How did i get here?

[dotcom]

Sometimes when i look back on my life i only see the 19 months period of time that i have been clean and making an effort to recover. Its almost like i get so busy or consumed with something that when i look back on the past i choose to only see "what i can handle" or "what i want to see". Its not only that i have a selective memory, my addict nature likes to think i've got it ALL figured out. When in reality, i dont. My reality includes those years that i used as well as this past 19 months of clean time and everything that led up to my using.

When i deny that past, it hurts. Not only is it a part of me, it's my own special journey that has taken me through many life lessons. I am still learning a lot. And i am most definately still a spring chicken.

The past is tricky ... there's parts i could have controlled and theres parts i had no control over. For instance, i am adopted. I had absolutely no say in that situation. However, since i have met my bio family i have been faced with times that ive been put in the position of choosing who to see and who not to see. When i look at this situation i feel very uncomfortable and my first reaction is to lash out in anger and excuse my behavior by saying i have no control of the circumstances therefor i have no control over my emotions. In my heart i know my situation is a sad and very dysfunctional one, and most of the time my heart aches over it. But i am learning that when i handle myself appropriately, i make the healthiest choice for myself. And its not just because my psychologist, family, and friends say its the "right way to handle things" its because i feel mentally, emotionally and physically better when i take control of my emotions.

I hate to look back on things in my past that have caused trauma for me. I also hate to face the fact that i am dually diagnosed and that fron meth abuse my problems are aggravated. Then i feel empty and afraid and i feel like crying out "how did i get here!?". But whats important is that there is much more to my life than addiction and mental problems and emotional problems. and that is what i want to remember and hang onto!

thanks for letting me share!

[splendra]

Dotty-

I think what you maybe doing is "owning" who you are. I know with our kind of past that it is difficult to process. I did meth too when I was young and litteral traveled light years away from myself. When I was a small child I was forced into an adult care taker role. So I have in some ways had to be a little girl again at least emotionally and mentally just so I could become who I really am. It has been hard processing it all. Getting in touch with my inner brat was extreemly painful at first and I did not want to do it. But, now I am glad I know this inner brat because she has been in control without my knowing it and when she is in control my life is not fun now I can just ask her what she wants it is usually something simple not scary like I used to think. But she was very scared for a very long time and she had no comfort because she had been completely abandoned.

I am so glad that you are being so honest with yourself about where you have been and what you are feeling. It has to be better than running away. I am so glad you have come back. You are an inspiration to us all here you are are favorite girl and I am sure I speak for most everyone here.....

[best]

How did you get here? At SR?

I am sure you were guided here as so many are.

My past is also my past. Would I change any of it?

I am not sure. There are parts I don't like, wouldn't want others to go through and wish I didn't need go through either.
But yes as you said... they are the things that make me who I am today and for that I am greatful in a sense for all that my past holds. greatful that I was able to learn from it and now may be able to help others avoid the same or learn from their own as well.