Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > All About Recovery > What is Recovery?
Forgot Password? Join Us!
Register Blogs FAQ Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read Chat Room [6]


Welcome to the Sober Recovery Community

Already registered? Login above ---^
OR
To take advantage of all Posting, Chatting, Gaming, and all the features available at SoberRecovery, join the over 100,000 current members, and become a member of our supportive community today! Ads will no longer appear on the forums, once you register.



Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 07-02-2005, 03:54 PM   #1 (permalink)
To Life!
 
historyteach's Avatar
 

Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,299
Lightbulb 10 Steps to Letting Go of Resentment

"Resentment is a mental process. With resentment, we repeatedly replay a feeling, and the events leading up to that feeling, that angers us.... With resentment, we reexperience and relive events in ways that affect us mentally, emotionally, physiologically and spiritually in destructive ways.

...What causes the unhappiness that underlies resentment?
a) What we feel people did to us that was unnecessarily mean, hurtful, and thoughtless
b) What people in our lives did not do for us that we feel they should have done
c) When we feel the people in our lives have not done enough for us

Holding resentments is choice. A choice to refuse to forgive; and unwillingness to let bygones be bygones.... We cling to a futile need to be right, which overrides the capacity to be at peace....usually because we don't know any other way to come to grips with the painful feelings of hurt, rejection, and abandonment."

With that introduction to what resentment is, what is the underlying cause, and why we hold onto them, here are the 10 Steps to letting go of resentment.

"1. Approach resentment as the addictive state of mind it is.
2. Realize that you are using resentment to replicate your family drama and maintain a connection with those dramas, a necessary acknowledgment before you can let them go.
3. Examine how your resentment may come from mentally confusing people in your present life with people in your past.
4. Acknowledge that you cannot control those who have rejected you.
5. Recognize that your resentment give you only illusions of strength. Instead, highlight and validate your real strength and power.
6. Learn to identify the signals that provoke resentment.
7. Practice cognitive behavoiral techniques to stop indulging in resentment. Put a thought between your feelings of resentment and indulging in ruminating about them.
8. Acknowledge your part in allowing the abuse to occur, forgive yourself for that, and make a decision to not let it occur again.
9. Declare an amnesty - with your family and with yourself.
10. Forgive when you can, and practice willful and deliberate forgetfulness when you cannot, keeping in mind that these acts are gifts to yourself rather than capitulation to those whom you resent."

Gratefully taken from Healing from Family Rifts, by Mark Sichel, (our very own "Ask the Experts" Mod)

I found these defininitions, causes and corrective means to be eye opening and helpful. Resentments are problamatic for the addict and the codie, causing relapsing behavior in both.
Knowledge is the key to problem solving. If you're dealing with resentments, perhaps this will help.
Shalom!
__________________


IMAGINE
historyteach is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following 23 Users Say Thank You to historyteach For This Useful Post:
23missb (04-23-2013), 44556677 (09-10-2013), Acheleus (07-15-2013), aoibhe (09-25-2011), Artful (07-30-2013), BeautifulDisatr (10-14-2013), CAgirl9 (03-18-2013), courtneykay (08-06-2013), gaffo (03-20-2013), Granmarie (04-29-2013), Helpme2day (09-04-2013), honeypig (03-20-2013), hope22 (07-14-2013), irisgardens (05-05-2013), JBird100 (03-24-2013), meoaks (03-21-2013), MsJax (07-14-2013), Olive1 (08-07-2013), quitforme79 (07-22-2013), Saneinsight (09-22-2013), songbird73 (04-09-2013), Threshold (07-22-2013), Tisa (07-30-2013)
Old 07-02-2005, 03:58 PM   #2 (permalink)
Ann
Member
 
Ann's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 35,977
Thanks Teach. I need the reminder to let go of resentments, and also to recognize my own part in some of them. Forgiveness isn't always easy, but in the end it's the only way I find peace.

Hugs
Ann
__________________
A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song. ~Maya Angelou

Ann is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Ann For This Useful Post:
44556677 (09-10-2013), irisgardens (05-05-2013)
Old 07-02-2005, 04:11 PM   #3 (permalink)
To Life!
 
historyteach's Avatar
 

Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,299
Ann, this hits me right between the eyes, every time I read it:

"We cling to a futile need to be right, which overrides the capacity to be at peace...."

Today, I'd rather be at peace....I don't need the futility of expecting others to acknowledge I'm right. I was serenity.

And yes, forgiveness is key. But, as Mark points out, (and this is something I was unaware of), we can also practice "willfull and deliberate forgetfullness."
There are rare occassions, when the hurt perpetuated is so great, that one cannot forgive. (I have never experienced anything that horrible, thank G*D!) But, we CAN give ourselves this gift. We can choose to purposefully forget what it was.
We can choose peace.

Oh, yea. And it is difficult to acknowledge our own part in the problem leading to resentment. That darned Step 4!!! But, it's funny how, when I recognized MY part in the resentment I had towards my ex...well...the resentment did loose it's power. We can't *unknow* what we know; even if it's my issue causing problems.
We can grow from it though.
Shalom!
__________________


IMAGINE
historyteach is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to historyteach For This Useful Post:
BEAUTIFULIFE (03-19-2013)
Old 07-02-2005, 05:13 PM   #4 (permalink)
Ann
Member
 
Ann's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 35,977
The resentments I have trouble letting go of are the ones where I had no part, the ones that hurt me when I wasn't even looking. Those are the ones that I take my lesson from and try to be grateful for what I learned, then let the rest of it go.

They can be sneaky though. Sometimes I'm not even aware of resenting something until I get that niggling twitch every time a person or situation is brought up and then I know that there is something there that I need to tend to, usually a well-disguised resentment. These ones catch me by surprise.

Hugs
Ann
__________________
A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song. ~Maya Angelou

Ann is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Ann For This Useful Post:
Artful (08-07-2013), honeypig (03-20-2013), JBird100 (03-24-2013)
Old 07-02-2005, 10:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
I bite.
 

Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: USA
Posts: 498
I related to this. I am saving this so I can read it later when I need it.
Grimnar is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 07-03-2005, 01:56 AM   #6 (permalink)
Community Greeter
 
indigo's Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Mid-Life Express
Posts: 9,928
This one really connected with how I am feeling today Teach for this I thank you.

Love Annie
__________________
When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." Namasté
indigo is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 03-18-2013, 06:52 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 95
Just found this thread when I Googled "how to let go of resentment".
I realized today that I'm holding onto A LOT of resentment and I've been waiting for RAH to make amends so I can let go of the pain and feel better. It just hit me today that I can let go of the resentment myself - I don't need to wait for RAH to make amends and that he may never make amends.
Number 5 & 8 really spoke to me. I've done a lot of reading on forgiving but for some reason I've been having a tough time letting go of the pain from RAH.
Just wanted to share this thread and that the light bulb went on for me today!!
CAgirl9 is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to CAgirl9 For This Useful Post:
pgreen6840 (07-14-2013), pravchaw (03-19-2013)
Old 03-21-2013, 08:24 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
kinix's Avatar
 

Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Bangalore
Posts: 11
The thing about recovery is to catch the thought without reacting to it. The more clean time I have the better I get at it. Good traing for present moment living.
kinix is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to kinix For This Useful Post:
Acheleus (07-15-2013), JBird100 (03-24-2013), Saneinsight (09-22-2013)
Old 03-21-2013, 08:54 AM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,211
This list leaves out the biggest step to ending resentment---ACTION!!!

Doing something about that thing you hold resentment about, transforms that festering feeling of powerlessness and hurt.

Forgetting a resentment...I am not sure that that works. Isn't that what a lot of addicts try to do with their drinking and drugging...are we not often trying to bury a resentment?

I just know that when I have spoken to people about the resentments I held against them, the bad feeling evaporated and we bonded.

When I reported a professional that I held a resentment about to the licensing board, it launched an investigation that showed my issue was just the tip of the iceberg.

Sunshine is the best disinfectant.
miamifella is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to miamifella For This Useful Post:
Gottalife (04-18-2013), mstrust (04-13-2013), songbird73 (04-09-2013)
Old 04-16-2013, 01:05 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: TOPEKA
Posts: 1
Today I googled resentments in recovery and found this. I am very glad I did. I also copied it all down in my notebook because that's what helps to get something in my head. I can relate to this very much. Thanks
misslauren is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to misslauren For This Useful Post:
Artful (08-01-2013)
Old 07-14-2013, 03:42 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
pgreen6840's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: chicago, il
Posts: 4
I also joined today and needed to hear this. What I always reflect on when I go into my resentment zone is " Having resentments is like drinking poison and wanting the other person to suffer "........ I CHOOSE to let go as I do not want to poison my recovery !
pgreen6840 is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to pgreen6840 For This Useful Post:
Artful (08-02-2013), MsJax (07-14-2013)
Old 07-14-2013, 03:57 PM   #12 (permalink)
Forum Moderator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Strailya
Posts: 92,898
Blog Entries: 1
welcome to SR pgreen

D
__________________


thanks to member Northof49 for my SR avatar.
Dee74 is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 07-22-2013, 12:38 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
quitforme79's Avatar
 

Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,703
This really helped me today!
__________________
The key to my recovery- Surrender to my alcoholism, turn my will over to God, expect nothing and accept reality.

“When you quit drinking you stop waiting.”
I stopped waiting on 11/13/2012.
quitforme79 is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 07-22-2013, 12:41 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,729
Blog Entries: 22
Great Post Thanks

Boundaries important to set boundaries.
deeker is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 08-01-2013, 05:20 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Artful's Avatar
 

Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Boston Mass
Posts: 64
Thank you again historyteach.
This is a huge problem for me. I just made a year sober from my drugs of choice and am
realizing it's just another day living smarter. I too will copy this in my notebook.
Artful is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 08-02-2013, 10:21 AM   #16 (permalink)
Member
 
Artful's Avatar
 

Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Boston Mass
Posts: 64
Cool Resentments are addictive?!


This is exactly the behavior I must address. Living loaded I never
even would have noticed.....
I too will write this down and reread it.
Peace
Artful
Artful is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 08-06-2013, 08:28 PM   #17 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: North Texas
Posts: 24
Wow, this has been an eye opener for me. Going to copy and print it and really work on this. Thanks.
Lindafisk is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 08-06-2013, 08:32 PM   #18 (permalink)
Member
 
courtneykay's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Everywhere
Posts: 47
Blog Entries: 2
This is awesome. I can relate to this SO much right now. I am ready to let go of resentment. Thank you so much for sharing.
__________________
“Nothing can dim the light which shines from within.”
courtneykay is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 08-06-2013, 10:27 PM   #19 (permalink)
Member
 
stacia lives's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: The Big Easy
Posts: 115
Thank you for sharing! I too will be copying this as a reminder.

This really helps me realize I hold alot of resentment & perpetual victimization. It leads me to anger which I hold in & I used alcohol to numb my feelings & hold down the anger I was so worried would come out.
__________________
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
stacia lives is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to stacia lives For This Useful Post:
Artful (08-07-2013)
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:52 PM.


 
National Drug and Alcohol Treatment Centers
 
Drug Rehab | Best Treatment Center | Detox Center | Residential Treatment Center
Cocaine/Crack Treatment | Alcohol Rehab | Heroin/Oxycontin Treatment Center | Crystal Meth Treatment | Marijuana Treatment | Methadone Treatment | Suboxone Treatment
 
Local Treatment Resources and Events
 
Alabama | Alaska | Arizona | Arkansas | California | Colorado | Connecticut | DC | Delaware
Florida | Georgia | Hawaii | Idaho | Illinois | Indiana | Iowa | Kansas | Kentucky | Louisiana | Maine
Maryland | Massachusetts | Michigan | Minnesota | Mississippi | Missouri | Montana | Nebraska | Nevada | New Hampshire
New Jersey | New Mexico | New York | North Carolina | North Dakota | Ohio | Oklahoma | Oregon | Pennsylvania | Rhode Island
South Carolina | South Dakota | Tennesee | Texas | Utah | Vermont | Virginia | Washington | West Virginia | Wisconsin | Wyoming

© 2013 Internet Brands. | Privacy Policy | Terms of Use | Health Disclaimer
A proud member of the SoberRecovery® Network of Addiction and Recovery Websites