i am so depressed and confused!

[khairiya]

hi everyone, i am new here but not to recovery programs. i have been in and out of my addiction for many years but im too depressed to get into that right now, i just need to get a few things offf of my chest and i hope you can bear with me. i just recieved my school money 3200.00 and had so many good intentions, i was going to transfer my credits and move closer to my mother and father because both are dying. also i had promised to give my father some money to get his car fixed. i have a brother who is incarcerated and promised to help him out also. well i did buy a few things and came home and was fighting with the thought of should i or shouldnt i, well needless to say i did. i called the dealer and lo and behold after sitting home for 2 weeks without even a phone call from anyone i had many friends come visiting ( how did they know, hmmm!) well do i need to say that not only did i spend the 2000 i had after the purchases i made before my mission began, but i also ended up taking back the items i had bought, i wonder why i was holding on to the receipt, now i know. i had resevations. well anyway the guilt i am feeling about letting myself and my family down is killing me. i have not even called home and i know my parents are wondering what is wrong, they dont know i have been using off and on, but i bet they are wondering now. oh and dont let me forget to add that the 2 love birds my sister gave me last summer, yeah they went to, to the dealer. i am so angry with myself, i have no idea on witch way to trun. i have half my apartment packed up and a 4 yr. old son who is thrilled to be moving near grandma and grandpa and all of his cousins. well i dont have money to buy a pack of ciggarettes let alone rent a truck and an apartment. (no i did not take back the toys i bought him, thank god for that. i need suggestions, i am so ashamed i cant even call home. thank you all for listening.

khairiya

[Time2Surrender]

khairiya,welcome to soberrecovery.I am glad you found us.Stick around and get to know some people here.You can find a lot of support on this site.I can relate to the guilt.But,whats done is done.Tommorow is another day.The best way to get back on track is to not use.Hang in there. Michael

[khairiya]

thank you so much micheal and thank you for the welcome. you are right what is done is done, and i know i have to move on. today seems alittle better, at least the sun is shining although it is very cold out. i hate those cloudy days, i think we all do. i am feeling like the rottenest person on the face of the earth, i just sem to do the most terrible things to people, especially the lies, they are awful and i ask myself how could god even look at me let alone love me, but i wont get too deep in this now, i am grateful for waking up and hope to have some more clarification today as to where i need to move from here. again thanks micheal.

khairiya

[Dan]

Hi khairiya, and welcome!
I'm confused now, 'cuz I thought I was the most rotten person on the face of the earth!
In fact, I was sure of that for the longest time...
It wasn't until I shed that label and recognized that I am simply a person that suffers from addiction, like millions of others, that I could start healing and recovering, and in time, start making amends and reparations, when possible, to those I had harmed.
You are a unique individual, with qualities and aspirations.
But you are no better or worse than any other person with an addiction problem.
Glad you're here.

[51anna]

Hi Khairya,

Welcome and I'm glad you found us. Like Dan, I thought I was the worst of the worst too. I soon learned that carrying that belief around with me was going to cause me to return to drinking again and again. Try to put aside all that negative stuff and carry on as best you can. Hopefully your family will be understanding and you can begin to move ahead.

Hang around and get lots of support here.

Love, Anna

[roxybaby]

Hey sweetie,
Boy, do ever feel for you, with you. I always feel that Im inherently evil, that I ruin everything I touch. Im addicted to oxys, and have spent the past 5 years in dishonesty, bargining, denial ect. About 2 wees ago I made the decision to go on methadone. Now that my heads clearing I see how close to the edge i really was. Ive been putting every dime I make on bills, and am trying to figure out how Ill ever get caught up. But you know what? this is the best ive done in a long, long time. Even though I was so low (I suffer frm borderline personality disorder), and thought I could never lift my head up, things pass. I guess after all of my rambeling; my point is that its never to late to make a change. The only way honesty and self respect will come is with giving up what brings you down - drugs. True I am on a methadone program, but after so manty attempts to do it on my own, this time Im doing it. Best of luck!!!!