Inpatient Treatment Decisions

[trufflenut]

Our son will be 21 soon, but is currently in county jail on a DWI with a personal injury-related charge. He had been in our local Huber facility, working and going to a two-year technical college, when he had a slip-up...he had a drinking incident while on the job and hence, his Huber was revoked and he is back in jail until the end of June.

He has acknowledged his alcoholism & also has admitted to crack use (although the law was thankfully not involved with that aspect.) He has been in individual counseling and group counseling for the past two years, although never got involved in AA, even though his counselor continued to urge him to do so. Our son now appears to be highly motivated to get well and it was he who initiated our recent talks about going into an inpatient treatment program at the end of June (upon his release) for a 28 day program.

His original plan was to transfer this fall to a 4 year state college approx. five hours north of here to continue his major. His education has been important to him and seems to be one of the positive motivating factors in his life, so his father and I have always encouraged it and are supporting his decision to move. (He will be living in a dorm on an alcohol-free floor.)

We recently looked at an impatient treatment facility (12-step based) in the same small town as his new school. We thought this might be a good idea, as it could be an instant support group when he moves. However, when we visited, it seemed cramped, run down, and poorly funded, although the staff seemed quite competent.

On the other hand, his counselor is urging us to consider a different facility (also 12-step based) which is closer (only 1 hour from here) & is newer, larger, and has more staff, along with better funded programming. Since it is closer, we could also be more involved in family therapy. We were very impressed with the staff when we visited, but still have some concerns as to what direction might be best.

Obviously, since our son is in jail, we can only describe these options to him. He is not certain which one might be best, and neither are we.

So, the question is: what could work best for someone in his situation? A run down, cramped, poorly funded facility that would be located in his new school town; or a higher quality facility closer to home?

OR -- does it really matter? Does it really all depend upon what is inside of him, not where he is?

ANY and all insight will be appreciated. Thanks!

[tyler]

Originally Posted by trufflenut

OR -- does it really matter? Does it really all depend upon what is inside of him, not where he is?

I think that hit the nail on the head. If he is motivated it won't really matter what the conditions are. I do think that it could be helpful to be staying in the same community that he is going to live if they have an aftercare program. After care is very important, because it's not like you are "fixed" after 28 days. The staff is very important too. I attended inpatient treatment twice at different facialities, and though neither was a "solution" I learned from both of them. One was a tradational, more institutional, program, well funded, nice campus, etc. The other was more non-traditional, 20 of us crammed into a triplex, looked a bit fly-by-nite (though it wasn't). Personally I probably got more out of the second program, though one of the biggest diffenences was that I was there by my choice, instead of going for someone else, like I did in the first. Not sure if any of this helped or if I just confused you more!! I hope it helped. The biggest factor is that he is ready to make a change in his life. Take care.

[jbm125]

Hi Trufflenut. I'll answer your last question first. It's very important. It's paramount. Since he's in jail now on a DWI and was drinking on the job he's not sober. He's not even dry. By acknowledging his alcoholism and crack use this drunk and junkie (sorry but thats the facts) has gotten nothing from individual or group counseling. Ask yourself "if he's going to a counselor and ignoring the counselor's advise what's the point?". Ask yourself why he doesn't want to go to AA. AA requires rigorous honesty and his actions prove he's lying to you, counselors, employers etc. My opinion is that rehabs, counseling, family support etc. don't require anything of him but giving everyone lip service.
You say he wants to transfer to a college 5 hrs. north of you for his major.
You say "his education has always been important to him and seems to be one of the positive motivating factors in his life so his father and I have always encouraged it and are supporting his decision to move." Are you nuts?AA and any competent counselor will tell you if he wants to get and stay sober he has to change. Not move away and have no supervision of the type an addict like him needs. As far as long range plans go maybe they should be put on hold till he finds out what his life will be after his jail term is over. Probation, parole, community service, court ordered AA, compensation to the person/people he injured while driving drunk and or stoned.
He's not yet 21. He's still a child. Maybe not physically but certainly emotionally, intellectualy and his choices are those a child or addict would make. Not thinking of others, self centered, I want it and I want it now, the consequences of his immature actions,etc.
His idea to go to a 28 day rehab/vacation , then what...off to college? Unsupervised? Who's paying for all this? Mom and Dad? Behavior after rehab, for at least a year should be stay at home, go to AA and counseling, no major changes, no decisions without the advise of a counselor or in AA a sponsor. He'll have a toxic brain for at least that long till the damage he's done to his brain and body repairs itself, with his help. I know I've been blunt. BUT, your message was naive to say the least. What you called a "slip-up" the courts call a felony and it's damn serious. You sound as if you want him to go 5 hrs. north cuz 'out of sight,out of mind'. Just send him checks and blame the school when he's arrested again. You have a real problem on your hands and it's your responsibility to try to help your child , not yet 21, GROW UP. God bless.

[angelgirl]

Hello there trufflenut!!! You made an excellent step, by finding this great website. I am also from WISCONSIN. I live right in the middle of the state. Anyway, read posts here at Sober Recovery, you will learn alot. Although it is your son that needs the help, you can really help your self by reading as much as you can about alcoholism, and drug addiction. The problem is HIS, not YOURS. BUT, it affects you also, and if you plan on continuing to support your son, I am not talking about support financially, but support his RECOVERY then you need to prepare yourself. I am an addict, like your son, ( I do hope you realize he is an addict, and that it's not anything to be embarrassed of, but very important to understand), but we addicts are very manipulative, we lie, we do what ever we need to do, to get what we want, and FEEL we need. I am a wife, and a mother of 4, I am middle class, and had a very average, "normal" life, until the disease of addiction surfaced.
Your son may have a long road ahead of him. His life will be all about recovery. Recovery must come before anything else in life, because if you don't have recovery, you will not have anything. So college, and even family will be second and third, and so on, in his life. This disease is a terrible illness, and very difficult to overcome. He will have the disease his whole life, but he can find recovery.
The most important thing for him is to WANT recovery more than anything else. Where he goes to college will be secondary. You can not really fix his problem, which you may realize already. I don't know how to answer your question on the college, if it were my son, I would want him closer to me, although you can not fix him, you can be there for him.
The BEST ADVICE I can give you, would be to check out the alanon, and the FRIENDS AND FAMILY of ALCOHOLICS, and also the NAR-ANON forum here on this site. They can help you much more, to prepare yourself for what you are coming up against when he gets out. Also how to TAKE CARE OF YOU, because people that love the alcoholic/addict must learn to take care of themselves, or your life could be filled with much turmoil. We are the alcoholics/addicts here, we can only really tell you our stories and advice from this side of the disease, they can give you so much more.
I wish you MUCH luck. I really hope your son wants this more than anything, it took me alot of trouble, and alot of hospitalizations, before I really decided to recieve the help that was being offered to me, it takes some of us longer than others to say, I give up, I surrender, I WANT help.
You may want to check out a halfway house or some type of SOBER LIVING house he can live in.
GOD BLESS YOU. We all know how much you love your son, but sometimes helping him to much, actually hurts him in the long run. Please visit the other forums, they can offer you so much more. You may not like everything you hear, but please, remember, the people on the forums have been where you are, and they know what we addicts are like. Love, Becky

[trufflenut]

THANKS to all for your comments - they were helpful:

JBM - your comments, while blunt are appreciated. Yeah - we feel a little nuts & were probably too naive. This is all new to us. He was always a great student, and a hard worker - at both school and work. Our son was a very good liar to everyone around him & was able to keep his addictive behaviors under wraps for a quite a while. As far as the court is concerned -- his sentencing will be completely served at the end of June. (There was never a felony arrest.)

While he was resistent before, he claims that now he is ready to go to AA. That is why we are researching the 12 step treatment facilities. (Of course when you are in jail, you probably tend to say what you think others want to hear. That's one of our biggest concerns...that he may just be "saying" it - but not really believing it.)

When we talk on the phone, we can tell by some of his comments that his old way of thinking could easily take him over once he is released. It's sad that temporary county jail placement doesn't allow for AA meetings or any type of treatment. We see wasted time and possibly more damage happening as he sits there.

And yes - his moving far away is scary for us. However, academically, that particular school is the best choice. But we also realize that's all secondary to his recovery...and that's why I'm asking for insight and opinions from this forum. Since he turned 18 and moved out on his own to an apt. (against our advice) -- we have not, and do not intend to financially support him - we will simply assist with his education. We do however, want to emotionally support him with whatever treatment might make a difference.

Angelgirl -- The place that is located closer to our home does have a halfway house -- it may be worth considering and placing his school plans on hold.

Tyler -- the fact that you experienced both types of places is interesting...but you are right...being there by choice makes all the difference.

We have lots to consider....Thanks again.

[In memory of miracle]

Just wanted to say good luck with your son.If there is a proffessional that you really trust, perhaps they could help you with your decision.Please know when the time is right, I believe a person can get sober anywhere.I know you will do what is best. Your son is blessed to have you. Prayers and keep the faith! Trish

[Don W]

I've always been ashamed that I've been in about 8 treatment centers. You've made me think of it in a different way. I have experence to share. Those that mentioned unless he is ready the place don't matter. Look at the stars that shell out big bucks at the best places and still relapse. It has been my experence both personal and observer that during withdrawal the patient going to be happy anyplace. Many of us in recovery have followed our own rules. The treatment center has some that your son won't care for. I've seen people go crazy because of restricted phone use. The key I feel is to do it. Don't try and find a place he will like. Pick a place for recovery and
sooner the better. I do have to tell you that in my case Programs/Treatment Centers have provide me with foundation for a good start. Even if it don't work. Your son will learn and someday recall the lesson when ready. I still remember things from years ago. Only now I understand them. The most important thing to remember is youi can only provide the chance. You can't get him sober however, programs like Alanon can help you stop being an enabler. I can tell you sound like very nice and loving parents.
Us alcoholics will use that and whatever else to drink, get people, places or things off our back. I myself used treatment center to clean up problem in my life or get people off my back. There was nothing better than having people say , Oh poor Don, let's give him a chance. I was in the Veterans Program and used the sympathy for a Veteran for my desire to drink. In fact one time I stopped and drank on the way home after a 30 day stay at the Bedford Mass V A Hospital. People gave me money, people gave my job back, people helped my wife, friends called and visited me, and the healthy diet and rest got me feeling better. And I still drank on the way home. This was my case and maybe won't happen. I just want you to understand how heartless we can be in order to drink. Alcohol controls our actions, words and thoughts. I hope this post finds him already in treatment. Don W

[jbm125]

Hi again trufflenut. Sometimes blunt is necessary. When I read your post I thought thse poor people are into denial like Donald Trump is into real estate.
I don't believe anyone drinks and drugs the way you describe your sons addictions unless they're using to kill some emotional pain or problem.
In my 4th rehab my counselor gave me an index card and said "read it aloud".
The card read "I am a person of inherent goodness, worth and dignity and the only one who can argue with that is me." I've had that argument with myself and with the help of God and AA, today, I win more often than I lose. I think you should have your son say that to himself till he believes it. From what you wrote he's not drinking or drugging cuz it's fun. I don't know his reason but I feel he has one. Your family is in my prayers.
Good luck and God bless.
Jack

Originally Posted by trufflenut

THANKS to all for your comments - they were helpful:

JBM - your comments, while blunt are appreciated. Yeah - we feel a little nuts & were probably too naive. This is all new to us. He was always a great student, and a hard worker - at both school and work. Our son was a very good liar to everyone around him & was able to keep his addictive behaviors under wraps for a quite a while. As far as the court is concerned -- his sentencing will be completely served at the end of June. (There was never a felony arrest.)

While he was resistent before, he claims that now he is ready to go to AA. That is why we are researching the 12 step treatment facilities. (Of course when you are in jail, you probably tend to say what you think others want to hear. That's one of our biggest concerns...that he may just be "saying" it - but not really believing it.)

When we talk on the phone, we can tell by some of his comments that his old way of thinking could easily take him over once he is released. It's sad that temporary county jail placement doesn't allow for AA meetings or any type of treatment. We see wasted time and possibly more damage happening as he sits there.

And yes - his moving far away is scary for us. However, academically, that particular school is the best choice. But we also realize that's all secondary to his recovery...and that's why I'm asking for insight and opinions from this forum. Since he turned 18 and moved out on his own to an apt. (against our advice) -- we have not, and do not intend to financially support him - we will simply assist with his education. We do however, want to emotionally support him with whatever treatment might make a difference.


We have lots to consider....Thanks again.

[trufflenut]

Originally Posted by Don W

Your son will learn and someday recall the lesson when (he's) ready. I still remember things from years ago. Only now I understand them. The most important thing to remember is you can only provide the chance.

Don - this puts things into perspective. We have a long road ahead - but your message provides some hope. Thanks.

Originally Posted by JBM125

In my 4th rehab my counselor gave me an index card and said "read it aloud". The card read "I am a person of inherent goodness, worth and dignity and the only one who can argue with that is me." I've had that argument with myself and with the help of God and AA, today, I win more often than I lose.

I am making a card and sending it to him. A tangible piece of the future.

TRISH: Good advice: I will pray for a miracle...that this WILL indeed be the time and place for him. (Couldn't hurt!)

[Jerry K]

Dear Trufflenut:

Another alternative for your son is to determine if the facilities near his new university have an Outpatient Program (IOP) with Continuing Care after that ends. This would be coordinated with him living in a SLE Home (Sober Living Environment). I bring this to your attention as in the recovery program I utilized, there were college attendees who utilized this type of program and most were successful.

I will describe the treatment program of the Sequoia Center, Redwood City, California that I attended. The outpatient program consisted of approximately 12 weeks and required attendance at evening meetings, four days a week, lasting around 3 hours each evening. One “coined out” when the various counselors agreed that the addict was ready to move on. The program stressed the 12 steps and required attendance at AA or NA meetings each week.

The continuing care program is a weekly meeting and is vital and essential to the process. Those who participate triple the chances of staying sober. I participated and now am approaching 19 months.

The SLE is a group home, usually two to a room, and involves a house meeting each evening. Most are single family residences located within a neighborhood, and as such limit the occupants to around 5 or 6 in addition to a live-in advisor to keep the home safe and on-tract.

The reason I bring this to your attention, that unfortunately many that participated in the IOP program had previously gone to a treatment center but relapsed. They said the inpatient thing did not prepare them to live within their community and face the situations that exist in the “real world”.

I believe many here will relate to you that a 28 day program is not “the cure”. What is essential that he learns and develops a personal recovery program that he can incorporate into his being because there is no cure. For each of us recovery is a very different and personal process, but one thing remains consistent: We were, We are, and We will always be addicts.

I wish the best of luck,

Grandpa Jerry

[angelgirl]

Hi there Grandpa J. What you said sounds like it would be a very good arrangement for someone in this situation. I do not know him, but it sounds great for an addict coming out of jail, or for that matter a treatment center that needs more support, as we all do. I have not lived in any type of a sober living house (halfway house etc...), but I am currently in an IOP (Intensive outpatient program). These are very good choices for anyone who really WANTS help. I have about 3 weeks left in my IOP, then I will move onto another group at the same facility. I need all the help I can get.
I do recommend an IOP. When I first joined the group, with my stinking thinking, I thought, well I have been through a couple of treatments, what more could they teach me, and I kept that superior, unfortunate thinking for about 2 group sessions, then of course I changed my additude. I don't know why I ever even thought something so stupid, but I did. Guess it was that type of thinking that got me into a few treatment centers, a few different times, and relapsing so many times.
Well got a little off base here. I just wanted to second everything you said. I hope Trufflenut reads this.
Well, have a great night, all. Love, Becky

[JT]

trufflenut,

The thing that you most seriously have to consider is the fact that he in jail and saying whatever that you want to hear. My son is 30...5 DUI's...so we have been through this inside and out. Listen to the above...they lie. Jail is horrible and they will say whatever it is you want to hear. Besides, I am sure he isn't staying there very long on a first offense. Even I bailed my boy out the first time.

I would be very very cautious. Funding the college experience at this time in his life could be like flushing the money.

Perhaps earning his way to school by completing IOP successfully and a year of sobriety is what he needs to do before he gets a semi-free ride to the school of his choice. If his education is that important to HIM (not you) maybe a local community college with a low class load while he does that?

In the meantime...for you...keep the expectations down and the radar on high alert.

Come on over to Friends and Family...you will be more than wlecome!
Hugs,
JT

[angelgirl]

Hi there again, just wanted to say, I found a post you may want to read. REALLY good posts, that I found to be very accurate. Painful, but accurate. I have been a member here for a couple years, and never read it until tonight. I think it could be in your best interest to read it, because like I told you before, I am a middle class mother of 4, and was in a professional career, and as bad as it sounds, it fit for me, so it will most likely fit for your son.
It is in this section, the GENERAL RECOVERY section, it is about 4 posts down from the top, it says STICKY: FORUM POWER POSTS. Go there then it gives ou different posts, but read the one that is titled WHAT ADDICTS DO . I'm sure you will be interested, even if it hurts. Love, Becky