Don't Feel Like I Belong

[jazpoppy]

Hi;

I am having trouble with denial again. I had posted before saying that I was giving up and going to continue to use and drink when I felt like it. I am sad because I am on a chronic pain management program (I take narcotics from my doctor as prescribed) for a severe back injury. I fear that if I go to meetings I will be accused of being active, when I know I could not get out of bed, be able to work, or take care of my son if I didn't have strong pain medication. I am only 27 and don't want to be crippled. I was using a cane and falling alot before I got medicated. In fact I was so depressed at that time that I drank to get rid of the pain, and even tried Crystal Meth to deal with the pain. I had to sign a contract from my Dr.'s office, I get random urine tests (for other drugs, except alcohol, they said that they don't care much about that as long as you are not drinking more than one or two drinks a day), and I have to pick up my prescription in person only after a certain amount of time has gone by. My B/F helps me a lot too with moral support. I drank 6 twisted teas this weekend on Saturday. I was only going to have one or two but I wanted to finish them so that they didn't go to waste. So I am not sure about my alcoholism. Everyone on my mom's side of the family is or was an alcoholic. Does that mean that I am too? I drank heavily in high school and drank ONLY to get drunk as I hated the taste. I drank on the weekends in college again only to get drunk. I stopped drinking when pregnant (at age 20), and didn't really start getting drunk again until I was 23. From about 24 yrs old to present, I went out each weekend and drank about 4-9 drinks and drove home. I also would hang out with my drinking pals during the week and drink a few drinks (I seem to not be able to only have 1 drink). So I feel I should call my self alcoholic/addict and go to meetings, but I am afraid of ridicule or harsh judgement. Help please...

Jocelyn

[Sandy Marie]

Hello Joceyln,
Denial is a tough road to be going down when the truth is blaring at us like a lighted billboard. Because of your chronic health condition, I can imagine you feel much despair and frustration.
If you can still make it to meetings, please don't tell everyone that you're on prescription medications. The general membership doesn't need to know this, especially if it's compromising your ability to quit drinking alcohol and finding a support group. If they appear to be nosy about your condition, just give them the bare minimum, and that's all.
This is not easy to do, but it's better than wishing you could attend and being afraid. I'm glad you posted and I hope you'll come back soon and tell us that you gave it another try. Whether it's meetings or some other helpful support...you need it now more than ever!
Prayers, Sandy

[Dawn10]

:rose
I hear despair and hopelessness in your posting and I know that feeling. Things are complicated by chronic pain and it is a vicious cycle, isn't it?
Try the meetings. If you have to ask the question, you probably are an alcoholic. But, all the others at your meeting will be too, so instead of rididule and blame, you will find support and understanding. You don't even have to talk at the first meeting. Just go and listen. Get comfortable. Please try it and just see. The first one is the hardest.

[ted]

HEY JOCELYN,SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT ALL YOUR PAIN.
YOUR NOT USING TO GET HIGH YOUR TAKING MEDICATION FOR PAIN.
BIG DIFFERENCE THERE.AS FAR AS THE MEETINGS GO,MY OPINION IS TO GO.
IF SOMEBODY HAS A PROBLEM WITH WHAT YOUR DOING THAT'S ON THEM.
DON'T LET THAT KEEP YOU FROM GOING!!!
AA WORKS TOO.NOBODY SAID YOU HAVE TO LET EVERYBODY IN ON YOUR LIFE STORY.
I SUGGEST FINDING A SPONSOR FOR THAT.
MY OPINION.
I WISH YOU THE BEST,MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU...........ted

[Anna]

Hi Jocelyn,

I agree with Ted that you're using your pain meds as carefully prescribed by your dr because of chronic pain. I think living in pain can be almost unbearable and the quality of your life would be greatly altered without medication.

It seems to me that you need only share your condition with people you choose to know about it.

Only you can decide if you're alcoholic, but, in my opinion you probably are. You have a family history and you drink to get drunk and you can't stop after just one drink. Those are definitely signs of alcoholism.

I hope you will hang around here and get to know us. You can find lots of support here.

Love, Anna

[jazpoppy]

You guys are so great. I appreciate the fast responses. I feel loved on these boards. I will try to get to a morning meeting this week, they are less itimidating with a lot of new comers like me. I am going to try this one more time and hope that the miracle everyone talks about will happen to me. Thanks once again.

love;

Jocelyn :boat

[ted]

ALL RIGHT!!!

[jazpoppy]

[Gooch]

jaz

go to NA meetings and if anyone seems adversarial about the meds you are taking, ask them if they have read "In times of Illness"

http://www.markelliot.com/naillness.html

You are a member when you say you are. Trust me I've felt that discomfort of feeling like I don't fit in. It was one of the reasons I used in the first place.

[jazpoppy]

Thanks Gooch. I am starting to realize that I need and deserve to continue my recovery. Staying away from meetings had brought me into drinking heavily a few times a week, and I am struggling with fear and loss of control. Unmanageablity is the word for it. I am going to keep trying everyday. Thanks again.

Luv

Jocelyn