My husband is an addict....questions for others who have been there...

[Anxious]

Hi. My name is Dawn. My husband is an addict, and his DOC is cocaine. He put himself through re-hab about 3 years ago (right before we met). Actually, we started dating shortly after he was out of rehab. We have been married 3 years and I found out he has been "periodically" using for most of our marriage with people that I know and trust (my brother being one of them). Anyway, when I found out, I left him. My initial reaction was divorce. However, I did find this site and have since learned a great deal about the disease of addiction. (I am very naive when it comes to this area). I am a teacher, so research is my thing...and it has helped so much. My AH found an old friend who has been clean for 2 years and this friend was immediately willing to help him. He attended his first meeting last Sunday and has attended a different meeting every night since then. I have seen him a couple of times (we have a 2 year old daughter and I want her to see her daddy as much as possible). He wants me to attend an "open" meeting with him this weekend. I am nervous and don't know if I should or not. I wonder if he is sincere in wanting to sober up or if this is just a dog and pony show to try to get me back. I have made a decision to NOT MAKE A DECISION for 6 months. I am fortunate to have very supportive parents, who have taken my daughter and I in until I make a final decision. I guess my question is for anyone who has overcome addiction or who is trying to do so. Is it even possible for someone who is strongly addicted to cocaine (or anything for that matter) to STAY sober??? ...and what does it take? How can I be as supportive as possible with his intentions to clean up without enabling him? I want him to know that I still love and care for him, but I do NOT want him to think that everything is "fine", when it clearly isn't. I have experienced a lot of anger and hurt, but now, I mostly just feel sad for him and his problem. I cannot stay married to someone when I can't trust their words.....is it ever possible to trust the word of someone who has lied so much to cover up an addiciton?

[simply sober]

Originally Posted by Anxious

He wants me to attend an "open" meeting with him this weekend. I am nervous and don't know if I should or not. I wonder if he is sincere in wanting to sober up or if this is just a dog and pony show to try to get me back. I have made a decision to NOT MAKE A DECISION for 6 months. I am fortunate to have very supportive parents, who have taken my daughter and I in until I make a final decision. I guess my question is for anyone who has overcome addiction or who is trying to do so. Is it even possible for someone who is strongly addicted to cocaine (or anything for that matter) to STAY sober??? ...and what does it take? How can I be as supportive as possible with his intentions to clean up without enabling him? I want him to know that I still love and care for him, but I do NOT want him to think that everything is "fine", when it clearly isn't. I have experienced a lot of anger and hurt, but now, I mostly just feel sad for him and his problem. I cannot stay married to someone when I can't trust their words.....is it ever possible to trust the word of someone who has lied so much to cover up an addiciton?

Ok, yes, I think you should go to the open meeting with him.....I think you should not be judgemental of him (who are we to cast the first stone we are not sinless ourselves, my opinion only please don't be offended)....Alanon and Naralanon/Narcanon (or something like that could help you out, it is for the family and friends of Alcoholics & Addicts, his meetings could get you information on dates, times, locations, etc.....not making a decision for six months is a great idea, we as newcomers are suggested not to make any major changes/decisions in our lives for a year but six months works too....bravo to your parents, it is great that you and your daughter have a support system, hang on to it, you will need it....yes, we do and can get & stay recovered from drugs & alcohol as long as we thoroughly follow the simple program laid out in Alcoholics Anonymous & Narcotics Anoymous, but we have to follow that program or we are screwed in my opinion & my experience only....you can be supportive without being enabling by checking into Alanon & other such groups in your area, just ask around in his meetings if you are really interested & serious about being supportive of/to him.....sure you can trust a recovering alcoholic & a recovering addict again as they show you that they mean business by getting & staying sober & changing their ways but it takes time & effort on their part, and patience & understanding & support on your part....both of you need to get self-esteem + confidence + assertiveness = to set up and to back up boundaries for yourself, for each other, and for everyone else that you may come in contact with!! I hope that I could help you some. My name is Samantha, I am an alcoholic & an addict, and my sobriety date is November 13th, 2004!!

[Anxious]

Thank you for your advice Samantha. Congratulations on your efforts and success. I agree with all you said. It is just hard, because I thought he had hit rock bottom once and that was going to be it........... I don't mean to sound like I am casting judgement on him.....sure I have my faults too. We all do. I am simply scared for him, myself, and our little girl. I will do what I can to be supportive.

Thanks again,
Dawn

[Don W]

I suggest you do a few things. First and most needed is to get help for you.
I would find support groups and learn as much as you can. Second, in most cases, like my wife and friends, people become the user's enablers. I can tell you. This time around I envolved my wife and she spoke with people. We addicticts depend on being able to tell lies to you. Like when I tried before, I'd tell my wife it was OK to go to a bar and drink soda. It was OK to drink non-alcoholic beer. It is OK in AA to use the program to learn how to drink.
How about this one? I told her the doctor at the VA said it was OK to calm my nerves once in awhile with wine. Why did he say this? Because I didn't drink wine, only beer and hard stuff. So, this means I don't have a problem with wine. Plus, I lied about not having drank wine. He must decide to get help, you can only reduce the enabling you do to help him drink. My wife started by refusing to call my work to tell them I was sick. There is help here and other places. SR has a board to help the friends and families of addicts.
The stronger you get the more narrow his choices get. I'll restate, that while we are using we are cheats,thiefs and would lie to anyone to keep using. Don W

[simply sober]

Anytime you need more help, just ask, we can help you more....by the way, I have hit several bottoms myself but until we are ready, it does not matter how many bottoms or how bad our bottoms have been, we will not and can not get and stay sober until we thoroughly follow the simple program of AA/NA....I have had to hit a bottom out there (when I was still using) and in here (while I have been in sobriety) this time around for me to be completely ready to thoroughly follow the simple program of AA...so my prayers are with ya'll!! Feel free to PM me if you want to, also...good nite!!

[hopefulinSanon]

Hello Anxious. my heart goes out to you. my partner is a sex addict who struggles with staying sober. while the drug of choice is different, the effects on partners is probably very similar. wondering if he means what he says; can he stay sober, will he stay sober, etc., are very normal concerns and questions. I have found so much comfort and support in my S-Anon group. For you that would probably be Narc-Anon (?). The groups are intended for us, friends and family. Hearing others stories, hearing that they have the same thoughts and questions as I do, and hearing those who have come through it and their relationships are better for it, and even hearing those who've chosen to move on - and are doing fine as well. You really can't lose by joining one of these support groups. We have our 12 steps too, and working our program is as important or us, as their working their program for them. It's all good. I wish you well. Let us know how you're doing.
S

[chey1]

anxious.
I agree 100% with what everyone said .. but I would caution you with one thing. I went to an AA meeting many years back with a girl I knew before I was an addict. My father is an alcoholic and I thought this would be a neat learning experience for me. Well was I wrong. I got overwhelmed by this sense that all these 'people' did was whine about them them them .. and I was thinking what about the wreckage of your families.. I left so angry and hurt. Of course I was feeling this from a wounded child point of view and I need to understand that we all have different point of view and it would have been nice to have this little speech before the meeting. I think I would have had more compassion and would have gotten more out of it. Maybe even learned a few things to use to help my dad.

Anyway.. Just know that this is a meeting for them.. It should give you some insite that this is a disease not a moral character flaw in us. They (we) have a responsibliltiy to get help and that is what NA/AA is all about. As for the crediblity thing. That will take time and actions speak louder than words but you will never know if you dont give him a chance. Marriage and family is worth it.

Good Luck..
T