New here!

[mtb6393]

Hello to all. I've been drinking for about a year after 5 years of no drinking. I quit on my own for those 5 years, but I decided last year, "I miss drinking, I miss hanging out with people who drink, etc..." Most of these people were moderate drinkers, so I thought, "I can moderate after 5 years of nothing!" Before I knew it, I was getting slammed - blackouts, hangovers, all the stuff that made me want to quit in the first place. During this year of drinking, I've developed an interest in "wine tasting," which has led to drinking many bottles - much more potent than beer! I've been to work a few times with quite a hangover going. I now have a girlfriend who has been somewhat tolerant of my heavier nights, but she is concerned - this past weekend at a bar, while "tasting" many wines, I told her to shut up, don't remember why. It seems that alcohol makes me into a person I don't want to be, who I am not. There have been 2 occasions where I needed a drink at lunch during workdays, just so I could "relax" and "feel better." I would love to hear someone relate to this sort of situation? I want to quit again, so any advice or input is much welcome. Thanks!

[ChrisMan]

Welcome, MTB! I am new here as well, just been here a few days.

I can relate very much to what you have been saying. My primary addiction is sexual addiction, which may sound very different than alcoholism to some people, but it is not.

I have been sober for about 13 days, but once was able to rack up one or two years of sobriety. Then my addict told me that I had worked hard and so I "deserved" a little fun. My undoing was rationalizing my way into acting out. I wanted my have my cake and eat it too. I wanted to be sober and yet push the lines enough that I could "enjoy" myself. So I can relate very much to your wine testing -- I did the equivalent with explicit sexual material -- rationalizing a certain behavior and then pushing the lines as far as they would go. All this happened without me ever planning it out conciously. It is that baffling part of our addiction that has our addict always trying to find a way to make us lose our sobriety.

Once more I kept convincing myself that I could be "moderate" when I acted out. But it never happened. I could never control myself. Never.

I kept "chipping away" at my sobriety until I hit rock bottom. Then and only then were my eyes opened and I realized that I hadn't been sober for quite some time. I thought I was "technically" sober, but my sobriety was actually a confusing mess of rationalizations, lies, and half-measures. When I hit rock bottom, I actually felt some relief -- I no longer had to lead a double life, I no longer had to lie to people, and I no longer had to make excuses. It gave me a chance to begin again.

Thanks to great support from my fellow addicts (groups, on-line meetings, and this forum), I feel as if I can truly live my sobriety in the here and now, the present moment. I feel a great deal of freedom.

I hope these observations helped a bit. As I said, I am very new here, like you. I feel like a baby learning how to walk for the first time. I hope that sharing my experience helped in some way.

Welcome!

Chris

[In memory of miracle]

Its great that you have a desire to stop drinking , detox and a treatment program to get you started on your way is one suggestion .I use AA as my method of recovery . I found I could not do it on my own , I identify with what you posted about alcohol turning you into a different person . I have found great freedom the last nine months in not drinking and going to meetings. I wish you the same ...Prayers ^ Trish

[mtb6393]

Thanks for your posts ChrisMan and miralcen2003! It's always good to hear some supporting words. Starting tomorrow, I will hopefully be beginning sobriety all over again. I know it's good not to be obsessed with how many days it has been since my last drink, so it's going to be just taking care of each day. Again thanks alot!

[Chy]

Hi and welcome,
I know most need a means of support to stay stopped, yet many like you are able to quit for extended periods. How did you feel when sober for 5 years? What's the pro's and con's, and how is your life now that your back out? You did it once, and can do it again, but maybe a means of support will get you back to where you want to go. *hugs*

[Suckerpunched]

MTB,
Wine is my vice, preferably Merlot but not too ashamed to enjoy the cheap and cheery stuff too, just so long as I could get high, didn't really matter! I had some of the worst hangovers of my life from wine! Very seldom would I blackout from just beer but I can't begin to tell you how many blackouts and passouts I've suffered from too much wine! This past year has been pure hell! I too became very aggressive and hostile when I consumed too much wine, not that I really remember it but my husband has shared the details with me! Long story short, I gave it up 43 days ago, haven't had a drink since! Was it hard??? Absolutely! Do I miss it? Yup, I still miss the initial high and the mind shutdown but I sure don't miss the hangovers, fights, blackouts, passouts, guilt, remorse, it just goes on!!!

After several attempts to quit on my own I just couldn't do it! The temptation was just too great! I now attend AA once a week and have managed to stay sober longer than I have in Years! I still stuggle, but, it's getting easier! When I am tempted, which is still quite often, I think of how much damage I caused to our relationship, I can't ever undo it, I can only try to repair it and move forward!!

You quit before, you can do it again! Do it before the alcohol ruins your relationship, job, self respect, etc....

[mtb6393]

Much thanks to everyone here. All of your posts are highly appreciated. I know I can quit like I did before. It takes alot of effort at first - avoiding the trap of "One or two drinks are fine!", but I remember it got easy as time went. I look forward to hangover free weekends again and being able to remember everything! When I stopped drinking before, I began running regularly and hiking. In the last year since I've started back, the running and hiking became less important. I hope to return to my more healthy habits. Thanks again - your words are very helpful!

[2stop]

Welcome to SR mtb! Glad you're here and have decided to change your life. Good for you! Lots of great support and friendship here. Hope you stick around and get to know some of us.

((((Welcoming Hugs))))))

[mtb6393]

Thanks 2stop, I'm looking forward to getting to know you guys!

[mtb6393]

Thanks Cynthia. I think that your friend's story does resemble mine. I definately want to avoid any additional problems from drinking. As much as I love wine, and as much as a have tried to keep it "2 drinks per day," I know that there will be times where it's a bottle or more! It has now been 24 hours for me and I am already feeling better, but I know that I will always have to be on guard against the temptation. Good luck to you and thank you!

[In memory of miracle]

24 hours !!!!

[indigo]

Welcome to you both being sober rocks....lots of support for you guys here.
Love indigo

[ChrisMan]

24 Hours! Way to go, MTB!

[Chy]

Good to see you in chat!

[StacySun]

I'm new to SR and still a little shy about sharing, but the wine "posts" have prompted me.

I have not quit yet, but I know that I need to and I believe that this is a good starting point. I am a wine-o. I drink a bottle and a half every evening. Every morning I tell myself that I'm not going to do it again tonight, yet I do. I've made excuses for myself long enough. My personal favorites are "I don't frequent bars", "I've never gotten a DUI" and "I drink responsibly". Well how responsible is feeling like **** every morning? I've stopped on my own for two years previously, but my drinking is much more excessive now. Is AA the only option? Is it a good one? How much does religion play into it?

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

[ButterflyChaser]

welcome & big hugs go out to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! from me to u!!!! (((((((((((((((((((((mtb)))))))))))))))))))))))))

[DaveMass]

Thanks Chrisman, I think that for the very first time I am looking at my problems with explicit porn and realizing that it is a major problem in my life. I am so grateful to SR for this, I have been reading daily and trying to separate from my partner in lots of different ways, knowing that only through my changes can I exist. I have to really beging to look at all of this on a totally different level. I know that I look at explicit sex without getting any reactions, and thought that I was becoming immune to it. Now wondering if it has been a numbing agent, helping me to get through this co-dependency problem a little easier. I guess that there isn't any easy way to realize that I am as much of an addict. And for once I realize that. Thanks guy, you have really opened my eyes to the world, not as I see it but as it is in reality. I will have to begin today and make major changes in my behavior.

[mtb6393]

Hey guys. Hope you are all doing well. To Stacy, I have seen myself saying the same type of things about my drinking: "It's experiencing new wines", "I'm not drinking in bars", "I've never had a DUI." But in the last year, I've found myself drinking more than a bottle of Merlot a night, driving to the store sometimes after drinking alot, blacking out, and then having the wonderful experience of waking up feeling like total crap, knowing I have to go to work! I remember how good it felt when I stopped drinking for 5 years, and I hope I can return to feeling that way, but also knowing that I can never drink normally, no matter how long it's been since the last drink.
Good luck to you and hope to see more of your posts!

[ChrisMan]

Your welcome, DaveMass!

Just in case you are looking for group support in these areas, there is S.A. (Sexaholics Anonymous), S.L.A.A. (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous), and some other groups, too. They have web sites you can check out and they have good info. Also, Patrick Carnes is an author who has written extensively on the subject. I know you didn't ask for info, but thought I would offer these suggestions if they would help.

Peace be with you and great to have you here.

[2dayzmuse]

Hello everyone,

Talia here...fellow wine-o. Today I celebrate 45 days sober with the help from AA and support from the gang at SR. Welcome to SR and I'm glad you found your way aboard. SR is a great tool to compliment a f2f recovery program. Look forward to sharing our ESH with one another. Boy o boy how I remember those wine hangovers. No thanks to those days. I'll pass on any future wine tasting. That is no loner an option for me. What a good reminder to help me from drinking today. Good luck all...take care!!!!

Have a great sober day,
Talia

[StacySun]

MTB, regarding quitting; how long has it been this time? Are you doing it on your own?

It's been 15 hours for me, but that's not saying much considering that I woke up (hungover of course) and now I'm at work. Making it through tonight will be a challenge. I don't even know what to do with myself. Usually the time between 5p and bedtime is spent drinking. I don't even have a hobby, well, actually I do, drinking. That's ok. I live in So Cal, I'll figure something out.

I think that you'll be a good person to correspond with.

Have a good day!

[mtb6393]

Hey Stacy,
I'm sure you can find some fun things to do in SoCal! During the 5 years that I was not drinking, I got back into running and when my knee started bothering me, I started hiking fairly regularly and mountain biking. I've still been doing those things during my period of drinking, but not as regularly. It's been almost 2 days of no drinking, but I already feel much better. I know that it won't always be easy, but I try to think of the bad consequences of drinking - that usually helps. I'm also an avid reader and guitarist, so those activities become more important when I'm not drinking. When I do drink, even if it is not a large amount, I am usually groggy and not as interested in those things - I would rather fall asleep in front of the tv. Everyday without a hangover is an opportunity to do something worthwhile. I'm positive you can win this battle - starting tonight! Enjoy the rest of your day.
MTB

[2stop]

(((mtb))) What an awesome attitude and commitment you are showing...God bless you. I am sure you will go far with this mindset.

Thoughts and prayers continue to be with you! ((((Warm Hugs)))

[2stop]

((((((((((((Stacy)))))))))))

You are doing good...hang in there. The first days are tough...but we DO make it...YOU can too.

Thoughts and prayers with you also...((((Warm Hugs))))