100 Questions.

[Dan]

Step One

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, and that our lives had become unmanageable"

The purpose of a First Step is to look closely at our lives to see how we have been changed and controlled by our use of chemicals. For those of us with the disease of chemical dependency, bad things happen to us because of using alcohol or other drugs, but we can't control our use, no matter how much we want to. We keep using chemicals and keep having problems until we admit we have no control and begin to seek help. When we fully describe our disease, we begin to separate our real selves from the false identity of our addiction.

Your First Step assignment is to write an autobiography that includes your answers to all the following questions, on your own notebook paper. Relate the results of your using to the specific chemical's) used, amount used, and the feelings you had.

Your Childhood.

1. Begin your First Step by describing your family and early childhood. Were you abused or neglected. Write about the chemical use in your family.
2. Were you slapped, hit, beaten, put down, called names, molested, or in any other way abused?
3. Did your needs get met, or were you left out, left behind, or ignored?
4. Mention any problems you had with divorce, deaths, other losses, guilt, shame, anger, or sex.
5. Did your family spend good, caring times together?
6. Were you ever hugged or kissed?
7. How did they handle arguments?
8. Who were you closest to, emotionally?
9. Who punished you, and what was it like?
10. What were your early school years like? Were you shy, a clown, or a bully?
11. Did your family show an interest in your abilities in school or sports?

Your Drugs.

12. How old were you when you first used or drank? Tell that story, and how you felt.
13. How did your use of chemicals change in the early and middle stages of your disease?
14. Describe what drugs you used, how often you used, and the amounts you used.
15. What have been your favorite drug?
16. What is your drug of choice now? Describe the pattern of your using in the last year or two, stating how often, how much of each chemical used.
17. Compare the amount of each chemical it first took to get you high to how much it takes to get you high now.
18. When you used chemicals, did you chase the high? Did you use quickly to feel the drug's effects? Write about a certain time when you did this.
19. Have you ever drank or used drugs before going to a party to get a head start? When?
20. Have you used alone? How did it feel? Describe when and where you did this.
21. Have you kept a secret stash of drugs or hidden bottles? More than one? Describe.
22. Have you used leftover drugs from pipes, rigs, or roaches? Give examples.
23. What times of the day did you usually use chemicals? Did you drink in the morning?
24. Did you plan or daydream about your alcohol or other drug use?
25. Tell the story of your last using or drinking before coming to treatment, the drugs and the amounts, the thoughts and feelings you had at the time, and why you decided to come to a 12-Step program or treatment. Who or what was creating the pressure on you to seek help?

Attempts to Control.

26. Write how you tried to control and set rules for your chemical use.
27. List examples of replacing your favorite chemical with a different drug.
28. List examples of trying to control by changing towns, changing jobs, or changing friends.
29. How many times have you tried to quit?
30. What happened each time you tried to control or quit your chemical use? Did it work? For how long? How did it feel when you began to use again?

Effects on our Behavior.

31. Did you have difficulty with anger while high? Give examples.
32. List examples of the times you have lost control of your behavior while using (didn't go home on time, started acting crazy, spent too much, etc.)
33. If you have had blackouts (loss of memory for a period of time), what kinds of things would you do in your blackouts? How often did you have blackouts, how long would they last?
34. Have you felt that people were watching you, chasing you, or something bad was about to happen? When?
35. Have you hurt yourself by bumping into things, falling down, or getting into fights while you were high? Write about those times.
36. Give examples of things you have done while high that put your life or health in danger, such as driving, boating, snowmobile, cooking, operating machinery, hunting, skiing, or playing sports.
37. Have you done things you could have been arrested for but you weren't caught? List them.
38. Do you ever do these things (questions 31-37) while sober?
39. Did you make, deliver, or buy and sell drugs or moonshine?
40. Have you ever been arrested? Why? Describe your first arrest and how it felt to be in handcuffs, in the patrol car, photographed and fingerprinted.
41. List all of your arrests and sentences with a list of the chemicals you were using at the time.
42. What was it like to spend time in jail or prison, or on parole or probation? Did you drink or use in spite of the penalties, or as soon as you were released?

Effects on our Bodies.

43. How many times have you passed out from using chemicals?
44. Have you vomited after using or drinking too much, or felt like throwing up? When?
45. Have you ever had a bad trip on LSD, MDA, PCP, mushrooms? What happened?
46. Have you neglected your sleep, eating or exercise? Did you overeat? Describe.
47. Have you had an illness that was affected by your chemical use? What did your doctor say?
48. Do you have a disease, ulcer, damaged liver, change in weight, poor teeth, bloody nose, muscle pains, or major injury caused by your chemical use? Explain.
49. Has your memory become worse since you started using? Describe.
50. Do you have trouble remembering what you just read?
51. Has your using affected your judgment, how well you have solved problems, or how well you have been able to keep your mind on your work? Give examples.
52. Describe how you feel when you don't have your drugs or alcohol any longer, and you withdraw (shakes, seizures, sweats, hangover, depression, irritability, mood swings, cotton-mouth, aches & pains, can't eat, can't sleep, etc., etc., etc.!).
53. Mixing alcohol and other drugs is very hard on our bodies. Did you do this? Did you ever have, or come close to having, an overdose experience on combined drugs?
54. Did your heart ever skip beats, or race? When?
55. Have you gone to an emergency room or been in a coma as a result of using? Describe.

Effects on Social Life.

56. What friends have you dropped or drifted away from because they don't use chemicals the way you do? How did it feel to lose them?
57. What friends may have dropped you as your use grew heavier and your behavior changed?
58. Other friends may have stood by you even though you hurt them by your using behavior. Have you made a play for others' lovers or spouses? Have you stolen from, or lied to, friends? Have you embarrassed them? List examples.
59. Have you done things you wouldn't have done if you were sober? List them.
60. Using friends, dealers, and drug manufacturers sometimes threaten us, beat us, steal from us, or ruin our personal property. If this has happened to you, or if you did it to others, describe it.
61. List names or terms people have called you while you have been using.
62. How do you feel when others talk to you about your drinking or drug use?
63. Give examples of how you would avoid talking about your using, from the attached list of Defense Strategies.
64. Describe the old you that existed before drugs and the loss of your self-respect.
65. Did your values about sexual behavior change while you were high? Did you seduce others?
66. Did they seduce you? Did you have or cause any unwanted pregnancies, or abortions?
67. Did heavy use make it difficult for you or your partner to enjoy sex? Describe.
68. Did you get any sexually-transmitted diseases? Explain.
69. Did you use sex to get drugs? When?
70. Did you use alcohol or drugs to make sex more exciting?
71. List any other ways your sex life was affected by your chemical use.
72. Have you ever felt bad about your sexual behavior while using? Give examples.

Effects on Finances.

73. Spend some time estimating how much money you have spent on alcohol and other drugs. Take the cost of your average daily or weekly use for each drug, and multiply it by the number of days, weeks, and years that you used that drug. After you have done this for each drug, add those costs together. If necessary estimate what your "freebies" and trades were worth, and add them in. Use a calculator or ask for help if you need it.

EXAMPLE: An eighth-ounce of pot might cost $40 and be consumed in two days.
In one month I would use about 15 bags,
Using half a bag a day. 15 x $40 = $600 per month; 12 months x $600 = . $7,200
So 5 years of pot-smoking at that rate x $7200. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .= $36,000
plus 10 years of smoking at half that rate x $3600. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . = $36,000
plus 5 years of smoking socially x $900 per year. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . = . $4,500
Equals a grand total for pot smoking of: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . = $76,500

74. Add the cost of traffic tickets, lawyers, wrecked cars, medical bills and higher insurance costs.
75. Add the money spent on gambling, impulse buying, extra restaurant meals, extra gas.
76. How often did you miss work due to hangovers, binges, or arguments due to using/drinking? What did that cost you?
77. How many jobs have you lost? How much time have you spent unemployed? Estimate what you could have been earning if you had been sober for that period of time, and count that as another loss.
78. Figure in the money lost due to lower pay because you'd rather use than get a better job.
79. Add the money that other people have spent in an effort to help you.
80. What is the total amount of money that your chemical use has cost? How does it feel to look at that amount of money lost? How would you use that money if you had it today?

Effects on Family Life.

81. Who has left you or asked you to leave home because of problems caused by your drinking or drug use?
82. Did anyone in your family tell you to slow down, quit, or go to treatment? What did they say?
83. Which family members have stopped caring about you as much as they used to?
84. List some ways your drug or alcohol use may have hurt your family members.
85. What have you done to others because of your chemical use that you wouldn't have done to yourself?

Effects on Spiritual Life.

86. How have you become more selfish and less caring as a result of your chemical use?
87. What problems have you tried to "fix" with drugs?
88. Did you trust your drugs more than other people?
89. Did you blame your habit on rotten people, bad government, or on a world going to hell?
90. How has your using behaviors gone against your morals and values?
91. How have you stopped believing in what you had faith in? Who or what did you believe in before you started using?
92. Have you stopped calling close friends or stopped having fun?
93. Have you felt lost, damned, or cursed?

Effects on Emotional Life.

94. As you have answered these questions, you have probably had strong feelings. Try to name the feelings. Is it hard for you to cry? to admit fear? to ask for a hug? to feel happy?
95. Did you use self-pity, resentment, or fear as justification to drink or use? Give examples.
96. Have you been depressed? When?
95. Talk about the loneliness you have felt, your sadness, your guilt.
97. List times you have felt like you wanted to die, or actually attempted suicide.
98. Are you being the person you want to be?
99. Would your life be better if you didn't use alcohol or other drugs?
100. Has your addiction or alcoholism defeated you? How do you feel right now?