Does anyone here stammer?

[equus]

My husband is really struggling with this. Trying to socialise at all without alcohol is really hard - he's basically silent.

I posted in the mental health because it's wrapped up with lots of social anxiety but I'd welcome any input from anyone who used alcohol to overcome a speech problem and is now in recovery.

His stammer is slight - his fear of not being able to speak properly is huge in public/company.

[BubbaBob]

Not to be cutesy, but Mel Tillis made a fortune living off his stammering and singing ability.

We are what we make of what we have to work with.

BubbaBob

[equus]

Was that intended to help?

[BubbaBob]

We are what we make of what we have to work with.

Originally Posted by equus

Was that intended to help?

That was the short version. Here is the long one.

All of us drunks have or had reasons to drink, or rather, excuses to drink.

I lost my legs in the war...so I drink.

I'm deaf...so I drink.

I am a parapalegiac...so I drink.

My wife/husband runs around on me...so I drink.

(applies to me) I'm fat...so I drink.

I lost my job...so I drink.....

And on and on and on.

Those are excuses, not reasons, and the drinking will continue as long as one is more comfortable wallowing in self-pity than in staying sober. All of us drunks were comfortable in our own personal little pity party until we got sick and tired of being sick and tired.

We are what we make of what we havwe to work with. OK, you husband wishes he didn't stutter. Hell, I wish your husband didn't stutter...but he does, and that is what he has to work with. He can decide (and it is a decision) to get past it, and you can decide to quit enabling him by buying into excuses, and he can have a happy sober life, or not.

Choices...we all have them. This one is yours/his.

BubbaBob

[equus]

Ok - just to let you know he's drank twice in the last 2 months no excuses! It was me who got concerned over his silence. He's never used it to excuse anything.

He does blame himself - totally, he blames the teenage him that found he could actually talk to people, he blames everything on himself.

I however feel he is responsible for his decisions and always has been BUT I think tackling the problems he encounters SOBER just makes sense.

I understand you wanted to help though.

[exzim]

Eguus,

I have always been very shy - still am, and I stutter when with people I don't know.
So like your husband, I don't say much in social situations. My friends know me - and know at times it is difficult to shut me up!
I have been perceived to be "stuck-up" because I don't say much. But on the other hand as an old Elementay School Principal used to say, "Empty barrels make the most noise!"

Maggie

[equus]

"Empty barrels make the most noise!"

Couldn't agree with you more (although - I can natter for England!!). He's got an extremely high IQ and usually genuinely enjoys everyone elses chatter, but this si getting a bit extreme.

It's baltantly obvious he's struggling, I order for both of us eating out or he just signals 'times two' and eats the same meal as me. He hands me the money for the bus so he doesn't have to speak to the bus driver, same renting a video - or anything really. I realised he hasn't said a word to anyone while he hasn't drunk alcohol. He uses 'mmmm' so skillfully I didn't notice at first. If he hands me money instead of getting something himself he does it sort of naturally. In restauraunts I realised he won't talk when I ordered a meal he didn't like for me - he still just held up two fingers and smiled! AND he ate the meal!!

He did have a drink last week because he got over 90% in his Open Uni, he regretted it but I noticed him talking outside the house - so I asked.

He said there were two years when he was a kid that he couldn't even get a sound out, but in the end he got over it, enough - just. Now he said if he thinks it'll happen again he daren't try because if it does happen it makes it even worse. He said it's like his stammer in that he knows it's in his head but he's still too scared of loosing control.

He also said when he first drank as a kid the thing he loved was that he never even thought about speaking - he could just do it, for the first time since about the age of 7!! He doesn't excuse what happened because of that, he still chose to drink.

[exzim]

Equus,
I can really empathise with your husband. If it makes him feel any better tell him that not only do I stutter but in tense situations I get very nauseated and many times have barely made it to the bathroom in time! During exams when I was in university - I had a special place at the back of the hall with a bucket next to me - I didn't have to worry about anyone cheating off me - people would get to the exam extra early so they wouldn't have to sit near me!
Also had to interrupt my own wedding to do the 6 second bathroom dash. But then, he is my ex now - so maybe that just was my body trying to tell me something!
People have suggested to me to take a public speaking course (such as a Dale Carnegie series) - just thinking about it makes my stomach knot! Too bad you guys live in the UK - or I'd offer to go with your husband.
Tell him my thoughts are with him.

Maggie

[1Marty]

Yes this is also somthing I struggle with. Although it does not effect me to the same degree as your husband, it does cause me to avoid any situation where I may have to communicate verbally. It may sound wierd, but even a chat room freaks me out. I always wrapped it up with the whole anxiety thing. I suffer from social phobias and anxiety. Medication has helped me somewhat, but I still find myself very uncomfortable socially. My former solution was alcohol. But I became addicted, and life got really out of hand. Today AA helps me a whole lot. At first I could barely speak at meetings. But its getting a little better There are so many opportunities to speak in AA, weather its reading aloud, sharing at tables, or leading meetings. AA is like my one safe place where I have started to get more comfortable with myself. And that is starting to spill over into the rest of my life also. I wish the best for you and your husband.

[equus]

Excim - thanks for that, I'm betting a pound to a penny tha you go out your way to make other shy people feel welcome, I know he does! this changed our wedding too. At the time I thought it was just public speaking, but he told me he was terrified and that it was something he didn't think he could do. It meant a very small wedding (which suited me) but the run up was filled with annoyed people because we weren't doing anything big - 16 people including us!! We could add bits on to our vows (I did) but at first he just said he didn't want to - then the night before we got married he said he wasn't sure if he could even repeat the standard words, never mind say what he wanted! He gave me his vows in our room at the B&B, actually we married in there, on our own. When it came to the performance he was word perfect and I ended up in tears!!

Marty,

Thanks for replying what you're saying about opportunities makes sense. So does your story!! D won't consider AA at the moment - largely because it is a meeting, I think avoiding having to do that is a big incentive for him to make sure nothing get's out of hand again. I might wish he was getting help but I can't force it and his efforts alone are VERY real.

When you mentioned opportunities to talk a penny dropped - as quiet as he is he doen't try to get out of stuff, we went to his works do on Saturday. He's worked with them for 3 months and he did speak a little bit, very little but he did speak. They were ribbing him about not drinking, offering him drinks, asking him why, saying 'but it's Christmas' and he still stuck to his guns, saying 'no'. I'm 100% sure he knows he's got to practice being around people without it.

Whatever he's going through it isn't about excuses to drink, he'd have had the perfect excuse on Saturday, it was his bosses getting suspicious, his bosses trying to get him to drink and he knows me well enough to know I wouldn't have given him a hard time.

Hopefully he'll get some help at some point, he's got to see the docs soon about something else and with a bit of luck they might ask him the right questions!!

One thing that's crossed my mind is that if he was on medication for the anxiety - wouldn't it become just as addictive? (feel free to ignore that question if it's a bit too personal - it's just I've never actually spoken to someone who's dealt with both using medication).

[1Marty]

Originally Posted by equus

\
One thing that's crossed my mind is that if he was on medication for the anxiety - wouldn't it become just as addictive? (feel free to ignore that question if it's a bit too personal - it's just I've never actually spoken to someone who's dealt with both using medication).

I think under a Doctor's supervision its fine. I don't think that depression/anxiety medications (SSRI's) are addictive. At least I have never felt like I was addicted to my medication. I just take the dosage that my doc prescribes. It is not making my life un-manageable, it justs helps me to deal with situations in more of a normal fashion.

[equus]

Thanks Marty - that is good to hear!

It's kind of ironic that he's got to do the thing he finds hard to get the help he needs to do it!

I'd love to see something just make life a little easier and know that it wasn't going to ruin it in the long run!! I might have to wait a while though - he had a bad experience with AD's and is dead against all of it at the moment. We'll see, I have lots of hope!

[1Marty]

Originally Posted by equus

It's kind of ironic that he's got to do the thing he finds hard to get the help he needs to do it!

have to take that first uncomfortabel step. Letting others see our weakness/problems/issues is not easy, and not fun. But it feels better afterwards.

Originally Posted by equus

I'd love to see something just make life a little easier and know that it wasn't going to ruin it in the long run!!

I'll pray that it does get better for you and your husband.

[Don W]

Hi Equus, I've also had problems with this. However, I've improved during recovery. My problem was I was so uptight, that I was thinking of the next thing to say while saying the first. During recovery I've been able to stop, take a breath then respond to others. Does he also have trouble breathing while talking? The VA has a class on breathing excersizes. This has also helped. At times I've started to hyper-ventilate while trying to talk. I have also recieved help posting here and by reading books. Again, I suggest he try breating excersizes and taking a moment before he talks. Another thing my wife pointed out to me, is that when I write or post, sometimes I reverse letters. I think it is a mild case of being, dexlecic(sp). I must reread what I write and correct it. Since I've worked on it I've noticed my stammering has improved. I hope this helps, if not, there are speech theraphy counsilors. Don W

[ouch]

hey,
i think a whole lot of alcoholics have social anxiety issues, and have found relief from them in drink. i know that while sober I think too much and analyze too much in social situations, and it really gets in the way of communicating effectively-- when drunk, though, i get the "warm fuzzies" and focus more on connecting with people than analyzing everything they say. i also suffer from some social anxiety, mostly in the form of "do they think i'm weird?" thoughts (and usually, they do, but the problem is that i care)

i don't have any really good advice for this ... what works for me is "jumping in"-- MAKING myself talk and tell stories and get involved. after a time with the same people i adjust and relax a little, but the adjustment process starts anew everytime i see them ...

i hope it gets better for your husband.
best wishes for you and for him
julia

[equus]

It's hard to believe I posted that only six days ago!! Due to Chrimbo there've been quite a few social occasions since then. Apart from his works do, nothing very heavy and nothing with people he doesn't know. I have noticed though that he's really putting effort into always at least saying something, with close friend it's almost been a small conversation.

It's odd to watch, he goes to speak and if someone else talks or looks away he just stops - but I notice him going for a second, third or fourth attempt until he's at least said something. I know he's fighting this pretty hard. I think partly to avoid HAVING to go and get some help. Blinkin' mule!!

Thanks for all the input, it helps me lots to try and understand - it really makes my patience grow, and helps me to listen more carefully when he's talking to me about this kind of thing.