confused

[neat_sheep]

I have been here for a while, I just haven't posted since like December, but I need a little encouragement and I figured I could probably find it here. I have been under so much stress lately and it seems that drinking would be the easiest thing to do. I know they taught us other coping methods in rehab, but it seems that being out in the real world is completely different. I am working between 50-60 hours a week to put myself through school right now and it looks like I am not going to be able to come back next year and I am just struggling. The other thing that really bothers me, is I have never really had to deal with money, I have always had it. It worries me that I will not be able to support myself or pay all my bills. I have never really had to live on my own and it scares me that I will be all alone come may when my roommate moves out. I've realized that I tend to drink when I feel lonely and it scares me that I will relapse and lose all this time I have. I really don't talk to anyone besides my roommate and even then, I don't discuss personal issues with her. I guess that it just comes down to the fact, that right now, I am unsure of myself.

[Dan]

I really don't talk to anyone besides my roommate and even then, I don't discuss personal issues with her.

You mention you were in rehab. I was too. One of the coping methods I learned there, specially in terms of avoiding relapse, is exactly the opposite of your above statement. The worst thing we can do in recovery when we feel stressed is isolate emotionaly. You are obviously under stress and thinking ahead perhaps too much. Relapse starts long before we actually pick up the first drink. We can be setting ourselves up weeks before the actual act of drinking without even knowing it. My only advice to you is to rethink your approach to dealing with stress, and more importantly, to tell on yourself when thoughts of relapse occur. You need to share how you feel with your peers. It's what makes us human. Good luck.

Dan

[Paulie]

You are sharing here and that is a great start. Try and find a support system face to face also. I know for me, I cannot do this sobriety thing alone.

One thing for sure I can promise you, drinking will not make it better.

Keep posting and talking, we are listening.

[Chy]

Hi and welcome!

You have found a great place for support. I do think that we all do better however, with support in our area. Did they set up meetings for you to attend? Have you found a sponsor if going to meetings. I know how overwhelming life can be once we get sober. But dont' put it all on your plate in front of you now. Take it in baby steps, chip away at one thing at a time starting with finding a means of support. It's so much better to discuss, vent and seek out solutions from people like us who have been there and understand. You can be okay, but keep it simple. Make a list of your priorities. Maybe it's not a bad thing putting school on hold until you can regroup. *hugs*

[mackat]

In rehab, i was told the acronymn for FEAR is Future [or False] Events Appearing Real- when i am in fear i forget Who is in charge- i forget the tools that the program has given me- forget to call another recovering friend-and can be in real danger of forgetting that i have a disease of obsession and compulsion. For me, the suggestions that Chy outlined are what have worked.
mackat
"this sky
where we live
is no place to lose your wings"-hafiz

[indigo]

Any time e me and WELCOME I look forw

[indigo]

I think I was to slow to finish LOL i have some difficulties with certain stuff....otherwise I am cool, keep posting

indigo

[neat_sheep]

I do go to AA meetings every friday night, but the problem is that I really do not speak to anyone. I have made an attempt, but no one really seems interested. I honestly just feel like all of these decisions are coming all at once and I don't know how to handle it. It would be great if I had someone to talk to, but there aren't a lot of people that I know who understand.

[Chy]

If you get a chance join us in chat. We have two meetings on Sunday, at it's a great group of people. We'll listen.

[neat_sheep]

I would love to do that. but through my server or web whatever, it blocks it, it doesn't let me log on.

[Little Missy]

I know how you feel about not expressing your feelings to others. The only time I'd say anything that meant something to me, was when I was drinking. Then I'd just ramble on and on to who ever would listen. I even took rum and coke to counseling sessions. What a waste of time and money, if doing it drunk!
Here at SR is where I finally started to open up. It was my first step in doing that sober. Just went to my first AA meeting last Friday, and I did say a little there.
Just take it slow. It's a lot easier to open up to people who have been there. I love everyone here, they are so supportive and they would never judge you.
Take care, we're all here for you!
Missy

[neat_sheep]

That was my problem, I would tend to say that I was in trouble, I needed help and people thought that just because I was drunk it really didn't mean anything. It is hard for me to open up, and I am doing it little by little, but I figure, hey people here don't have a face to put with the messages so. Thank you everyone for your support. Neat

[Paulie]

Whenever I go to a meeting and my head tells me people don't seem interested in talking to me, it is just that, my head/disease talking to me.

It is hard to do, I know that, to reach out to someone you don't know and say that you are hurting. But I can PROMISE you that there will be people in the AA meeting that have felt exactly how you feel and will be there for you, but the reaching out has to come from you.

You have come so far from when you first came to SR, I can hear the growth in your posts. You know the answer is not drinking.

Keep talking, cause we are listening.

[neat_sheep]

I talked to one of my friends who used to go to that meeting and he said that I just need to open up a little bit more, make them know that I value and want to know what they have to offer me. It just seems sometimes it's not worth it. I mean I think this about everything at some point, usually when it gets to be hard work, but I want this. I don't think that i have ever wanted anything this bad before. Thanks for the support!

[neat_sheep]

I tried to open up tonight and I obviously picked the wrong person, because they weren't really interested in listening. All they wanted to do was talk about themselves. I am freaking out, I came in contact with a person at work (fluid to fluid )that has hepatitis c. I was at the hospital with a client last night until 1am and during that time I watched the cops escort a young lady in who was obviously under the influence of some substance. He said it was a psych case and asked the desk to call security. I left shortly after and went back to the room, but I kept thinking how that was me before rehab and how I am still so close to that. I know when I take that first drink I will be right back in that position and that's not what I want. I found that it is amazing, that you can know what it right and want to do what's right, but then sometimes it still won't happen. I have to share this though: I was really emotionally weak this morning, because I was just so frustrated with work. I was driving there at 6am and and I was listening to the radio and the song God Is In Control. I think that it was just a word from my higher power, it gave me a little hope. Thanks for everyones support.

[mackat]

we all unfold at our comfort pace- i just knew that the drunk i had been was not me [oh, i know- i am plenty responsible for the consequences of that drunk's actions] and that there was a me buried in there all along waiting for the moment to arrive. AA gave me the chance to uncover [and discover and discard] all that BS. But it did require me to get enough humbleness to ask. Great thing i hear from you- the humbleness to ask.
mackat
"Pray to be humble so that God
does not have to appear so stingy"- Hafiz

[fuster]

When I am alone and in my own mind, I am in "enemy territory". Last place I want to be as far as staying safe during outside (of my mind) turmoil.

You recognize relapse triggers, it sounds to me. Do you have a way to open your options to talk to sober persons where you live? What have you considered doing to open that door, because it sounds like you need it right now (I would if I was in your shoes).

[Paulie]

My HP speaks to me in many different ways, radio, yep!!! I understand that.

Something that I have to remember is that not only is everyone is the program human but they are addicts/alkies too. Know what I mean? I can only speak for myself I will not generalize here, but I am an addict/alkie, I am selfish and self centered, yes sometimes it is all about me. I have been blessed to be around for a while and I have days where I get out of myself and can help others, be there for them, but I have days where it is all about ME. the person that you chose to reach out to that night was not there for you, but then you witnessed something in the hospital that brought reality back to the forefront of your mind, that is your program working for you.
Don't get discouraged cause one addict/alkie was not available for you because they were having a ME day. This prorgram works cause of the theraputic value of one addict helping another.

You woke up the next morning still sober, a new day, a new start. The growth that I see in your posts from when you first found SR is awesome.

[neat_sheep]

Ok, so my mom just called me and told me that my grandfather just passed away and needless to say, I am struggling. He had been in a car accident in february and had recovered and was doing well and was expected to be released the first week in May. I think this mostly caught me off guard, but the first thought that came to mind was drink it way, just drink it away. Of course, I am not, I am sitting here writing, but I am so hurt right now. So you had to listen to this, but I am writing mostly so I don't go drink, but so I can get it out also. I was reading back through the posts and it is great to know that I have support. Thanks!

[neat_sheep]

Well, I seem to have survived this bump and I didn't seem to trip. Another day alive and another day sober.

[cldstmper]

[B][I]Am goimg through some of the things your going through at the moment. Yes it's scary and now that youve shared your problem here youve cut that burden in half. Best thing you can do is to surrond yourself with people who have your sobriety in mind who will call you on your stuff. Talk to your higher power stay sober and HELP OTHERS. If your at the end of your rope tie a knot in it and HANG on.