Control - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

10-19-2004, 06:54 PM

If only I could throw away the urge to trace my patterns in your heart I could really see you.
--David Brandon

Trying to control and change the people around us creates great problems in our relationships. When people we love are expressing themselves, we're thinking about what we wish they would say, and it blocks us from hearing clearly. A need for safety and for a guarantee that we won't be abandoned urges us to manipulate the people we love. We know we have innocent motives. We say we only want what is best and that we are only trying to protect ourselves or be helpful. But we hide from the effects our actions have on our relationships.

We seem to be more trapped in these self-centered behaviors with the ones we are closest to. We can change ourselves by slowly releasing our security grip on others. We can focus more on understanding what others are saying to us than on changing how they think and feel. Intimacy is clearly seeing each other and knowing the differences as well as the similarities. It requires that both people be allowed to walk on separate paths.

I will release my grip on my loved ones and turn to my Higher Power for security and serenity.

Touchstones

Dan · 10-19-2004, 07:09 PM

Quote:

If only I could throw away the urge to trace my patterns in your heart I could really see you.

Ouch. That one got me in the middle.
Thanks Doug.

**Ann** · 10-19-2004, 07:48 PM

Damn! I was trying to avoid this thread, but you know you should never print the word "Control" anywhere a codie can see it!!!

It just reached out and grabbed my mind.

Quote:

But we hide from the effects our actions have on our relationships.

For me, too often, I think that if I can "control" then a bad relationship will get better. I try to control other people and make them change, I try to control the situation so that I don't feel vulnerable, and if I feel I have any control, then I feel that I can control the outcome. I am wrong on all counts. Sometimes a bad relationship is just a bad relationship and nothing more. Control, or any thoughts of control, for me, is just another name for denial.

Thanks Doug...I think...don't ever post that word again!!!

Hugs
Ann

Gooch · 10-19-2004, 08:03 PM

This is way too much good information to fit on the insides of my eyelids.

Gabe · 10-19-2004, 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doug

Intimacy is clearly seeing each other and knowing the differences as well as the similarities. It requires that both people be allowed to walk on separate paths.

Thanks Doug, another

for you from me.

nutz · 10-20-2004, 09:51 AM

Make sense to me.
Been on the giving end and the receiving end.
The receiving end lately.

Still have to depend on my higher power reguardless, to be free.
choose peace instead.
get my priority straight.

The paradox
Helping others wihtout parallel is praticing on my listening skills.

thanks Doug

Peaches04 · 10-20-2004, 10:08 AM

Doug - this is just what I needed to see today. Isn't it amazing how things can be so crystal clear when we read them, but it is so hard to identify these behaviors in ourselves? Your post read "When people we love are expressing themselves, we're thinking about what we wish they would say, and it blocks us from hearing clearly" - that is ME..I just would not have thought of it in such a well put way. Thanks for sharing this!

abtchonamission · 10-20-2004, 10:44 AM

[QUOTE=DougA need for safety and for a guarantee that we won't be abandoned urges us to manipulate the people we love. We know we have innocent motives. We say we only want what is best and that we are only trying to protect ourselves or be helpful. But we hide from the effects our actions have on our relationships.
[/QUOTE]

Thank you. Those sentences above made me see more clearly about some things I've been dealing with the last few days. I see now why he thinks I'm mad at him, when I'm actually upset with a situation that is out of both our control...Can anyone say Time to LET GO? ...

Paulie · 10-20-2004, 12:04 PM

Like Ann, I saw the word control and just had to read. LOL

WOW - this just helped me alot with my step kids. I will say thanks for them

. Seriously, sometimes I know I am hearing their mother in their voice or seeing her in their manerisms and I am not listening to what they are saying because of it. i want to control them. I don't want them to be like her. How wrong is that? nevermind don't answer, I know how wrong it is....trust me.

Thanks Doug.

rondab · 10-20-2004, 06:53 PM

Wow I really needed that. Thanks for sharing

RondaB

10-19-2004, 06:54 PM	#1 (permalink)
Doug Guest Posts: n/a	Control If only I could throw away the urge to trace my patterns in your heart I could really see you. --David Brandon Trying to control and change the people around us creates great problems in our relationships. When people we love are expressing themselves, we're thinking about what we wish they would say, and it blocks us from hearing clearly. A need for safety and for a guarantee that we won't be abandoned urges us to manipulate the people we love. We know we have innocent motives. We say we only want what is best and that we are only trying to protect ourselves or be helpful. But we hide from the effects our actions have on our relationships. We seem to be more trapped in these self-centered behaviors with the ones we are closest to. We can change ourselves by slowly releasing our security grip on others. We can focus more on understanding what others are saying to us than on changing how they think and feel. Intimacy is clearly seeing each other and knowing the differences as well as the similarities. It requires that both people be allowed to walk on separate paths. I will release my grip on my loved ones and turn to my Higher Power for security and serenity. Touchstones

10-20-2004, 10:44 AM	#8 (permalink)
abtchonamission Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: In the mountain air Posts: 1,345	[QUOTE=DougA need for safety and for a guarantee that we won't be abandoned urges us to manipulate the people we love. We know we have innocent motives. We say we only want what is best and that we are only trying to protect ourselves or be helpful. But we hide from the effects our actions have on our relationships. [/QUOTE] Thank you. Those sentences above made me see more clearly about some things I've been dealing with the last few days. I see now why he thinks I'm mad at him, when I'm actually upset with a situation that is out of both our control...Can anyone say Time to LET GO? ... __________________ Faith... When you come to the end of all the light you know and you are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.

10-20-2004, 12:04 PM	#9 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,785	Like Ann, I saw the word control and just had to read. LOL WOW - this just helped me alot with my step kids. I will say thanks for them . Seriously, sometimes I know I am hearing their mother in their voice or seeing her in their manerisms and I am not listening to what they are saying because of it. i want to control them. I don't want them to be like her. How wrong is that? nevermind don't answer, I know how wrong it is....trust me. Thanks Doug. __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

10-20-2004, 06:53 PM	#10 (permalink)
rondab Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: independence missouri Posts: 11	Wow I really needed that. Thanks for sharing RondaB __________________ Suffering is a journey which has an end

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10-19-2004, 08:03 PM	#4 (permalink)
Gooch Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: out there... Posts: 2,654	This is way too much good information to fit on the insides of my eyelids.

10-20-2004, 09:51 AM	#6 (permalink)
nutz doing the inside job Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: planet happy Posts: 542	Make sense to me. Been on the giving end and the receiving end. The receiving end lately. Still have to depend on my higher power reguardless, to be free. choose peace instead. get my priority straight. The paradox Helping others wihtout parallel is praticing on my listening skills. thanks Doug

10-20-2004, 10:08 AM	#7 (permalink)
Peaches04 Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Carrollton TX Posts: 466	Doug - this is just what I needed to see today. Isn't it amazing how things can be so crystal clear when we read them, but it is so hard to identify these behaviors in ourselves? Your post read "When people we love are expressing themselves, we're thinking about what we wish they would say, and it blocks us from hearing clearly" - that is ME..I just would not have thought of it in such a well put way. Thanks for sharing this!

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