Wasn't sure where to post this

[angelgirl]

So I am posting it here. I was going to post in mental health, then I was going to post in WIR, but I wanted to have different views, more views on this.
My husband and I had a terrrible fight yeaterday(argument).
I take meds for my anxiety/depression, I also take suboxone for now, although this will be ending in a few months, and that is for opiate addiction.
I have been through several meds to try to find one that doesn't have many side effects for me. This has been a bit of a struggle. My mom was on medication until she died, for her anxiety/depression. My aunts and grandpa also had the same issues and were/are on medications. I have a long history of these problems in my family.
The fight yesterday was because my husband believes all my problems are because I take medication. It is the meds that are causing my problems. That's what he says. I believe differently, and I am not going to just stop taking my meds.
I suffer from severe anxiety, and it gets in the way of alot that I do. I am afraid of alot of things, and going alot of places because of my panic attacks. I am working on my problems, I go to see a D/A counselor, I attend a dual diagnosis group every week, and i will begin seeing a regular therapist in a couple weeks. I also attend a 12 step group called Celebrate recovery, it's a christian based 12 step group through a church. I am working on these things. But this doesn't change over night. I do understand that my life is a bit affected by these problems, but what more can I do, other than continuing to work on it??
His other problem is that he says all he ever hears from me is Sober recovery this, sober recovery that.. I talk to much about this place, and recovery in general. Well it's my life right ow. I am trying to get my life back in order. I use SR and my other groups to do this. That is about all I have going on right now in my life. Other than standard house work.. I have few friends, and don't do a whole lot with anyone, other than my husbnand, which I also believe is the way he wants my life!!! I believe he is trying to control me alot.
We used to never have that kind of relationship,. He did not control me, he could barely control himself. Now suddenly, he feels he wants to take control of my life. When I told him that he is doing this to me, he said " you haen't done a good jo of controlling your life, so I will". OH MAN did that make me mad. Because of my addiction problems I have had, I can no longer take care of myself,. Plus all these anxiety depression issues I have...
My problems affect him alot less than they affect me. I still go fishing with him, we ride motor cycle as much as possible. The only thing it affects is, I don't like to go to the bar with him, and I do have some trouble doing things with people, if I don't know them well, or if I don't like them.
I am very angry now, and I cn't believe he has been feeling this way about my anxiety affecting him. I told him that I may have anxiety issues all my life, and if he doesn't like it, he knows where the door is, and not to let it hit him in the rear on the way out!!!! That's how I feel. I am very hurt about his feelings.
Thanks for listening, I needed to talk this out.. We got no where in our arguement, and I dont' think we will be able to..
Thanks again, love Becky

[Don W]

Angelgirl, Whatever you do don't stop taking your Meds. Unless of course you talk to your doctor. I made the mistake a month ago of stop taking my Paxil.
I can only blame myself for doing it but, I was under pressure from my wife do to some side effects. First off, I love my wife. Also, I believe in my case, that because of my medication I was able to handle things better and on my own. Because she didn't have the ammunition,I provided for years, to attack and at time belittle me she lost control of me. Now, because of my error, we are both suffering. As bad as we may seam on medication, they forget us before medication. Now I'm stuck. I can't get another appointment at the VA with doctor until Sept. 13th. When put on Paxil, I was walked up the dosage chart to 40mg. The ironic thing is that one side affect that was bothering her was the sexual part. I admit, I could have talked to doctor but, was embarrassed. Anyway, I off, it's ready but, because all we've done is fight-------- well you know. She said the other night, Why don't you hug me? Couldn't tell her but, because I wantto strangle you. The bottom line is your not, your family isn't and your husband isn't a doctor. So don't, and don't get bullied into playing one. Take your meds. Didn't even mention that it takes sometimes a month or so to feel results. So even if put back on in Sept, who knows when I'll start to feel better. Right now, I can only go to meetings, post here and ask for help to deal with some really strong desires to drink and choke everyone around me. I repeat, us off drugs, isn't what some want for us, but for themself. Just my experence, maybe I'm way off the target here. Don W

[angelgirl]

bump

[angelgirl]

Don, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know they just don't understand this whole addiction, metal health, prescribed medication thing. It makes me angry though. I will NOT stop taking my meds. I will point to the door before I do that. I know that sounds harsh, but I need to be on meds. It is what is best for the whole family. He's just tired of the whole entire process or what ever you want to call what I've been through. I know that he has gone through some tough times too with me.
Boy I want to remind him of the terrible years of drinking that he put me through. All the hell I went through when my kids were little. So he was able to stop drinking after years of crap... But now he is drinking again, yes it's only every friday night, but he gets SLOSHED EVERY friday night. Saturdays are crap with him.... He is not happy unless it's friday.. Sad.. I believe he is an alcoholic. He does not.
I think it's easier to look at my problems, than it is his own. But I don't know if I can handle constantly being harassed about my meds. I feel like I am going to have to hide when I take the meds I need... That's not right???
I don't know what will happen here. But I am sick of this crap. If he can't deal with my anxiety issues, well he is just gonna have to walk.. I am working on it, but this is a process, and it doesn't happen over night. My mom had severe anxiety and depression issues until she died.
He has gotten crap at work because he has had to leave work to take me to the ER, and once when I called the ambulance for myself. I had a reaction to a new medication and it was severe. Ya know if I had say,,, diabetes of something, and had an insulin reaction, and had to call the ambulance and he had to leave work, then it would be ok, but because they know my drug abuse history, because of all my hospital trips (detox and treatment) it's not OK that it has to deal with that, and anxiety. They all talk about me where he works. I feel sorry for him, but it hurts me too. They can all stick it for all I care. I can not defend myself against any of them, because first I don't work there to be able to do it, secondly, it is NONE of their business what problems I have. No one but the boss should know anyway. But you know how word travels...
Somedays I just don't feel like I can do this anymore. I am trying really hard, and now I have to take crap about my anxiety and my meds. Man, it is too much!!!
He even told me he's rather I'd be using than this!!!! Because I was a bit more "normal" when taking pain meds... They helped my anxiety and my shyness...
So that's what he is thinking of, not the hell I went through, and the sickness they eventually caused me, and the numb person I was.
He is also getrtting sick of my memory problems. He told me to go see a doctor and get my memory back. Like get hypnotised. Yeah, like thats going to get my memeory back..
It just makes me feel really low and stuipid...
Well, sorry again Don, I hope your meds kick in faster than a month. Mine usually seem to.. Until then, spit all that anger out here at SR.. We care, and understand..

Love, Becky

[best]

Hello Becky

Without being there in person and seeing just how he acts or what he says...
The only thing I can think of is this...
His opinion is based on feelings without facts. What he says is caused by feelings and the words don't match up with the truth. A reaction rather then a conversation.
Try your best to understand that his words (though they hurt at times) are just that...words.
Don't let his ignorance of the facts pull down your day. Like water off a duck's back...let his words slide away.

[angelgirl]

Thanks best, I am certainly trying. It is very difficult though. He is in my face about it toooo much. He knows the truth. He has met with my drug counselor in the past (other times when I was clean) and they have told him to lay off, I need the meds. Well they didn't say it in those words, but that is waht they said..
Maybe it's just something to harass me about. I just don't now, it is hurtful though.
The other thing that bothers me is why does he feel it necessary to come home from work and tell me what those jerks he works with have said about me?? I never go out of my way to hurt ANYONE, let alone him????
I don't know, I think I just have had it.. It will get better, so will my additude. I am just tired of it all right now..

I love ya best, Becky