dating in sobriety (long)

[littlejemjem]

This is a totally tough topic. I know that there are no rules in A.A. I know the only requirement for membership is a desire. I also know that the Big Book (or whatever advice your sponsor gives) is meant to be suggestive only...but this is a tough one.

When I was 6 months sober I started dating "T". I had been around the rooms for nearly 10 years. We dated for 8 months and fell in love. It was my first sober relationship and I loved it. Towards the end something was Wrong...he was very different. He was saying things and acting in ways I had never seen and didnt like. He didnt seem to be working the steps or talking to his sponsor, he wasnt going to more than one meeting a week and he was very negative. I asked if he was using and he denied it. So being that I cannot work a program for both of us I ended things and it was probably the toughest and sadest thing I have done aside from getting clean and sober.

About a month later T called me and admitted relapsing. He used the whole time we dated and really wasnt sober for a couple years. But being an addict and rationalizing until even he believed his own lies, he kept it from EVERYONE. I wouldnt talk to T for months. My heart was broken, I didnt trust him, whatever ego I had left was completely deflated and I was scared. He would send me letters, call, email but I wouldnt see him. I even avoided a specific meeting I knew he would be at so I didnt have to face the feelings. You see I am scared of feelings. I am an addict thru and thru and when faced with fear I run. I know it isnt right, that's where i need more work I guess.

Recently I began to talk with T and clear the air a bit. I realized after months of pouting that I do love this man and I cant run forever...the pain wont go away if I do. I am only one drink or drug away from being where he is and he needs help. If the role was reversed and I was the one using, got sober and the one person I loved wouldnt talk to me I'd be crushed. I wouldnt deny any other drunk, why him?

Alcoholism and drug addiction is scary. If we're not working our own program we'll use and become the people we dont want to be...we cant afford to be. So I am scared. I told him we can work on building a friendship again. He's tried to make amends but I'll only accept living amends. I told him that I need to see him working a program, working with other drunks and going to meetings.

He's like 80 days sober again and I have a little over 18 months. I dont want to feel like I am 13 stepping him but we did have a pre-existing relationship and we do love eachother. I also dont know how long I can just be his friend.

I guess I just need to pray for him and the willingness to do the next right thing. I'm scared...

[littlejemjem]

Sorry in the beginning I said I was around the rooms for 10 years...it was him. I was pretty new.

[cj.]

"I told him we can work on building a friendship again. He's tried to make amends but I'll only accept living amends. I told him that I need to see him working a program, working with other drunks and going to meetings."


Isn' it funny how we usually have our own answers!!

If you guys are meant to be together, it will happen when you are both well.

cj

[Vela D.]

First of all you should be scared.
Don't BS yourself.
Your sobriety is on the line.
TO THY OWN SELF BE TRUE
We come into the program with clouded judgement. We find out the there is a better way to live and an actual path to follow. We begin to follow it with help of others who have gone before us, and as soon as we want what we what then we maraculouslly know what's best for ourselves. You were told not ot get into a relationship before on year. We all were told the same thing. Why? Because our judgement is not good and we are suppose to be focusing on ourselves and you can't do that if your in a relationship. Especially with someone who was never sober in the first place.It's called attachment. Early on most of us are needy and need to transfer our energy to use somewhere else( a relationship,sex,love,money,food etc.). We do this and many time we put the wrong label on it and call it love. At 18 mons you are just beginning to learn to love yourself and that will get neglected if you are focused on some one else or feel responsible or obligated to them. You are not. TO THY OWN SELF BE TRUE. If you really want to show love step away and do for him what he did not do for you . Give him a chance to grow and learn how to stay stopped. If not you are 13 stepping. and selling yourself short, even more you are selling God short. If he is great enough to pull you out of drugs and/or alcohol then surely he is great enough to give you a sober mate.I'll tell you from experience we grow and change over time and the things we think we want in the beginning will change over time. He does not have to show you anything he has to show himself.He has to focus on himself not you, so help him out. TO THY OWN SELF BE TRUE. Think about it you made that major decision at 6mon. sober unadvised.
AN old timer told me once if your not sure ask three people with five years or more if everyone's answer is different than yours then you have the wrong answer. If everyones answer is the same then you have the right answer. Always seek counsel. Take suggestions, follow directions. Stop doing what you want to do and do what you need to do.
I'll be praying for you to stay sober no matter what you decide.
TO THY OWN SELF BE TRUE
Vela

[Hadenuff]

Hi Jem,
I learned my lesson. I won"t pursue a relationship with someone in the program ever again.
One thing an old timer told me was two sickies don't make a wellie. I tend to agree. Although I've seem couples that appear to be the exeption, more power to em. not for me.
H