Learning to like me????

[angelgirl]

I am wondering, I have a very difficult time liking me, as a matter of fact it is a very big problem of mine. I was wondering if anyone could share how they learned to accept/like themselves, in their own skin, just the way they are???
Thanks, Becky

[Andy F]

Wow, the golden question.

I have chased money and women and anything else that might fill that void. Any distraction and anything to feel better. Chase, chase, chase, lol.

The only value I have is not in what I own or how many women will accept me or what status my job has. It is simply that I am alive and breathing. I cannot and need not justify my inherent, inate value, which would not change if I drove a ferrarri or if I was starving to death in Africe. I have value only because I am a person and noone has more inherent worth.

To be happy is another matter. I realise, or strive to realise, that I have a lot of things that I thought were true, to unlearn. Sometimes 20 years after an event I perceive as shamfeul I will find myself cringing. I have to say to myself, 'how long does it have to be before I forgive myself?' Looking at my behaviour, past and present, what I amount to, without false moral judgement is the start.

I can't talk for you, but it is the ultimate question for me. Thanks

[Gabe]

One of the best books on self-esteem that I've read is "Celebrate Yourself" by Dorothy Briggs. Here is a link with an excerpt from the first chapter.
http://www.getnewvisions.com/se/briggs_celebrate.html

[mackat]

self esteem issues seem to plague all of us in recovery.
in early recovery, i found a guy who had many of the same issues/history as i did. just as i had been willing to go to a guy with solid clean/sober recovery and ask him to be my sponsor, so too i went to the guy who had the tools of emotional recovery, and asked him to work with me. what a gift!!

9 years later, i still can watch myself behave in ways that tell me there are areas i want to work on. But all in all, am living proof that the ol AA/NA saying: "let us love you til you can learn to love yourself " WORKS!

hugs
mackat

[oncewaslost]

it takes TIME and PATIENCE...i had to learn to forgive myself for all the bad things i had done...i had to let go of all the guilt i carried...there is not one perfect person...we all do things we aren't proud of...make mistakes...and we must find a way to learn from them...time, patience, and forgiveness was how i began to feel better about myself...had to learn how to love myself...then i was able to accept the love from others...and it is truely a wonderful thing...hang in there...it took me many years and lots of mistakes to get where i am today...

[michaelj]

Angelgirl,

What's not to like about you. You are just like the rest of us, you're human. The human condition is to be imperfect and there's no point worrying about our imperfections, in fact they define us and we would all be the poorer without them.

I have a favorite poem, it always makes me smile, by Philip Larkin. It's titled "This be the verse" and the first verse reads:

They **** you up, your mum and dad
They may not mean to but they do
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra just for you

In a way he is saying that we can do nothing about who we are and that life is only fulfilling when we accept that. I know it isn't easy to love yourself, I am at the liking myself stage right now, but acceptance of who you are must be the first step along the way.

You can easily find Larkin's poem on the web and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

All the best

Michael

[bartender129]

Hi angelgirl,

This essay really helped me with this subject.

USA

[quercusalba]

Angelgirl -

I think all of these people have good advice. I am right there with you at the moment... I cannot figure out how to like myself, much less love myself. I have a link to add to the others -
http://www.thisisawar.com/HealthLoveSelf.htm ...the first essay ("A Step-by-Step Guide") really hits home with me. I think all four of those steps are necessary to begin liking yourself. I know that I have punished myself extensively for my alcoholic behavior; in my code of ethics, alcoholic drinking and behavior is wrong, very wrong... so as a result, I have found it impossible to like myself because I continued to do something that, at the heart of me, I know is wrong. I am violating my own integrity when I pick up a drink... shredding my self-esteem and letting myself (and others, of course) down. I use alcohol as an example because that's one of the things that has brought me to such a low point in my own self-regard.

Two other things that I think are very important - one, getting out of your own head and serving others will do wonders for your soul and your ability to care for yourself. In caring for others, you will start to learn to care for yourself. Two... I appreciate Mackat's quote of the NA/AA saying, "We'll love you until you learn to love yourself" - fellowship with others can and does prop you up when you have nothing to give yourself. Eventually, if you work at it, you will learn how to like yourself.

I wish you the courage to walk down this path with me and with so many others... you are worthy. One day, with work, you will know that.

Take care,
--anne

[angelgirl]

Thanks much for all the info. I went through it, but will go through it again much slower... I have struggled with this my entire life. It feels as though I was born not liking myself, I know that is not possible, but I learned at a young age, I remember the trouble, problems I caused myself in school, due to this. No matter how popular, or if I was going out witht he best looking guy, didn't matter, I did not like me. I believe it has taken me this long to figure out, through many self-inflicted problems, that no one can make me like me, it has to come from the inside... I have to learn something I lost before I can even remember. This problem is HUGE for me, and I will be doing alot of work on it, my sobriety/life is at stake.
Again, thanks so much all of you, I will not waste the advice Luv, Becky

[Gabe]

Originally Posted by angelgirl

I have to learn something I lost before I can even remember.

That is a really good point Becky.
I don't think we are born not liking ourselves.
I think it's something we acquire along the way.
And "unlearning" learned behavior can be difficult.
But we can do it.
Part of it is replacing those old negative thought patterns with positive ones.
I still have to work on that one every day.