What can I change?

If there is anything we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could be better changed in ourselves.
--Carl Jung

Children are smart. Remember how we used to imitate our parents' behavior? We'd dress up like them, mimic their words, even copy their attitudes. We wanted to be just like them because we thought they were the most wonderful people in the world. We can see this happen all around us, younger ones imitating parents, older brothers and sisters, and older friends. It's very flattering.

The problem is that children imitate not just healthy behavior and attitudes, but also sometimes the not-so-healthy. We get very uncomfortable when we look at a younger person misbehaving and see ourselves in that person. Suddenly, we aren't flattered any more.

When we see things we don't like in others, we must first look at ourselves to see if we need changing. This is all we can do--change ourselves. Others may follow our example or they may not, but we can be sure that, when we watch our own behavior, most of what we see of ourselves in others will be flattering.

What change can I make in myself to set a good example today?

[Dan]

Mmmmm...
Made a change already.
Thanks Doug.

[cleoantony]

That is so true, however it is so hard to do and to realize! For example, my SO is addicted to crack and the behavior he exhibits is horrendous, and it drives me crazy. I am constantly enabling him by picking him up after a run, feeding him, and giving him a place to sleep. I am just trying to help him. What do I need to change in myself that I see in him?


Please give me feedback! I know I am codependent, but.....

[Ann]

Cleoantony

You asked and I cannot decide for you, but perhaps you see addiction in yourself also, to him. I am a codependent mother of an addict, and it took me some time to discover that I was as addicted to him, to saving him and changing him, as he was to his drug. Amazing lightbulb moment when I realized that, because that's when I realized that whether he sought help or not, I needed help for myself, and thus began my recovery.

Please feel free to join us on the Nar-Anon boards also, where you will meet many others just like you and I.

When we see things we don't like in others, we must first look at ourselves to see if we need changing. This is all we can do--change ourselves.

I needed to read that this morning, needed to remind myself that if I cannot change my circumstances, I need to change my attitude and that brings it all back to me and choices of how I will live.

Thanks, Doug.

Hugs
Ann

[learningstudent]

coming from a young adult perspective, i think as a parent all you guys can do is do what you think is best. be there for them, support them, punish when appropriate and they will turn out just right. go with your gut... thinking too hard about it might ruin your natural instinct. plus, i'm sure you're a great father already doug.