oppression, self-oppression, addiction
waking down
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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oppression, self-oppression, addiction
I read this paragraph from Brendon Burchard's The Motivation Manifesto and it struck me that it speaks to the existential crisis that facilitated my slip from a guy that liked to party to a miserable addict. I think it's worth sharing; maybe it will strike a chord:
"We inherently know that, when controlled by others, life loses its flair and we are cast into melancholy and mediocrity. Without such striving for individual freedom, what becomes of us? We relinquish our free will to a society of strangers that speaks not of liberty and courage but of conformity and caution. Our true self is subjugated and a pseudo self emerges, a mere reflection of a society that has lost its way. 'They' start running our lives and soon we are not 'us' anymore, just walking zombies filled with the commands of others' preferences and expectations. We become those masked souls who spend their time wandering in a wildernesses of sameness and sadness. We become tired and weak. We lose our nature. And then we see the worst of human behavior - a mass of people who do not speak up for themselves or others but rather do only what they are told."
I think this fits here because if for some of us this is part of our struggle with addiction, perhaps it ought to be addressed when we are looking at "What is Recovery?" I've been 15 years feeling stuck in a job with which I have been dissatisfied, but for financial reasons (I would likely lose my house, for one thing) I haven't resigned. All along I have been belittled, ignored, abused, and forced to do work that means nothing to me and has nothing to do with my graduate education and training. Indeed, the piles of BS make it impossible for me to do what I had originally set out to do. It's not going to change, and I've done all I could to accept it or work around it... So, now what?
"We inherently know that, when controlled by others, life loses its flair and we are cast into melancholy and mediocrity. Without such striving for individual freedom, what becomes of us? We relinquish our free will to a society of strangers that speaks not of liberty and courage but of conformity and caution. Our true self is subjugated and a pseudo self emerges, a mere reflection of a society that has lost its way. 'They' start running our lives and soon we are not 'us' anymore, just walking zombies filled with the commands of others' preferences and expectations. We become those masked souls who spend their time wandering in a wildernesses of sameness and sadness. We become tired and weak. We lose our nature. And then we see the worst of human behavior - a mass of people who do not speak up for themselves or others but rather do only what they are told."
I think this fits here because if for some of us this is part of our struggle with addiction, perhaps it ought to be addressed when we are looking at "What is Recovery?" I've been 15 years feeling stuck in a job with which I have been dissatisfied, but for financial reasons (I would likely lose my house, for one thing) I haven't resigned. All along I have been belittled, ignored, abused, and forced to do work that means nothing to me and has nothing to do with my graduate education and training. Indeed, the piles of BS make it impossible for me to do what I had originally set out to do. It's not going to change, and I've done all I could to accept it or work around it... So, now what?
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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In the abstract, no one controls us. I think that we make of our situation what we choose, within the options that are available to us. But, since we are real and not abstract, we are in a relationship with our environment and we have responsibility which we can not escape. In that sense, we are controlled by forces outside of us (people, etc.).
Everything about us is a product of our relationship with our environment. Everything we think, everything we desire, everything we dislike are formed from our relationship with our environment.
Being independent of the relationship is a fantasy, or a thought experiment. Things that we don't like which have parts we can identify as originating externally to us, i.e. difficulty we see as being forced upon us, are likely to be in a broader context where we play a part.
But, the part one plays in relationships are not all equal. So, if you live in the Bikini Islands and people blow up your island, the context in which you are responsible is pretty obscure. It would be normal to talk about it as the destruction of your home having been forced upon you.
In terms of how your topic relates to a definition of recovery from addiction, once acquiring some amount of aptitude for not upsetting ourselves, there is the harder work of being responsible with others. For example, not upsetting yourself about a financial crisis, doesn't cause the crisis to go away. You also have to relate to others in ways that are not your choice to make.
Coming from feeling helpless against scenarios that one describes out of context, seeing that you can choose to not upset yourself is an important realization. After that, it is important to not fool ourselves that we are independent and act selfishly and disastrously.
Everything about us is a product of our relationship with our environment. Everything we think, everything we desire, everything we dislike are formed from our relationship with our environment.
Being independent of the relationship is a fantasy, or a thought experiment. Things that we don't like which have parts we can identify as originating externally to us, i.e. difficulty we see as being forced upon us, are likely to be in a broader context where we play a part.
But, the part one plays in relationships are not all equal. So, if you live in the Bikini Islands and people blow up your island, the context in which you are responsible is pretty obscure. It would be normal to talk about it as the destruction of your home having been forced upon you.
In terms of how your topic relates to a definition of recovery from addiction, once acquiring some amount of aptitude for not upsetting ourselves, there is the harder work of being responsible with others. For example, not upsetting yourself about a financial crisis, doesn't cause the crisis to go away. You also have to relate to others in ways that are not your choice to make.
Coming from feeling helpless against scenarios that one describes out of context, seeing that you can choose to not upset yourself is an important realization. After that, it is important to not fool ourselves that we are independent and act selfishly and disastrously.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Originally Posted by zerothehero 
It's not going to change, and I've done all I could to accept it or work around it... So, now what?
How great would it feel to slowly and deliberately transition to a place where you feel valuable and are valued? Where is this place? When you look around, who is doing the work that you would like to be doing? How did s/he get there?
My vote is to go for it, zerothehero.
waking down
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
Bob, I think we would agree that it's not that we are controlled, but that we allow ourselves to be controlled. In my case, I feel I've been working on a ship of fools, and when I attempt to steer things right I'm continuously shot down.
Verte, I agree. The sad thing is that when I look around, no one is doing the work that I would like to - and was hired to - do. Not in my immediate locale, anyway. I am on a one year transition plan. We have some new leadership, so I'll see how it goes. If nothing changes, I will be in a position financially to move on. If the house sells, well, no problem there.
From a recovery standpoint, it is very much about changing my internal as well as my external environment that I believe is essential to a recovery beyond white knuckled sobriety. I'm getting there internally even though my external environment remains essentially the same. The question, really, is how long do I want to feel like I'm wasting my time and my potential talents in exchange for financial security?
Not much longer, for sure.
So I wonder, how many out there turn to substances due to dreams deferred?
Verte, I agree. The sad thing is that when I look around, no one is doing the work that I would like to - and was hired to - do. Not in my immediate locale, anyway. I am on a one year transition plan. We have some new leadership, so I'll see how it goes. If nothing changes, I will be in a position financially to move on. If the house sells, well, no problem there.
From a recovery standpoint, it is very much about changing my internal as well as my external environment that I believe is essential to a recovery beyond white knuckled sobriety. I'm getting there internally even though my external environment remains essentially the same. The question, really, is how long do I want to feel like I'm wasting my time and my potential talents in exchange for financial security?
Not much longer, for sure.
So I wonder, how many out there turn to substances due to dreams deferred?
waking down
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
A Dream Deferred
by Langston Hughes
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
by Langston Hughes
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 105
If someone drops an anvil on your head, you did not choose to allow an anvil to hit you on the head. You were controlled by another person. The idea that only we can upset ourselves is a teaching with a context. It's not a universal truth.
If you are unaware of the concept that we can avoid upsets in the face of external events, the teaching is significant. Once you are aware of the concept, there is next reality to deal with, in which you can upset other people and other people can upset you.
In order to deal with reality, you must be aware of your effect on other people, and other people's effect on you. Otherwise, you will be living in a fantasy world and eventually crash into reality in which the cute saying does not apply.
If you are disadvantaged in some scenario and you take the cute saying as a universal truth, since you will not be able to avoid upsetting yourself sometimes you will strengthen a disproportionately negative view of yourself. Because you will frequently be "upsetting yourself" when you are mistreated.
If you are advantaged in many scenarios and you take the saying as universal truth, you will become a callus individual surrounded by other callus individuals who would not be bothered by taking advantage of each other.
To deal with the limitations imposed on people by their jobs, they must see the limitations as imposed on them, not pretend that there is no such thing as advantage and disadvantage and that every man is for themselves alone and each person only affects themselves.
There isn't "individual freedom" to be had. If it were possible, no one would want it. It would mean being the one and only 1 dimensional point comprising the entire universe.
If you are unaware of the concept that we can avoid upsets in the face of external events, the teaching is significant. Once you are aware of the concept, there is next reality to deal with, in which you can upset other people and other people can upset you.
In order to deal with reality, you must be aware of your effect on other people, and other people's effect on you. Otherwise, you will be living in a fantasy world and eventually crash into reality in which the cute saying does not apply.
If you are disadvantaged in some scenario and you take the cute saying as a universal truth, since you will not be able to avoid upsetting yourself sometimes you will strengthen a disproportionately negative view of yourself. Because you will frequently be "upsetting yourself" when you are mistreated.
If you are advantaged in many scenarios and you take the saying as universal truth, you will become a callus individual surrounded by other callus individuals who would not be bothered by taking advantage of each other.
To deal with the limitations imposed on people by their jobs, they must see the limitations as imposed on them, not pretend that there is no such thing as advantage and disadvantage and that every man is for themselves alone and each person only affects themselves.
There isn't "individual freedom" to be had. If it were possible, no one would want it. It would mean being the one and only 1 dimensional point comprising the entire universe.
waking down
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
I wouldn't call having an anvil dropped on my head being "controlled," I would call it being assaulted.
You may find the Ten Axioms at the bottom of this page interesting: Choice Theory - William Glasser Institute
We're talking about choosing behaviors.
When I speak of being controlled, what I really mean is the times when I choose behaviors that I would rather not choose but do so anyway due to the context. In this case, I've had a vision for what I wanted to accomplish in my professional life, and when it became obvious that it would never happen in my current job, I chose to abandon the vision (more or less) and just do as I've been told. I chose this out of fear and a perceived need for financial security.
As far as individual freedom is concerned, there has to be a balance. Certainly, we are all interconnected and we all affect each other, but that being the case, there are many situations where limitations are imposed, and we can accept those limitations (and possibly wither on the vine), try to change the situation, or flee. I tried the second, then attempted the first, and am preparing for the third. "Individual freedom" is, of course, limited by social and physical context.
It's the Serenity Prayer, really. My point is basically that because of my self-imposed oppression, I folded my cards and retreated into alcohol rather than fight or take flight. I didn't have the wisdom to know the difference.
Bob, when you talk about the "cute saying," do you mean the quote at the beginning of this thread? If so, I don't think the idea of a "universal truth" really applies unless you want to filter every statement through the lens of "universal truth." I don't think much about universal truth these days because I'm not sure there are many, and I sure don't look for them in everything I read. The quote spoke to me in the context of a guy who became miserable in his job and continued in it for too long despite feeling abused and that it seemed my intended purpose had been usurped by pointless and mindless labor imposed by misguided authoritarian leadership.
And Bob, I see a contradiction in your second paragraph above. You say "we can avoid upsets in the face of external events," and then "you can upset other people and other people can upset you." Both apply. Neither are universal. I've gotten better at avoiding upsets caused by other people or external events. It takes mindful practice, though, and I'm not always successful.
You may find the Ten Axioms at the bottom of this page interesting: Choice Theory - William Glasser Institute
We're talking about choosing behaviors.
When I speak of being controlled, what I really mean is the times when I choose behaviors that I would rather not choose but do so anyway due to the context. In this case, I've had a vision for what I wanted to accomplish in my professional life, and when it became obvious that it would never happen in my current job, I chose to abandon the vision (more or less) and just do as I've been told. I chose this out of fear and a perceived need for financial security.
As far as individual freedom is concerned, there has to be a balance. Certainly, we are all interconnected and we all affect each other, but that being the case, there are many situations where limitations are imposed, and we can accept those limitations (and possibly wither on the vine), try to change the situation, or flee. I tried the second, then attempted the first, and am preparing for the third. "Individual freedom" is, of course, limited by social and physical context.
It's the Serenity Prayer, really. My point is basically that because of my self-imposed oppression, I folded my cards and retreated into alcohol rather than fight or take flight. I didn't have the wisdom to know the difference.
Bob, when you talk about the "cute saying," do you mean the quote at the beginning of this thread? If so, I don't think the idea of a "universal truth" really applies unless you want to filter every statement through the lens of "universal truth." I don't think much about universal truth these days because I'm not sure there are many, and I sure don't look for them in everything I read. The quote spoke to me in the context of a guy who became miserable in his job and continued in it for too long despite feeling abused and that it seemed my intended purpose had been usurped by pointless and mindless labor imposed by misguided authoritarian leadership.
And Bob, I see a contradiction in your second paragraph above. You say "we can avoid upsets in the face of external events," and then "you can upset other people and other people can upset you." Both apply. Neither are universal. I've gotten better at avoiding upsets caused by other people or external events. It takes mindful practice, though, and I'm not always successful.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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The "cute saying" phrase was not understandable. Sorry about that. I meant the saying that only we can upset ourselves, from SMART. I didn't mean your quote. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Essentially, it's technically true that people upset themselves, using a certain meaning of those words (upsetting themselves). But, it's very strange wording to, for example, tell someone to stop making themselves cry when they feel hurt by you. People who are not robots say "I am sorry for hurting you".
It is more than an issue of word definitions, when the concept of conceivably being able to avoid upsetting ourselves is applied to an abusive situation. In order to address problems in our relationships with other people, the role of the other people needs to be considered in order to plan on a solution to the problem. We are right in demanding that people not be mean to us, even if we could conceivably not upset ourselves in the situation.
It is both true that we all can conceivably avoid upsetting ourselves in the face of some external events and we can upset other people and other people can upset us in some scenarios.
Essentially, it's technically true that people upset themselves, using a certain meaning of those words (upsetting themselves). But, it's very strange wording to, for example, tell someone to stop making themselves cry when they feel hurt by you. People who are not robots say "I am sorry for hurting you".
It is more than an issue of word definitions, when the concept of conceivably being able to avoid upsetting ourselves is applied to an abusive situation. In order to address problems in our relationships with other people, the role of the other people needs to be considered in order to plan on a solution to the problem. We are right in demanding that people not be mean to us, even if we could conceivably not upset ourselves in the situation.
It is both true that we all can conceivably avoid upsetting ourselves in the face of some external events and we can upset other people and other people can upset us in some scenarios.
waking down
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
It takes a lot of self control. I think as adults we are responsible for allowing or not allowing past abuses from continuing to upset us. That's different than controlling emotions in the moment when someone is in your face, but still, people are trained in, for example, conflict mediation and resolution, and part of that training is learning not to take personal attacks personally. This helps us to avoid becoming angry even when someone is hostile. Even in my job situation, I've tried to rationalize it, knowing full well that the way I've been used is not about me. Administration just has different priorities and they want the crap done and don't really care who does it, even if it means other things that should be getting done are neglected. Anyway...
To get back to my original sentiment. I'm wondering if anyone out there sees their substance abuse as at least in part triggered by disappointment with one's life, particularly their professional life.
To get back to my original sentiment. I'm wondering if anyone out there sees their substance abuse as at least in part triggered by disappointment with one's life, particularly their professional life.
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Hello zero, I am a long time opiate addict finally on the path to recovery and your post spoke to me for a few reasons. First, I used to have similar feelings of self pity for my situation as well as self doubt for not changing it myself. One thing that helped me immensely was to realize just how lucky I am to be where I am. As corny as it sounds, I realized the only way to ever be happy was to focus on what I do have and not dwell on what I don't have. I know, much easier said than done. It took me a very long time to really internalize that truth. When I really started paying attention to current events and reading newspapers and what not it became very difficult to pity myself when I started to understand how my situation compares to the suffering and lack of mobility in so much of the world,
Literally billions and billions of people on this earth.Honestly, at first I ignored it and i would tell myself, of course some people suffer but my friend "john" has so much more than I do and he doesn't deserve it, I did much better than him in school, I convinced myself I lived on an unfair playing field and was destined to be unhappy, I threw myself pity parties every day. It took me a very long time to truly realize that the only thing that will make me happy is choosing to be appreciative of what I do have in this world. I had to accept that my situation will always be inadequate if I choose to judge it by comparing it to others. The suffering in this world is immense, 6 year old kids work 18 hours a day in a factory or are sold off into prostitution rings or slavery or live as disposable child soldiers. I started to think, what does a child slave wish for when he/she lays down at night, I assume things like not being beaten at night for small transgressions, not working 18 hours a day 6 days a week, not being sexually abused every day, he/she is almost certainly not dreaming about going on a vacation or buying a second house or even being able to pay the cable bill for that matter. For me, my pity party ended real fast when I really internalized the reality of that situation. I hope that wasn't too much of a "sermon" for you and please know that I am very guilty of feeling exactly how you described yourself feeling, I hope some small part of what I wrote will help you and I wish you the best in recovery and in life.
Literally billions and billions of people on this earth.Honestly, at first I ignored it and i would tell myself, of course some people suffer but my friend "john" has so much more than I do and he doesn't deserve it, I did much better than him in school, I convinced myself I lived on an unfair playing field and was destined to be unhappy, I threw myself pity parties every day. It took me a very long time to truly realize that the only thing that will make me happy is choosing to be appreciative of what I do have in this world. I had to accept that my situation will always be inadequate if I choose to judge it by comparing it to others. The suffering in this world is immense, 6 year old kids work 18 hours a day in a factory or are sold off into prostitution rings or slavery or live as disposable child soldiers. I started to think, what does a child slave wish for when he/she lays down at night, I assume things like not being beaten at night for small transgressions, not working 18 hours a day 6 days a week, not being sexually abused every day, he/she is almost certainly not dreaming about going on a vacation or buying a second house or even being able to pay the cable bill for that matter. For me, my pity party ended real fast when I really internalized the reality of that situation. I hope that wasn't too much of a "sermon" for you and please know that I am very guilty of feeling exactly how you described yourself feeling, I hope some small part of what I wrote will help you and I wish you the best in recovery and in life.
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It is a kind of odd way to look at things if you think about it, those that have it worse make us feel better and those that have it better make us feel worse. It just sounds wrong but maybe it's the need to figure out where we are in the whole scheme of things. Ever notice people say things like "It could be worse", or if you have an accident "It could have been worse".
waking down
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
BackToSquareOne, I agree it's kind of twisted, but it is true that things can always be worse, so I totally get what GS is saying. Gratitude really is the key along with a strong dose of perspective. I think my mindfulness practice is helping, and the Buddha's Four Noble Truths seem to be what it's really all about: Bing Images
In addition to my professional life, things did get pretty heinous before it got better. I was sober a year when suddenly I could not sit or walk due to a back injury. I spent a month barely able to get to the bathroom to take care of business, and it was a painful nightmare just to try to eliminate. In the meantime, nerve damage effected my bladder, so that even after back surgery helped me walk again, my bladder could no longer push the pee past my prostate, so I spent months using catheters every six hour. Then another surgery...
So yes, things can always be worse, but the upside is that I remained sober (except for temporary use of painkillers), and I am now grateful that I can walk and pee and I didn't blow my head off (for awhile I would wake at night and this voice was telling me to just swallow a bottle of painkillers and be done with it). On top of it all, I have health insurance, haven't lost my house, have a (lousy) job, and don't really have that much to worry about.
When it comes right down to it I can admit it is a kind of sense of entitlement that I have so long believed my job should be different - which it should, but that's irrelevant, really.
In addition to my professional life, things did get pretty heinous before it got better. I was sober a year when suddenly I could not sit or walk due to a back injury. I spent a month barely able to get to the bathroom to take care of business, and it was a painful nightmare just to try to eliminate. In the meantime, nerve damage effected my bladder, so that even after back surgery helped me walk again, my bladder could no longer push the pee past my prostate, so I spent months using catheters every six hour. Then another surgery...
So yes, things can always be worse, but the upside is that I remained sober (except for temporary use of painkillers), and I am now grateful that I can walk and pee and I didn't blow my head off (for awhile I would wake at night and this voice was telling me to just swallow a bottle of painkillers and be done with it). On top of it all, I have health insurance, haven't lost my house, have a (lousy) job, and don't really have that much to worry about.
When it comes right down to it I can admit it is a kind of sense of entitlement that I have so long believed my job should be different - which it should, but that's irrelevant, really.
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