Tic127

I went to AA tonight, and got cornered outside at the end by 2 guys, who made me feel very uncomfortable. They were saying I " need to go to as many AA meetings as possible" or "I WILL FAIL".... I "MUST do the 12 steps" or "I WILL FAIL!"

I said " I have had my last drink!"

They sniggered at me, and I thought to myself, nice thanks! yes we all have one thing in common, alcohol , but that's where it stops! You don't know me, and what I can or can't do!? Everyone is different and has different needs! I felt preached at, not supported!

We can all get together at AA to listen to how everyone's ruined there life's and try and relate to each other, but is it really helping? I think maybe the constant reminder by being round alcoholics at every meeting just keeps booze on the mind. Is AA a cure if you need to keep going for the rest of your life, and be reminded every time about booze?

Dee74

From everything I hear AA is just like anywhere else Tic - there are some wonderful folks there...and some...well...jerks.

I'd avoid the jerks.

Stick with those who have what you want

D

Tic127

I'm sorry Dee I'm not dissing AA In general, I know it works for a lot of people !
And I'm sure these guys meant well!
It's just left me feeling angry!

heath480

Keep going Tic,you will soon find the good people in the fellowship.

I need to be around Alcoholics like me,so I keep going to meetings.

Dee74

Oh, I didn't think you were dissing at all, Tic

I looked for the people who had the qualities I wanted to have...mostly it was people who I felt really lived their recovery more than those who simply talked about it

D

3arai

Hi Tic,

This is just my opinion. I hope I don't offend anybody. I don't think AA is any better or worse than any organization. They allow anybody to join, so it's not some elite group of awesome people, it's just people.

I think it is just a tool for me to use. Something important, for me, is that whatever tools or programs I use, I am still in control and maintain my own boundaries. If something is intrusive or just doesn't feel right, that's not helping. Something that always frightened me about attending meetings in the past is that it's pretty clear a number of people there don't have decent boundaries (as referenced in your original post). I've experienced these after-meeting approaches. Crazy! At this point I know how to politely and firmly tell someone to back off, or that I don't like their questions, or it's not their business. Maybe practicing some of those responses in your mind or with a friend will make you feel more comfortable about attending meetings. Try keeping a few phrases in mind like "I'm not in the mood to talk right now" "I can tell you're concerned about me, but it's not your business" "If I want any help, I'll come to you, but for now I'm not looking to have this conversation, thanks"

I have found that the first people to come running up to me to make themselves known are usually the worst! Good people tend to hang back and do their own thing, you have to find them.

Good luck.

Mountainmanbob

That's about right. AA is not much different than any other place in the world. The AA super hard liners I usually avoid. What they seem to forget is, ones got sober before the start of AA back in 1935.

MM

Gottalife

As I travel around I sometimes experience the exact opposite. The members of a group do not approach newcomers at all. They are left completely alone, totally ignored. How would a newcomer feel if treated like that?

The recovered members have a job to do. To carry the message TO the alcoholic that still suffers. At the very least they should be approaching newcomers and making them feel welcome. It is a critical part of their own recovery.

Some of these issue arise because newcomers turn up at meetings cold, not knowing anyone or anything about AA. My own introduction involved what is called a 12 step call, where a member sat with me at his home and explained AA and alcoholism. By the time he took me to a meeting I already had at least one person I felt I could trust, and a rough idea of how it all works. I was unaware of any over enthusiastic people either because they didn't exist or my 12 stepper kept them off my back.

This is a problem for AA members to fix. It is not the newcomers fault. More of us need to put our hand up for 12 step work away from the meetings.

Redmayne

From personal experience attending, intermittently, with each new attempt to get into recovery, I gave up on the Fellowship of A A for two reasons,

At some, if they didn't say the AA Preamble at the start of the meeting, you wouldn't have even know you were at an AA meeting.

Secondly when it because apparent that a lot of the people there had problems that were nothing to do with alcohol and even less to do with alcoholism or recovery, of which they knew little or nothing about.

Recovery came for me when I fully understood and put into practise the contents of the book,'Alcoholics Anonymous' with particular reference to,'The Doctors Opinion' and the first 164 pages, especially Chapter 3,'More about alcoholism' and Chapter 5,'How it works' assisted by a set of cd's of 'Charlie and Joe' conducting a Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous Study weekend.

I think these are now commercially available on Amazon, titled 'Charlie and Joe and the 12 Steps'.

You may get more out of this than meetings, I certainly did!

yeahgr8

I would not have gone to AA if i could have quit drinking by myself. I failed on so many occasions using so many "different" techniques that, in the end, there was only one more place that i could go. Whether or not i gelled with the people at AA or whether i agreed entirely with what they said was irrelevant to me as i had met many people in AA with long term sobriety but none outside of AA, learned about the solution for alcoholism before going through the AA Big Book and i needed to be free of alcohol myself in order to continue living.

A year before i went to AA would it have been for me? No way, i had to be ready!

nandm

Unfortunately some people are over eager in their attempts to help others and forget that each person is different and a hard line approach may work for one person but for another it may drive them away. Not everyone in AA is like that because AA is made up of a variety of individuals with varying lengths of sobriety and approaches to the program.

AA is not about getting together and listening to how alcohol ruined everyone's life. It is about passing along one's experience, strength and hope and how one applies the program of AA to their life each day to help them stay sober on a daily basis.

For me AA has been not been a cure but a way for me to keep my disease of alcoholism in remission for the past 13 years and I had tried several other programs as well as on my own to quit before becoming desperate enough to try AA. I am not sure if there is a "cure" for alcoholism. As far as being reminded about alcohol in meetings that is no different than what I face each day in society. Alcohol ads are on billboards, on tv, in magazines. Alcohol is for sale in convenience stores, grocery stores, and gas stations. It is also on nearly every menu of any restaurant I go into. I have friends and family who drink. If I moved to the North Pole to escape from it my luck would be an Eskimo would find me and have a fifth of whiskey on him. The thing that is different about hearing it in meetings is twofold. First it reminds me that drinking still isn't working so I don't need to go back out and try it again. Second when someone shares in a meeting they follow up their drinking experience with how they are staying sober today and what tools of the program are working for them.

One thing that should be considered is that like people, meetings are varied. There are good meetings and not so good meetings. I try to go to message based meetings that stick to the first 164 pages of the Big Book and when people share they share their experience, strength and hope including how they are applying the program to keep them sober and help them in their daily lives. The meetings I attend tend to have a lot of old timers in them. The main one I attend now has two people with over 50 years, one with 42, several with more than 20, and multiple with more than 10, plus we have a group from a recovery center that comes in. The meeting averages about 25 to 30 people altogether so it is a good balance of recovery time and experience. If you are willing to give AA another try you might try a different meeting. If not then please don't give up on sobriety. There are many other recovery programs available and many here at SR have used them successfully. Here is a pretty comprehensive listing: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

esinger

People trying to exert their self proclaimed superior knowledge on you is just a way for them to feed their ego. When people tell me I'll fail it motivates me to prove them wrong. (also ego)
The program tells you to loose your ego and not to judge others. What you have here is what I believe they call bleeding deacons. If you decide to stay with AA stay away from these people as there is no arguing their righteousness. Find those that actually care about helping others and not the ones that guilt you with dogma. They do exist.
If the program doesn't suit you then there are other roads to recovery. I believe there is a list of secular organizations on this site.

Boleo

So basically, they are in effect motivating you with reverse psychology. Are they not???

neferkamichael

Tic127, don't let that kinda junk talk get in your head, you don't need AA to quit drinking. Please remember this, when you are in an AA meeting you are still in a room full of drunks, rootin for ya.

esinger

If you read the post Boleo it say's she was told "MUST do the 12 steps" or "I WILL FAIL!".
Reverse psychology is the effect that kind of talk had on me ultimately. I found my own methods that fit my personal belief system and though not perfect, seem to be working for me.
In early recovery I did get some encouragement from some good people in these groups. I was trying not to debate methodology. Just saying to stay away from people who make you angry pushing the rhetoric and make you think it's all not worth the aggravation. Recovery is a matter of life and death and whatever method works for you is the correct path.

Soberwolf

I had this a bit and i quickly pulled them up on it confrontationally not aggressivly just saying things like

dont ever talk to me like that again i dont talk to you like that be respectful...

as for the constant focus on alcohol and what it has done to many i couldnt fathom at first i was like why do you keep on talking about alcohol and what its done etc

then the penny dropped....i realised they never want to forget and rightly so

i remember 1 dude 25/26 years sober and it was like my 6th mtn or something and all he could talk about was wanting to hear raw fresh stories of alcoholism at first i was like wtf.... but then started getting it

i left after 11 months for a mutitude of reasons (not all bad) i didnt pick up a year chip a friend said she would give me hers but hasnt ive lost an old timer friend recently because im not in AA no more

anattaboy

Yup, AA is an organization made up of people. Do I need others to stay sober? No. Can being around others who are trying hard to live sober, productive lives help me do the same? Yes, it does.

Hope4Life

My suggestion would be to find another fellowship and try AA again. I agree that hardliners are not doing anyone a favor by scaring off people who need help. If you do not have another fellowship that you can visit, calmly but clearly telling these folks that you are not interested in their tactics MAY get you some space.

Stories like these make me very grateful for the fellowship I attend. While most folks do agree that the steps should be worked (eventually).... no one jumps down the newcomers throat and pushes them to do anything.

We emphasize..... 'Do Not be discouraged, no one among us has been able to achieve anything like perfect adherence to these principals, we are not saints.'

The 'My way or FAIL' mentality has no place in ANY form of recovery, IMHO.

I am sorry you had this experience but hope you can find a more supportive group.

Good Luck.

endlesspatience

Would you have stopped going to your favourite bar just because a couple of people there who were trying to help you get a drink got a bit overenthusiastic in shoving you towards the front of the queue?

Mountainmanbob

Went to my 40 year old son's birthday party yesterday. Just like with AA I didn't care for all there. One very heavy drinker was a clown.

MM