How to cope, when you don't want to quit?

[lostdotty]

3-4 weeks ago I found this site desperate to quit drinking, could not handle the effects it was having on my life so managed to be sober for 11 days but since then have had a few drinks every evening but nothing bad has happened, wake up feeeling grogy but no regret so i'm a little confused what I should do.

Over the years I have done and said dreadful things when drunk, I know it takes over my life drinking every night, sometimes not remembering going to bed which is not good when I have two children home with me. Being angry and grumpy the next day full of shame and guilt....... but what if I don't want a life without Alcohol?

I want to be able to drink with my husband when we got friends over, I want to have a drink when I'm at a party

[Change4good]

Make two lists. On the first, write down all the things that are bad about drinking. You have listed a few already. Note all the things it robs you of.

On the second list, write down all the things that sobriety does/will offer. Mine this site for what others have said.

One list is surely to be longer than the other. If that doesn't work, think about how three hours of drunkeness means three times that amount of time recovering.

This is a somewhat pragmatic approach. At the end of the day, it won't come down to lists, but a different way of seeing yourself.

[tomsteve]

things drinking offered for me:
gloom, dispair, and miserey.

things sobiety have given me:
a new life( not just existing anymore), one where i am happy, joyous and free, new friends that help me through anything goin on in my life, freedom from care, boredom, and worry, helping others is a joy with no expectations of anything in return,i react sanely and normally( well, still workin on them still, but i'm better at it!), i no longer regret the past, i no longer hate myself and i no longer want to die!

[hypochondriac]

I think really, deep down, we all want to carry on drinking Dotty But we want to do it without any negative consequences...without hangovers, health problems, doing regrettable things, blacking out... but this isn't possible. For me the negative consequences of drinking outweighed any perceived positives long ago, but it didn't take me long to forget that while getting sober. I like the list idea but you will have to repeat ad nauseam until it starts sinking in. I'm still having to do this after 2 months but the positives in my life now outweigh the negatives x

[doggonecarl]

Three weeks ago you came to these boards and wrote:

"I will never drink again, I will never drink again. I am an alcoholic" and asked for his support.

I am not a religious person, but looking up to the clouds and say it out loud felt like it mattered, i can't really explain how I feel right now.

Hope this makes sense to others "

Today you are rationalizing drinking. Why? Because your addiction is telling you so. Maybe you've had a couple of days where drinking didn't give you grief. But if you are the alcoholic you claimed to be, it will get worse.

Don't listen to the addictive voice. Read what you posted when you came here and know that's the direction you truly want to be headed.

[kidwandering]

I also still have yet to be able to stay sober for very long either, so, hugs. What I find is even if I can make it a couple nights drinking responsibly, eventually I'd allow myself one more. Then eventually more and more until you're right back where you were.
There is a website called hamsnetwork.com that offers different options of moderate drinking, harm reduction, or abstinence all as options to get healthier and happier, if you think you can handle it.
They have a thing called a drinking chart where you plan how much youre going to drink that week, then see if you can stick to that plan, but again, only if you think you could handle that.
Hope this helps.

[LDT]

I tried a program called 'Moderation Management'.....too labor intensive....Who wants to work that hard at controling their alcohol intake? It did nothing but make me constantly obsess about when I could drink and how much I could drink, and I eventually ended up drinking more than ever. The one true thing for me is this......alcoholics cannot moderate.

side note: the author/developer of MM eventually returned to heavy drinking herself, and ended up killing two people in a drunk driving incident. Moderation doesn't work.

[ClayTheScribe]

The darkness enters our life in the form of depression, anger, anxiety, guilt, sadness, despair or even just boredom. It pushes us and pushes us until we reach what we think is our limit. Then it gives us a wonderful way out of that suffering, alcohol. If we drink enough of it we get drunk, or high. Euphoria, laughter, no parade of negative thoughts, no inner critic to hold us back from doing what we love. Then we wake up the next day and there's the darkness again to beat the living he.ll out of us, to tell us how worthless we are and how we should just destroy ourselves and others. It pushes us again and again until we reach what we think is our limit again and it offers us the same solution. It's relying on our amnesia of how bad things really were the next day, how it negatively affected the rest of our lives, and we do it all over again. Then we get to a point where we say enough is enough and we're not drinking anymore, maybe even put a plan in place. The darkness and the addictive voice see this (they are the most manipulative parts of our brain) and suggest that we try to moderate our drinking. And maybe it works for awhile (it didn't for me, I turn into a jerk after just a few drinks and stopping) like it did for you. But see the darkness/addictive voice know you can't moderate, that's why they're so prevalent in your brain, that's why they're so good at what they do. They're relying again on your amnesia to slip back into old habits.

The only thing the darkness wants is complete self-annihilation, and others if necessary. It wants nothing else, nothing good for you, besides that. The dark is destruction and the light is creation. These two forces are necessary to order our reality and this world. However those with mental illness and who are addicts have brains that are unbalanced between the light and the dark and we live too often in the dark. Sobriety is standing in the doorway to the light. Recovery is walking further into the light and not going backwards, but never forgetting the darkness is still there. Sobriety is possible at any moment you choose to stop and STOP COMPLETELY. I am almost three years sober and I can tell you alcohol gets much less appealing over time. But recovery is only possible when you can begin a program and/or begin to identify the manifestations of the darkness, especially the addictive voice, in your mind, acknowledge it and let it go. Or even tell it to F*** off as I often do.

But most importantly, stop thinking about never drinking again, that is how it gets you. On my worst days, I simply tell myself, mostly my addictive voice, I am not drinking today, but tomorrow I will go on a bender. Or recently my AV has been obsessing over the fact and I say that when I'm 60, we'll get good and drunk, but for now I want to sober. Then the next day happens and I say the same thing. The minute you believe in the addictive voice's deceptions, for example that one drink won't hurt, it's winning again. And when it finally wins with your death, you finally lose, as well as anyone who cares for you.

[Dee74]

I didn't want to quit either Dotty - things got worse and worse and eventually nearly killed me.

There's lots of things in my life I wish weren't as they are - but we have to accept reality sometime, I think

I was scared of being different and I was scared of leaving my old life behind...but I found a life far better than the one I left. I think you will too if you give it a chance

D

[Dee74]

side note: the author/developer of MM eventually returned to heavy drinking herself, and ended up killing two people in a drunk driving incident.

The part people leave off is that she rejected the MM philosophy and had returned to an abstinence based programme (no offence LDT - I'm sure you retold it as you heard it).

Moderation doesn't work.

I agree, not for folks like us - but I wish people would stop using this story as an cautionary tale about moderation - I'm sure we all have our own tales about that anyway.

What it *really* is is an(other) tragic illustration of the destructive power of alcoholism.

D

[RobbyRobot]

Originally Posted by lostdotty

I want to be able to drink with my husband when we got friends over, I want to have a drink when I'm at a party

Nothing wrong with wanting to have an enjoyable time with your husband and friends. Wanting to have a drink of alcohol to have those good times may well be something you'll not generally be able to eventually enjoy given your past experiences. Slipping into the abyss of alcoholism is usually a process of failures...

Alcohol is not the important thing here, unless you've just made up your mind to have a drink in hand and become alcoholically buzzed. Alcoholics generally feel they have lost choice in there drinking experiences. For myself, I drank chronically in my past. I've not drank now for decades.

I've been to parties without my drinking, and I have even better times than when I drank, of course. I quit drinking not to stop the fun, or my social life with friends. I quit drinking because I didn't haver any kind of a life while drinking.

I hope you can earlier on understand that when we are having real fun, none of us care, at a party or otherwise, who is drinking or who is not. Those who insist on drinking are what I used to be at social events and get togethers: a drunk

That's me though, and your experiences can of course be different. I would say though that something has you wondering what to do with your drinking and your enjoyment of drinking with friends. You've begun a worthy journey, and you'll be the winner as you discover what works for your happiness and what doesn't. Just be honest with yourself, and do the next right thing...

[Mark75]

Originally Posted by RobbyRobot

I hope you can earlier on understand that when we are having real fun, none of us care, at a party or otherwise, who is drinking or who is not.

That's been my experience as well....

It doesn't happen right away. At the point that happened for me is when I started thinking I was recovered, no, not cured, but recovered... fun no longer had to be alcohol powered or impaired or hobbled...

You will feel that way too!

[Wellsc61]

You want to stay clean and sober but your addiction does not want you too..I surely could rationalize my druggin, if you had my life, I am a good drug addict and so on... But I know for a fact that I am an addict and that I can not smoke one joint or put one pill into my mouth or I will go down the same path that I was on for 4 or more years. You have given up your right to have one drink with your husband and friends, you can not drink like them, you already proved that. If you are obsessing about drinking then you have a problem. It's time to get honest and do what you know in your heart that needs to be done... Believe me it sucks but you are worth it, your family is worth it...like Nike said...Just do it....

[Boleo]

Originally Posted by Change4good

Make two lists. On the first, write down all the things that are bad about drinking. You have listed a few already. Note all the things it robs you of.

On the second list, write down all the things that sobriety does/will offer. Mine this site for what others have said.

Also make a 3rd list of the YETS and leave a space or check-box for your future
check-sheet;

I have not been fired YET
I have not gotten a DUI YET
I have not gone to jail YET
I have not been hospitalized YET
I have not lost my family YET
I have not been homeless YET
I have not been institutionalized YET
I have not died from this disease YET

[Michael66]

Hi Dotty

I can only speak from my personal experience, and that is I've been where you are for years. I just didn't really want to stop drinking. It's early days for me (3 weeks) but I've reached a point where the desire to really stop for good is greater than the desire to drink. I previously managed a year without alcohol and thought I could go back to just moderated drinking. While that may work for some, it didn't for me, so I've reached the point where I have accepted that I've got to put alcohol behind me. If you're already back at the point that you're feeling a bit groggy in the morning then it's sounding like you're heading back to where you were pretty rapidly.

But I guess many of us are here because we liked/like drinking. I know where you're coming from, but I do think not drinking is better.

[sohappytoday]

Well, if you do not want a life without alcohol you could do what I did. I tried to keep dangers to others at a minimum, like drinking and driving. Try not to put others in danger. Hard to do with kids, because if I was passed out and they needed me they could have got hurt or died, but that was the risk I accepted when I drank enough to pass out.

Then I just spent years putting more alcohol in my body. If you do this long enough you might get lucky like I did and get warning signs telling you your body is giving up before it actually does. Pains in the chest and lower gut. Tremors and sweats. Increasing memory lapses. Skyrocketing cholesterol levels, probable liver failure, fun stuff like that.

Then you can become convinced you are going to die if you continue, as I did, quit, and hope your body and relationships can heal somewhat. Or you can just keep drinking and go ahead and die before your kids.

I was always chasing that imaginary good time that just no longer existed anywhere but in my mind. It took getting to the drink vodka as fast as I could to pass out phase to finally realize I was not having that fun anymore. Ever.

Or you could just quit now and avoid risking stuff like that. It is hard though. I know that I knew that I would not end up where I was until I got there. I do pray you have more sense than I.

[desperate30]

Originally Posted by Boleo

Also make a 3rd list of the YETS and leave a space or check-box for your future
check-sheet;

I have not been fired YET
I have not gotten a DUI YET
I have not gone to jail YET
I have not been hospitalized YET
I have not lost my family YET
I have not been homeless YET
I have not been institutionalized YET
I have not died from this disease YET

Makes perfect sense

[ClayTheScribe]

Print this out in big letters and put it somewhere you will see at least once a day:

"I am an alcoholic. Drinking never gets better for alcoholics. Drinking only gets worse."

below it also print out:

"I want a better life. I can have a better life as a sober person. I am more than my addiction."

Read both out loud at least once a day.

[BuddyW62]

Originally Posted by ClayTheScribe

The darkness enters our life in the form of depression, anger, anxiety, guilt, sadness, despair or even just boredom. It pushes us and pushes us until we reach what we think is our limit. Then it gives us a wonderful way out of that suffering, alcohol. If we drink enough of it we get drunk, or high. Euphoria, laughter, no parade of negative thoughts, no inner critic to hold us back from doing what we love. Then we wake up the next day and there's the darkness again to beat the living he.ll out of us, to tell us how worthless we are and how we should just destroy ourselves and others. It pushes us again and again until we reach what we think is our limit again and it offers us the same solution. It's relying on our amnesia of how bad things really were the next day, how it negatively affected the rest of our lives, and we do it all over again. Then we get to a point where we say enough is enough and we're not drinking anymore, maybe even put a plan in place. The darkness and the addictive voice see this (they are the most manipulative parts of our brain) and suggest that we try to moderate our drinking. And maybe it works for awhile (it didn't for me, I turn into a jerk after just a few drinks and stopping) like it did for you. But see the darkness/addictive voice know you can't moderate, that's why they're so prevalent in your brain, that's why they're so good at what they do. They're relying again on your amnesia to slip back into old habits.

The only thing the darkness wants is complete self-annihilation, and others if necessary. It wants nothing else, nothing good for you, besides that. The dark is destruction and the light is creation. These two forces are necessary to order our reality and this world. However those with mental illness and who are addicts have brains that are unbalanced between the light and the dark and we live too often in the dark. Sobriety is standing in the doorway to the light. Recovery is walking further into the light and not going backwards, but never forgetting the darkness is still there. Sobriety is possible at any moment you choose to stop and STOP COMPLETELY. I am almost three years sober and I can tell you alcohol gets much less appealing over time. But recovery is only possible when you can begin a program and/or begin to identify the manifestations of the darkness, especially the addictive voice, in your mind, acknowledge it and let it go. Or even tell it to F*** off as I often do.

But most importantly, stop thinking about never drinking again, that is how it gets you. On my worst days, I simply tell myself, mostly my addictive voice, I am not drinking today, but tomorrow I will go on a bender. Or recently my AV has been obsessing over the fact and I say that when I'm 60, we'll get good and drunk, but for now I want to sober. Then the next day happens and I say the same thing. The minute you believe in the addictive voice's deceptions, for example that one drink won't hurt, it's winning again. And when it finally wins with your death, you finally lose, as well as anyone who cares for you.

Thanks for this post Clay. I needed to read this this morning. 9 days sober for me today. I'll be reading this again. It makes so much sense and very well put!