I'm In Trouble...

[mishelly]

69 days into sobriety and it seems my world is falling apart....again. Might seem kinda silly to some, but this downhill slide started last Friday night with some group member-bashing...then Tuesday night my mother's ring broke...yesterday I got called into payroll and they informed me my wages are going to be garnished (two garnishments now, total of 20% of my bi-weekly pay) and I can't keep up with the bills as it is. How can I take care of myself and my son on a little over 1100.00 / month??? Car payments, rent, insurance...and THEN...last night I got a phone call from a friend to let me know that my second ex has moved back to the area from Arkansas. SHOCKER!!! I owe that man one of the hugest amends on my list...and he has found some of my old stuff and wants to return it to me, although I probably won't see him face to face. And just a few minutes ago, I noticed that I have a tire going flat on my truck...they're old and crappy and I can't afford new ones. IT'S ALL SO OVERWHELMING!!!

Now, I know that most of this is of my own doing. One of the garnishments is for a hospital bill from five years ago when my youngest son decided that jumping on a moving train was a good idea...the other is a car loan from a second-chance lot I was advised not to go to because of their reputation...but I did it anyway.

I'm struggling right now, BIG TIME...I've got the f*ck it's real bad and my mind keeps turning to thoughts of drinking...smoking...MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY thoughts... I feel depression setting in and though I'm fighting it, I fear I may lose the battle...

Sorry to ramble...

[Fire_Wind_Rain]

Take a deep breath. 69 days hon. 69 days. Remind yourself how hard it is to go through that very first day clean and sober all over again. If you have to, all day today, keep tabs on your time. "I have 69 days, 5 hours, and 2 minutes." Each second you take a breath, you have more time under your belt.

You can't do anything about Friday night's bashing. Tell yourself you need to move forward and take care of yourself just for today.

As for the money issue, when I don't think I can find anywhere else to cut back, I cut back anyway. Remind yourself if you can't cut back sober, you sure as hell can't cut back drinking and drugging, and the mountain of debt will just rise in your mental absence. While raw and painful, at least you're coherent to deal with it now. When I was a single parent, I survived on about that much money a month. Yes it's hard, but you can't just lay down and die if you have a child. KWIM?

You can't currently do anything about your Mom's ring. Put it somewhere safe until you can have it fixed, and put it on the lower side of your priority list.

Take your tire to Discount Tire if you have it in your area, or some other reputable tire place, and ask them if they will fix your flat for free. My Discount tire out here does. Or, get a can of Fix a Flat from the car parts store and see if that holds you over. Or, look into seeing if you can get a used tire for like $20. Or try Freecycle.com and see if they have a group in your area.

As for your ex, if you focus on him, you can't focus on yourself. Get a mental image of him in your head, and say, "I'm sorry, but I'll have to put you aside for right now as much as I want to think about you." Don't deal with it unless he knocks on your front door.

Best foot forward, write down your priority list. Only the most important possibly life altering events at the top of the list. All the other things set aside to obsess about when you have more time and energy. Good luck.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

The most important thing to do is not use!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't use if, my @SS is falling off.


Welcome to the life of sobriety.

My signature says it all. Do what's necessary, first then, do the next right thing.

AA teaches us to be responsible. Getting drunk and high will not solve a thing!!!!

Staying sober will

F- ace
E- verything
A- nd
R- ecover

As long as you're doing the right thing, you never have to worry about facing fear again!!!

[Dan]

Originally Posted by mishelly

IT'S ALL SO OVERWHELMING!!!

I know...

Now, what do you need to know about what's on the other side of the f*ck its that you don't remember?
I got the latest version ready to install for ya

Clicky clicky on my username if you wanna yap.

[lulu70]

You have already received some good advice. I would just add that at this time it is especially important to remember to take it one day at a time--or one task at a time, as the case may be. You can't do anything about the member-bashing now--it is in the past. As far as the money situation goes, I can completely relate. I am the single-mom of a 9-year-old with Cerebral Palsy and I got laid off at the end of the month last month. Have you thought about applying for temporary assistance, like food stamps? You would probably qualify for some help. Even if you don't, have faith, and things will work out.

Take a big, deep breath. You are okay today. You have a home, a job, and most importantly, you have your sobriety. Every thing else will work out--I promise.

Hugs--

[tyler]

I have nothing to add here, shocking as that may be to those who know me!! Just wanted to send some dancing banannas your way to cheer you up!!

[quercusalba]

Hi Mishelly...

Lots of great advice here. I don't have much to add either, other than to say that nothing is so bad that drinking/using won't make it worse. Other than that... I echo what everyone else had to say - there's a lot of real, practical advice here.

You can do this. 69 days is so fantastic!

pulling for you,
anne

[mishelly]

Originally Posted by lulu70

Have you thought about applying for temporary assistance, like food stamps? You would probably qualify for some help. Even if you don't, have faith, and things will work out.

Help??? They just kicked my son off Medicaid two months ago, nothing too serious, he just has ADHD and ODD...as a result I can no longer afford his medication. And I checked into low-income housing...they wanted more from me for a rinky-dink two bedroom apartment than I'm paying for rent right now.

Originally Posted by lulu70

Take a big, deep breath. You are okay today. You have a home, a job, and most importantly, you have your sobriety. Every thing else will work out--I promise.

Home...here it is June 30th, still haven't paid June rent (haven't had it) and July will be due tomorrow...can't imagine I'll have a home much longer...

Crap...I know I'm just on a huge pity-pot and I'm really trying to find a bright spot, and I do keep telling myself, at least you're clean/sober, but right now, that just doesn't seem to be enough...feeling your feelings sucks. I suppose feeling depressed is better than using though...

[Dan]

Originally Posted by mishelly

I suppose feeling depressed is better than using though...

Mmmm... Which is the worst of two evils?
For what it's worth Mish, I just made rent by the skin of my teeth this month. Not so much because I went back out, but because I'm still having a hard time finding full time employment.
Financial hardship is perhaps one of the most cruel circumstances we can encounter as recovering people. It's so easy to fall in to a mode of awfulizing, which quickly leads us to emotional places we are seldom ready for, especially in early recovery.
All I know is that if you keep talking about it, you're going to feel better. And suggestions and solutions, however temporary, have a way of popping up as you invite people in to share your burden.
It's how it works, eh...

[quercusalba]

Feeling depressed and overwhelmed really sucks... it's terrible. And I'm sure having a child depending on you makes things even more overwhelming. You're absolutely right, though - using is worse than being depressed. Way worse. In fact, it adds to existing depression and will cause you to be even more overwhelmed - I know you know these things. My heart goes out to you...

Taking a deep breath and trying to see beauty in the little things always helps me. Then, start dealing with one thing at a time. Don't try to tackle everything at once, you'll just end up flailing around. Make a list of priorities and start at the top. Can you speak with your landlord about the rent situation? The freecycle.com idea was good; I also use http://www.stretcher.com/ - especially the archived topics - to help me save money. It really is amazing what you can save when you really try hard.

I very much sympathize with you. You have learned so much in this 69 days - hold on to those things. Also... try to take a little time for yourself each day, even if it's only five minutes. I know that can be a challenge, but you really need to take care of *you* right now.

wishing you the best,
anne

[Paulie]

Yes sometimes feeling your feelings suck, but right now you have a choice to make. You pick up and use or drink and how does that make things better? If you can tell me how that will make any of the things in your life better than go ahead and do it. But remember that just not feeling or forgetting for 24 hours does NOT make it better. And your son, how is you picking up gonna help him at all?

Right now things are bad, okay, no one ever said that we get clean and live on a pink cloud the rest of our lives, but today you have options, today you are sober.

The wreckage from out past can completly suck after we get clean but once it is done it is done. And today we wake up each day and we dont' create more wreckage, that is a gift.

Keep doing the next right thing....sometimes that is all we can do.

[Dan]

What Paulie said, Mish.

[Fire_Wind_Rain]

From the first time you posted to the next time you posted, you added 179 minutes onto your 69 days. Sometimes it has to just be that simple.

[mishelly]

Ok...69 days, 16 hours, and 26 minutes...thanks for your replies, it is helping. In reality, the way I see it, I have two choices...quit whining, grab the ol' bootstraps...AGAIN...and pick myself up off the floor...or pick up a drink/drug to cope. Since the last option is REALLY NOT AN OPTION for me today, I guess I know what I have to do...

Maybe the landlord has one of his other homes available at a lower rent amount...I could try harder to find a job closer to home, I'll lose some salary, but I won't be spending 100.00+/ week in gas...I could look into filing bankruptcy to get out from under the garnishments...I guess there are options...still feeling blue, but the urge to use has passed...for now. Chanting the serenity prayer and "thy will be done" over and over has a calming effect ya know??? :shysmile:

Fire...KWIM???

[Time2Surrender]

Originally Posted by mishelly

I'm struggling right now, BIG TIME...I've got the f*ck it's real bad and my mind keeps turning to thoughts of drinking...smoking...MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY thoughts... I feel depression setting in and though I'm fighting it, I fear I may lose the battle...

Sorry to ramble...

No need to appologize.This board is for rambling,venting and whatever you need to do to stay clean another day.Congrats on 69 days.Hang in there.Hard times will come and go.Getting loaded will not make your problems go away.

[Paulie]

I guess there are options

No guessing....today we DO have options.

I am so glad that urge has passed, just take it one day at a time. And we are always here to talk to down, that is what keeps up sober to.

Sending a hug to you!

[riverfisher]

mishelly
I can understand were you are coming from. We make a total mess of our lives and it will not get better overnight. I'm still struggling with the wreckage of my past with 17 yrs clean.I owe the irs 140,000.In pa. they cann't garnish your wages if it will put you in finacial hardship.Also there is a statute of limitations on depts.See if you can find a lawyer in recovery in your state who can give you some advise.
When I was early in recovery And found life overwellming I turned to music for a little peace. Try listening to Peter Gabrials song Don't Give Up off the So album.

[Fire_Wind_Rain]

Fire...KWIM???

*Know what I mean* In just a matter of mere hours or minutes, you'll be into 70 days. Good job.

[mishelly]

Originally Posted by Fire_Wind_Rain

*Know what I mean* In just a matter of mere hours or minutes, you'll be into 70 days. Good job.

Oh, well duh...

Thanks for your words all...I did manage to get the light bill and my truck payment made yesterday, so those items are taken care of...one thing at a time.

[lulu70]

Originally Posted by mishelly

Thanks for your words all...I did manage to get the light bill and my truck payment made yesterday, so those items are taken care of...one thing at a time.

((((((((((((((((mishelly))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry if my post just upset you more. I know what you mean about the medicaid--I worry about my daughter getting kicked off all the time. I guess the main thing I was trying to get across is what you have already figured out......there are options, and we just have to meet adversity one thing at a time. I truly only meant well!

Hugs--

[Paulie]

Mishelly -

Yep one thing at a time. We are with you!!

[mishelly]

Originally Posted by lulu70

((((((((((((((((mishelly))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry if my post just upset you more. I know what you mean about the medicaid--I worry about my daughter getting kicked off all the time. I guess the main thing I was trying to get across is what you have already figured out......there are options, and we just have to meet adversity one thing at a time. I truly only meant well!

Hugs--

NO, NO, NO...you did not upset me in the least...I AM upset with the way the Medicaid and Family Service systems work...you know, you gotta be practically living on the street with no job for them to help you...at least that's how it is in Missouri. Heck, I've been trying to get child support through CSE for YEARS and still receive NOTHING. Seems the folks that ARE trying to support themselves, just having a hard time doing it, can get NO help whatsoever. Ok, now that I'm done with the about the "system", I know it is one of those things that fall under the category of "things I cannot change".

Back to your post Lulu...it actually had the opposite effect...instead of upsetting me, I ended up thinking, sheesh, here you are whining and look at what she's dealing with...I actually owe you a big thank you for the reality check!