One step closer..... thanks to you all!!

[_If_]

Wow - I have been reading this forum for going on 7 months now, and only joined and starting posting 9 days ago. If there is anyone else out there that has been reading these forums and debating whether or not to register and post your thoughts and feelings and questions - do it!!! =) Reading the forums gave me many of the answers that I was looking for, but since I have started talking to everyone here two wonderful (and unexpected) things have happened:

1) The sense of community and group is overwhelming. It was wonderful to have people answer the questions that I posted and give me words of encouragement and congratulations. But, what I didn't expect was how good and theraputic it felt to be able to help someone else!!

2) Because of the anonymity of this forum, I have been able to be 100% honest in everything that I have posted, and I found out that up till this point - I have not been 100% honest with myself. Retribution posted a great poem about denial over in the Inspirational sayings forum (Death of Denial), and when I read it it gave me chills. Only now, as I am starting to open up to all of you am I finally breaking the last ropes of denial that have been holding me back and really getting to know the things about myself that I didn't want to know before. These are the core parts of "me" that made me who I was (addict) and stood between me and becoming the person that I can be. Identifying these character traits and the causes for them has truly helped my recovery process.

This brings me to some questions for all of you.... What traits about yourself enabled your addiction? And, do you know what events in your life had a hand in creating those traits? What steps have you taken in your recovery process to address this?

Right now, I am only starting to answer these questions for myself, and will post more as I get further along. But, the answers that I have so far have totally suprised me. Initially I thought I was pre-disposed to addiction - it runs in the family, and I grew up with the results of my father's alcoholism (even though he and my mom divorced when I was three and I have only seen him once since then, many effects of that continue to follow me to this day). However, I am starting to realize that my addictions are just a form of self-destruction brought on by a very low self-esteem, brought on by too many events in my childhood to even begin to name. The interesting thing is, I no longer have a low self-esteem. So, why did my addictions continue? I think since I never identified "self-destruction brought on by low self-esteem" as the beginning point of my downward spiral, ao when it was fixed, my addictions had just become such a habit they didn't need a catalyst anymore. They had taken on a life of their own. Sorry to bore you with the long post, but I guess my point is now that I know the cause, maybe the effect is preventable.

[Time2Surrender]

If, Welcome to SR.I am glad you decided to join after lurking around.Yes,this is a great place.Are you going to meetings yet? You will find the answers to many of your questions and the solutions by working the steps.

[Evanna]

I am real glad you started posting. You are way too articulate to be keeping quiet. I have read some of your posts and for me you have provided words to things that i knew but previously had no language to describe. In particular, i am thinking of what you had to say on 'functionality' whilst using. You touched me somewhere very deep and gave me words to know what i do not want. Those same words help me understand what i do differently now.

Thank-you so much.
Best Wishes
Evanna.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Well,

itt was divine intervention that brought me here. I clicked on favorites and this site appeared. I kid you not. I wasn't even trying to find an AA site when, i found this one. I'm akways putting little posts on the newcomer site telling people to join. I'm glad, we have mods on the boards. i wason Sober City b 4 I came in here. Had some guy tryin to stir crap. This isn't AA as far as New York is concerned. This site does help to promote the 12 step program. I've read some posts on here bout Rational Recovery. This might help people as well.

As far as what put me here. I imagine, at the time of my early involvement with drugs and drink was peer pressure. That didn't hold true at the end. Drinking was my coping to situations as people places and things.

As far as getting totally honest. There are things that should only b told to ones sponser and the God of his understanding.
I've been sober longer then a lot of people in here and not as long as others. The main reason that anyone that's stayed is to share their ESH with any one new coming in. You get what you give


God Bless

Chris

[_If_]

Time, Evanna, Chris - Thanks all =)

Time - I am still on the fence about meetings. The more and more I think about it, I really think the reason I don't go is because I am intimidated at the thought of facing a roomfull of people. (Or maybe that is just another excuse my mind is handing me). I am not sure. I haven't shelved the idea yet, and honestly am listening to everyone's suggestions!

Evanna - thanks for the words of encouragement!! I am really glad that I could help and thanks for listening! =)

Chris - thanks for sharing, you are a great encourager, and I enjoy your input.

As to the honesty thing, I just took one more step, and this was the hardest one so far. I called my sisters and told them everything. They (my sisters and my mom) knew I was using last January, but I downplayed it, told them I quit, and never spoke of it again, and they never asked. That was last April. I guess I had done a better job than I thought of keeping things quiet (of course, the 1200 miles between us helped a bit too), because they were completely suprised by my admission. They were totally supportive (after a good cry between all of us) and have promised to be more active in checking up on me too. And they asked me to pass on a special thanks and God Bless to all of you for the assistance you have given me and others!! They are all nurses, and I passed the SR URL on to them. They will definitely hand it out to anyone they come into contact with that might need it =)

Love you all!!!

[Don W]

If, I'm glad you decided to post. Like you might have thought, I used to think " What could I offer? Because of low self esteem we feel nobody would want to listen to us. Well, as you've found out, that is wrong. Everyone of us are at different levels, so we have experence, strength and hope for somebody. Those new help remind people around for awhile how bad it was, lest we forget and drink. Those around for awhile share hope and the idea that things can get better. Regaurdless of time nobody is any better or worse than the other. We all have a roll, even if we don't know it. Sometimes we don't find out for months or ever the positive impact we have on other's recovery. This is also true with a negitive impact. This is why we need to choose our words in order to help. I can tell you, many times I've recieved help from an unexpected source. Even those still out there have given me words of wisdom. One man drunk, covered with human waste and homeless told me once, and the words ring louder now than when first spoken.
" DON'T EVER COME BACK TO THIS LIFE OF THE LIVING DEAD", He told me. Don W