Gossip - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

**Ann** · 03-19-2005, 06:04 PM

Gossip

Intimacy is that warm gift of feeling connected to others and enjoying our connection to them.

As we grow in recovery, we find that gift in many, sometimes surprising places. We may discover weve developed intimate relationships with people at work, with friends, with people in our support groups - sometimes with family members. Many of us are discovering intimacy in a special love relationship.

Intimacy is not sex, although sex can be intimate. Intimacy means mutually honest, warm, caring, safe relationships - relationships where the other person can be who he or she is and we can be who we are - and both people are valued.

Sometimes there are conflicts. Conflict is inevitable. Sometimes there are troublesome feelings to work through. Sometimes the boundaries or parameters of relationships change. But there is a bond - one of love and trust.

There are many blocks to intimacy and intimate relationships. Addictions and abuse block intimacy. Unresolved family of origin issues prevents intimacy. Controlling blocks intimacy. Off balance relationships, where there is too great a discrepancy in power, prevent intimacy. Caretaking can block intimacy. Nagging, withdrawing, and shutting down can hurt intimacy.

So can a simple behavior like gossip - for example, gossiping about another for motives of diminishing him or her in order to build up ourselves or to judge the person. To discuss another persons issues, shortcomings, or failures with someone else will have a predictable negative impact on the relationship.

We deserve to enjoy intimacy in as many of our relationships as possible. We deserve relationships that have not been sabotaged.

That does not mean we walk around with our heads in the clouds; it means we strive to keep our motives clean when it comes to discussing other people.

If we have a serious issue with someone, the best way to resolve it is to bring the issue to that person.

Direct, clean conversation clears the air and paves the way for intimacy, for good feelings about ourselves and our relationships with others.

Today, God, help me let go of my fear of intimacy. Help me strive to keep my communications with others clean and free from malicious gossip. Help me work toward intimacy in my relationships. Help me deal as directly as possible with my feelings.

03-19-2005, 06:30 PM

Good post Ann.

Though it wasn't what I was expecting when I saw the title.

Gabe · 03-19-2005, 06:37 PM

Me either, I thought there was going to be good dirt in here.

abtchonamission · 03-19-2005, 06:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ann

Sometimes there are conflicts. Conflict is inevitable. Sometimes there are troublesome feelings to work through. Sometimes the boundaries or parameters of relationships change. But there is a bond - one of love and trust.

I like this a lot, Ann. It gives me something to think about, knowledge of one more thing to work on - figuring out how that bond can work when trust wavers so often. I keep thinking that I've found something that will give me a little peace of mind, then, something silly and stupid has me going waaaaaaaaaay back to before I came here, and driving around trying to figure out the why, what, and where. I swear, I may joke about poor math skills, but sometimes when I add 2+2 it's 4, other time, my codependency kicks me in the teeth and makes me believe that 2+2 is closer to 1,000. Or maybe its just that some days are better than others - what is it you told me before - give it 2 days? I hope I can make 1+1 equal out to 2 on that!

Do we have a smiley that smacks itself in the head with a skillet?

Sorry for rambling, this was a great post and really got me thinking about things I haven't let myself.

**Ann** · 03-19-2005, 06:48 PM

We can joke about gossip, and we may even be guilty of gossiping, but the thing about gossip is that it hurts people, often innocent people who have done no wrong.

Anything that hurts people is not good entertainment.

Hugs
Ann

Ideal · 03-19-2005, 07:04 PM

The best advice I've heard on the topic of gossip...

let it stop with me/you/us!

Take care and God bless...

Dan · 03-19-2005, 07:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by abtchonamission

Do we have a smiley that smacks itself in the head with a skillet?

I don't think so, but I can make one for you if you really need one that bad Trisha...

abtchonamission · 03-19-2005, 07:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DangerousDan

I don't think so, but I can make one for you if you really need one that bad Trisha...

Gabe · 03-19-2005, 07:27 PM

Trisha, best I could do on short notice.
Oops, I'm usurping Dan, shame on me.

abtchonamission · 03-19-2005, 07:31 PM

It's okay Gabe, I think he'll cut you some slack - I love it, by the way. I'll have to use it regularly, at least for a bit.

Thank you.

Jon · 03-19-2005, 07:39 PM

Next up.....Sarcasm!

Tapery · 03-19-2005, 07:57 PM

Here is an interesting article on the subject:

http://www.aish.com/family/mensch/St...ashon_Hara.asp

polkadot · 03-19-2005, 11:49 PM

thanks tapery for the article. me and two other are doing a presentation about the effects of gossip in the workplace. i just emailed this to my two friends doing the presentation with me. we are going to add it to the power point we are doing. thanks a lot...dot

Tapery · 03-20-2005, 05:32 AM

Dot,
You are welcome. When I first learned of this teaching it surprised me but on reflection it didnâ€™t surprise me at all. I think it is compassionate and a sound rule for being part of a healthy community.

I am glad you can use it.

Marsha

BubbaBob · 03-20-2005, 05:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ann

We can joke about gossip, and we may even be guilty of gossiping, but the thing about gossip is that it hurts people, often innocent people who have done no wrong.

Anything that hurts people is not good entertainment.

Hugs
Ann

On the other hand, there is the AA saying (geeze I HATE sayings, but this one is true) "It's none of my business what you think of me."

Think about it. Regardless of what one says about you, actions speak louder than words. How we act...what we do...what we say...speaks far louder than what someone might say about us. That is one reason another AA saying (did I mention that I HATE sayings?) is terribly important to me. "Do the next right thing." Someone talking about your sleeping around habits, lying habits, stealing habits, etc. carries no weight if you don't sleep around, lie, steal, etc.

On the other hand, if you do sleep around, lie, steal, etc. it's not gossip...it the truth and good information for someone to have to protect themself.

BubbaBob

**Ann** · 03-20-2005, 06:35 AM

Bubba

You're absolutely right, I am not repsonsible for what others say about me.

But I am responsible for what I say about others, and I cannot expect respect from anyone unless I am willing to give the same respect to others. A lesson I am still learning, by the way.

Hugs
Ann

GoldenGutters · 03-20-2005, 10:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ann

We can joke about gossip, and we may even be guilty of gossiping, but the thing about gossip is that it hurts people, often innocent people who have done no wrong.

Anything that hurts people is not good entertainment.

Hugs
Ann

Thank you for this thread Ann.

This is one area I definatly need to work on. As soon as I hear people gossipin' at work BAM!!! I'm in the middle of it. Interesting thing is, I always feel dirty after (that whole insanity thing again, I fear...doing things over and over expecting different results) Anyways, thanks again.

03-19-2005, 06:04 PM	#1 (permalink)
Ann Forum Leader Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: By The Lake Posts: 25,192	Gossip Gossip Intimacy is that warm gift of feeling connected to others and enjoying our connection to them. As we grow in recovery, we find that gift in many, sometimes surprising places. We may discover weve developed intimate relationships with people at work, with friends, with people in our support groups - sometimes with family members. Many of us are discovering intimacy in a special love relationship. Intimacy is not sex, although sex can be intimate. Intimacy means mutually honest, warm, caring, safe relationships - relationships where the other person can be who he or she is and we can be who we are - and both people are valued. Sometimes there are conflicts. Conflict is inevitable. Sometimes there are troublesome feelings to work through. Sometimes the boundaries or parameters of relationships change. But there is a bond - one of love and trust. There are many blocks to intimacy and intimate relationships. Addictions and abuse block intimacy. Unresolved family of origin issues prevents intimacy. Controlling blocks intimacy. Off balance relationships, where there is too great a discrepancy in power, prevent intimacy. Caretaking can block intimacy. Nagging, withdrawing, and shutting down can hurt intimacy. So can a simple behavior like gossip - for example, gossiping about another for motives of diminishing him or her in order to build up ourselves or to judge the person. To discuss another persons issues, shortcomings, or failures with someone else will have a predictable negative impact on the relationship. We deserve to enjoy intimacy in as many of our relationships as possible. We deserve relationships that have not been sabotaged. That does not mean we walk around with our heads in the clouds; it means we strive to keep our motives clean when it comes to discussing other people. If we have a serious issue with someone, the best way to resolve it is to bring the issue to that person. Direct, clean conversation clears the air and paves the way for intimacy, for good feelings about ourselves and our relationships with others. Today, God, help me let go of my fear of intimacy. Help me strive to keep my communications with others clean and free from malicious gossip. Help me work toward intimacy in my relationships. Help me deal as directly as possible with my feelings. __________________ “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” ~Winnie the Pooh~

03-19-2005, 06:48 PM	#5 (permalink)
Ann Forum Leader Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: By The Lake Posts: 25,192	We can joke about gossip, and we may even be guilty of gossiping, but the thing about gossip is that it hurts people, often innocent people who have done no wrong. Anything that hurts people is not good entertainment. Hugs Ann __________________ “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” ~Winnie the Pooh~

03-19-2005, 07:31 PM	#10 (permalink)
abtchonamission Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: In the mountain air Posts: 1,345	It's okay Gabe, I think he'll cut you some slack - I love it, by the way. I'll have to use it regularly, at least for a bit. Thank you. __________________ Faith... When you come to the end of all the light you know and you are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.

03-19-2005, 07:39 PM	#11 (permalink)
Jon But Very, Very Bruisable... Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Palm Springs, Ca. Posts: 548	Next up.....Sarcasm! __________________ Have A Great 24 -jon

03-19-2005, 07:57 PM	#12 (permalink)
Tapery Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: USA Posts: 56	lashon hara Here is an interesting article on the subject: http://www.aish.com/family/mensch/St...ashon_Hara.asp __________________ Never turn your back on the ocean.

03-19-2005, 06:30 PM	#2 (permalink)
Doug Guest Posts: n/a	Good post Ann. Though it wasn't what I was expecting when I saw the title.

03-19-2005, 06:37 PM	#3 (permalink)
Gabe Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 4,955	Me either, I thought there was going to be good dirt in here.

03-19-2005, 07:04 PM	#6 (permalink)
Ideal Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Canada Posts: 33	The best advice I've heard on the topic of gossip... *let it stop with me/you/us!* Take care and God bless...

03-19-2005, 07:27 PM	#9 (permalink)
Gabe Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 4,955	Trisha, best I could do on short notice. Oops, I'm usurping Dan, shame on me.

03-19-2005, 11:49 PM	#13 (permalink)
polkadot Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: somewhere Posts: 82	gossip thanks tapery for the article. me and two other are doing a presentation about the effects of gossip in the workplace. i just emailed this to my two friends doing the presentation with me. we are going to add it to the power point we are doing. thanks a lot...dot __________________

03-20-2005, 05:32 AM	#14 (permalink)
Tapery Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: USA Posts: 56	Dot, You are welcome. When I first learned of this teaching it surprised me but on reflection it didnâ€™t surprise me at all. I think it is compassionate and a sound rule for being part of a healthy community. I am glad you can use it. Marsha __________________ Never turn your back on the ocean.

03-20-2005, 06:35 AM	#16 (permalink)
Ann Forum Leader Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: By The Lake Posts: 25,192	Bubba You're absolutely right, I am not repsonsible for what others say about me. But I am responsible for what I say about others, and I cannot expect respect from anyone unless I am willing to give the same respect to others. A lesson I am still learning, by the way. Hugs Ann __________________ “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” ~Winnie the Pooh~

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