emotional neediness/ a desire for intimacy

[AllThatGlitters]

Is it wrong to want intimacy with someone?

I find that I'm emotionally needy, and I tend to drive people away because of it. I don't call people and harrass them, or stalk them or anything. I'm not like that. I think people can just sense it about me. It really hurts me, because more than most people I need intimacy, but I'm one of the few that never ever gets it despite the fact that I want it. It seems like I'm always alone, despite the multitude of superficial friends that I have. I rarely if ever experience a connection with anyone. People tend to put me down and be very critical of me once I let myself be vulnerable to them, I think because I'm so needy and it annoys them. And so I stick to being superficial friends with people. Nobody I talk to knows anything about me, actually. I never talk about my past or anything personal, just pointless crap.

I found out today that my sister doesn't really like me, and while I acted nonchalant about it, it actually really hurt me. It never occurred to me that she didn't like me.

Anyway, I'm really sorry if this sounds whiny and self-pitying, I'm just stating the facts. I actually don't feel that sad about it, just a little bit. I've pretty much accepted it.

I'm just wondering, is there anything I can do about it??

[Gabe]

My book of the month is John O'Donohue's "Eternal Echoes".
In that book, he says...
"Everyone longs for intimacy and dreams of a nest of belonging in which one is embraced, seen and loved."
I like his title.
I think this is our eternal echo.
And I think part of recovery is building a nest of our own that becomes a good place for intimacy to land.
All we can do is focus on our own inner light.
If we cultivate a rich soil in our soul, the right seeds eventually get planted.

[learningstudent]

AllThatGlitters, EVERYONE need affection. some more than others, but everyone does. it seems like you might want to let someone in again, but are too afraid to get hurt again. love hurts. it also makes people happy and **** even if it does end bad we can all learn from it. is there anywhere that you have interaction with prospective romance relationships? sorry i couldn't be of more help, but we are all in that boat. i know i am.

[51anna]

Something that I learned the long and hard way is that you need to like and love yourself before other people can like and love you. I used to wonder why people wouldn't become close to me and I realized that since I didn't like myself, the vibes I was putting out were negative and people can sense that.

Love, Anna

[minnie]

Originally Posted by AllThatGlitters

Is it wrong to want intimacy with someone?

No, but it's not healthy to want emotional intimacy with anyone.

[Gabe]

Originally Posted by minnie

No, but it's not healthy to want emotional intimacy with anyone.

Ah, excellent point Minnie.

[AllThatGlitters]

I definitely don't want intimacy with just anyone. I just find it odd that I don't have it with ANYONE. ya know??

gotta run, post more later perhaps
thanks you guys, i'll respond more later
julia

[lar]

hii all that glitters. i just read your post and my husband said, "do about it-its the people who can't be intimate that need to do something about it". i would be happy to be your friend. i had done a lot of good therapy, so i am comfortable with lettinbg myself be known, and enjoy knowing another. life is boring when intimacy is not a part of daily life. i think people who are in touch with their feelings are less likely to use what they know about you, when they get mad. i have gotten frustrated about the lack of people that can be "real" and "honest" , in other words -- relational. send me a pm, if you like.
barb

[Ann]

I think we all need intimacy, and we all are a little emotionally needy. I don't see anything wrong with that, as long as care is taken filling those needs and not letting ourselves be vulnerable.

Not all our emotional needs can be filled by ourselves, at least that's the way it works for me. I'm not going to trip over the wants/needs thing, but for me I need encouragement, support, love and validation. I may not find it, and I will survive without it, but my life would be a lot nicer with it available. To me it goes hand in hand with intimacy, and together this is something that enhances my life and who I am. I can live without it, but I prefer to live with it.

Just my thoughts.

Hugs
Ann

[Gabe]

I agree with Ann.
I think it's a lofty idea to think that we can be self-sufficient emotionally.
Emotional validation is important on so many levels.
We were not put here to be cave dwellers who only take care of ourselves.
We were put here to give and receive.
It's finding the balance between those two that gets tricky.
It's also about surrounding yourself with appropriate people, who are willing or able to give as much as they get.

[Andy F]

Hi Julia

Nothing wrong with wanting intimacy. And nothing wrong with going through phases when it is not available, doesn't mean it's forever.
.
I think sometimes it helps to identify more specifically what you want - not necessarily here, but with a pen - what kind of intimacy do you want, with who? etc.

I have always been a bit of a hopeless git with women, but I have learnt fidelity - long live sad hopeless gits who fall in love at the drop of a hat. We rock.

[Gabe]

Originally Posted by Andy F

long live sad hopeless gits who fall in love at the drop of a hat. We rock.

Amen.
I'm so glad you're here Andy.

[AllThatGlitters]

Thanks, guys. Ann, I really liked your post and I agree with it whole-heartedly. I used to think that I had a problem with being emotionally needy and I worked on it in therapy, and I still think I am, but ironically enough, every therapist I've ever had (minus two-- but still, that's a lot, haha) has said that I never appear overly needy. Not that I appear detached, either, i just don't appear needy. So, maybe it's more like other people are not comfortable needing, and I and a few others are not. For example, I was seeing a guy who told me I was too needy for wanting physical affection one time. Not all the time, just once. It was the first time I ever tried to hold him in bed (sorry if that's really personal). I think, in this case, he was the one with neediness issues and not me. But I'll be damned if I don't consistently pick guys like that!! That's definitely a problem for me, if nothing else is. Which is probably why I've never had a real, committed boyfriend. I think the type of people that I fall in love with are just really bad for me and they make me appear overly-needy, when in fact if I were with someone normal, I wouldn't appear so needy. Does that make sense??? Am I just rambling irrationally or am I being clear?

And Andy-- haha, I have no problem falling in love-- it's falling out of love that is impossible!! Yay for romantics!! (We sure do live in the wrong century, though, at least I think so.)

[Ann]

Another side of this begs the question why we sometimes choose people who are emotionally unavailable. I have a friend (really I do, LOL) who is a wonderful person and any man would be blessed to share a life with her. She has everything going for her, including a healthy mentality and attitude, yet over and over she chooses to fall in love with men who are not available in one way or another. She knows this, yet continues the pattern even though she has met and could have a relationship with any number of healthy available men.

My guess is that there is something deep inside that is afraid of a real relationship, with all the give and take, and commitment that is required. She is not mine to fix, but this thread reminded me of her and it made me think of why people do fall into this trap.

Hugs
Ann

[Gabe]

I think we all have a deep need to belong.
Somewhere, with someone, with a group.
Sometimes we make bad choices about where it is that we belong.
Maybe we want to belong there, and we really don't.
Or maybe people make us feel like we belong, only later to cast us aside because we no longer suit their purpose.
But our need to belong is deep and true.
We just need to find the right place.
Sometimes, that isn't an easy task.
I'm wondering if all we need to do is trust our need to belong and make better choices as we walk the road.