learning to live drug free one day at a time

[deenrose]

This is my first time posting anything on this site. I feel like I need to reach out to people who I can relate to. Maybe I will get some good positive feed back. I realize that obstaining from getting high is something that I can't do alone.

To be honest, I've known jails and institutions. I was released from prison six months ago. I served 8 1/2 years straight. I'm finished with that and I feel like I paid my debt to society. I had a problem with cocaine years ago and that is why I went to prison for the crime of robbery in the first degree.

While in prison, I got high for my first two years. Anybody who has ever been in prison knows that there are plenty of drugs there too. However, I made a decision to stop getting high while there. So, I basically stopped for my last six years. I say basically, because I still smoked a little weed every now and then. I now realize that I was only fooling myself. I'll get back to that later.

Since my release, I've started to dabble a little in Cocaine once again. I've had four slips. When I get high I really go overboard. I spend a whole bunch of money and I stay out for days basically getting high and wandering the streets. I don't do it dailly. A few weeks or even a month may pass betweem binges. I know that I am not any better than a person who uses on a daily basis because my use and abuse of Cocaine is causing distuption in my life in a big way.

I don't want to continue doing this and after each time I have felt like ****. I guess that is a good thing. But I failed to take recovery seriously. I underestimated the true nature of addiction. I allowed my mind to play tricks on me and I began to fool myself. I told myself that I could use every now and then moderately and enjoy myself within limits. Was I the fool. This last time that I went out on one of my binges I stayed away from home for a period of two days. This was this past Friday and Saturday. I also shut off my cell phone and no one could contact me. Of course this frustrating to my family and friends.

I keep hearing the same thing from my family. They say, "How could you have spent so much time in prison and get involved with this crap?" I guess is because I failed to keep things green and I did not take the nature of addiction seriously. I now accept the fact that I am an addict. It's a hard thing for me to admit because it feels embarrassing. But, it's a hard trith. Im just the type of person who has to obstain from all mood and mind altering substances. I can't take any of that poison into my system. If I do it could have very serious consequences.

I've decided to take things a little more seriously. I will confide in my Counselor more than I have, I will stay away from what I know to be triggers for me, I will seek out new friends, and I have made a pledge to myself that I will not get high... I will do this one day at a time.

I need advice. Is anyone out there?

[Grimnar]

Hi Deen -

I cannot speciffically relate to you as coke was not my drug of choice. And I have never had trouble with the law. And being sober is new to me.

I've decided to take things a little more seriously. I will confide in my Counselor more than I have, I will stay away from what I know to be triggers for me, I will seek out new friends, and I have made a pledge to myself that I will not get high... I will do this one day at a time.

I think you have nailed it here.

Take some risks. You are worth it. Please keep coming back. I know it helps me to post here.

All my best to you.

[Grimnar]

And be sure and visit The Men's Room!

[deenrose]

Hello Back Grimnar:

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I really appreciate it. This morning I awoke feeling pretty good. I jumped down on the floor and began to do some pushups. I figure that if the mind and body are in cohesion, that that would be a good thing.

Hope to hear from you again...

Deen....

[na4today]

Meetings, meetings, meetings...then go to some more.

I think if you feel embarrassed to admit that you are an addict, you haven't accepted it yet. As soon as I admitted that I was an addict, I accepted that as fact. Today I am proud to say I am a grateful recovering addict. This has been a long process and I am happy where I am today. Don't know much about prison, just what my husband has told me but I sure hope you don't go back there.

Keep coming back......na4today

[Time2Surrender]

Deenrose,welcome to SR.Stick around,this is a great place.

[Dan]

Hi Deen, and welcome.
I'm an addict too. Plenty of crime, but never did any time. Blind luck. Or not. I might have sobered up a lot earlier. Hard to tell.
This line from your post struck me...
When I get high I really go overboard.

As I understand my addiction, at this point anyway, that's the simplest way of expressing who I am, in relation to substances. I just can't have a drink or a toot and stop there. Never could. But man did I try!
I quit coke about fifteen years ago. Cold. Thought I was superman. Only took a few years for chronic alcoholism to be my daily gig. So yeah, for some of us, it's all mind altering substances.
I'm glad you're on the outside, and I'm glad you came in here.
We don't have to go back to the prisons. The concrete ones, and those in our minds.

[Struggling2live]

Welcome to the board :hello2 .Its great to see youre reaching out for help.
You'll find alot of support here as I have.

Stay strong!

[Gooch]

they say that "the last to leave is the stigma of being an addict"

been nearly 14 years since I last got high..

experienced the freedom from active addiction and even have hours and sometimes days of freedom from self.

I'm reasonably sure by the phrases and words in ypur post, your no stranger to the Basic Text. While physical health is a worthwhile endeavor and a keen mind a wonderful tool, theres an aspect to this recovery thats spiritual and can only occur when hearts conect.

Glad you are here. You know what you need to do.

[Cathy31]

NA meetings will really, really help you. Please consider looking them up?

I'm really glad you are here - keep coming back, okay?

And a BIG welcome!

Cathy31
x

[3legacy]

DeenRose :hello2 :
Halo Deen, I'm here and I been there (down) too. Yip plenty of cocktail supplies in the joint. It's also tough for some to attend meetings while on the inside cause ... "you don't want to lose your GAME Face". I think I understand where your coming from and where you've been. You don't have to stay where you presently are either.

I stayed active for the past dozen or so years in an AA group called "Freedom Seekers" that meets in a WA State Dept. of Corrections workcamp facility. I used to do some meetings at Clallam Bay Correctional Center, Twin Rivers and a few others as well. Nice to hear the gates shut when the meetings over and I was heading home instead of to the hole. Brought back some memories and reminders of why I've stayed active carrying the AA message to others in facilities I once "survived".

Today, I live instead of just surviving. Just got off the phone with a friend of mine who is helping to organize the first AA Convention to be held within a WA State Prison Facility. What a gift to be able to LIVE today instead of just surviving inside the razor-wired walls, glass, & fenced confines of our own making. I stay in regular touch with a few guys I had 12 Stepped over the past dozen years. Never seen a single one who had thoroughly followed our AA path use the Dept. of Corrections revolving doors ever again.

However, I've seen plenty who have not put efforts and focus into the solution when they've returned to the same facilities they had left only months before. One gentleman in particular is back at Freedom Seekers for the third time since I've been a small part of that Group. He was also my "celly" at the Onion Factory during the riots about 20 some years ago. I know I have aged quite a bit since then but he is a reminder of the old saying ........ But for the Grace of God there go I.

AA, as well as Prisons, have revolving doors. AA, you can come and go. Prison, its not quite the same as you well know. But many never make it back to seek freedom on the inside, or on the outside. Fatalistic, but true and I'm not here to blow smoke up anyones ..., well you know.

Hope to hear back from you soon and possibly even meet livetime in the chatroom. Welcome to Sober Recovery. Remember when white water rafting and our raft tips over ............. it's suggested you learn to swim so you can participate in your own recovery.

For me, I take along this life-preserver :tri when I am going swimming, skydiving or to do whatever else I am doing.


...........no matter where I go.

3 Legacy
yeah right.......... I did it over and over again ............

[Dan]

How's today Deen?