Earning Back The Trust

[deenrose]

I could not make it to a meeting tonight, so I just basically wanted to express my thoughts. Tonight, I was all alone as my girl goes bowling every Saturday night. Myself, I'm not really into the bowling scene. I'm more of a conrtact sport kind of guy. Anyway, I did some shopping and I still had about two hours before my girl came home. I just did not want to be in the house. I felt like I wanted to be out doing something. I'm new to this area and did not know how to get to the bowling alley. If I had known how to get to the bowling alley, I would have gone.

I mentioned before that I was incarcerated for a long time (8 1/2 years to be exact). Every now and then I just get a strong feeling like I want to just go somewhere. When I was in prison I used to feel like that sometimes. I'd feel like I wanted to just be out in the clean air driving or just taking a walk. It was really maddening sometimes. How I would deal with it was I would get up and pace around the cell. I remember when I was a kid and I went to the zoo. I would see a lion just pacing around in the cage. Just walking back and forth. Thats how I would be in the cell, pacing back and forth. I would feel like screaming, jumping, or just running. Every once in a while that feeling still comes over me.

I called my Cousin and he invited me over to dinner with him and his wife. I was on my way there when I got phone calls from my Mother and then my girl. They both were flipping out because I had left the house. They thought that I was gonna' go on a binge like I did in the past. But, that was the farthest thing from my mind. They gave me a hard time and tried to get me to turn the car around and go back home. I should say that my Cousin does not get high. It would have been good for me to spend some time with him andhis family and then go home. However, when I arrived in his neighborhood I could not find a parking space. Parking in NYC is hectic. My girl gave me such a hassle that I just gave up and went home. I can't fault her because she loves me and only wants the best for me.

I guess that I should feel fortunate to have loved ones who are concerned about me. I just needed to get out of the house. It felt good to be driving on the highway doing 60 mph and blasting the radio. That was therapy in itself for me.

I gave them reason to be worried in the past. But, I honestly don't want to get high anymore. I began to feel so much better once I stopped putting that poison into my body. All of the things that I dreamed about when I was in those cells could be possible. But, none of that would be possible if I was strung out on drugs. I want more out of life than that... I guess that in time my family will see that I don't want that anymore.

[Ann]

deenrose

I am an anon, my son is the addict in my life, and I know that for me it would take a long time to learn to trust again, just as it took a long time to lose the trust. My son is still active, but when he was clean for 3 years, I know that the trust did come back.

My lack of trust, is based on fear, as it is for many, fear of him using again and going through hell one more time, fear of him stealing from me, and fear of the unknown.

It's not a good thing for you or for them, but working together your actions will speak louder than your words ever could. Just as it takes you time to heal, it will take them time to heal also. It's a family disease.

Hugs
Ann

[deenrose]

Thank you for sharing your experiences Ann. It is now 6:45am here in NY. I just read your response. I am trying to speak with my actions. I know that you are right about the fear for my family members. My Mother used to sit and cry when she would visit me in prison. So, for a while I would not allow her to visit me. I would not want to put her through that again. I don't want to put myself through that again. I feel so much better today. Thank you again.

[Ann]

deenrose

I think I need to clarify something. I don't think an addict in recovery, especially an addict who is well on his way in recovery, should have to "pay" for his past behaviour for the rest of his life. Sure, there will be damage and some of it will be irrepairable, but throwing his past at him serves no one well.

Trust is personal, it's about me. I tell my son that I love him and just don't trust the disease and that's the part that takes time. But you don't own that, my son doesn't own that, I own it. My issue to resolve.

Coffee helps me speak more clearly,

Hugs
Ann

deen I can relate to alot of your feelings, know that your not alone.

Earning the trust back is done by our actions and like recovery is done one day at a time. The trust from others does come back, the questions and hints fade away, but just like destroying all that trust took some time to do, so does getting it back.

I used to try to imagine how it felt if the situation were reversed, and that helped me to keep from getting angry about it.

The best thing, (the only thing) we can do, is keep on doing the right thing, and work on being honest. Will it all come back together? Who knows. But if our side of the street is clean, then we will be ok.

I'm glad you posted, and I'm glad your here.

[cj.]

deenrose

I have been clean for 4 1/2 years and there have been times throughout my recovery that my family (especially my children) have given me 'that look'. I realize that it is their fear and concern for me and I am usually quick to address that fear and reassure them that I am OK and just going through some changes. I know that it helps them settle down when I don't become defensive or angry about their feelings.

All the best to you on your journey through recovery.

Peace
cj

[mikee]

Hello Deen, time is the best healer, your family will see this and the trusting
part will come back, being 'patience' was a tough one for me too.

[Dan]

Originally Posted by deenrose

I guess that in time my family will see that I don't want that anymore.

That's what I've been told Deen.
All I can do, on the days when I grieve and yearn for the lost trust, is to be a living, breathing amends, by staying clean and sober, and working to improve the happiness for my loved ones and myself.

[Here4Him]

I am sad to admit that I have done this myself to my husband.
It is really good to see " the other side of the street" and how my actions may have affected him.
I think it is almost a fear of trusting is what it is.
If you remain thinking the worst, then you feel you are better able to survive a relapse maybe??
You sound very grounded and sure of your goals....and I think in time your Mom and gf will see the changes you have made and your desire to be substance-free.
Just remember it is always done out of love and caring for you...and a dash of codependence of course, cus if we keep tabs on you 24/7 we can SAVE you from yourself!!*wink*wink*
My AH is actually at the tail end of a prison sentence and I am going through all of this once again....the fearing to hope for the best....his fear at trying to re-adjust himself to society.
Your post made me realize it CAN be done!!
Good Luck with everything

[HenryB]

This is my opinion and experience with this issue. All you can do is live your life. Especially while in early recovery, I could not focus at all on the wrongs I had done, I just focussed on getting me right.

I had a knock down dragout fight with my oldest boy because I was his hero as he grew and I totally disappointed him and fell from the pedestal he had placed me on. Today, we are once again best friends and he calls and asks for my advice on a number of life issues. I did do an amends to my family, but I did not go out of my way to make them trust me again. I simply lived my life and they were able to see the changes in me.

My ex is the same way and I blamed myself for her going out again. Yet she got clean and sobor three years before me and today is also a near and dear friend even though I put her through the addict's version of hell. She is a drug counselor now and we basically use one another as long-distance sponsors since I took a position in New Jersey and she remains in Southern California.

My daughter is an alcoholic and has issues with almost everyone, but a few years ago, she told me for the first time since she was 13 or so that she loves me. Then my youngest son who has had issues himself, my ex, and my oldest son entrusted my youngest son's daughter with me. The mother is a so called normie, as it applies to drugs and alcohol, but has many oher issues. My ex and daughter had to find the kids and rescue them.

I was totally surprised when they called me and said that they needed me to step up and take one of the kids. I was like; WHO ME!? Now five years after accepting that responsibility, I would have it no other way and neither would they.

I have learned that no matter how many amends I make, I could not make anyone accept it. So I just did what I had to do and, lived my life according to good principles, and they just naturally drew closer. Remember, we did a lot of lying while out there. We disappointed the ones who love us and broke their hearts. They have no reason to forgive us unless we consistantly show by our actions that we have changed. And then, sometimes their hurt is too deep to go away anytime soon. That is not my business and has no power over me.

I have been truely blessed though because everyone that is important to me has forgiven me, and even tells me from time to time that they're proud of me. When I first got out of prison, no one knew I was there, I stopped by my son's old house. He had moved and bought a home and someone called for me and his wife's first words were, "HOW DOES HE LOOK?" Meaning did I still look like I was out there before inviting me to the house. I would have understood if they hadn't. I would have been hurt, but I still would have gone about the business of doing what I had to do for me.

It's like the old adage of;

I CAN SHOW YOU BETTER THAN I CAN TELL YOU