Heavy Heart today

[jennie@weldings]

Having a really heavy day today with thoughts of my ex pulling me down. I know I have to go through all this but its not an easy time. I am looking forward to my meeting tonight as that always lifts the spirit back up. I am trying to stay focused to work but my alcoholic mind goes into "I wonder what he is doing, where is he, is he thinking of me at all, does he miss me?" gosh its hard. Letting go and letting god is paramount in my thoughts. Does anyone out there ever have these feelings
Jennie

[Heather1222]

My boyfriend dumped me and through me out a little over 3 months ago. I definitely had those feelings u are having. We didnt speak for 2 weeks and I had visions of him doing ungodly things that never happened. The alcoholic/addict mind tends to create some silly scenarios sometimes. Just give those thoughts to god. I know it sounds cheesy but it really works. I have a god box that i write down all my problems on paper and put them in the box for god. Try it..........

[jennie@weldings]

Heather thank you for that - I like your idea of the God Box I will do that when I get home from work. You know its just so good to know there is people going through the same thing that I can talk to and maybe have a laugh. Laughter is such good medicine dont you think. I hate being in a pity party.

[bikewench]

Jennie...

I miss someone a lot today as well. I have an itchy finger that keeps wanting to press certain buttons ... but... all that will do is knock the hell out of me again when there is no or little response.


One foot in front of the other. That's what I'm doing today.

[Grimnar]

I have been there where I have lost a friend. Some days all I want to do is send emails hoping they will reply. But I realized I cannot do that anymore.

[bikewench]

He never shuts a door he does not open a window - even if the window leads to a path we would not have chosen.

This isn't about the other person.

This is about me.

My control. My neediness. My abandonment issues.

sigh....

I can feel my anger building. Flashes of rage creep in.

Does he know? No
Does he care? No.. cause he doesn't know.
Is it wasted energy? Yes.. because I am cycling now and can feel the pressure building to make a move....

So.. what will I do instead?
I will read here... and write...
I will go eat something.
I will be thankful that I am warm and safe and out of the freezing rain.
I will trust in God's will for him and I.

[jennie@weldings]

Wow what amazing suggestions you all have and it all helps so much thank you. I went to my AA meeting last night and realised the raging in me to contact my ex is just my sickness working inside me. It has passed today but I always have to be aware of what I am capable of in my "down" days. I guess if you truely love someone and they need to be set free then that is what you must do - dam!!!!

[CAPTAINZING2000]

U Do Have To Let Go!!!! For What Ever Reason, Your Ex May Or Maynot B Pushin Your Buttons. Get The Drink Out Of Your Mind The, Work On A Relationship. The Emotions Are All Whacked Out When You Get Sober. Don't Let What Your Ex May Or May Not B Doing Cause You To Go Back Out. God Has A Plan For You. Stay Sober, Trust God, Clean House And Help Others. This Is The Key To A Happy Life

Stay On Here And Keep Posting It Will Get Better

Chris

[Gooch]

as addicts we tend to have some standard patterns.

past tense resentments

our solution is forgiveness

present tense anger

solution love

future tense fear

solution faith.

the core of our disease is selfcenterdness

any time I find myself going over and over stuff from yesterday or ten years ago I can forgive. Once I forgive i can forget and don't have to be preoccupied with replaying what might have been.

When I feel the adrenaline and passion of being upset because things are'nt going my way i can get out of myself with trying to act in a manner inspired by selfless love.

When the knot in my stomache balls up from the fear of how things might turn out I let go and let God hash out the details and work on becoming ready to accept the reality of the future. Faith is knowing as sure as the sun will shine again, I can pull myself back into the here and now and take care of whats in front of me without having to get high.

And whenever I need help remembering these things I can go to a meeting, pick up the phone to call another addict, read the literature of my program, or turn on my computer and come here, or chat with my brothers and sisters in recovery.

[bikewench]

Good words Gooch...

It's comforting to me to know that men go through that as well...



Cause now I have this pleasing mental pic of him twisting and turning in his own emotional hell... hehehe


I'm kidding.
Really... ;o)

[nutz]

Just went thur that this weekend, not as bad as I use to do it.
The APT was a mess It's like that when I'm wacked on the inside.
From some stupid reason, after I wrote in my journal about how
I felt about everything. I started cleaning my APT...wierd.

Yeap, that I love her, I hate her, I love her, I hate her stuff made me NUTZ.
Notcie the cycle ?
First you miss that person (lows)
You remember all the good times.
Then you think, what if this happened or if only I did this or that.
Then you start beating up on yourself.
Then you notice every couple around, You wish you have that
AT the sametime you hate those couples.lol
After you get done with beating up on yourself
Then you start hating that person for their crap !!!
A little bit reality sets in.
If only she did this or that.
Then you go thur...I'll show her. That freanken B*(*cth
Then you'll go thur...ALL WOMEN R THE SAME...I hate them all.lol (insanity)
Life sucking bie**tches. (highs)
Then you get tired, like the steam had been let out, drianed.
Then the same cycle again.
Ain't being clean and sober fun ?.lol

I notice, the more I cried or grieved over my losts,it healed me.
Loosing someone you love is a great lost.
I allowed myself to go thur all these stages and not deny my feelings.
At times I was a lot crazy, sometimes angery, sometimes sad.
It was best that nobody should tell me how I should feel.
Denying my feelings ..thats just more bagage I would have to carry
around.

DON'T PICK UP MORE MATTER WHAT is probably the
only thing that'll save my ass during these times.
I don't take myself too serious during these times.
Alot of going back and forth or un rattling
But a lot of changes or growth, so my perceptions of things
changes after anyhow.
If I don't pick up...The process of healing begins
and whatever lessons I'm suppose learn will deffernently come.lol

Going thur a break up hurts, but by embracing the process
and walking thur it. I knowest my heart gets lighter.
There's so much to learn in this process.
Something like:I lost her, But hey.....It's pretty cool !!! I found me.
And hey....guess what else I found ?

Reading, writing, journaling, keeping close to people in recovery
or good friends and family. Helps but sometimes , they might
try to tell you of feel differnent. Like...she wasn't good for you
and stuff like that. Which hurts even more if you truly love that person.
And somehow can feel stupid for loving and living with that person.
My parents use to do that, It had the opposite effect of what
their intensions was. They learn not to say much anymore, but
just tell me they love me during these times.

And I pray like hell of course.

[Time2Surrender]

Those are good words Gooch.Jennie,I have been through my share of painful break ups too.And I have had the same thoughts and feelings as you myself.All I can say is,it does pass.

[nutz]

If you take notes.
You'll might notice that your thoughts drives your emotions.
The images from the past or what you conjured up or created.
You'll notice little things like Image then feelings follows.

Sometimes you'll notice a deep sinking dark feeling..like you're naked.
It'll come out of no where. it's becuase of a broken heart.
It'll past if you embrace it.

Sometimes you'll notice you can't even lable your feelings.
And you'll attach it to what ever lables of current habits are.
It helped me a lot to just make a list of all the possible
feeling a human can have, which my sponsor suggested to me.
The more I identied my feelings, My recovery was full and wasn't
just boring.
I use to get anger confused with fear.
I use to get peace confused with bordom also.

[bikewench]

Nutz...

Excellent posts.

you'll notice a deep sinking dark feeling..like you're naked.
It'll come out of no where. it's becuase of a broken heart.

A broken heart eh....
I knew it.

This is my conumdrum...
I can have open-handed loving thoughts about the man I'm focused on... and the world seems bright and full of possibilities in spite of hurdles.

Then.. I start wanting it.

Then.. obsessing about making it happen...

And then... the other person doesn't play along.

Gack. How dare they??!!

Now.. I know how stupid this is in my head. But my emotions are totally willing to get right in there and make me pine and be PO'd it isn't happening inspite of this head knowledge.

I know I'm my own worst enemy.

[Dan]

The day I can reconcile my head knowledge with my emotional impulses...
That might be the day chickens fly.
Great thread.

[Phinneas]

Originally Posted by nutz

First you miss that person (lows)
You remember all the good times.
Then you think, what if this happened or if only I did this or that.
Then you start beating up on yourself.
Then you notice every couple around, You wish you have that
AT the sametime you hate those couples.lol
After you get done with beating up on yourself
Then you start hating that person for their crap !!!
A little bit reality sets in.
If only she did this or that.
Then you go thur...I'll show her. That freanken B*(*cth
Then you'll go thur...ALL WOMEN R THE SAME...I hate them all.lol (insanity)
Life sucking bie**tches. (highs)
Then you get tired, like the steam had been let out, drianed.
Then the same cycle again.
Ain't being clean and sober fun ?.lol

I notice, the more I cried or grieved over my losts,it healed me.
Loosing someone you love is a great lost.
I allowed myself to go thur all these stages and not deny my feelings.
At times I was a lot crazy, sometimes angery, sometimes sad.
It was best that nobody should tell me how I should feel.
Denying my feelings ..thats just more bagage I would have to carry
around.

DON'T PICK UP MORE MATTER WHAT

You've said it about a million times better than I ever could have. Thanks for putting into words exactly what I am going through.

Time to talk to some more trees.

jojo

[bikewench]

Time to talk to some more trees.

In your case... shouldn't that be... time to "water" some more trees... ;o)

[jennie@weldings]

Gooch I loved what you said infact everything that has been said has certainly either made me laugh or think very seriously about where I am at. Letting go is definitely a must and stop thinking about "Him". He is no longer my business, I am. I sat today and wrote everything down, all the anger, the sadness, the pain all the accusations, all the if onlys etc. and 11 pages later I finished. I printed it out folded it up and have put it into a box. It will remain there with all the others I guess. It felt good to get it all out. Will go to a meeting again tonight

[Don W]

Hi jennie, Relationships and recovery are tuff. Sadly, they are many times involved with relapse. They can cloud the issue and divert your attention. This time around my wife and I have stayed together. However my first attempt at sobriety ended in my ex-wife leaving with children for another state and husband. The problem was trying to stay sobber for someone alse. I spent all my time at meeting wondering, what was she doing?, who was she with. After 16 years in the regular service and reserves, I resigned so I could spend more time getting her back. Well' after 5 years of recovery, I lost her anyway, I lost all that time in service, 4 years short of 20 years retirement. They all ended up in Texas. Because of the hate and fighting, I went almost 15 years without seeing my kids, and I now only see one. I also end up drinking for another 20 years. Like I'm doing this time, put your sobriety first. Nothing will work without it. You have a choice, you can learn from mine and others experence. Or, you can learn by your own. Us alcoholics don't always need to take the hard way. You know something? Now that I'm sober for me and I'm working the program, I thank God everyday that she didn't take me back. Shows us, we have to be careful what we pray for, we might get it. I know you can do it. You'll be a better person and he'll be kicking his own butt, for what he missed. Don W

[Gooch]

As much as I would like to think I'm all that original, most everything I know about any of this is just stuff I've heard at meeting or read in the literature and I just recycle in my own words how it works for me.

The Triangle Of Self Obsession

[bikewench]

Thanks for the NA link Gooch...

we must grow up, or die.

Straight goods and to the point as always...


I think I'll take a long ... lingering death. ;o)

[jennie@weldings]

Thanks Don, and I know that I am a good person, a loving person, a beautiful person who has alot to give the right man. I just have to stop looking and enjoy me for a while. The pain of Mark is still in my heart and I am grieving, but it is making me stronger and more determined to put him into a box up in the cupboard and let him go. He has his own journey to go on and I dont want to be involved in it. I love my meetings and I love recovery - 11 years sober now and I intend to get another year older. this forum has helped me too - thank you everyone.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

11 years sober is quite a long time. be proud of that

ty so much for being here for the rest of us


chris

[jennie@weldings]

Thank you Chris, yes 11 years is a good length of time but in actual fact there are times when I am only 5 minutes sober in my Emotional Sobriety - thats the killer. My world is always open to fellow addicts - we are our own family and we need to stick together.
Jennie

[CAPTAINZING2000]

Jennie,

it's still a good thing you're doing staying for the newcomer. we often have so many that come in and shop lift sobriety. I want to be there for the next guy coming in. Thank goodness, there are good people like you in AA


ty


chris