Who's to blame?

You may be perfectly justified in blaming others for your troubles; yet when you do so, you give them control over your life. When you focus on blaming others, you erode your own power, your own ability, your own commitment to do anything about the situation.
Assigning blame gets you mired ever deeper in the problem. Determining who is to blame will not solve the problem. Focus instead on what needs to be done now, on the positive steps you can take.

If you wake up during the night in a house filled with smoke, do you argue with your spouse about who forgot to change the batteries in the smoke detector? No, of course not. You immediately get everyone out of the house and call the fire department.

Problems just get worse, if you waste time with blame.

[Ann]

Problems just get worse, if you waste time with blame.

Even if the problem began with somebody else, the solution begins with me. Blaming just delays the process and blurs my vision.

Hugs
Ann

[lonlion]

Absolutely true! I am sure we can all sit here and say, but what about what so and so did. We chose the relationship, and we can choose to get out of it, hence taking responsibility for our choices and behavior.

Some of us in the past have blamed people for our using, making such statements like, so and so introduced me to this drug. They may have made the introduction, but they didn't put it to our mouth, nose or arm, and even if they did, do we not now how to push away and say no?

I get it Doug. Very good post

Love Diana

[ChrisMan]

Thanks for the thought, Doug. I am a big-time blamer, especially if I am acting on my addiction. Thanks for the reminder.

[Ann]

I'm thinking about this one again, and I think we can also waste much of our lives blaming ourselves. Blaming others, blaming ourselves...it's all still the blame game and not constructive in our recovery.

Taking responsibility for ourselves includes accepting that we are not perfect, learning from our mistakes and moving forward. Or we can sit still and beat ourselves up with the blame stick. Serves no purpose but keeps us busy.

Hugs
Ann

Originally Posted by Ann

Taking responsibility for ourselves includes accepting that we are not perfect, learning from our mistakes and moving forward.

Took me a long time to understand and grasp this. I kind of swung the other way for awhile, taking responsibility for everything, hanging it all on myself, and making sure I always blamed me, so I wouldn't forget.

Well said Ann.

[Dan]

I'm still real good at whipping myself raw some days.
My only saving grace on this is that I can leave it in that day and start the next with a better attitude about myself most of the time now.
It's a process, and I'm getting there I believe.
Good thread.

[Ann]

Okay, I have a question here. Why does blame seem to be so important? Why do we feel compelled to blame someone, even ourselves, instead of just looking at the problem and trying to find a solution?

I'm not talking about spending some time with remorse, I'm talking about living there for a long time.

Just curious.

Hugs
Ann

Good question. Seems to be the prevaliant attitude though. Maybe it's a power thing, or control. Or fear...fear of the truth, needing a quick and easy hook to hang it on.

As I sit here and consider it, I don't recall anything recent in my experience where "who was at fault" helped in anyway getting to the solution.

Maybe its a responsibilty issue. "If it's your fault, I don't have to get involved, its your problem not mine." Though this doesn't fit the self blame scenario.

[Ann]

I can see that, but doesn't the self-blame shut the other person out too? If it's all my fault, and I blame only myself, doesn't that isolate me from the problem, and therefore from the solution?

This may not make sense. I'm asking because I'm dealing with some issues where I really want to leave blame out of it, where there probably is no blame or even if there is I'd just like to take responsibility for the problem and work through it. Easier said than done.

Am I clear here?

[DesertEyes]

The way my twisted codie brain works is like this.

- There's a problem.

- The problem needs fixing

- The person who has the power to fix the problem is the person who caused it.

- If I blame somebody else, then I am free from responsibility.

- If I blame myself then I have all the power.

Both forms of blame are bad for me.

Blaming somebody else is a way of avoiding taking action to address _my_ part in the problem. It's a form of "stinking thinking" that evenually leads to a relapse, also knows as a "pity pot".

Blaming me is a way of disconecting from my HP and inflating my ego to where I believe _I_ am my own HP. That's a form of insanity that evenually leads to a relapse, also knows as an "ego storm".

Either way I loose. Blame is all about the past, and I cannot change the past.

My solution is to focus on the present. Focus on _now_ and what actions I can take to resolve my part in the situation starting today. That's where the serenity prayer works for me. (The serenity prayer is about changing me, not changing the world)

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (about me), the courage to change the things I can (about me), and the wisdom to know the difference.

Whadya think?

Mike :-)

[Ann]

Blame is all about the past, and I cannot change the past.

I think that said a lot, and answered part of what I asked. Me wanting to leave blame out, means I don't want to re-visit the past, I just want to move forward. No blame, no shame, just a new day and a new solution.

I don't think that is a power struggle, do you?

[Aa_vark]

Originally Posted by Ann

No blame, no shame, just a new day and a new solution.

I don't think that is a power struggle, do you?

Hi - recovering addict here... Blame, and shame...know them well -

In a way, i feel that it is a power struggle - Ultimately struggeling not to accept serenity, i instead dug clawmarks into my expectations....

[Ann]

Do you mean expecting that this can be resolved without blame or shame is a form of power, just by the expectation itself? You may be right, I just hadn't thought of it that way.

[DesertEyes]

Originally Posted by Ann

... Me wanting to leave blame out, means I don't want to re-visit the past, I just want to move forward. No blame, no shame, just a new day and a new solution.

I think that attitude is wonderfuly healthy and positive. An attitude that I don't achieve as often as I'd like :-)

Originally Posted by Ann

... I don't think that is a power struggle, do you?

Nope. I agree with you completely. Wanting to be free of blame or shame is a big healing. The question that comes to mind, and please feel free to refrain from answering on a public forum if I am too forward, is _why_ do you feel there is blame or shame involved?

In my case, I only struggle with blame when I am "stuck" in my recovery. For me, it's a sign that a visit to my sponsor or a close friend to do a bit of inventory is in order. I need an independent opinion on my dillemma.

Shame is a problem for me when the ethical standards that I was taught as a child are at odds with my behavior. For me, these are ACA issues which require a visit to a good ACA shrink or ACA sponsor.

Doing a thorough inventory will remove all shame, as well as self-recrimination. They're hard to do, and shouldn't be done casually or indiscriminately.

I'm taking a lot of guesses in the dark here, so please disregard anything that is not applicable :-)

Whadya think?

Mike :-)

[Ann]

I can't share the details, Mike, but it's about how things are and not how they got that way, if that makes sense. The thing is, resolving this problem is about the future, not the past, not about how it got that way but about what to do with it now.

That's it in it's simplest form.

Sorry, I edited this after posting, as I really prefer to keep the details personal.

[junem]

Great thread and some real good thoughts. Thanks gang.