Are addicts capable of loving others?

[lonlion]

OK here we go with this thread. I have my own oppinions of this, but would like to here from addicts/alcoholics as well as codies.

I understand that when in active using I did in fact choose my DOC over the welfare of family and friends. Was it selfish....absolutely. I did love my kids, family, my friends. Maybe I am just trying to make myself feel better. It's true my kids said on a regular basis, if you loved me you would quit.
So lets hear from you on this

[lonlion]

Does that mean that cigarette smokers cannot love? They have an active addiction.
Also what about the disease concept. Are people with diseases capable of love.
Input please

[splendra]

To the extent that one puts any thing or stubstance ahead of the welfare of their loved ones including themselves is the extent of there lack of love thereof.

If you want to talk about disease.....How many cancer patients go ahead and take treatment and endure the pain and sickness in hopes that will give them more time with their loved ones? As long as an addict continues to use they are putting their drug ahead of their family. When they go into treatment or start going to meetings they are bringing forth love....if they work their program their family will most definatly feel loved.

A smoker who smokes around their children or other non smokers without reguard for the health and well being of others is displaying a lack of love and concern as much as any other addict....IMO

[lonlion]

You're right and I have had some time to think about this since posting. Smoking is a selfish addiction like the others, maybe even more so because the second hand smoke effects others in the room. Maybe I was just grasping at straws to defend my loving the people around me.
It made me wonder about wedding vows one takes if they are still actively using. Opens up a big can of worms for me, maybe I would just rather not deal with the worms.
Thanks for your comment

[jpc2505]

This is a good topic. Ok, here's my opinion. An addict is capable of love, but I think most addicts are absorbed in self-love. I know making myself feel good was more important than my childrens needs. This is one of the hardest things for me to face during my recovery, that over the last three years I neglected my children emotionally. I can change now, but I can never give them back those years. This is what is keeping me from using again...I think I've stolen enough time from them already. Now all I can do is try to make it up to them for the remainder of their short childhood. I know I always loved my children, but I sure the hell didn't show it!

[sst215]

Originally Posted by splendra

To the extent that one puts any thing or stubstance ahead of the welfare of their loved ones including themselves is the extent of there lack of love thereof.

If you want to talk about disease.....How many cancer patients go ahead and take treatment and endure the pain and sickness in hopes that will give them more time with their loved ones? As long as an addict continues to use they are putting their drug ahead of their family. When they go into treatment or start going to meetings they are bringing forth love....if they work their program their family will most definatly feel loved.

A smoker who smokes around their children or other non smokers without reguard for the health and well being of others is displaying a lack of love and concern as much as any other addict....IMO

Thanks for the thought,..!!!

[ChrisMan]

Well said, JPC.

I think that addiction is basically a turning in on oneself, and part of recovery involves learning how to love. It is a movement away from selfishness and toward others.

I am in recovery from sexual addiction, which can really complicate things. Sex addicts often have a great deal of difficulty in understanding the difference between love and lust -- and where one ends and the other begins. Relationships with others can waver in between the two, and I often have to ask myself if I am truly interested in the other person or if I am at least partially satisfying my addiction. It's not an easy journey, but one well worth taking, this journey of recovery.

[ButterflyChaser]

wOW Cynthia!!!! I can SO much relate to your reply! about the songs! I always loved music & poems, listening to the lyrics, I am still that way!!
Your post inspired me, very much...just wanted u to know that!

addicts? ummm...are they capable of love?? Well HELL YEAH!! We are all human, humans LOVE! addiction is a disease, selfish thing, i was very self centered & selfish in my addiction, BUt NEVER, NEVER did I ever stop or not feel any love for the ones that I love & love me!!
"If you loved me, you wouldn't drink/do drugs: If you love me, you'll stop,!! I've heard it, has NOTHING to do w/love in my opion! I CHOSE to do drugs! I don't chose LOVE, LOVE is a feeling you can't control, No matter what!

That's just my thoughts though

[Gooch]

I believe that addicts are ideed capable of love, and that the only thing that ever stopped them from loving was fear of rejection. If you don't feel worthy of loving yourself how in the world are you going to let anyone else love you or know how to love them back?

[jsdgirl]

I agree with all of you all, love is a very hard to thing to express in active addiction and in recovery. In active addiction your first thought is your drug and than when we get clean we put recovery first. Alot of loved ones do not understand. They think that they are being let down once again. But I think after time when you are able to express yourself in a more open and honest way, they start to see the change. For me, i gave up the love of my life when i first got clean because I hated what I had done to him, now at 7 months clean, we have the best relationship I could ever have ask for.

[ButterflyChaser]

Your welcome Cynthia!! anytime, besides, those are words right from my heart! I speak what's on my mind! lol ((((((((cynthia)))))))

[njriverman]

I think Bradshaw had it right.... how can two half's have a whole relationship?

One needs to be healthy before they can love healthily and be in a realtioship.

ACTIVE Addicts/coaddicts do a twisted dance until they crash and burn..... unless they get healthy......... at which point they can love and can survive because they are THEN not active addicts/coaddicts.

You can only attract someone as sick or sicker than yourself!
Given this, I want to get a lot healthier before I hook up again!

[Sigh]

"Are addicts capable of loving others?"

Yes
*************

I wonder if in the darkness of full addiction if they think they are worthy of love.

[paragonlost]

Originally Posted by Sigh

"Are addicts capable of loving others?"

Yes
*************

I wonder if in the darkness of full addiction if they think they are worthy of love.

Yes I think addicts are capable of loving others, I just think sometimes they don't show it because they are more worried about getting their " fix"

As for teh second part, i doubt that most in the drkness of addiction think they are worthy of love, I know I don't

[Jive]

I am glad this has been posted. . .after I read that addicts do not love, I became deffensive in the way that I feel my partner loves me. . .I never thought he loved the drug more then me, or anyone. . .I just know it has a hold on him like nothing I have ever seen!!!
Thank you everyone!

[abtchonamission]

Lonlion, thanks for this post. I know my A loves me, even in his active addiction I never once doubted that. But, I'm sooooo codie, it's nice to hear it confirmed!!!!!

[Crisinmn]

Hey all interesting question.I have some of my own.I am in love with a recovering addict.She became abusive and difficult and then ended the relationship in a rage.She then went right into another relationship with the woman she cheated on me with.Now she still calls me and want's to spend time with me.We have slept together since she decided to call me again.My question is what is going on?She claims to be in a committed relationship with this woman (who she has tried twice before to be with but it ended)She has asked me not to call her she will call me.Then she tells me her gf is strong enough to withstand her cheating,and will forgive her no matter what.Ain't that a doozy?Why is she still calling me and wanting to be with me?I love her so of course It's hard to say no to her,but I am confused about where this is going.She has only been clean for almost nine months now.When we met she was clean for 6 months and I was very supportive of her and still am.She also said she wanted us to work through things and be together for life,then she corrected herself and said well I did want us to.She seems very confused but I can't give up on her because I love her so much.Anybody have some opinions?

[Ann]

Are addicts capable of loving others? Of course they are, we all are. Are they/we capable of healthy relationships? Not when we are active in addiction or codependency. I believe the love is there, even when the relationship is not, and with recovery on both parts, we/they can have both love and a healthy relationship.

Hugs
Ann

[nutz]

recovery is all about relationships
with my higher power
myself (know thy self)
relationship with others

when both partners work their program. it's the greatest thing
in the world. It's been most fullfilling and most disapponited
When I love, I feel like I'm in heven
when my heart breaks, it's tears my soul to pieces. Thats what god is for.
I'm certainly not numb anymore.

Growth even under the sheets.
I"m teachable, communitcate, take suggustions. apply my A B Cs.
getting out of myself , give to live. I know she aint faking it.lol
Changes ?? you don't have to do it the same way all the time.
Get out of your comfort zone. do it different, in different places.
I dare you to live !!!

apply the priniples in all our affairs.

go to meetings no matter what
take her flowers no matter what..don't stop after you have six months.

Intimate relationships is such a taboo subjust that we hardly discuss it.
Like i would magicly learn how to do it just becuase I have over 1 year.
many that came before me...didn't have a clue either.

guys are stupid....but i'm teachable and willing to take directions
I got me a book...1001 ways how to be romatic.
read the book.
took the suggestions
and apply it.
it works if you work it.

I learnd how to write love poems from writing my journal.
I bought her nick nac romatic stuff or flowers every thursday...structure.lol

LOVE GOD
LOVE YOURSELF
SHARE LOVE WITH ONE ANoTHER.....so you don't get co-dependent

you only have today so...love deeper and speak a little sweeter
and if didn't kill you , It'll made you a better person.

I will only be attracted to a person that is as well or as sick as I am.
Or
it takes a bitch like her to love a buaster like me.

[Godsgirl]

Thanks Lonlion for posting this topic. Yes in my opionion and addict is capable of loving....just seems like in my case there are selfish motives at times.....It seems my Addict boyfriend shows me a lot of love when he wants me to loan him money just before his pay day which I have recently stopped, because it seems to always backfire.

He forgets the sacrifice I made and just gets ugly and does not want to give me anything without expecting somthing back soon after. I told him that i dont think everything should be split down the middle all the time in terms of giving and money. He tells me he loves me all the time, makes passionate love to me all the time and shows it often, but he seems to have a problem with giving without expecting a payback every time.

Case and point...he got paid this past Monday. He worked minimal hours and only got a small check compared to what he usually gets, so he gives me $20 and tells me he gets paid Friday (today) and will see what he can do. So, I had to borrow $300 to help pay my rent and ch support check he knows about.

Well, he asked me to accompany him on Tuesday to the foot doctor for support and afterwards says he wants to barbeque and have some beer, told me to purchase the goods and he would pay me back plus give me $50 today.

Due to the world series or whatever else, I did not see him after he cooked on Tuesday, but he stopped by this morning on his way to work when he wanted some leftover food. I told him my kids and I did eat the rest of the meat. He got ticked off and said "well okay you can pay for half since you ate the rest"... I refused. He then said well I will pay for the food and thats all. (meaning he would not give me the $50 as promised at first)...slammed the door on the way out......NOW HOW SELFISH IS THAT? I LOVE HIM, HE LOVES ME (TELLS ME ALL THE TIME), BUT WHY DOES HE ACT THIS WAY....FORGETTING ALL ABOUT ME SPENDING MY MONEY TO BUY HIS BROKE A__ SOME BEER? It wont happen again...nope! had enough already sheesh! :cursebunn