Staying In The Fight

[HenryB]

Hello Everyone,

I am henryb and new to this board. I will have 10 years of continuous sobriety this May 19th and things have begun to heat up for me. I have not attended a meeting in just over a year but challenges are arising that prompts me to seek experienced guidance.

This is where I am now. I'm from California and have lived here in New Jersey for the last 6 years. I did a geographic for the sake of my job but feel it was a good move for me because I had too much history in Southern California.

I have bloomed here and prospered greatly for these years without real challenge. That has changed in the last couple of years though because of health issues. I am now taking treatment for Hep C which has been a problem for Viet Nam vets of my era. Since July 17th I have been on Interferon and have dealt well with the treatment even though I am so very tired of feeling ill. I have four more months of treatment to go even though my doctors tell me that the virus has been defeated.

Now on a personal level, I am somewhat trapped in a relationship that I am not feeling. I say trapped because upon bringing my granddaughter to live with me, my personal responsibility has risen greatly. I admit that I basically wanted someone to help and share this life with, but I see now I made a very bad error in judgement choosing this woman.

I say this because of the fact that even when I was part of the streets I always set and worked to achieve certain goals. This lady has no further ambitions for her life and that is the direct opposite of my personality. I know and understand that God is not through with me, thus, I cannot be through seeking HIS will for my life.

Next issue which has arisen suddenly is the old nemisis of the IRS. They have put through an order to garnish my wages. I should be okay with this because I just paid a lawyer late last year to address this issue for me. But as of now, I don't know how this will turn out.

With all of this going on with me and my life, I want to separate from my relationship, but now it is a financial concern. Since my granddaughter has been with me I admit to having spoiled her a bit and she is used to this standard of living that I cannot maintain alone. I know, I can trust in God and make a sudden change, but that change would not only affect me and I don't want to deprive my little one of the opportunities that she has now.

Good home, good school, good friends, exotic vacations and a bit of priviledge. All material things I know, but my little one had a rough first 5 years and I want to make it better. I have in fact, and I know she will be happy just to be with her grandpa, but I would not be happy not being able to show her the finer things in life along with the love we share.

So to sum it all up, after 10 years of relative ease in this thing called sobriety. After years of fighting the ghost with relapse upon relapse, I had no problems until now. This is not to say that I'm in any way considering going back because from the program I learned to play the tape all the way through and not stop at the so-called good times. At the end of the film, they were all horrible. That is not my problem. My problem now is to remained connected to my Higher Power and my principles.

I am at work now and have to go but I will return tomorrow to continue and to receive feedback.

[Time2Surrender]

Hey Joe.Welcome to SoberRecovery.I did the Interferon treatments 3 years ago.I know what your going through.They didnt really affect me much physically.I kept working and going to the gym etc.But mentally? Oh wow.It was hell.I bet a lot of what you are feeling right now is from the interferon.The side effects are a bitch.But for me it paid off.It wiped it out.Hang in there.

[HenryB]

Time2Surrender<SCRIPT type=text/javascript> vbmenu_register("postmenu_458681", true); </SCRIPT> :

Thank you for your response. I admit that as of late I've been going through it. I also have continued to work but I'm real tired these days. That is the other thing that I'm missing and that is working out. I used to wake up and do three miles before getting ready for work. Since I have a pretty well equipted gym in my basement I would lift 3 days a week as well. This is something I have to get back into as soon as possible.

The mental aspects have just hit me and my doctor put me on Zoloff about a week ago. They tell me that it takes a couple of weeks to kick in though. I was talking to my ex this morning, who has 13 years of sobriety and is a Drug Counselor. I told her that mostly I'm mad at all the things going down right now and she fussed at me for feeling that way. She asked me why I'm angry and I told her because all my life I played fast and loose with all aspects of it.

She then asked me if I thought everything would be a bed of roses in sobriety and I honestly answered no I didn't. But, I've been living a good life spiritually and don't even have a lot of the old thoughts anymore, and when I do, I wonder how I ever thought like that. I'm responsible and try to do everything correctly today. Usually it was me who messed things up but today, I am not that person and I guess as she instructed, I have to face the wreckage of my past. The IRS being the main one. As for the Hep C, I have no clue where it came from because I have shot up and toward the end, had a lot of unprotected sex with women I would not even look at today. When my HIV tests came back clean, I believed that was the only health issue I had to face. Then came the diabetes, the high BP, then the Hep C. Like I stated, the Hep could very well be from my military service and vets of my generation are coming down with it at a rapid pace.

The good thing is that I'm not having any relapse thoughts Thank God, but my head is all over the place. I have found that I'm a good corporate hustler, as I once was a good street hustler and don't want to go backwards. That is where I have to maintain a conscious contact because I begin to think about making more money and I can get driven with that.

Anyway, I feel human today and just found out that my lawyers did block the IRS levy on my wages. That took a lot off of me!! I admit that this issue had me real nervous for a few weeks and I was going crazy with fear and then depression. I admit also that thoughts of a double Jack Danials sounded good to me some days when I didn't feel well physically and mentally. But thanks to the Program, I knew the warm cuddly feeling would only last a moment and I would be back to the rat-race which is my addiction. Playing the tape all the way through let me see the damage I would not only do to myself, but my precious little one as well. I can't do that and remain anywhere near the man I've fought to bring forth.

Anyway, thank you for listening.