tsukiko

So in recent years I’ve taken to finding my way back to SR after being ‘out there’ and running with the feral. Again. And again.

Every time I get clean / sober, I get the usual burst of good intentions, sure. But every time spent clean / sober is like a holiday. Ultimately, I always have ‘home’ in the back of my mind

…and eventually it calls and, ultimately, I answer.

Maybe never having a home (just places I’ve lived), drugs just seem a convenient alternative or version; you can take ‘em anywhere – and in more ways than one.

Being clean / sober feels like being away from home; the journey is always a hellish one, but once I get there it’s fun for a while, exciting, new; there’s enough to distract me from thinking of ‘going back’ until the novelty fizzes up, and then

…well, it’s home time.

And I think, tbh, I’ve always got clean / sober subconsciously feeling that way; like going to prison, as if I’ll get out someday, and that’s ironically kept me from climbing the walls…until I do.

I get to feeing like a cat amongst dog or fish kidding itself that there's a life beyond water.

It ain’t even the urge to ‘do drugs’ or get pissed really; I miss the language that was (and is) I guess my first and mother tongue. Being an ‘addict’ since kidhood I have no 'pre-addict identity' or life to 'recover'. I miss ‘my people’, the ways of the world and culture I was raised on; the world I come from.

Being sober / clean gets to feeling like being at work without a day off, ever or ever again. The opposite of the holiday it was in the beginning. It gets to feeling like its own addiction.

I work. I eat 'right'. I hit the gym. I tick all the boxes. Hell, I look like the poster child for life after addiction. But inside…sobriety is such a foreign plain to me. I feel like a tourist. And one wearing a human suit like a Westerner wears a Kimono when in Japan; I’ve spent enough time there to get good at playing the part, but ultimately, that’s what is feels like; a (dis)guise.

For a while now it’s prevented me from posting on the forums because I’ve felt like a fraud; I’m telling others to hang in there, meanwhile I’m not hanging but swinging. But fact is, I mean it and I believe it (or I wouldn’t say it); I just mean it for other people – or for people, and I don’t much feel like a human, a person. I feel like an alien.

Genuinely got to wondering recently (never did before) if this is just me; if this is my ‘fate’. Self imposed, granted; I recognise I do have a choice so it ain’t truly ‘fate’, but if choosing to just accept being someone who needs drugs is ‘it’ for me or if my only alternative ain’t just pogoing between these two realities.

Realise this post could sound real pessimistic; ain’t meant to be. I’m philosophical about it, but not despairing. Just dazed really

…and curious; anyone else experienced this?

Dee74

Even if you don't have a normal to refer back, even of you can't remember a time beyond childhood when you didn't do drugs or drink ,I think it's possible to change.

Being 'fated' to being an addict or alcoholic sounds like AV to me.

I felt distinctly uncomfortable not being drunk or high..and even more uncomfortable feeling happy. I felt like it was but a temporary interlude.

I'd been drunk and down for so long that felt like normal to me. I also hated myself quite intensely so I felt I didn't deserve nice things.

In the end tho drinking stopped being a choice, I was killing myself and nearly succeeded. I had to try the other path at that crossroads I always seemed to end up at.


what changed?

I didn't drink even when I felt uncomfortable and I did my best to deal with all those underlying issues about me not being suited to being happy etc,

I had some counselling, but I also worked really hard at working out what this fear of happiness and this subtle self sabotage was all about.

The more I accomplished in building a new sober life, the more being sober became the new normal - and the more I thought of my well-being and the less I wanted to smash everything and run back to the drugs and booze.

Now it's my new life thats comfortable and the old life that is intolerable to consider

I know you've had long periods of recovery, but I wonder how much you've explored much of that 'other path' tsukiko ?

D

Redmayne

As someone who now sees himself as a self directed student of Stoic philosophy, first attracted to it because of its links with The Serenity Prayer... ith a drinking history of over 30 years behind me and now 9 years of sobriety, I'd have to suggest that I agree with Dee....time to try something different.

Epictetus, one of the three 'greats' of Stoic philosophy suggests we should look at what is in our control, our opinions views, perceptions and what is not, family, friends, politics, the weather,our environment etc.,etc. and then decide 'what is up to us', he also said,'Man is not disturbed by things, but his view of things'.

William Knauss, one of the pioneers of cognitive behaviour also said,'What happened to us may not be our fault, but it is our responsibility'....

Personally, I like the last line of William Henry Thornley's famous poem, 'Invictus', a great favourite of the late Nelson Mandela in his long march to freedom, 'I am Master of My Fate, I am Captain of My Soul.'

Sobriety is an individual responsibility, though others may share their experience, strength and hope, the rest is up to you....

PhoenixJ

I always felt a hole in my soul the earliest I remember feeling this way was when I was 4 years old.. Alcohol filled that hole- until the very worse possibilities of life happened to me. I do not drink. I work very hard to figure out what that hole was and NEEDS to be filled with. To grow into the person I should have been, am becoming.
An oldie saying here-
'What do you get when a drunken horse thief does not drink?' A sober horse thief.
The answer for me is working out what went wrong, facing that crap- feeling the growth in me and having the courage to do something about it. Takes time. I am not happy- but I am alive and grimly determined to not only survive and exist- but to grow and thrive. We can all do this- with support on a daily basis in our every day lives. From professionals, AA. SMART. SR.
Keep up the good fight, poster child. PJ

tsukiko

Thanks guys.

AV being addict voice / junk logic?

Always known I've a choice - whatever goes on around me. There are reasons, sure, but no excuses. Just whinging (and weighing up) my choices right now, I guess.

Agree Dee - I had a year and a half of counselling. Couldn't afford to carry it on, but so grateful I got that much time. Mostly why I'm clean and whinging rather than just using (though I have been drinking since on and off since Christmas).

And I've, since made a conscious effort to reconnect with a few mates, and my brother - all of whom are addicts, but working at being more in their various ways.

I just seem not as good as them at talking. I can type, but speaking...suffice to say, it's hard to explain. *eyeroll

I d'know. Maybe I just hit that two year 'itch' and having never got beyond it, or far beyond it, its become its own habit; hit two years and head back out, aye?

Ta again guys.

tsukiko

PhoenixJ - big thanks. All about filling that hole, aye. Never before really faced the possible reality though that it ain't just a matter of replacing one habit with another, y'know?

Funny, saw T2 Trainspotting the other day. Bad idea maybe, but there's this scene where two characters are discussing addiction. Renton is clean and says to Spud (who ain't): You're an addict, so be an addict. Just be addicted to something else. It's meant ironically of course. But it works because there's truth to it, y'know?

My answer to everything is and has been to just hide in the gym. But for working out to fill that hole enough, you end up there everyday, and for hours, y'know? It consumes you, just like drugs or whatever

...and prolly' because no one thing is maybe big enough to fill that void.

Like, instead, it takes filling with numerous things, I guess - facing up to stuff, dealing with the past, eating right, exercise, socialising all in combination, eh?

Tall order. But I guess 'there's the rub' after all...

And I know it, and all else...like Dee said, is just indulging in junkie logic.Typical junky - always looking for a quick fix or cure all, huh.

Thanks again guys. Truly. Appreciate y'insight, esp' when I've been letting mine get so blurry. Probably a matter of getting complacent as much as daunted, tbh.

Redmayne

'Waste no time arguing what is a good man, be a good man!' - Marcus Aurelius one of the three novas in Stoic philosophy along with Seneca and Epictetus who was at one time hos tutor....

enfinthechange

This post really resonates with me too, my life is full of the same stuff as before I just don't drink. ... same stuff to deal with, same job, same amount of washing. But now what. ....patiently being sober and willing myself to change. .... I'm quite happy now, but I worry about the future when it's not enough, I hope I will change more, but drinking as default reward / pastime /defining characteristic of my life and personality/all my friends / most of my family/cultural norm for 25 years. .....I'm scared sobriety just won't cut it. The problem is neither will drinking! So kinda stuck , is that sorta what u mean???

Maudcat

Your original post is very thoughtful, tsukiko. You articulate so very well the question that I think we drinkers and druggers inevitably encounter: what am I , who am I, without the drink or the drug?
I don't have answers. I guess that I would ask, what is the hole, the void, the empty that you cannot fill? Where does it come from?
Peace.

tsukiko

So many questions, enfinthechange: 'when it's not enough'...or if? and what is ever enough? Playing devil's advocate maybe, but those are the q's I'd be asking myself...and am, some of them.

'willing' y'self to change or changing y'self? Maybe some would say its all semantics, but I reckon wording tells a lot sometimes. *wry smile. Think Redmayne hinted at that (just with more style than me, ha) when he posted that Marcus Aurelius quote.

Also, I think so much (and whether a person's an 'addict' or not) is only seen in hindsight, or appreciated in hindsight. Then, less we scale this mountain, we won't maybe get to see just how different stuff could look...or how good the view could be...

Apologies, I warned ya' - lot of q's, but not cause I'm trying to be a trouble maker or cause offence (I don't need to try to manage that ), just genuinely interested in your thoughts, and appreciate y'reading mine too. Thanks

ah, that's a nerve hit right there, and the crux or rub of it, eh?

...although it's so strange hearing someone else say that; like, I feel the words (for sure), but hearing you say them...well, it hurts in a different way, and a way that makes me instantly wanna' reply with sommet like: sobriety won't cut it, but it'll give you the base needed to build a whole life that might.

And I believe that, wholly, and feel an urgency when I hear others voice stuff like that to wanna' show them there's always a choice and always hope. I have to believe that. And I do

...yet here I am, despite that, echoing similar. Bizarre, innit, how we screw ourselves over sometimes...

tsukiko

Maudcat - thank you...and I agree, entirely. Hence the signature, as it goes.

Brave person that dares to try answer the question though, ain't it? And that's just it, perhaps; do I have the guts for that?

I'm great at talking the talk, for sure, but Redmayne and Dee called me out already on that: ultimately, its talk. And alone, it ain't enough.

...even though I keep kidding m'self otherwise. And that's why I come here; sr at least, I know no one's going to indulge my bs or av/junk logic.

...also, a virtual slap or kick up the arse is preferable over a literal one, of course.

Redmayne

I was struck b y a parting comment Benjamin 'Hawkeye' Pierce (Alan Alda) made in a re-run of an episode of M*A*S*H I was watching recently titled 'The Bottle of War' in which, after receiving a hefty bar tab he swore off alcohol for 7 days...

Five days in and after a particularly heavy session in surgery he repaired to the Officers Mess Tent with the rest of the crew from this entertaining tv show and ordered a large scotch, on which his companions chided him pointing out how much he and his behaviour had started to improve...with him uttering the parting li9ne,'You're right, I'll have this drink when I want it not when I need it,' and leaving the bar...

I've got to say with a period of prolonged and lasting sobriety behind me how much that line struck home to me and left me wondering how many others in a similar position, no matter the length of their sobriety felt the same way to?

ScottFromWI

I was there for a long time myself tsukiko. Rationalizing, researching, bargaining with my addiction. I read articles, I read blogs, I read anything I could possibly find that could help me rationalize the decision to keep drinking. Some call it "paralysis by analysis"...but the bottom line is as you state - it's just all talk. Only action will allow you to climb back up out of the hole, and only you can take the action. I hope you'll stick around and find the motivation to make that choice - it's very much worthwhile.

Redmayne

Rationality came to me once I, not other people recognised and accepted that the answer to the one question that I asked myself constantly in my drinking days,'Why can I not stop drinking?'

Was the rational explanation that I suffered from alcoholism! The answer to which lay in the book 'Alcoholics Anonymous', in which a greater understanding of its content In was greatly assisted by listening to, whilst working my way through it, a recording of one of the late 'Charlie (Parmley) & Joe (McQuany) Bid Book Study Meetings)...

Once I understood this I made great progress in my recovery with prolonged sobriety following shortly thereafter....with no room for complacency!

You either do or do not suffer from alcoholism, which is the only disease/illness that will kill you whilst at the same time telling you, you haven't got it!The only way to deal with it is absolute abstinence together with, as you'll always suffer from it, learning to change your perception of it and yourself...

zerothehero

Thanks, I connected with this thread. I started drinking and drugging in 1973 when I was twelve years old and didn't stop for forty years. I've embraced the spirit of recovery, but I admit the word itself does not speak to me, perhaps because it implies going back. The dictionary definition uses words like "returning" and "regaining," but I don't sense that this is the essence of what is called recovery.

I feel that I am not so much in recovery as I am in discovery. Through the process of learning to simply be, I am becoming the person I have long thought I would one day become, though I could not have known who that would be. Rather than recovering, I am uncovering the self I had long buried. There is no going back. There will be no more burying of the past or turning away from the present. There is only discovery, and I realize now that I have always possessed the courage to face what may come. I needed only to sit still for a time and let it happen.

tomls

tsukiko, I am very new at this but from what I've read here, you would do better listening than talking.

tsukiko

Wow. And thank you, Zero. Really. Given me a lot to think on, and admire.

Carpathia

I like that: I'm in uncovery!

LadyBlue0527

I did feel exactly that way tsukiko. The only way I relieved the feeling was working on building a sober life that surpassed my drinking life. Only then did I stop feeling like I was missing out on something. Still looking to that liquid as the ultimate reward. If you can eek out a sober life the right way that same liquid or drug becomes a putrid memory that can be viewed as something that will take away the goodness that you've built.

Not an easy task but when accomplished, so so worth the effort and hard work.

You can do this. You can!

What do you think you could do differently this time? What can you use as a replacement for a while as the reward/benefit for your go to until you get accustomed to your new sober life?

Aduklips

Sorry if I did this wrong, since I've never posted until now. I'm coming up on 5 years of sobriety, having attended AA for only a short time at the beginning. I prefer the words " in remission" to " in recovery". Alcoholism is, to me, similar to certain types of cancer in that it can always come back. And when it does, it's with a vengeance.

I too researched the hell out of alcoholism until I, as they say, got sick of being sick. Humans' ability to rationalize is amazing.

QUOTE=zerothehero;6338297]Thanks, I connected with this thread. I started drinking and drugging in 1973 when I was twelve years old and didn't stop for forty years. I've embraced the spirit of recovery, but I admit the word itself does not speak to me, perhaps because it implies going back. The dictionary definition uses words like "returning" and "regaining," but I don't sense that this is the essence of what is called recovery.

I feel that I am not so much in recovery as I am in discovery. Through the process of learning to simply be, I am becoming the person I have long thought I would one day become, though I could not have known who that would be. Rather than recovering, I am uncovering the self I had long buried. There is no going back. There will be no more burying of the past or turning away from the present. There is only discovery, and I realize now that I have always possessed the courage to face what may come. I needed only to sit still for a time and let it happen.[/QUOTE]