Emotional Unavailability

[Phinneas]

My divorce brought me to my knees - and not in a humble before god, way either. But in a broken and bleeding laying by the side of the road kind of way. Doing the work in recovery has brought me some relief and growth and hope, but I am still very emotionally unavailable.

Just thinking some thoughts about this lately... one thing that baffels me is that no matter how up front about being unavailable I am, some simply seem to not believe me. I don't get it. I mean, if someone says they are emotionally unavailable, do you take it as a challenge? Or maybe think, hmm.. maybe they know themselves so I am gonna take their word for it and move on?

Maybe it's me. Maybe I am sending mixed signals? See, the other side of this coin is that I really do want all those wonderful things that intimacy and companionship with another brings. I miss it. And all the prayer and step work and meetings and personal growth in the world won't hold me as I fall asleep at night. So maybe my "wants" (for companionship) and my "needs" (for time to heal - alone) are sending conflicting messages.

:scratchch I dunno... anyone else encountered this?

--phinny

[CAPTAINZING2000]

HMM

No one is perfect in a marriage. My drinking didn't help my realtionship at all. My wife divorced me and moved in with another woman. Hurts like a Son of a B1tch for a while. I have no idea how long it takes for someone to heal. If, it wasn't for the blood sucking attorney my ex had, I wouldn't have had that hard a time. At least, as hard a time as I did.

JO JO,
if it's any concellation to you, be thankful there are no kids involved. I've been divorced longer then I was married. The pain goes away. If, you still are having a hard time, make some amends to the ex. Might be a way of healing for you. If, you don't think you can do that, at least write them down.

We learn and grow from our mistakes. Take what you learned from your mistakes in the marriage and make sure, they don't happen in any new relationships.

Do you think, it was better to have loved and lost then to never have loved before??

[Phinneas]

Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000

Do you think, it was better to have loved and lost then to never have loved before??

nope

But this isn't about my marriage. That is done and nothing will make it undone. What I am struggling with is the moving forward part.

--phinny

[FriendofBill]

Phinny,

Your post really touched me. I appreciate your honesty deeply.

You CAN move forward, I did,,,I too was on that same floor you were on, numbed out by fear. I continued to do the things my fellowship told me to do as it related to my co-dependent disease. Prayer, service, meetings and fellowship. They basically loved me until I could love myself and pick myself off the floor, and do what I needed to do to learn to feel, express and uncover.

I whole heartedly suggest you try al-anon. Doesnt matter if you have addicted family members,,,,its a relationship 12 step program,,,,and its especially helpful in learning to accept loss and move onward and upward.

You are moving on, just by posting what you did.

Hang in my friend...you DO got it!

[mishelly]

Originally Posted by Phinneas

I mean, if someone says they are emotionally unavailable, do you take it as a challenge?


Maybe it's me. Maybe I am sending mixed signals?
--phinny

Hi Phinneas...as a person with lots of "isms", I can tell you that yes, some people do like a challenge and think they can "fix" whats wrong with someone by loving them out of it. Many people fancy themselves "rescuers" of those in distress...they are people who thrive on being desperately needed by their partner.

As for mixed signals...maybe you are, but I got no answers on that one, as I send mixed signals ALL the time! Trying to catch myself and stop the cycle is the hard part.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Moving ahead was easy Staying in the bad marriage was hard. Having made the mistake of bringing 4 kids into a world with a alkie dad and a whacko abusive mother was hard.

being able to have freedom from anyone or anything. Setting a goal, doing what you want to do. Figuring out who you are who you want to be.

It takes some people for ever to decide what they want to be when they grow up. Society likes to dictate we do it as a couple. However, people are tired of the divorces and our waiting longer again to get married

This is a good thing to wait and make sure the next time will be for ever

[quercusalba]

Hi Phinneas...

Maybe you are sending mixed signals. I think that just means "proceed with caution." Relationships are tricky things... and they always will be, so long as they're between two human beings. I am pretty convinced of this. If you find that you are getting along well with someone, just go easy. Try not to go too fast... try not to explain too much. Just be you. I hate giving advice ("assvice", really) because I am so pathetically far from having it all figured out... but I wanted to add my two cents because I can really empathize with you.

I was divorced, too... and without good friends, I would have been far more wrecked than I actually was. I think that being emotionally unavailable is a pretty natural reaction to the death of a significant relationship. I got into another relationship far too quickly and, though I love the man I am with, I struggle with emotional unavailability with him. It's something I am working on, but it's a process. I think you are experiencing healthy, real emotions. And, as I said before, I think you just need to go easy. Trying not to sound too PollyAnna-ish... but I do think that you will find someone to be with, and you will become emotionally available again... with thought, work, and time.

I don't know that I have said anything useful, but I just wanted to say I know where you're coming from.

take care of you,
anne

[Blue2085]

Hi Phinny,
hang in there!

Ciao With Love
Miss Blue

[escape artist]

phinneas- i don't know if this will help you, but i come from the flip side of your coin- (the co-dependents) and what you describe sounds like a typical "codie" who will want to "fix" you. as these two opposites seem to attract each other regularly (see the friends and family if you want to know more about us)- i could only pray for you that you maintain your unavailability and just keep movin on- until you are ready. hopefully after more recovery you will be able to attract a much healthier person than someone who is not "listening" to you in the first place.

[Andy F]

Hi Phinneas

Yes, I would take it as a challenge. Not because I am an alcoholic, but because I am a male and human (possibly). I believe it is human nature to think something that is easily available has less value and something unavailable will unconsciously imply to me an added value.

My divorce did me in to, but I only have an intellectual answer. I know my poor self-image leads me to be lacking in intrinsically generated self-esteem and therefore overly dependant on external sources. Hence when they fail, I fail in a more complete way. When rejected I have no intrinsic self-esteem.

I think that building up intrinsic self-esteem, is not a matter of what I do, but a matter of stopping self-criticism and exposing the negative false beliefs I am holding.