LadyBlue0527

I was thinking about life today and why I've had the success that I have. Sure, acceptance and non wavering commitment is a big part of it but, I also changed the people I choose to spend time with. After some deep thought, most of my friends were people I drank with. We really didn't have a lot in common outside of our love of alcohol. I do miss some of them but I realized that to spend time with them does nothing but feed the dragon. Maybe someday I'll be able to hang out with them again but even after 14 months I don't see it being anytime soon.

What were your commonalities with those you drank with and do you still hang out with them now?

Dee74

I didn't for a long time, mostly because I moved, but I moved back to the city got back into music and I see some of the old guys again.

We're still friends, some of us have known each other for 40 years - but to be honest it makes me sad to see some dear friends in the same state of denial and chaos I was.

They don't want to change and I don't want to stick my nose where it's not wanted.

It's not by design but the people I spend most time with now are either sober or rare 'leave half a glass' type drinkers.

D

Redmayne

Despite having hundreds or even thousands of acquaintances and colleagues in the time, during my drinking day as a 'high functioning alcoholic'. Spent pursuing, with a reasonable amount of success, don't let that fool you, it's a progressive illness and towards the end, alcohol was winning!

I never really had any friends. Even less,although you could count them on one thumb! When I moved to my present address, my fifth home in the previous seven years ( hey! I'm an alkie, whaddya expect). In a small nondescript town, the sort of place you go through, not to. Here on the outskirts of Manchester, in the UK where I once formed part of the hurly burly of life in a big city.

Ironic then, I not only got sober eight months after my arrival, my life has been a lesson in the extent of my own stupidity, ok.

Over the following years, which weren't easy by any means. I learned the value of living alone. There's a big difference between being lonely and being alone,they both exist not in friends, colleagues or acquaintances, but in your state of mind!

And I, for one after thirty years of living the delusional life, when drinking of an alcoholic, wanted as much if not more than my sobriety. My ability to think cognitively (truth and reason)b# back! Because, with or without others, in any capacity without that there's no sobriety. No sobriety, there's no me!

So whilst I empathise with the points raised in this post, intelligent and articulate as they are. I'd, in my modest contribution, would suggest on this and many other subjects we, in recovery face on a daily basis. You think, before you start thinking otherwise, for those like us,the consequences could be not only disastrous but fatal...just a thought, whoops! I already said that, numpty.

surferdoc

I was mentally, physically, and socially sick when I was drinking, most of my drinking friends still are. My sobriety was to hard to come by to risk it on them. None of them came to see me when I was in detox or the hospital.

Gottalife

The main thing I had in common with my few remaining friends was alcoholism. When I sobered up we went our separate ways, me to AA, and most of them to jail or the cemetery. One stayed with me in sobriety for quite a ew years, I was even best man at his wedding. Our common interest was sailing however, and whenever he was drinking, we kept out of each other's way. In the end his drinking ended our friendship, and his marriage.

Wholesome

I've found that I've drifted away from my friends. Even my best friend which is a shame. I still reach out to her and invite her out for lunch or out for walks but it's not the same, drinking was what we really bonded over. I spend most of my time with my family, my children who I have much to make up for after years of picking drinking over them. When the time is right I will set my sights on forming new friendships, for now, I'm content doing what I'm doing and taking the time to get reacquainted with myself and my family.

Redmayne

I like the idea and wholly support of getting acquainted with yourself something which I, having pursued four professional careers over a 45 year period. Thirty of which were in my 'drinking days' as a 'high functioning alcoholic' in the service of my country and the community...

No bad idea then to 'take time to smell the flowers' bearing in my the Buddhist saying,'If your compassion does not include yourself, then it is incomplete'...

Worth remembering to, as I understand it that friendship exists where those involved provide emotional support. Which can be anything from shared laughter to dealing with more serious matters...just a few suggestions..,.

Driver8

I really had to shorten my list of friends to those who didn't drink and those who understood that I didn't need to be around booze in any way, shape or form. My true friends were understanding enough to not drink around me. I miss my drinking buddies but recovery is more important. Shorten the list, simplify your life.

grayghost1965

I very seldom drank with anyone, and if I did, it was "normal" drinking....I never got drunk in front of anyone else. My life now includes real friends, those where we don't need alcohol to laugh together and have a good time.

Tatania

At the end of my drinking, I'd severed drinking 'friends' at pubs, restaurants, events, wine bars etc. Those days were long gone and I became a 'home-alone' all day drinker, in isolation.

I'm almost a year sober and I've revisited my drinking haunts and met with my previous drinking acquaintances. It was sad to discover that they'd stayed the same, drinking, complaining together and putting the world to rights, as I did as a drinker. They appeared miserable.

One woman I often spent drinking time with, was just sat at the bar, drinking, staring straight ahead, ignoring others. I guess that's the state I reached before withdrawing to 'home-alone' drinking, when I couldn'teven be bothered conversing. I tried to talk to her about stopping drinking, but she slurred her speech and had glassy eyes.

But the good news is that I'm renewing friendships with people who only occasionally drink. Of course I dropped them years ago, when they made digs and worried about my excesses, only to pick up new 'friends' who accepted my heavy drinking. So glad those years are over.

Redmayne

As I understand it, friendship exists when the individuals involved provide each other with emotional support, which can be anything from shared laughter to dealing with more serious matters...sharing thoughts, feelings and emotions.

It is built on respect and trust and is often influenced by peer pressure, by which I mean there has got to be an element at least of common ground. Obviously for those in recovery from addiction or alcoholism this speaks for itself.

Anything less, for me at least falls in the category of others simply being acquaintances or colleagues. Perhaps of a professional or work nature ...

Redmayne

I agree, whilst it is true to say of me in my drinking days, as a 'high functioning alcoholic' pursuing at various times three of my four professional careers. I had many acquaintances and colleagues. Friends I could count on one thumb...

But then again,' If you want to meet someone who can make you truly happy, under any circumstances, whatever the situation. Just pick up a mirror and say the magic word. "Hello". - Richard Bach,'Messiah's Handbook ' Reminders for the Advanced Soul'

SoberCAH

You said it better than I could have done.

I not only cut out my old drinking buddies, I quit hanging out with couples we previously associated with because alcohol was always a key element of our get-togethers.

It's okay for those who won't die from drinking it, but for me it is a life and death issue.

That was hard to do, but the rewards of this sacrifice (and others) have been incalculable.

I am perfectly comfortable around all of these people today, but it took a long, long time for me to get that way.

I still talk to my old best friend, but his life has been an alcoholic blur for the last many, many years.

We still go to lunch from time to time, but our interests are just not the same (I don't really go for strippers, cocktail waitresses, etc.).

This is an important topic, particularly for newcomers.

Gottalife

I agree SoberCAH, it is an importan subject for newcomers. Many make a case that by dumping their old drinking buddies they are some how betraying them, treating them badly.

I came to see it like this: The truth was I had been using them all along. The only reason I drank with them was because they drank like I did. Whenever that changed, maybe they wanted me to cut down or something, I quickly found new friends to justify my drinking. I was using them, and by leaving them be, I was being true to both them and me. I was no longer using them to justify my behaviour.

So I think pulling back from those drinking buddies is not betraying them, it is in fact a very honorable thing to do.

Wholesome

I got home yesterday from a weekend away with a group of friends who I used to do most of my drinking with (when I wasn't drinking home alone). I don't see these people as often as I used to since I quit, why would I hang out when drinking is always the main focus? They actually gave me a hard time, I got called a prude and told I wasn't fun like I used to be. Haha. Whatever, if not getting stupid drunk and having a crippling hangover makes a prude who's no fun then that's cool with me! I still had a good time. I brought my kids and spent a lot of time with them fishing and swimming and whatnot. In the past, I would have asked their dad to take them when I went away so I didn't expose them to the kind of heavy drinking I would be planning on doing. It's fantastic that I don't have to do that anymore. No more hiding. It's unfortunate that my friends are bothered by my sobriety, but honestly, that's for them to deal with, not me. I know my own truth and I'm far better off without drinking in my life.

SoberTyger

I think I have only one of my old friends who i share any healthy interests with apart from drinking, and who I may spend some meaningful time with sober - but he lives almost 2000km away from me. The rest, I think, will fade out of my life now that I have given up drinking.

Some weeks ago, my closest drinking friend, who I have known since high school, wrote me to say his dad had just died that morning, and he wanted to talk. I had the day off work so I said I'd be there for him all day if he needed to talk, he could just call or text me - and he said he just wanted to come over with 2 cases of beer and drink all day. I did manage to convince him to stay with his mother and brother, and not just hide away drinking the very day his dad passed away - but made me sad thinking how odd priorities we have...