to myself and others.

Also, I think inner child work, or whatever you want to call it, is important. A friend always says that on a good day we are all five years old. On a bad day, we are all five years old having a tantrum.

Thanks to all who are sharing this thread (journey) with me. I am amazed, but not surprised, at the wisdom and compassion here.

hugs,

phinny

[Gabe]

Ahem...
Fabulous shoes did NOT go overlooked.
Ain't no secret that I'm a firm believer in fabulous shoes.

And equally fabulous hosiery to go with.

[Hopefloats]

When I get married, I am going over to Gabe's to shop in her personal "shoe store" I just have too! )

Quote: "On a bad day we are all five year olds having a tantrum".. LOVE THAT!
Hopefloats

[quercusalba]

Hey Phinneas -

I love this idea. There are many times when you've said things that are *so* right on to me... I'm just a little behind you in action and realization. I'm going away to a conference for the next two days (where I have to give a presentation and I'm scared to death about it... yikes...), but I will join in next week.

I've been struggling with the very same thing, trying to figure out how to love myself... waiting for that bolt of self love to come out of the sky, I guess. You're right. Action is what gets to the heart of the matter... action on a consistent, daily basis. I think that my lack of love for myself is at the root of many of my deepest wounds... I've always felt "less than," too.

At any rate.. thank you for this. It's a great idea. And the talking to trees bit? My favorite! I approve!

--anne

[Millwallj]

CBT and CBT and CBT and CBT and CBT. Buy a book on it. practice it. learns it philosiphy.

[quercusalba]

I'm doing my psych. paper on Albert Ellis, so I do believe I'll be getting in a little reading on CBT!

[Millwallj]

Wow Quer! What an intro.

CBT has been amazing for me. Just amazing. It has totally changed my life in many respects.

[Phinneas]

Originally Posted by quercusalba

I think that my lack of love for myself is at the root of many of my deepest wounds... I've always felt "less than," too.

Oh yeah. ((((Anne)))) Good to have you along, my friend.

And, Mill? Do you have some books to recommend on CBT? I am a person who lives in my head. I view and live life from the neck up. I have had good success with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in counceling years ago. However, I feel like that approach glossed over my core issues. I believe that what is needed is a deep, emotional healing. They say that the longest journey is the one from the head to the heart. That is certainly true for me. I guess what I am saying is that today I am willing to do the work of healing the heart. I think more cognitive stuff may keep me trapped in my head.

Good morning, Gabe and Hope. I'm feeling a little down. Maybe some shoe shopping would pick me right up???

hugs,

phinny