Can a guy ask?

[wis2no]

Three weeks ago I asked my wife and her daughter to move in with family after a second relapse and refusal for further treatment. I am still firm with that decision, but love and miss her. How do I know whether or not she still loves me? She hasn't said she doesn't, although she's had plenty of opportunities, and because I am working very hard at the detachment, I don't know anything about what she's doing. I don't know whether or not there is someone else. Thanks, wis2no

[JasonB]

You asked her to leave due to a relapse? And you two are living seperately at the moment?
What are you doing for yourself during this? What are you doing to get into solution with this problem?

[2Sunshine]

Hi Wis2no,

Addiction can leave them feeling very vulnerable. I asked my AH to leave and I too wanted to hear him say some lovely things to me, but that was wishful thinking. It may be impossible for them to still express that...they have alot going on in their minds when they feel we do not want them anymore. So you may want to can the idea of having her express that right now, especially if she is still using. SHe may just know that you are firm with your decision and feel as if it is no use in playing on the emotional rollercoaster right now. Or she could be ashamed or like you said, someone else or something else. Trying to read someone is difficult without getting info straight from the horses mouth.

OF course you miss and love her, that portion is hardly ever the question. Most times we just have to be prepared to live with our decisions, no matter what's going on with our others. I am also quit sure she does love you, but then it is hard to measure that when people are in their addictions.

So we have to focus on ourselves and get ourselves recovered. Take care...and yes, a guy can ask, you are human with human emotions, being a man doesn't exempt you from that. Love knows no gender.

[wis2no]

Jason and Sunshine,
I am reading, Love First, and Codependent No More, and keeping busy with work and hobbies, grandkids, etc. I go to alanon once a week and hit this site regularly.
You're right about expecting to hear something. We only converse about issues that need to be addressed, but there is no fighting. She knows I love her and that I am firm in my belief that she needs additional treatment. If I know that this is best for her and that I will simply enable if she's here with me, then to love her is to stand fast. If that results in losing her, but contributes to her recovery, then I can live with the decision
Thanks for the replies wis2no

[Dunitall]

Hi Wis

I am in recovery following years of alcoholism. My g/f and I still live together (and work together). We know that we love each other, just don't discuss it.

Like you we have established detachment. You need this for both of you to work on yourselves. There is no time limit on this and you really don't need to plan ahead. You will both know when the time is right for you to express your love for each other.

Take one day at a time. You can do this!! Keep telling yourself "I can do this".

Stay cool Wis. All will be well.

Rich

[JasonB]

Wis,

Sounds like you know exactly what to do...*S*


I will only suggest upping the amount of your Alanon meetings...Im 6 1/2 years sober and a grateful memeber of the AFG. My alcoholic that got me to these rooms couldnt get it...if it wasnt for the members of Alanon, the men especially, I most likely would have chased that woman down again and again.

Good luck to you...

Jason