My NEW RULES.....

[Kahlia]

Well, today has been a bad day BUT I am OK. I sat down in my front yard and cried for an hour and then I was cool. I have posted about my totally dysfunctional family before, they are no longer in my life at this point....my choice. Today, I decided after much thought to ask my Mother-co-dependant for 50 years...IF I could have the quilt that my grandmother made me when I was 5. When I went into rehab 5 years ago, she came to my house and ask my roommmate if she could have it..she thought that I might sell it??? OK. I should have known better BUT the last time I talked to her she told me she would mail it to me Fed Ex. and I told her I would pay for it. I never recieved it, so this morning I called MOM.....AHHHHH.....I asked her if she had sent it and she said "It is in MY house and IF I decide that you CAN have it, I will send it, IF not, then I won't"....I thought for a brief second, trying to use all the tools I have learned about anger and just said "Mom , if that is your decison, there is nothing I can do about it". Then, I said Bye and hung up the phone. I sat there for a few minutes and realized that she does not understand the NEW game....NEW RULES...she does not know how to play...in other words, I will not let her get to me, I will not argue with her, I just refuse to let her control MY emotions. I know it is only a quilt BUT it is very sentimental to me, my grandmother passed away a few years ago...I feel good about what I did on the phone and am not calling her again as she is trying to control me with the quilt issue....she can keep it. I have a very nice blanket on my bed. I just needed to let everyone know that after we get clean or sober there are NEW rules and some people do not play nicely.....Kahlia:tongue2:

[michaelj]

Kahlia,

I am sorry that the quilt issue has so upset you. Having said that, I think you dealt with the issue remarkably well. You can be sure that your mother is worrying over the issue right now because the expected behavioural response did not show. She is probably concerned as to what to do now and you need to be ready for a response from her.
My next thought was that you should write her a letter in which you can calmly and clearly lay out the new rules and explain the existence of the new you. Ask for the return of the quilt and tell her that if she decides she wants to keep it then that will be the end of the matter.
The most positive thing to come out of this is that you remain sober and have not sought refuge in drink. You should be immensely proud of yourself for that, unlike the quilt nobody can take that away from you. Well done.
All the best
Michael

[Kahlia]

Originally Posted by michaelj

Kahlia,

I am sorry that the quilt issue has so upset you. Having said that, I think you dealt with the issue remarkably well. You can be sure that your mother is worrying over the issue right now because the expected behavioural response did not show. She is probably concerned as to what to do now and you need to be ready for a response from her.
My next thought was that you should write her a letter in which you can calmly and clearly lay out the new rules and explain the existence of the new you. Ask for the return of the quilt and tell her that if she decides she wants to keep it then that will be the end of the matter.
The most positive thing to come out of this is that you remain sober and have not sought refuge in drink. You should be immensely proud of yourself for that, unlike the quilt nobody can take that away from you. Well done.
All the best
Michael

Thank you, Michael...I have written her a letter-wrote it today...it basically states that I am now clean 5 years, I am no longer lying, stealing, being manipulating. It also says that I will NOT tolerate any form of verbal or emotional abuse. It tells of boundries that should have been made many years ago....I was a slow learner!!! My Mother is using the only thing she knows-control. Since I have not let her control me anymore, she is angry. It is not so much the quilt as it brought back all the bad memories of what happened to me by my dysfunctional family. I was raised in a very abusive household when I was a child and it continued until I left at age 17....I feel as though I have come a very LONG way and she will never get it-she is "stomping mad". She told me that I need psychiatric help!!! I am just like OK. I am fine, healthy and if she chooses not to give it to me, I cannot make her. I am used to this behavior, just once thought maybe she would have had enough time to think about things.....guess not......she is still so co-dependant that she thinks I should thank her for all the "years she suffered for me". Those decicions were hers and she chose to live with an alcoholic and push me and my brother aside....I am really OK, just got emotional which for me is almost new. I never get emotional unless something underlying is going on. I think it had to do with my grandmother and the fact that I never got to go to her funeral or grieve for her...my family did not call me when she passed away. We all want our families to love and support us, some are incapable....believe me, she will NOT understand my boundries, she will think I am being "mean"??? thanks for you suggestion and I am sending the letter tomorrow......kahlia

[ToriGirl]

My mom can do lame things like that too. Whenever I want to talk to her about things she is doing that are hurting me and others in the family..she is quick to tell me all the things I have done wrong and avoids the subject all together.

I have decided to stay in contact with her because there are some things good that she has done for me. But I have just decided to accept that there will be those times where she is not nice, and there is nothing I can do about it. I know she loves me and I love her...but she is wrong alot of times and I am tired of trying to tell her...she just will not listen. There are people who are llike that and there is no changing them. Sorta like an addict can be the only one to decide if they want to quit nobody can quit for them. I have thought of having an intervention with all the family members who she has hurt, but no one is interested in going near her.

But oh well...I am over it. Mostly. I just wanted to tell you that I feel your pain.

Take care Kahlia !

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Kahlia,

it takes to people to have an arguement. How important is it any way? My serenity is worth more then any material possion. Refuse to be baited into this. Pray for your mom, pray you keep a sense of fairplay.

Ask yourself, how hard a time did she go thru with me? Getting people's trust back isn't always easy. Sometimes. the longer I'm sober, the more screwed up I view the people around me


hugs

chris

[Cathy31]

Kahlia

I can SO feel for you. As Michaelj said, WOW you can be SO proud of yourself!!!! Families can be, and are, so f*cked up! It's terrible! But you were absolutely PERFECT in the way you handled it. It's hard when we are treated unfairly - I am glad that you wrote the letter, and that you are going to post it. I can feel your hurt, I can relate to it and I just think you did so amazingly well. Good for you, Kahlia, a really good example / beacon for those of us inearly recovery!
Well done, Kahlia!
Cathy31x

[nutz]

kalia,
I know what you mean.

Of course I did a lot of no..nos in my using.
I love my parents....but , I just be hanging out with them.lol
And I made my amens to the best of my abilities.
It's a daily thing when it comes to my mother...it's the way I live today.

My dad thinks anything and everything I do is not good enough
or that's how he treats me still.
My mother still treats me like I'm a 8 years old kid. I'm freanken 37.lol
In their eyes I 'll will always be thier little boy. Which is kind of wack.
Mama be afriad if I do anything and dadio be nagg'in if I don't do anything.
No wonder I'm wack at times. Don't know if I should come or go.lol
But it dosen't give me an excuse to be a door mat or a *****.

Recovery and working the steps has help so much.
Just in this issue or area of my life.
I've changed, I process things different ,now
Priciple before personallities.
I know my parents loves me and wants whats best or good for me.
And it's hard to see that at times, especailly in the heat of the moment.
It just comes out all F-up sometimes or that's the way they go about it.
Bless their heart, at least I know they love me, if they didn't
I wouldn't hear a damn thing.

there's no mo rules under my roof.
I just try to do some of these things to the best of my abilities
somedays are better than other.
Don't pick up
love myself
suit up and show up
be nice...or love one another
and have fun

[Kahlia]

Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000

Kahlia,

it takes to people to have an arguement. How important is it any way? My serenity is worth more then any material possion. Refuse to be baited into this. Pray for your mom, pray you keep a sense of fairplay.

Ask yourself, how hard a time did she go thru with me? Getting people's trust back isn't always easy. Sometimes. the longer I'm sober, the more screwed up I view the people around me


hugs

chris

Chris-I pray for my Mother daily...also she is the only one who was arguing, I just listened and said "IF that is you decision, OK"..I then said Bye and hung up. She has been absent all my life and when in the picture, then wants to tell me what to do...and HOW to do it. I do not even know this woman and do not know IF I love her or not, sad, isn' it. I am no longer worried about the quilt, I can have one made, it was just sentimental to me. She did not go through any hard time with me as she was nowhere to be found. I apologized for anything I might have done, anyway. I am really fine, just have been going through a very stressful time lately with my friend's surgery etc. This too shall pass......the healthier I get the more sick people I meet??? .....kahlia...PS...I wrote a letter about my Mother while I in treatment ...will post it later...it is a STRONG reminder of how far I have come......