being a tough cookie and opening up

[dotcom]

these are two things im having a lot of trouble with lately. stress from life on top of my problems gets aggrivated by "well meaning f2f friends" and i dont act very nice. it's not that i don't try to be nice, its an engrained reaction to be a tough cookie if you know what i mean. like i cannot control it or something. i know that has got to be BS because ive changed so much about myself that this should be something i can do.

i dont want to be angry at my friends, i am aware that relationships are not perfect and that it takes a lot of effort and work. but sometimes i think it is too much to juggle. the strains on the relationships make the tough cookie in me come out even more! and THAT my friends is not good! i get so fed up i just dont want any contact with people for a few days ... then i wake up one day and want to talk to my friend like nothing was ever wrong. help me!

opening up is difficult too. i think for the past few months ive been so busy i haven't really worked to take any more steps forward. well, yes i have, but this stuff about being a tough cookie and not opening up has had a long while to grow and mutate. now ive gotta do something about it.

i hate talking on the phone but therapy is good. i am very honest with my friends, but with the people who are around me to offer support i clam up. i dont' think i trust them or i view them as threats or something. not that im not honest with them, i just dont share what's really goingn on.

okay dokay. any feedback is welcome. thanks for letting me share.

[Dan]

Three words dot that help me deal with the exact things you describe. And I'm going to cut you right off at the pass before you say more AA bull.
Attitude of Gratitude.
Actions speak louder than words all the time. The tough cookie mentality will only get you so far. Take what you can from others and leave the rest.
Oh no, more AA stuff

[dotcom]

how will an attitude of grattitude help my relationship not plummet over the cliff? do you mean just be grateful that i have friends? i know my friends can see when i am mad its insane. i know i need anger management but im hoping to avoid another class .................................................. ................................... what if i dont feel grateful for them? just be grateful probly because i know i really do like them as friends.

[KelKel]

Jess
I think about all the wonderful post's you have contributed here at SR and find myself thinking "Boy I wish I could open up and express myself and my feeling like Dot"
Don't be hard on yourself, I believe it will all evolve and you will find yourself trusting others the more you learn to trust yourself.
It just takes time, and I know patience is your middle name...

[best]

dont' think i trust them or i view them as threats or something

Yup you always have your own answers.
Here you are among people you feel you can trust. People who know you by what you have shared. People who know what you are feeling because we feel or have felt the same. You give us a trust of sorts.
Trust comes from two places.. given on faith or given because of proof it is deserved. If you give trust early and find early that they can't be trusted... you have not given a lot of time into that person. If you never give trust... you may end up missing out on a wonderful friendship (yes even with a parent)
Don't be so hard on yourself. Time will show you who can be trusted every time.
Parents, friends, loved ones, person on the street. We can trust them all but we can be burnt by them all to a degree. Time will open the door of trust every time.

[2dayzmuse]

Dot

YOU are so young....all I can add is, if I had worked on myself, as hard as YOU have, at YOUR age. Well..... I'd be damn near perfect by now.

The important thing is, you recognize your strengths and weaknesses. You work on changing your life and making a better Dot. At your age, I didn't give a SH**. I just continued on my disfunctional way. You deserve alot of credit for that. You live life with great emotion and passion. Feeling is good....It's when we stop, the real problem begins.

You ROCK and will keep ROCKIN' ON...........

Talia

[jenniferaz1980]

Dot--

I read you expessing youself here. It is amazing how much you can open yourself up. But I understand at the same time. I have the hardest time with my emotions and how I feel about things.

What ever it is that you enjoy about you friends enjoy. Then the stuff that make you anger just let go of. Dont let it bring you down.

[dotcom]

(((((((kel, best, talia, jen))))))) thank you for your replies! lots to think about!

[namommy]

Dot,

TERMINALLY hip and FATALLY cool. You don't have to be those things. You are doing a great job of working on yourself. I always say if I would have found NA when I was young and got clean then, I could have the world by the b***s. You can.

[Ninerfan]

dot, I hear ya saying you want to change, you just dont know how to do it. I know you dont go for AA/NA but that is how I changed. I think it is great that you have made a decision at your early age to stop drugging/drinking but after that is done you are left with yourself. That is where the program comes in handy. Oh, and its OK not to have the answers all the time. That way you get to ask someone for help. Keep rockin'