Afraid

[Vela D.]

Hey you guys. :hmummy
I am so afraid and I need to say that.
I know that God love me and I know he will help me,but I need to express what I am feeling and that is a whole lot of fear. I have never been this responsible in my life. To be honest I would have ran by now, but God and the program have really sunk in and I don't want the using life any more.

I seem to have done well. I've been on my job for six years. I bought a house. I take good care of my two teenage children.I deal with teenage life daily. I go to school meetings when scheduled. My son has a disabilitiy because of my useage and I have done alot to make sure he has a normal lfe. He is doing well.I pay bills. I go to meeting,sponsor others and I started a all womens group that keeps me busy.

All great things, right. But something is happening and I can't say what. I'm so afraid that I'm not going to be able to hold it all together I feel like I'm going to drop the ball and then we will be a mess. I feel like running away from home. It makes me feel bad that I feel this way. My job has some racism issues going on and that is bothering me alot. I don't have a degree so I can't just walk away. This makes me feel trapped, which makes me think about all my responsibilities( i have many more) and how they would fall apart if I was not sober.Can't drink, need to stop thinking, so I'm venting hoping that I feel better by getting it out. It is hard for me to say that I'm scared. Especially in writing for everyone to see. I shouldn't care , but I do which is why I'm here now. That was my problem before. I could not say when I needed help and I used. Not today. I'm so scared and I don't even know why. It's like I've never felt this accountable before. I'll just keep doing what I do pray, go to meetings and help others and hope that this will pass.
Thanks for listening. Feedback welcome.

[cj.]

((((( Vela )))))

This WILL pass!

The simple fact that you are reaching out and sharing your fears is half the battle.

There are times when I feel overwhelmed with all the responsibilities in life and I, too, feel like running. That's normal!! What's not normal for me, as an addict, is to stay clean no matter what happens.

I've read your other posts and I get the feeling that your courage, strength and desire will help you through this hard time.

But, just in case ........... I will pray for peace and relief for you today and in the days ahead.

cj

[DrFrier]

Vella,

Wow, you articulated your feelings so well. I don't know if you know it or not, but you just took an inventory. You have a lot going on, and a whole lot to lose.

There is a paragraph on page 86 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Annonymous, ...When we retire at night.... I have found this very helpful. I share the answers to these questions (pg. 86) with my sponsor.

Worked the 3rd step lately?

Good luck,

Jim

[51anna]

Hi Vela,

It sounds like you're really doing great and you should be proud of how far you've come. And, responsibility can be overwhelming at times and dealing with teenagers is always a touchy issue. It's so sad that there are racism issues at your work. It is such an ugly thing to have to deal with. And, I think when you feel trapped because of this, you probably feel like you're losing some of your personal power. But, just because you're in a situation where you feel compromised, doesn't mean you're trapped. You are making a choice to stay in the job in order to meet your responsibilities. You are choosing to deal with the racism issues as best you can. Be strong and you'll get through this. I wish you well.

Love, Anna

[nutz]

thanks for sharing

promtly seeing the problems or challenges
depending on our higher power for growth.
working with other.
thats neat.

Putting your foot one in front of the other and not running.
that's courage and a half. I hope I get better at it someday.

I write to get all the crazy stuff out of my head.
I got me a sponsor finally...hopefully he can guide me thur some of my fears.
I pray like crazy, now. Epecailly when life gets better.
One of my defects is to destroy my life when it gets good.
holy smolly changes.....gotta get out of my comfort zone, again.
growth is good :hamburger

acceptent that I can't change others and be a Bi..ch sumtimes.
In the long run it's easier to change myself. For me it's this way anyhow.

[Vela D.]

Hey you guys,
Thank you Cj, DrFrier,51Anna, and Nutz for giving me feedback.
I am so grateful for your responses.
I am not as afraid today as yesterday. One day at a time.
I realize that I am afraid of my good thing changing. I'm also afraid of new things, changes. Who isn't. Thank God this will pass Cj, and I will reread page 86 in the Big Book DrFrier. Thank you. That is exactly what I needed, Amunition. Defense against the disease. I will keep posting until it has passed. This is a new thing for me,and some how it feels good not bad. I feel like I have some hidden support that is there for me anytime. Isn't God awesome.
It is great to love people you don't know and can't see, but share a common bond. Thank God for the program.

Vela

[Dan]

Change can be scary at times Vela.
When considering we are attempting to replace chaos with serenity, even more so.
It's said that the antidote to fear is faith.
Any faith. In, and for something that only you can see.

[Vela D.]

Thats why I posted this message.
I can't see and that is what is so scary.
I have faith that God will help me as he has so many times before ,but that does not stop me from being afraid. Some people say that if you have faith then you should not be scared. I'm in reality. I believe God will help me but the emotion that I feel is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of my inability to succeed at life period. I drank and used mostly because I was afraid of life itself. I wanted to drown out any thought of it.There just wasn't enough booz and drugs to drown God out. I know that if I tell on my disease then I have a chance. If I think or want to look good for everyone by proclaiming how much faith I have knowing deep inside I'm scared as hell, then I will give my disease the upper hand. So I'll risk looking like I have no faith to say hey you guys I'm afraid to go any further and I'm afraid to go back. A vision for you in the Big Book tells me that this is a real and not new state of being, and if I want to stay sober I damn well better tell somebody before I make a bad decision. An old timer once said if we had no fear then we would not need to have faith. The fear causes our faith to be strengthened.
I got to believe that this fear will turn into faith and that I will be sharing good news someday soon. Thanks for your support Dan !

Vela

[Dan]

You shared good news today!
That's just it Vela. You reached out, and shared your emotions.
Anytime an alcoholic or addict can do that, instead of the usual stuffing it down in a bottle or something, it's goos news. Reading this thread helped me today.
I still have a lot of days where I experience fear.
Fear of success is a big one. Even with a few sober months, I still catch myself reverting to old ways of thinking. Mundane irritating things can send me back in the thought process that so often led me to the bottle.
The difference today though is that I know I have a choice, and I have faith that I will make the right choice.
I like it when you say that you better damn well tell somebody before you make a bad decision.
Telling on myself. That's what they called it in rehab.
And I did my fair share of it in the first few months. Still do
And it works!

[DesertEyes]

Hi there Vela, and pleased to meet you :-)

Originally Posted by Vela D.

... So I'll risk looking like I have no faith...

I have felt lots of fear just recently, and over the years before that. It's not that you have no faith, it's that you misplace it temporarily.

Originally Posted by Vela D.

... I got to believe that this fear will turn into faith ...

It will :-) What works for me is to take action. I take a "faith inventory". That is a list of all the times in my life that my HP has stepped in and saved my rear from the fire. Not just starting with sobriety, I go all the way to my childhood. That's the first part. Once I have that list I then write down what _actions_ I have done to pay back my HP for what my HP has done for me.

When I was a kid my HP saved me from serious injury at the hands of abusive parents time and time again. The fact that I survived at all is a miracle. I payed back my HP by learning how to be a good parent myself. Took some college courses, saw a couple shrinks, read a lot of books, asked people on the program who were themselves good parents and put all that into practice when my HP put an abused child in my life as my step-daughter.

I also have a couple of "mementos". An old book and a child's toy that have special meaning to me. They're not the originals, but I remember them from my childhood. Having those physical things that I can hold and touch helps ground me and reminds me of all the miracles that have happened in my life. Helps make those miracles more real to me.

Originally Posted by Vela D.

... if I want to stay sober I damn well better tell somebody before I make a bad decision...

You got that right. "Decisions Under the Influence" of fear are called DUI's ;-) Keep sharing here and with your real life program people and that fear will just melt away.

Mike :-)

[1Marty]

Hi Vela, Thanks for sharing about your fear. It really helps me a lot to know that there are others out there who have such fears. I have faith in God, but I am still really afraid at times of what others think of me, or if my career is going to soon fail. I must trust in Gods plan. But Its not always easy. Especially when it seems God is distant, and we don't see the plan clearly. Thats when we need to lean on friends and family. Sometimes they can help you see the situation from another angle. Take care.

[Vela D.]

I feel so much support. Thank you Dan,1Marty, and DesertEyes for your feedback. I am taking it all in and I will carry it all day. Thanks for helping me not give up and run. I feel better today. I had my weekly meeting with the power to be and I have one more this afternoon with them all. I realized this morning that I can only change me so I do and it's ok to do and say what is good for me. Also not to let my thinking get out of hand with things I can't control. I have given myself permission to make mistakes and the opprotunity to correct them if possible. Without having expectations of the outcome. I want to write the ending of every story in my life so that I feel no discomfort. That's not reality. So today I will do my best at life and at the end of the day I will take an inventory and take the time to correct what is possible to correct . The rest I will pray about. No DUI's today deserteyes
Thanks guys !

Vela

[duinet4me]

We have a daily repreive from our disease, and dependent on our spiritual condition so goes life (one day at a time). Remember our using was only a symptom of our disease and the real culprit is us. We need only to look in the mirror everyday and accept who we are and ask for guidance to make others lives better. All this will help you to understand that selflessness helps our whole well being. If you are feeling down get busy helping others up. Remember one thing that the big-book says: we are driven by a hundred forms of fear, rational or irrational, so try not to be to frustrated and scared, as the saying goes we've all sat in that seat before. Good luck!!