BrendaChenowyth

I think one of my problems with maintaining my sobriety has to do with not feeling like I fit in anywhere. I meet people that have or have had addictions and I don't feel like I click with them.

I don't click with the friends who are currently drinking, because while I understand why they do it, I don't want to be an enabler and if I want to be sober I can't spend my time with other people still using alcohol. They also don't care about anything or want to talk about getting better.

I don't click with the friends who are sober because they have lots of time under their belt, and I don't so I can't relate to that. They also usually are very very religious and I am not. They have moved on from their addiction and don't want to talk about being where I am.

I don't enjoy going to AA meetings because it is an hour long, of which fifteen or so minutes are spent reading through the 12 steps and 12 traditions, and then people speak.. and you have the people who speak of nothing but alcohol, or they ramble on and on incoherently because they are under the impression they have to speak and have to fill the three minutes... I don't learn anything and I don't get anything out of it.

I don't know where to turn to feel connected. Denying that I'm an alcoholic hasn't helped me in my recovery, but focusing on my alcoholism hasn't either because of the shame and the negativity that comes with that.

Darwinia

You are in a fix. I would suggest finding common ground with something that has nothing to do with addiction. Join a sport club, music society, dance classes, choir or the like. Try and share your interests with like minded people irrespective of whether they drink or not.

BrendaChenowyth

I want to feel connected to others who understand what I am going through. Most social events include drinks.

biminiblue

I really like the St. Francis prayer: even if you are not "religious," the thought conveyed here is a good one.

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.

O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.

BrendaChenowyth

Am I looking for the wrong kinds of connections with people?

biminiblue

Well, if you are looking to be fulfilled by others, or even completely understood - I find that to be a very frustrating experience.

MIRecovery

When we look for what we can give instead of what we can get our attitude toward life will change.

KeyofC

I am over a year sober now and I have to say I STILL am dealing with being uncomfortable. I know it's where I am supposed to be and I know it usually means personal growth. I have changed and I have changed a lot. My personal relationships really show it and it's hard to do new relationships because of a lot of unexplained things about myself that I am still tuning into. My husband and I have this conversation all the time. I was afraid he'd leave me because I quit drinking..I'm not his drinking buddy anymore. He was afraid I'd leave him because he does drink. He told me he gets frustrated because the "me" he used to know is completely different and that my mannerisms are so foreign to him. I never even thought of it that way. We are just now getting back to enjoying each other's company. I've had to figure out who the hell I am...all over again. It's been scary, frustrating, disappointing..but I am telling you it's also been the most rewarding thing I've ever done. I believe in myself now.
I do agree with Biminiblue...It's taken me a long time (and I still have to check myself) to learn that people and things don't make me happy. They may add color, but I am in charge of my own tapestry..I control the brush.
Uncomfortable means growth. Embrace it. Don't be down or so hard on yourself. In a way, you could be warding people off and not even realizing it. It'll come together, just keep working on yourself! Hang in there!

BrendaChenowyth

Key... What you're saying makes sense. I also like the quote in your signature "People won't like me because they don't have a heart like mine". I take it to mean that people will gravitate toward who they are most like, so instead of worrying about figuring out what's on someone else's heart, just make sure your own is in the right place and those who have a heart like yours will like you and those who don't won't.

KeyofC

The quote is actually about expectation. If I expect people to behave a certain way, I will be let down every time. I have to remember to do things and not expect anything in return. I was so hurt by how people responded to things. Something I said or done, thinking out of the kindest of my heart. I would think in return they would be eternally grateful, overwhelmed with joy...that kind of thing. Someone on SR said that I can't expect people to respond the way I would, they aren't like me and if I did think that way I would always be let down. So very true. Do things no matter what. Do them out of kindness because you really want to. I need that reminder a lot.

FarToGo

Beautiful, I'm so grateful to have read this today.
xx

Dee74

I like Bim's point about expectations - I was always looking to people to complete me...but I mistrusted people, or was scared of opening up too much, and kept them at arms length.

No wonder I drank, right?


There's a great sense of community here Brenda and I hope you'll feel it
SR helped me turn my life around

D

soberclover

I must echo what Dee said about a sense of community here on SR. I've been here for a few years and although there is a high level of people remaining anonymous I still feel like I "know" people and feel connected to them through there sharing what is going on with them in their lives.

This really is a great place

BrendaChenowyth

My name is not Brenda Chenowyth. She is my favorite character from Six Feet Under. So I'll be myself as I post here, but you won't know who I am. Alcoholics, anonymous.

Leezer

I no longer look for people to complete me, but rather compliment me. As my mother used to say, "If you allow someone to fill in a hole in your life, then you also allow them to remove that piece of you at their will."

I am on month 5 of sobriety, and my friendships have definitely changed. I am seeing who my real friends are, for sure. I thought I had many, but the cherished few have really stepped up and love me for who I am.

It is possible to go to social events without there being drinking involved. I have been to several lunches with good friends, some of who drink, and no alcohol was involved. I have also been around good friends who are heavy drinkers, and I love them, but I don't hear from them as much...I had a particular weekend when I was begged to visit and it turned out great and they drank less....

We can't live out of fear of being around alcohol forever. It is everywhere, but that does not mean we have to partake. I agree with you, I am not keen on going to a place where people are blind drunk, so what I do now is go to a function early and leave when people start to get tipsy. Then I don't feel isolated, and as they remember it, I was present.

I really also agree about the giving part. I feel like I have been given the gift of sobriety, and though I have to work on it, I also feel a responsibility to give back. It has worked out tremendously. Whether it be a simple call to a friend I have not heard from or talked to in a while, or posting on SR in threads like yours to just give a helpful comment or two.

Sobriety is a wonderful gift and you deserve it. Allow yourself a little slack. Many people can't do it.
Wishing you all the best!!

August252015

It sounds like you are spreading energy in a scattered fashion. Perhaps focus on one area or idea for potential connection, say for the day or the week. Ex, I got into the habit about 2 mo ago (I am 157 days sober) of reaching out to five or so people a day somehow; from there I try to have one social, fun thing on my schedule a week. Or, I found a different format of AA mtg to attend one week; I do not like the 12 min spent reading steps and trad at first so I go 3x wk to one that says we practice them but do not read them aloud, as the intro).

fini

something i heard that makes so much sense to me: if you don't hear what you need at a meeting, for heavens sake speak up and say it!

changes my focus.

feeling /getting really connected with others took me a long time. lots of my own crap to work through.
eventually, it got easier and better.

miamifella

I know that when I became open with my friends about being an addict, they made a big effort to do things with me without alcohol present.

Finally I had to say, if you want to have wine or beer with dinner in a restaurant, I am okay.

But their support helped early on.

Maybe there are non-alcoholic friends you can talk to?

Berrybean

I'd suggest trying some diffrent meetings. The ones that I find to be the more solution focussed ones are the Big Book study or 12 and 12 study ones. When they're focussed on a specific aspect of recovery there are less problem focussed shares. That said, we also sometimes need to adjust our own expectations, and also take it upon ourselves to look for the similarities rather than the differences. Some of the most useful chats I had when first going to AA were while setting and clearing up, or in the break, on a more 1 to 1 basis with members who seemed to me to have a happy and healthy sobriety.

Reading the literature and listening to speaker recordings also helped me a bunch (when I finally got willing to explore these). 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!

I'd also say that although it's great if you can 'enjoy' the meetings, to be honest, they're not necessarily supposed to be fun and enjoyable, any more than a therapy session would be. This is work. Important work. If you want to make friends then you can always join other clubs and societies that are more activity or interest based for that.

IvanMike

Focusing on the solution works for me.

I'm not connected on a deep level to everyone in Narcotics Anonymous, and that's a good thing. However there is a small group of people who I have developed relationships with who love me unconditionally.

These connections didn't just happen. I had to show up for them and develop them over time.

Hang in there. It's normal to to feel like you're not connected in early recovery, and from time to time as if progresses.